WEREGOATS
okay so this is a) crack and b) ALL morcalivan 'S FAULT, BECAUSE SHE WROTE ME CRAZY CRAZY CRAZY STUFF. AND I BRIBED HER TO DO IT, AND HERE IS THE RESULT:
800 words of WEREGOATS. like werewolves, BUT WITH GOATS.
IT DOES NOT DESERVE A PROPER HEADING OR TITLE, BUT IT IS PG-13-ISH AND ARTHUR/MERLIN. ALSO, IT IS TWILIGHT-Y, WITHOUT THE SPARKLES AND IF BELLA WERE 200000X MORE AWESOME. ALSO WITH WEREGOATS.
sorry about the spamming, guys. also, don't judge me!
and thanks to roflolmaomg for saving it from a terrible, typo-y death, and also making me write it.
Merlin sat at his window, staring into the city he could never fully belong too. He wanted nothing more than to help Arthur, his one true love, become the best king he could possibly be, but how could anyone love him once they found out what he really was?
He was worse than a monster.
He was - he hated to think the word - a weregoat.
*
That night, Merlin decided to run away from Camelot. It wasn't fair to Arthur to stay, when Merlin was such a danger to everyone around him. Besides, Arthur deserved to know the truth about the man he thought he loved.
But in the morning, confessing his sins was so much harder than he expected. Merlin had always known he loved Arthur, but it wasn't until he was faced with the prospect of never seeing him again that he really realized how much. Arthur was his light, his star, his every-
"Merlin?" Arthur called. "Where's my morning blowjob?"
Merlin started crying, thinking about all of the hot sex he would miss, how Arthur would never demand blowjobs from him anymore, how he'd never cuddle with Arthur, as long as he never called it cuddling, again.
Arthur's gorgeous blue eyes ached for his lover. Or possibly he just really wanted a blowjob. It was hard to tell.
Either way, Arthur immediately patted the bed next to him, and helped Merlin on to it. "What's wrong?" he asked, while subtly rubbing his morning wood against Merlin's thighs.
"Arthur, I have something shameful to tell you. I've never been able to tell anyone this before, but it's not fair to keep it a secret from you."
"Wow," Arthur said. "That sounds serious. I really want to be able to fully concentrate, so would you mind possibly dealing with," and there Arthur gestured to the state of his lap, "before you tell me?"
Merlin did not mind, as a matter of fact.
*
"Whoa," Arthur breathed, a few hours later (they had gotten distracted). "That was awesome."
Merlin wasn't really at his most coherent, but he managed a vaguely affirmative noise in reply.
"So, what was that thing you were going to tell me?" asked Arthur.
Sitting up, Merlin was immediately shocked out of most of his post-sex daze. Unfortunately, enough remained that Merlin thought it would be a good idea to blurt out, "I'm a weregoat."
"You're a - what? A werewolf? What?"
"No, Arthur, not a werewolf. Werewolves aren't real, everyone knows that. A weregoat."
"A weregoat? What in God's name is that? And why does it matter?"
"A weregoat is someone who, every full moon, turns into a goat. Duh. And it matters because I'm terribly dangerous, and I must leave you."
"You turn into a goat every full moon? How have I not noticed that?"
"Well, you are a bit dim, to be fair."
Arthur felt it would be most gracious to not hear that clearly blasphemous remark. "You must be an expert at keeping that a secret. Well done."
"Not really, Arthur. I mean, everyone else basically guessed something was up. Morgana thought you were abusing me, actually."
Arthur made a mental note to give Morgana an even more scathing insult than planned when he next met her. But in the meantime, he had more important things to worry about. "You're leaving me? Why would you ever do that? We have the hottest sex ever."
"But Arthur, I can't stay! I'm a monster.
Arthur laughed.
And laughed.
And laughed a bit more.
And then some more.
And then just a little more, for good measure.
Merlin really did not see what part of his sentence prompted that sort of outburst. He was a weregoat, it was no laughing matter. He could kill others - he was a constant threat to Arthur's safety.
Arthur was still laughing.
When Arthur had finally finished, he wheezed, "Merlin, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met. A weregoat? Seriously? You can't even change into something cool?"
Merlin made a noise of protest, but Arthur cut him off. "And also, Merlin, you're not going anywhere. The only danger you present is killing yourself from your own stupidity, and that's why I'm here. Seriously. How would a goat ever be a threat to anyone? How is that even remotely possible?"
Merlin had really never thought about it like that, but that definitely made a lot of sense. Now that he thought about it, he'd never actually hurt anyone as a goat, and he'd mostly gotten coo'ed over by the village girls.
"Wow, Arthur," Merlin said happily, "you have lifted my burden of self-hatred, and made me truly understand and love myself. How can I ever repay you?"
"Well, you could start by giving me a blowjob," Arthur suggested.
Merlin was totally good with that plan.
800 words of WEREGOATS. like werewolves, BUT WITH GOATS.
IT DOES NOT DESERVE A PROPER HEADING OR TITLE, BUT IT IS PG-13-ISH AND ARTHUR/MERLIN. ALSO, IT IS TWILIGHT-Y, WITHOUT THE SPARKLES AND IF BELLA WERE 200000X MORE AWESOME. ALSO WITH WEREGOATS.
sorry about the spamming, guys. also, don't judge me!
and thanks to roflolmaomg for saving it from a terrible, typo-y death, and also making me write it.
Merlin sat at his window, staring into the city he could never fully belong too. He wanted nothing more than to help Arthur, his one true love, become the best king he could possibly be, but how could anyone love him once they found out what he really was?
He was worse than a monster.
He was - he hated to think the word - a weregoat.
*
That night, Merlin decided to run away from Camelot. It wasn't fair to Arthur to stay, when Merlin was such a danger to everyone around him. Besides, Arthur deserved to know the truth about the man he thought he loved.
But in the morning, confessing his sins was so much harder than he expected. Merlin had always known he loved Arthur, but it wasn't until he was faced with the prospect of never seeing him again that he really realized how much. Arthur was his light, his star, his every-
"Merlin?" Arthur called. "Where's my morning blowjob?"
Merlin started crying, thinking about all of the hot sex he would miss, how Arthur would never demand blowjobs from him anymore, how he'd never cuddle with Arthur, as long as he never called it cuddling, again.
Arthur's gorgeous blue eyes ached for his lover. Or possibly he just really wanted a blowjob. It was hard to tell.
Either way, Arthur immediately patted the bed next to him, and helped Merlin on to it. "What's wrong?" he asked, while subtly rubbing his morning wood against Merlin's thighs.
"Arthur, I have something shameful to tell you. I've never been able to tell anyone this before, but it's not fair to keep it a secret from you."
"Wow," Arthur said. "That sounds serious. I really want to be able to fully concentrate, so would you mind possibly dealing with," and there Arthur gestured to the state of his lap, "before you tell me?"
Merlin did not mind, as a matter of fact.
*
"Whoa," Arthur breathed, a few hours later (they had gotten distracted). "That was awesome."
Merlin wasn't really at his most coherent, but he managed a vaguely affirmative noise in reply.
"So, what was that thing you were going to tell me?" asked Arthur.
Sitting up, Merlin was immediately shocked out of most of his post-sex daze. Unfortunately, enough remained that Merlin thought it would be a good idea to blurt out, "I'm a weregoat."
"You're a - what? A werewolf? What?"
"No, Arthur, not a werewolf. Werewolves aren't real, everyone knows that. A weregoat."
"A weregoat? What in God's name is that? And why does it matter?"
"A weregoat is someone who, every full moon, turns into a goat. Duh. And it matters because I'm terribly dangerous, and I must leave you."
"You turn into a goat every full moon? How have I not noticed that?"
"Well, you are a bit dim, to be fair."
Arthur felt it would be most gracious to not hear that clearly blasphemous remark. "You must be an expert at keeping that a secret. Well done."
"Not really, Arthur. I mean, everyone else basically guessed something was up. Morgana thought you were abusing me, actually."
Arthur made a mental note to give Morgana an even more scathing insult than planned when he next met her. But in the meantime, he had more important things to worry about. "You're leaving me? Why would you ever do that? We have the hottest sex ever."
"But Arthur, I can't stay! I'm a monster.
Arthur laughed.
And laughed.
And laughed a bit more.
And then some more.
And then just a little more, for good measure.
Merlin really did not see what part of his sentence prompted that sort of outburst. He was a weregoat, it was no laughing matter. He could kill others - he was a constant threat to Arthur's safety.
Arthur was still laughing.
When Arthur had finally finished, he wheezed, "Merlin, you are the most idiotic person I have ever met. A weregoat? Seriously? You can't even change into something cool?"
Merlin made a noise of protest, but Arthur cut him off. "And also, Merlin, you're not going anywhere. The only danger you present is killing yourself from your own stupidity, and that's why I'm here. Seriously. How would a goat ever be a threat to anyone? How is that even remotely possible?"
Merlin had really never thought about it like that, but that definitely made a lot of sense. Now that he thought about it, he'd never actually hurt anyone as a goat, and he'd mostly gotten coo'ed over by the village girls.
"Wow, Arthur," Merlin said happily, "you have lifted my burden of self-hatred, and made me truly understand and love myself. How can I ever repay you?"
"Well, you could start by giving me a blowjob," Arthur suggested.
Merlin was totally good with that plan.