TEN QUESTIONS AND CRACKFIC FOR Y'ALL
first of all: I HAVE A SLASH DRAGON/UTHER STORY FINISHED. 915 WORDS. INVOLVING SEX TOYS. it just got a quick edit from a friend, so it will probably be up some time this night/next morning. sorry about spamming you guys so much!
also, i listened exclusively to backstreet boys while writing it. I AM NOT SURE WHICH OF THESE THINGS ARE MORE SHAMEFUL.
ETA: APPARENTLY BY TONIGHT/THIS MORNING, I MEAN RIGHT NOW! WHO KNEW. THIS IS ALL
manx_and_shadow 'S FAULT, BECAUSE SHE NEEDED CHEERING P AND MENTIONED DRAGON-SHAPED SEX TOYS IN HER PROPMT, AND, UM, THIS IS APPARENTLY WHERE THAT LEADS ME! I APOLOGIZE. ALSO IT IS PROBABLY R-ISH, BUT MOSTLY SUGGESTIVE. DON'T JUDGE ME.
ETA AGAIN: OMG YOU GUYS I AM SO SORRY FOR KILLING YOUR FLIST. I POSTED IT AND THEN FELL ASLEEP, WITHOUT CHECKING THE CUT. SORRY!
but now i have a meme for you guys!
comment with several lines from a country song (BECAUSE IT IS MY SECRET AMBITION TO MAKE ALL OF YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC, DAMMIT) and i will reply with five questions i want to know about you. continue the cycle!
i have TWO SETS of questions, because i am that cool.
from exoticrooftile :
1. Marmite. Love it or hate it? (also, give me a marmite related anecdote. If you don’t have one then WHY THE HELL NOT make an interesting one up. dude, i am fully american, AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT MARMITE IS, BESIDES BEING VERY WEIRD AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT IT ON BREAD OR SOMETHING. but umm, interesting anecdote - ONE TIME, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH ANGEL, AND WE TOOK TURNS LICKING IT OFF EACH OTHER. (because she is adorable, and deserves love too!)
2. What’s your favourite item of clothing? i have a pair of jeans that i've had for years, that have paint and ink and are ripped at the bottom, and they are both the jeans that make me look best and the ones with the best memories in them. i am maybe a bit unhealthily attached to them.
3. If you could change one physical attribute about yourself, what would you? hmm. i'd probably give myself some semblance of a butt. because i'm pretty curvy, ad my boobs are big, but my butt just DOES NOT EXIST. and it drives me a bit crazy.
4. Who would be in your fantasy boyband? Ignore style clashes/genre mashups etc. OKAY THIS WOULD BE AMAZING. um, nick and joe from the jonas brother, and bradley because there's a picture of him with a guitar case, and colin because he can play the BODHRAN (of sex), and neil patrick harris because there's a recording of him and his boyfriend singing "take me or leave me" from rent and it is AWESOME. and everyone from backstreet boys, just because, and jesse mccartney, because his boyband as a kid (dreamstreet) is WONDERFUL. and a lot of other people!
5. Merlin is cancelled. What is your ingenious plan/campaign to get it brought back? i would send an appeal around lj to offer sex to anyone who could help get it back on air. WHORING YOURSELF FOR MERLIN, WAS THERE EVER A NOBLER CUASE? except really, i'd just collect all the boob pictures from the gayms, and pretend to whore you guys out until we had a contract for another ETERNETY of seasons.
i may also resort to leverage, honestly.
and fromroflolmaomg :
1. Marry, cliff, shag (and list your reasoning): OOTHER, GAIUS, AND THE TOOTH FAIRY GO. WELL ABOVE STORY ABOUT OOTHER AND SEX TOYS HAS MADE ME KINDA CURIUS, SO I'LL SHAG HIM. ALSO, HE SEEMS REALLY MASTERFUL. GAIUS TOTALLY KNOWS ALL OF THE BEST PERVING PLACES, SO IF I WAS MARRIED TO HIM, I WOLD NEVER RUN OUT OF PORN. WHICH WOULD BE COOL. SO MARRY HIM. THE TOOTH FAIRY DIES, BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS CREEPED ME OUT. WHO THE HELL COLLECTS TEETH? WHAT KIND OF FETISH IS THAT? AND FROM LITTLE KIDS?
2. What was the last thing you bought with your own money? well if by "own" you mean "stolen from parents" than it was probably a milkshake yesterday, or a ninth of the shirt i pitched in to help buy for my friend. if not, it was an ipod shuffle, a while ago, named pink biscuit.
3. If you had to listen to only one band for the rest of your life, what would it be? that's IMPOSSIBLE. not fair! but if it had to be one for the REST OF MY LIFE, it would probably be the beatles. not because they're my favorite - i like them, but not insanely - but because they have so many songs with so many different fees that i could always find one to fit my mood, and i would probably get bored of them less easily.
4. Name four orange things that would be weird to have on a shopping list. donald trump, used orange underwear, sexy orange poison, and disgarded orange peels.
5. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a lot of things: a marine biologist, a singer, an artist, a writer (still do), proffessionally awesome (ditto), someone who's job it is to cheer people up (i still think that would be AWESOME), and a bunch of other stuff. sometimes a president!
CAME-A-LOT: A LOVE STORY OF DESTINY AND SEX TOYS
When Merlin first learned what Uther had really locked the dragon up for, he was torn between laughing and throwing up.
In fact, he did both.
*
The next time Merlin visited the Dragon, Merlin had to apologize several times before he would even so much as look at Merlin. It was at least another five minutes before the Dragon would settle down on his usual rock, and even longer before he would speak.
When he finally did, it was haughtily, and offended. "I see nothing funny about my so-called 'crime.' Is it my fault Uther doesn't know how to use a magical butt plug properly?"
"No," Merlin choked out, with difficulty,
The Dragon continued on, clearly pleased with Merlin's agreement, continued on. "Of course not. It was a point of pride in Come-A-Lot Industries that all of our products come with thorough instructions and a complete set of warnings. I know that it is hard to read them while chained up, but honestly, this sort of thing had happened before. You would think that after the debacle with the enchanted leather dildo and the chocolate sauce, Uther would have a bit more sense, but no. And then I get blamed! Like it's my fault his fate is to be an idiot!"
Merlin could not suppress his gag, but he attempted to cover it up with a cough. The dragon looked at him with suspicion, but let it go when Merlin managed, "Yes! Duh! Uther with a dildo, what a lovely and not at all traumatizing image!"
"He was a rather fine specimen," the Dragon said wistfully. "The things he could do with gags and a pair of leather gloves, it was destiny . . ."
Merlin felt his soul crying out in torment. A lot of torment. Especially once Merlin caught a glimpse of the Dragon's eyes, which contained, however much he hated himself for thinking it, lust.
Struck with the sudden, inexplicable desire to drown himself in ale until he couldn't feel his head, Merlin backed away slowly. The Dragon seemed to be too caught up in reminiscing (or fantasizing, Merlin's brain said, and that was why he hated it) to notice, which was a small blessing. He really did not think he could speak another words to the Dragon without actually throwing himself off the cliff.
With his luck, Merlin probably land on the Dragon's -
He needed alcohol.
*
Merlin found all of the alcohol he needed, and more.
In the morning, he promptly regretted that, as he had a headache approximately the size of Arthur's ego. Which was, needless to say, not fun.
It was especially not fun when he had a fucking dragon adding to the pain by screaming constantly that he wanted to see Merlin.
There were so many terrible things about that idea Merlin found it hard to comprehend all of them at once. Not only was he not done repressing their conversation from yesterday, the nausea he was already experiencing from last night was not at all helped by the prospect of seeing the Dragon again. Ever.
Considering how pissed the Dragon had been when Merlin had puked a little in the corner of the cave, he didn't think that it would be a good idea to projectile-vomit all over the Dragon himself.
But when the Dragon resorted to singing, Merlin figured that vomit was the lesser of two evils. The greater being, of course, cutting his own head off to quench the feeling that a flock of questing beasts were starting a nice little family in his head. With several hundred earthquakes to keep them company, of course.
But when he finally reached the cave, the Dragon just looked hopeful. "I have been trying to avoid my own path for too long, Merlin. Although I have known that my true road lies with another, I have refused to let the winds of fate guide me. Now, I am asking you to right the wrongs of destiny, and make the path true again."
Wow, he was back to saying total mystical bullshit. Merlin realized he really must have been feeling better.
Merlin really liked the direction this conversation was going, because he didn't think it would leas to Uther or sex toys.
How wrong he was.
But at the moment, Merlin was eager to help the Dragon. "Of course," he offered. "How can I help you?"
The Dragon blushed - though Merlin wasn't sure how that was even possible - and flicked a piece of parchment over to where Merlin was sitting. "Give this to Uther, please."
Merlin immediately nodded, and thought it would be hilarious to read it.
He made it through the first paragraph before the defense mechanisms started to kick in, and his brain shut down.
Once he recovered, though, Merlin did give it to Uther, however much actual physical pain he felt touching the letter again.
*
Arthur was speeding through the castle, and grabbed Merlin.
"Merlin, do you know where my father is? It's urgent, the whole kingdom needs him."
Merlin sighed. He wasn't sure how to explain that Arthur's father was currently fucking a dragon, but since the other option was to let Arthur go down and see it himself, he guessed he had to. He wanted Arthur to be able to have sex again, one day, though he understood if it took him a couple years.
One thing was for certain, though: he was not mentioning the buttplugs.
also, i listened exclusively to backstreet boys while writing it. I AM NOT SURE WHICH OF THESE THINGS ARE MORE SHAMEFUL.
ETA: APPARENTLY BY TONIGHT/THIS MORNING, I MEAN RIGHT NOW! WHO KNEW. THIS IS ALL
manx_and_shadow 'S FAULT, BECAUSE SHE NEEDED CHEERING P AND MENTIONED DRAGON-SHAPED SEX TOYS IN HER PROPMT, AND, UM, THIS IS APPARENTLY WHERE THAT LEADS ME! I APOLOGIZE. ALSO IT IS PROBABLY R-ISH, BUT MOSTLY SUGGESTIVE. DON'T JUDGE ME.
ETA AGAIN: OMG YOU GUYS I AM SO SORRY FOR KILLING YOUR FLIST. I POSTED IT AND THEN FELL ASLEEP, WITHOUT CHECKING THE CUT. SORRY!
but now i have a meme for you guys!
comment with several lines from a country song (BECAUSE IT IS MY SECRET AMBITION TO MAKE ALL OF YOU LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC, DAMMIT) and i will reply with five questions i want to know about you. continue the cycle!
i have TWO SETS of questions, because i am that cool.
from exoticrooftile :
1. Marmite. Love it or hate it? (also, give me a marmite related anecdote. If you don’t have one then WHY THE HELL NOT make an interesting one up. dude, i am fully american, AND DO NOT KNOW WHAT MARMITE IS, BESIDES BEING VERY WEIRD AND YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT IT ON BREAD OR SOMETHING. but umm, interesting anecdote - ONE TIME, I WAS HANGING OUT WITH ANGEL, AND WE TOOK TURNS LICKING IT OFF EACH OTHER. (because she is adorable, and deserves love too!)
2. What’s your favourite item of clothing? i have a pair of jeans that i've had for years, that have paint and ink and are ripped at the bottom, and they are both the jeans that make me look best and the ones with the best memories in them. i am maybe a bit unhealthily attached to them.
3. If you could change one physical attribute about yourself, what would you? hmm. i'd probably give myself some semblance of a butt. because i'm pretty curvy, ad my boobs are big, but my butt just DOES NOT EXIST. and it drives me a bit crazy.
4. Who would be in your fantasy boyband? Ignore style clashes/genre mashups etc. OKAY THIS WOULD BE AMAZING. um, nick and joe from the jonas brother, and bradley because there's a picture of him with a guitar case, and colin because he can play the BODHRAN (of sex), and neil patrick harris because there's a recording of him and his boyfriend singing "take me or leave me" from rent and it is AWESOME. and everyone from backstreet boys, just because, and jesse mccartney, because his boyband as a kid (dreamstreet) is WONDERFUL. and a lot of other people!
5. Merlin is cancelled. What is your ingenious plan/campaign to get it brought back? i would send an appeal around lj to offer sex to anyone who could help get it back on air. WHORING YOURSELF FOR MERLIN, WAS THERE EVER A NOBLER CUASE? except really, i'd just collect all the boob pictures from the gayms, and pretend to whore you guys out until we had a contract for another ETERNETY of seasons.
i may also resort to leverage, honestly.
and fromroflolmaomg :
1. Marry, cliff, shag (and list your reasoning): OOTHER, GAIUS, AND THE TOOTH FAIRY GO. WELL ABOVE STORY ABOUT OOTHER AND SEX TOYS HAS MADE ME KINDA CURIUS, SO I'LL SHAG HIM. ALSO, HE SEEMS REALLY MASTERFUL. GAIUS TOTALLY KNOWS ALL OF THE BEST PERVING PLACES, SO IF I WAS MARRIED TO HIM, I WOLD NEVER RUN OUT OF PORN. WHICH WOULD BE COOL. SO MARRY HIM. THE TOOTH FAIRY DIES, BECAUSE SHE ALWAYS CREEPED ME OUT. WHO THE HELL COLLECTS TEETH? WHAT KIND OF FETISH IS THAT? AND FROM LITTLE KIDS?
2. What was the last thing you bought with your own money? well if by "own" you mean "stolen from parents" than it was probably a milkshake yesterday, or a ninth of the shirt i pitched in to help buy for my friend. if not, it was an ipod shuffle, a while ago, named pink biscuit.
3. If you had to listen to only one band for the rest of your life, what would it be? that's IMPOSSIBLE. not fair! but if it had to be one for the REST OF MY LIFE, it would probably be the beatles. not because they're my favorite - i like them, but not insanely - but because they have so many songs with so many different fees that i could always find one to fit my mood, and i would probably get bored of them less easily.
4. Name four orange things that would be weird to have on a shopping list. donald trump, used orange underwear, sexy orange poison, and disgarded orange peels.
5. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up? a lot of things: a marine biologist, a singer, an artist, a writer (still do), proffessionally awesome (ditto), someone who's job it is to cheer people up (i still think that would be AWESOME), and a bunch of other stuff. sometimes a president!
CAME-A-LOT: A LOVE STORY OF DESTINY AND SEX TOYS
When Merlin first learned what Uther had really locked the dragon up for, he was torn between laughing and throwing up.
In fact, he did both.
*
The next time Merlin visited the Dragon, Merlin had to apologize several times before he would even so much as look at Merlin. It was at least another five minutes before the Dragon would settle down on his usual rock, and even longer before he would speak.
When he finally did, it was haughtily, and offended. "I see nothing funny about my so-called 'crime.' Is it my fault Uther doesn't know how to use a magical butt plug properly?"
"No," Merlin choked out, with difficulty,
The Dragon continued on, clearly pleased with Merlin's agreement, continued on. "Of course not. It was a point of pride in Come-A-Lot Industries that all of our products come with thorough instructions and a complete set of warnings. I know that it is hard to read them while chained up, but honestly, this sort of thing had happened before. You would think that after the debacle with the enchanted leather dildo and the chocolate sauce, Uther would have a bit more sense, but no. And then I get blamed! Like it's my fault his fate is to be an idiot!"
Merlin could not suppress his gag, but he attempted to cover it up with a cough. The dragon looked at him with suspicion, but let it go when Merlin managed, "Yes! Duh! Uther with a dildo, what a lovely and not at all traumatizing image!"
"He was a rather fine specimen," the Dragon said wistfully. "The things he could do with gags and a pair of leather gloves, it was destiny . . ."
Merlin felt his soul crying out in torment. A lot of torment. Especially once Merlin caught a glimpse of the Dragon's eyes, which contained, however much he hated himself for thinking it, lust.
Struck with the sudden, inexplicable desire to drown himself in ale until he couldn't feel his head, Merlin backed away slowly. The Dragon seemed to be too caught up in reminiscing (or fantasizing, Merlin's brain said, and that was why he hated it) to notice, which was a small blessing. He really did not think he could speak another words to the Dragon without actually throwing himself off the cliff.
With his luck, Merlin probably land on the Dragon's -
He needed alcohol.
*
Merlin found all of the alcohol he needed, and more.
In the morning, he promptly regretted that, as he had a headache approximately the size of Arthur's ego. Which was, needless to say, not fun.
It was especially not fun when he had a fucking dragon adding to the pain by screaming constantly that he wanted to see Merlin.
There were so many terrible things about that idea Merlin found it hard to comprehend all of them at once. Not only was he not done repressing their conversation from yesterday, the nausea he was already experiencing from last night was not at all helped by the prospect of seeing the Dragon again. Ever.
Considering how pissed the Dragon had been when Merlin had puked a little in the corner of the cave, he didn't think that it would be a good idea to projectile-vomit all over the Dragon himself.
But when the Dragon resorted to singing, Merlin figured that vomit was the lesser of two evils. The greater being, of course, cutting his own head off to quench the feeling that a flock of questing beasts were starting a nice little family in his head. With several hundred earthquakes to keep them company, of course.
But when he finally reached the cave, the Dragon just looked hopeful. "I have been trying to avoid my own path for too long, Merlin. Although I have known that my true road lies with another, I have refused to let the winds of fate guide me. Now, I am asking you to right the wrongs of destiny, and make the path true again."
Wow, he was back to saying total mystical bullshit. Merlin realized he really must have been feeling better.
Merlin really liked the direction this conversation was going, because he didn't think it would leas to Uther or sex toys.
How wrong he was.
But at the moment, Merlin was eager to help the Dragon. "Of course," he offered. "How can I help you?"
The Dragon blushed - though Merlin wasn't sure how that was even possible - and flicked a piece of parchment over to where Merlin was sitting. "Give this to Uther, please."
Merlin immediately nodded, and thought it would be hilarious to read it.
He made it through the first paragraph before the defense mechanisms started to kick in, and his brain shut down.
Once he recovered, though, Merlin did give it to Uther, however much actual physical pain he felt touching the letter again.
*
Arthur was speeding through the castle, and grabbed Merlin.
"Merlin, do you know where my father is? It's urgent, the whole kingdom needs him."
Merlin sighed. He wasn't sure how to explain that Arthur's father was currently fucking a dragon, but since the other option was to let Arthur go down and see it himself, he guessed he had to. He wanted Arthur to be able to have sex again, one day, though he understood if it took him a couple years.
One thing was for certain, though: he was not mentioning the buttplugs.