TWO BIRTHDAY FICS
so, if it's your birthday, you may get a fic from me! or i may just be swamped and totally forget. (SORRY EGO, I AM SO SORRY.)
but lucky lucky lefcadio and
zed_pm , who had birthdays recently, did get some! exciting, i know. but i want to just get them out there, so i have proof of their existance, and also will remember them.
lefcadio 's is about bradley learning japanese, because she is learning japanese! also because it would be hilarious.
bilingual for the language of love (bradley/colin, pg? pg-13?, 720 words)
Colin isn't even sure what Bradley is doing anymore. Supposedly, he's learning Japanese, but it (a) doesn't sound like any Japanese Colin has ever heard, and (b) Bradley is insane and cannot speak French. So, he could tried to get a "learn Japanese" book, but gotten confused in the shop and accidentally asked for a Swahili one.
It shows how wrong he has gone in his life that he doesn't even care that Bradley James is sprawled over his bed, drinking milk straight from the carton and possibly speaking Swahili. It's kind of tame for him, honestly.
And when Bradley looks over, really intently, and says something that definitely sounds like gibberish to Colin, it doesn't even register on his "weird" radar.
He is, though, kind of wondering why Bradley thought that would mean something to him. "What did you say?" he askes, before he really thinks through whether he wants to know. Most likely, he doesn't, but it's too late now.
"I said," and Bradley scans the page, "カモにしている. You are sexy."
While Colin registering that, and wondering what type of language book has that so easily accessible, Anthony walks in to find his DS and corrects, absentmindedly, "That's 'you are a goose.' 'あなたのセクシーされる' is you are sexy. Why are you butchering Japanese?"
"Because I'm awesome," Bradley replies easily. "Duh."
Anthony just looks at him for a while.
"It's the language of love, okay?"
In Anthony's look this time, there's actual concern. "Bradley, it's not. Italian is. Please tell me you knew that."
"I knew something was off," Bradley says, sounding almost proud. "Damn, Now I have to find more language books, and the shopkeeper already thinks I'm going to shoplift."
Colin's brain catches up with the conversation, having been previously occupied with staring at Bradley's arse. "Hey, why are you telling me I'm sexy in the non'-language of love?"
"Japanese is super sexy!" Bradley protests, and then actually thinks about what Colin said. It's an odd sight. "I'm not sure," he finally replies. "Why would I do that?"
Anthony looks like he's in pain. Colin's not sure why, but it's probably Bradley's fault.
"Oh my god," Anthony finally stutters. "Am I really going to make myself responsible when the two of you destroy Katie's panty drawer in celebration of our newfound gay love?"
Colin asks, "Gay love?" as Bradley protests, "He, we've already done that. We'd totally think of something new."
The expression on Anthony's face does not look happier. It looks like more pain, actually. "Am I really going to have to explain this to you guys like seven-year-olds? That was not in my contract. God, I hate shows with young people."
When no-one contradicts him, Anthony soldiers on. "You," he says, pointing at Bradley, "just told Colin he was sexy in what you believed was the language of love. And you," he continues, indicating Colin, "were too busy staring at his butt to notice for a while. Does that not indicate something?"
"Colin is using subliminal messages to make me move over, so he can sit on the bed?" Bradley tries, and is disappointed when Anthony looks like he's about to cry.
A few more moments pass. And then -
"I get it!" Colin cries.
Bradley does not, yet. "You do?" he asks.
"Yeah. He thinks you fancy me."
"Well, duh."
"Wait, you do?"
Anthony makes funny noises at this. Colin is concerned, but only for a second.
"Of course. What do you think my courting was, mate?"
Colin considers this. "Huh." He did think the dozen hand-picked roses next to a limerick about his cheekbones was going a bit far, but he figured that Bradley was just leading up to a prank, or something. It wouldn't actually be surprising.
"So," Bradley asks, "d'you mind? Because if you did, I could totally go back to stalking Katie. That was kinda fun, though a lot of pain."
"Nah, it's cool. Besides, I think you're kinda weirdly adorable."
Bradley nods, okay with that. But a few moments later, he exclaims, "Does this mean we're going out?"
"I think you have to put out first."
"私はあなた紫色. I love you."
When the moaning starts, Anthony gets up, and rolls his eyes. He hates being the oldest. And besides, Bradley still couldn't speak Japanese. "I purple you" doesn't even make sense.
zed_pm 's merlin/arthur. her prompt to me was "HOW ABOUT DRUNK!ARTHUR, BIRTHDAY CAKE, AAAAAAAND.....MAKEUP...MUCH TO MERLIN'S CHAGRIN." i got, um, three out of four! sort of. merlin is not too chagrined, but arthur is, so i figure it evens out.
thorough debauchery, aided by alcohol and makeup (merlin/arthur, pg-13, 1500 words. forced crossdressing!)
"Ariel - my girlfriend? Isn't that Arthur?" Merlin gasped, while Arthur protested, "Merlin's my boyfriend? But I deserve so much better! I'm prettier!">Birthdays were the worst. And Arthur's birthday sucked especially, which was not fair, because he was the prince and should therefore have an amazing one.
His seven-year-old self was terrible too, because it was past-him's fault that he was currently stuck on a chair (on his birthday) while Morgana screamed at him to stay still and put god knows what on his eyes. "You know, most people move when they a scary lady with a stick is smacking them in the face. Maybe you should be more gentle."
Morgana answered, with a delighted smirk, "Maybe you shouldn't think girls can't fight."
"I was eight!" Arthur protested. "And you were being annoying!" He paused, and muttered, "And they still can't, not really."
"What was that?" Morgana asked. "Was that you saying, 'Oh yes, Morgana, I would like have this happen to me on all major holidays also'? Because if it was, I'm sure I could arrange that."
"No," Arthur sulked.
It wasn't his fault that Morgana didn't like him from the first time she saw him. Except for how he did insult her dress, but whatever. It was totally an ugly dress.
And then she'd challenged him to a duel, and he's laughed and told her that she was a girl, and girls were weaker than boys.
In retrospect, that may have been a bad idea.
Because Morgana went white with fury, and demanded that she fight him, and that if she won, she could make him be a girl once a year, and he could learn what it was like. Arthur had scoffed, because not only was he a boy, he was the prince, so he'd totally win.
Except for how she did, and this was the result. Morgana was a terrible person, so her "once a year" obviously had to be on his birthday. And now, instead of taking advantage of all the lovely ladies who had come to Camelot to wish him a happy birthday, he was stuck in a chair while Morgana considered whether purple went with his skin tone.
He hated his birthday.
*
Now that Morgana had stuck five pounds of something on his face, stuffed his dress, and made Arthur want to die countless times, the truly terrible part began.
He had to walk all around the castle as "Ariel," a girl who Morgana had entirely too much backstory for. She'd been refining the girl for years, and each new addition would have made Arthur want to cry, if Arthur cried.
But he wasn't a girl or anything, so he just got drunk instead. Or tried to. Morgana saw his flask and snatched it away. "You have to remember this night, Arthur. That's the point."
Arthur actually suspected the point was to get back at him because of Morgana's secret, unreturned passion for him, but he (happily) knew better than to say that.
There was a knock at the door, at Arthur made a face at it. And then he saw Morgana's expression of unholy glee, and became truly frightened.
She ran over to the door and opened it excitingly, to reveal - Merlin. Arthur tried to convey "I think I may die if you don't save me" with his eyes, but Merlin just looked shocked.
"Am I - in the right room?" he asked, doubtfully.
Morgana just smiled. Because she was the devil. "Ariel, meet your boyfriend, Merlin!"
"Ariel - my girlfriend? Isn't that Arthur?" Merlin gasped, while Arthur protested, "Merlin's my boyfriend? But I deserve so much better! I'm prettier!"
"You, be quiet," Morgana commanded, and turned to Merlin. She gave him a (very embellished) story of the bet and its consequences, at which Merlin finally gave in and burst into laughter. Arthur shot very scary daggers at him with his eyes, but Merlin didn't notice. Stupid Merlin.
When he finally recovered, he asked, "But what does that have to do with me?"
"Well," Morgana explained, evilly, "I've realized that there's a big flaw. Arthur's always alone, so I have no way to stop him if he just hides a corner and sulks." To be fair, that was, actually, what Arthur was planning to do. "Obviously, that is not in the spirit of the bet. So, I've decided that I need someone to keep an eye on him, to make sure he socializes properly."
"And that couldn't be - you, or Gwen?" Merlin said, sounding slightly desperate.
Frowning, Morgana brushed that idea way. "Of course not! Gwen would probably let him sulk, and besides, Ariel needs a boyfriend. She's been very lonely."
"Actually," Arthur said, firmly, "Ariel has been totally fine on her own. Ecstatic, actually."
Morgana just glared. Arthur immediately shut up.
"Okay," Merlin sighed, sounding resigned. "I'm Ariel's boyfriend. What now?"
*
As soon as Arthur was completely sure there was no one else in the corridor (anyone could be Morgana's spy), he dragged him into a hidden corner. "We need alcohol. Do you have any?"
Merlin was still staring. "Fine. Mine will have to do, I guess." He reached into his top, and did not appreciate the way Merlin's eyes almost popped out. "Eyes up here, idiot," Arthur commanded.
Blushing, Merlin averted his eyes immediately. Arthur took advantage of that distraction to root around for the several small bottles of ale he's hidden in there, for this precise reason.
God, Arthur's life was the worst. He took a drink.
*
Several hours later, Arthur was feeling a lot better. Several giant bottles of mead had become involved at one point, though Arthur was not sure how.
He turned to ask Merlin how they got the bottles, but Merlin was a lot farther away than he should be. Arthur wasn't sure why, but it now seems really really essential that Merlin be near him. He tried walking to him, but then just faceplanted into his lap.
Arthur guessed that worked too. "Hello," he says, poking Merlin with his nose. His nose is awesome.
Merlin laughed at him. Arthur wasn't sure why, but it may have something to do with his current position. "Your wig fell off," he told Arthur.
Arthur knew that. He's not stupid. But when he tried to prove that by jamming the wig back onto his head, Merlin just laughed more. It's annoying.
So in retaliation, he flopped back onto Merlin, and started using his nose to be like a super awesome explorer. It's all good, until he notices -
"Um," Merlin said, shifting away.
"Whoa," said Arthur, poking it. "Is that your - "
"Er. Uh. Maybe?"
"It's kinda cool."
"Thanks?"
"It's, you know, hard. Weird."
"Uhhhhhhh - "
"Why?"
"Morgana."
"Whoa, that was hours ago, Merlin. Really?"
"Noit'sherfault."
"Merlin, it's perfectly nara-natra-normal. Don't blame her."
"Yourdress."
"My dress?"
"Looks nice - " Merlin managed, and gasps. Arthur's nose was still being an intrepid explorer.
"On me?"
"Yeah."
"Duh, idiot. I look good in everything."
"No you don't. I hate that blue shirt. But dress is good."
"I like blue shirt!"
"Makes you look fat."
"Makes your face look fat."
Arthur assumed Merlin was just in awe of his awesome. It was cool.
But then Merlin moaned, and Arthur realized what was going on. "You like me."
"No."
"Yes."
"Maybe."
"You love me!"
"I hate you."
"Merlin thinks I'm seeexy."
"Notatall."
"Uh huh."
"Shu' up."
"You like me in a dress!"
"You like me all the time."
Arthur thought for a while.
"Huh. I do."
"Really?"
"Well, I kept getting dreams of you naked in my bed. Thought it was an evil sorcerer, but I might just like you."
Merlin choked. Arthur was concerned, but not for too long. Because then their mouths met, and that's pretty awesome too.
Actually, they were both so drunk that it more a mashing of tongues and teeth, but it worked. Somehow.
*
The next morning, Arthur stumbled into Morgana's room to prove that he kept it on the whole night. She just looked at him and laughed. Really hard. She also coughs "whore," which Arthur can totally hear, and does not appreciate. Because he is not a whore, and he doesn't look like one.
Except then he glanced in the mirror, and, well. He kind of does.
"So, how was your night?" Morgana asked, with a facade of innocence.
"Fine," he answered, stiffly. Morgana was evil. Although she did kind of lead to the best night of his life, so he may have to reconsider his stance. One thing was for certain, though. "I'm not being a girl for an entire year."
Of course, that's when Merlin walked in, looking, if possible, even more debauched than Arthur. He smirked, and said, "Actually, that was what I was just about to ask Morgana about. Do you think she would let us borrow the dress? I feel like it will be quite useful."
Morgana looked beside herself with glee. Merlin looked like he was four parts lust and one part evil.
Arthur hated everything.
but lucky lucky lefcadio and
zed_pm , who had birthdays recently, did get some! exciting, i know. but i want to just get them out there, so i have proof of their existance, and also will remember them.
lefcadio 's is about bradley learning japanese, because she is learning japanese! also because it would be hilarious.
bilingual for the language of love (bradley/colin, pg? pg-13?, 720 words)
Colin isn't even sure what Bradley is doing anymore. Supposedly, he's learning Japanese, but it (a) doesn't sound like any Japanese Colin has ever heard, and (b) Bradley is insane and cannot speak French. So, he could tried to get a "learn Japanese" book, but gotten confused in the shop and accidentally asked for a Swahili one.
It shows how wrong he has gone in his life that he doesn't even care that Bradley James is sprawled over his bed, drinking milk straight from the carton and possibly speaking Swahili. It's kind of tame for him, honestly.
And when Bradley looks over, really intently, and says something that definitely sounds like gibberish to Colin, it doesn't even register on his "weird" radar.
He is, though, kind of wondering why Bradley thought that would mean something to him. "What did you say?" he askes, before he really thinks through whether he wants to know. Most likely, he doesn't, but it's too late now.
"I said," and Bradley scans the page, "カモにしている. You are sexy."
While Colin registering that, and wondering what type of language book has that so easily accessible, Anthony walks in to find his DS and corrects, absentmindedly, "That's 'you are a goose.' 'あなたのセクシーされる' is you are sexy. Why are you butchering Japanese?"
"Because I'm awesome," Bradley replies easily. "Duh."
Anthony just looks at him for a while.
"It's the language of love, okay?"
In Anthony's look this time, there's actual concern. "Bradley, it's not. Italian is. Please tell me you knew that."
"I knew something was off," Bradley says, sounding almost proud. "Damn, Now I have to find more language books, and the shopkeeper already thinks I'm going to shoplift."
Colin's brain catches up with the conversation, having been previously occupied with staring at Bradley's arse. "Hey, why are you telling me I'm sexy in the non'-language of love?"
"Japanese is super sexy!" Bradley protests, and then actually thinks about what Colin said. It's an odd sight. "I'm not sure," he finally replies. "Why would I do that?"
Anthony looks like he's in pain. Colin's not sure why, but it's probably Bradley's fault.
"Oh my god," Anthony finally stutters. "Am I really going to make myself responsible when the two of you destroy Katie's panty drawer in celebration of our newfound gay love?"
Colin asks, "Gay love?" as Bradley protests, "He, we've already done that. We'd totally think of something new."
The expression on Anthony's face does not look happier. It looks like more pain, actually. "Am I really going to have to explain this to you guys like seven-year-olds? That was not in my contract. God, I hate shows with young people."
When no-one contradicts him, Anthony soldiers on. "You," he says, pointing at Bradley, "just told Colin he was sexy in what you believed was the language of love. And you," he continues, indicating Colin, "were too busy staring at his butt to notice for a while. Does that not indicate something?"
"Colin is using subliminal messages to make me move over, so he can sit on the bed?" Bradley tries, and is disappointed when Anthony looks like he's about to cry.
A few more moments pass. And then -
"I get it!" Colin cries.
Bradley does not, yet. "You do?" he asks.
"Yeah. He thinks you fancy me."
"Well, duh."
"Wait, you do?"
Anthony makes funny noises at this. Colin is concerned, but only for a second.
"Of course. What do you think my courting was, mate?"
Colin considers this. "Huh." He did think the dozen hand-picked roses next to a limerick about his cheekbones was going a bit far, but he figured that Bradley was just leading up to a prank, or something. It wouldn't actually be surprising.
"So," Bradley asks, "d'you mind? Because if you did, I could totally go back to stalking Katie. That was kinda fun, though a lot of pain."
"Nah, it's cool. Besides, I think you're kinda weirdly adorable."
Bradley nods, okay with that. But a few moments later, he exclaims, "Does this mean we're going out?"
"I think you have to put out first."
"私はあなた紫色. I love you."
When the moaning starts, Anthony gets up, and rolls his eyes. He hates being the oldest. And besides, Bradley still couldn't speak Japanese. "I purple you" doesn't even make sense.
zed_pm 's merlin/arthur. her prompt to me was "HOW ABOUT DRUNK!ARTHUR, BIRTHDAY CAKE, AAAAAAAND.....MAKEUP...MUCH TO MERLIN'S CHAGRIN." i got, um, three out of four! sort of. merlin is not too chagrined, but arthur is, so i figure it evens out.
thorough debauchery, aided by alcohol and makeup (merlin/arthur, pg-13, 1500 words. forced crossdressing!)
"Ariel - my girlfriend? Isn't that Arthur?" Merlin gasped, while Arthur protested, "Merlin's my boyfriend? But I deserve so much better! I'm prettier!">Birthdays were the worst. And Arthur's birthday sucked especially, which was not fair, because he was the prince and should therefore have an amazing one.
His seven-year-old self was terrible too, because it was past-him's fault that he was currently stuck on a chair (on his birthday) while Morgana screamed at him to stay still and put god knows what on his eyes. "You know, most people move when they a scary lady with a stick is smacking them in the face. Maybe you should be more gentle."
Morgana answered, with a delighted smirk, "Maybe you shouldn't think girls can't fight."
"I was eight!" Arthur protested. "And you were being annoying!" He paused, and muttered, "And they still can't, not really."
"What was that?" Morgana asked. "Was that you saying, 'Oh yes, Morgana, I would like have this happen to me on all major holidays also'? Because if it was, I'm sure I could arrange that."
"No," Arthur sulked.
It wasn't his fault that Morgana didn't like him from the first time she saw him. Except for how he did insult her dress, but whatever. It was totally an ugly dress.
And then she'd challenged him to a duel, and he's laughed and told her that she was a girl, and girls were weaker than boys.
In retrospect, that may have been a bad idea.
Because Morgana went white with fury, and demanded that she fight him, and that if she won, she could make him be a girl once a year, and he could learn what it was like. Arthur had scoffed, because not only was he a boy, he was the prince, so he'd totally win.
Except for how she did, and this was the result. Morgana was a terrible person, so her "once a year" obviously had to be on his birthday. And now, instead of taking advantage of all the lovely ladies who had come to Camelot to wish him a happy birthday, he was stuck in a chair while Morgana considered whether purple went with his skin tone.
He hated his birthday.
*
Now that Morgana had stuck five pounds of something on his face, stuffed his dress, and made Arthur want to die countless times, the truly terrible part began.
He had to walk all around the castle as "Ariel," a girl who Morgana had entirely too much backstory for. She'd been refining the girl for years, and each new addition would have made Arthur want to cry, if Arthur cried.
But he wasn't a girl or anything, so he just got drunk instead. Or tried to. Morgana saw his flask and snatched it away. "You have to remember this night, Arthur. That's the point."
Arthur actually suspected the point was to get back at him because of Morgana's secret, unreturned passion for him, but he (happily) knew better than to say that.
There was a knock at the door, at Arthur made a face at it. And then he saw Morgana's expression of unholy glee, and became truly frightened.
She ran over to the door and opened it excitingly, to reveal - Merlin. Arthur tried to convey "I think I may die if you don't save me" with his eyes, but Merlin just looked shocked.
"Am I - in the right room?" he asked, doubtfully.
Morgana just smiled. Because she was the devil. "Ariel, meet your boyfriend, Merlin!"
"Ariel - my girlfriend? Isn't that Arthur?" Merlin gasped, while Arthur protested, "Merlin's my boyfriend? But I deserve so much better! I'm prettier!"
"You, be quiet," Morgana commanded, and turned to Merlin. She gave him a (very embellished) story of the bet and its consequences, at which Merlin finally gave in and burst into laughter. Arthur shot very scary daggers at him with his eyes, but Merlin didn't notice. Stupid Merlin.
When he finally recovered, he asked, "But what does that have to do with me?"
"Well," Morgana explained, evilly, "I've realized that there's a big flaw. Arthur's always alone, so I have no way to stop him if he just hides a corner and sulks." To be fair, that was, actually, what Arthur was planning to do. "Obviously, that is not in the spirit of the bet. So, I've decided that I need someone to keep an eye on him, to make sure he socializes properly."
"And that couldn't be - you, or Gwen?" Merlin said, sounding slightly desperate.
Frowning, Morgana brushed that idea way. "Of course not! Gwen would probably let him sulk, and besides, Ariel needs a boyfriend. She's been very lonely."
"Actually," Arthur said, firmly, "Ariel has been totally fine on her own. Ecstatic, actually."
Morgana just glared. Arthur immediately shut up.
"Okay," Merlin sighed, sounding resigned. "I'm Ariel's boyfriend. What now?"
*
As soon as Arthur was completely sure there was no one else in the corridor (anyone could be Morgana's spy), he dragged him into a hidden corner. "We need alcohol. Do you have any?"
Merlin was still staring. "Fine. Mine will have to do, I guess." He reached into his top, and did not appreciate the way Merlin's eyes almost popped out. "Eyes up here, idiot," Arthur commanded.
Blushing, Merlin averted his eyes immediately. Arthur took advantage of that distraction to root around for the several small bottles of ale he's hidden in there, for this precise reason.
God, Arthur's life was the worst. He took a drink.
*
Several hours later, Arthur was feeling a lot better. Several giant bottles of mead had become involved at one point, though Arthur was not sure how.
He turned to ask Merlin how they got the bottles, but Merlin was a lot farther away than he should be. Arthur wasn't sure why, but it now seems really really essential that Merlin be near him. He tried walking to him, but then just faceplanted into his lap.
Arthur guessed that worked too. "Hello," he says, poking Merlin with his nose. His nose is awesome.
Merlin laughed at him. Arthur wasn't sure why, but it may have something to do with his current position. "Your wig fell off," he told Arthur.
Arthur knew that. He's not stupid. But when he tried to prove that by jamming the wig back onto his head, Merlin just laughed more. It's annoying.
So in retaliation, he flopped back onto Merlin, and started using his nose to be like a super awesome explorer. It's all good, until he notices -
"Um," Merlin said, shifting away.
"Whoa," said Arthur, poking it. "Is that your - "
"Er. Uh. Maybe?"
"It's kinda cool."
"Thanks?"
"It's, you know, hard. Weird."
"Uhhhhhhh - "
"Why?"
"Morgana."
"Whoa, that was hours ago, Merlin. Really?"
"Noit'sherfault."
"Merlin, it's perfectly nara-natra-normal. Don't blame her."
"Yourdress."
"My dress?"
"Looks nice - " Merlin managed, and gasps. Arthur's nose was still being an intrepid explorer.
"On me?"
"Yeah."
"Duh, idiot. I look good in everything."
"No you don't. I hate that blue shirt. But dress is good."
"I like blue shirt!"
"Makes you look fat."
"Makes your face look fat."
Arthur assumed Merlin was just in awe of his awesome. It was cool.
But then Merlin moaned, and Arthur realized what was going on. "You like me."
"No."
"Yes."
"Maybe."
"You love me!"
"I hate you."
"Merlin thinks I'm seeexy."
"Notatall."
"Uh huh."
"Shu' up."
"You like me in a dress!"
"You like me all the time."
Arthur thought for a while.
"Huh. I do."
"Really?"
"Well, I kept getting dreams of you naked in my bed. Thought it was an evil sorcerer, but I might just like you."
Merlin choked. Arthur was concerned, but not for too long. Because then their mouths met, and that's pretty awesome too.
Actually, they were both so drunk that it more a mashing of tongues and teeth, but it worked. Somehow.
*
The next morning, Arthur stumbled into Morgana's room to prove that he kept it on the whole night. She just looked at him and laughed. Really hard. She also coughs "whore," which Arthur can totally hear, and does not appreciate. Because he is not a whore, and he doesn't look like one.
Except then he glanced in the mirror, and, well. He kind of does.
"So, how was your night?" Morgana asked, with a facade of innocence.
"Fine," he answered, stiffly. Morgana was evil. Although she did kind of lead to the best night of his life, so he may have to reconsider his stance. One thing was for certain, though. "I'm not being a girl for an entire year."
Of course, that's when Merlin walked in, looking, if possible, even more debauched than Arthur. He smirked, and said, "Actually, that was what I was just about to ask Morgana about. Do you think she would let us borrow the dress? I feel like it will be quite useful."
Morgana looked beside herself with glee. Merlin looked like he was four parts lust and one part evil.
Arthur hated everything.