Machete don't text.
I liked The Expendables in a kissing-in-the-coatroom kind of way: the build-up was nice, the kiss was pleasant enough, but it was over too quick and in the end? There wasn't much tongue. It was the kind of movie you dream up when you're a kid. If I were making a movie, bro? I'd put Stallone and Jet Li and every action movie bad-ass in it, give everybody guns and just go rip some evil dude's asshole out for two hours. This was the promise of The Expendables, but this was not the reality of The Expendables. It was a little wild, but it wasn't more violent than the last Rambo movie. It was cool, but it still took itself a little too seriously and bothered to have stuff like morality and father/daughter moments. It was retro, but that mostly extended to the cast and the lack of pristine special effects, which I certainly appreciate now and then.
But Machete?
Machete was like sneaking into the coatrooom for a kiss with the girl you've been flirting with in class only to find out she's a filthy, blow-you-at-recess tramp. Machete grabbed me by the arms, pushed me on top of the desk with the lunchboxes and ravaged me. It was the best recess affair I'd ever had.
For an hour and half Danny Trejo slices, kicks, punches, stabs, dismembers, weedwacks, shoots, slams and fucks everything on the screen, pretty much from beginning to end. It is a relentless film with a cast that was more committed in this retro homage to exploitation flicks than they were in some of their own stuff. Machete had Robert DeNiro straight hamming it up and is probably the best appearance Don Johnson's ever had on the big screen. As far as I was concerned, Steven Seagal was doing cooking shows for the last twenty years. Not in Machete, son! Machete made me root for Seagal like he could ACT or something. Jeff Fahey is as slimey as you ever saw him, and Cheech Marin is funny as an irreverent priest.
And the ladies? Director Robert Rodriguez never skimps on the ladies, but in this flick he doesn't stop tossing them onscreen in all their fanboy-inducing glory until you have the texture and color of Lindsey Lohan's nipples memorized. I don't even LIKE Lindsey Lohan - still couldn't care less - but I feel I can now forgive her for at least Herbie: Fully Loaded...you know, since she showed her "acting chops" and all. The other ladies are, again, actresses I don't pay much attention to but shined here with the requisite Rodriguez pump-ups (meaning he gave them all guns). Even Jessica Alba, who I think is about as attractive from the neck down as a tetherball pole, has a shower scene that made me pause for a few seconds with a fully cheesed-up nacho in hand on its way to my mouth. NOTHING comes between me and cheese nachos, yo.
Most importantly, everyone looks like they're having the time of their lives in this movie, like they're all trying to see who can outdo who in every scene in the silly department. Really over-the-top caricatures and plenty of ridiculous lines to go around.
Except for Trejo, who probably has fewer lines than half of the extras. But then, Trejo doesn't need to say much. Machete is a killing machine, and Trejo plays him pitch-perfect. When he does speak, everything around him stops. And the dude out-Shafts Shaft. I'm saying this as a black man, mind you. Machete is the new Shaft and the new Terminator. It's hilarious and wild and fun all at the same time, and Trejo at 66 years of age is killing it...and everything else. Let's see a comic book of this already, preferably with the artist from Scalped.
It's over the top, bloody, wild, tough and the most fun I've had at the movies all summer. Somewhere Stallone is watching this and going, "fuck".
But Machete?
Machete was like sneaking into the coatrooom for a kiss with the girl you've been flirting with in class only to find out she's a filthy, blow-you-at-recess tramp. Machete grabbed me by the arms, pushed me on top of the desk with the lunchboxes and ravaged me. It was the best recess affair I'd ever had.
For an hour and half Danny Trejo slices, kicks, punches, stabs, dismembers, weedwacks, shoots, slams and fucks everything on the screen, pretty much from beginning to end. It is a relentless film with a cast that was more committed in this retro homage to exploitation flicks than they were in some of their own stuff. Machete had Robert DeNiro straight hamming it up and is probably the best appearance Don Johnson's ever had on the big screen. As far as I was concerned, Steven Seagal was doing cooking shows for the last twenty years. Not in Machete, son! Machete made me root for Seagal like he could ACT or something. Jeff Fahey is as slimey as you ever saw him, and Cheech Marin is funny as an irreverent priest.
And the ladies? Director Robert Rodriguez never skimps on the ladies, but in this flick he doesn't stop tossing them onscreen in all their fanboy-inducing glory until you have the texture and color of Lindsey Lohan's nipples memorized. I don't even LIKE Lindsey Lohan - still couldn't care less - but I feel I can now forgive her for at least Herbie: Fully Loaded...you know, since she showed her "acting chops" and all. The other ladies are, again, actresses I don't pay much attention to but shined here with the requisite Rodriguez pump-ups (meaning he gave them all guns). Even Jessica Alba, who I think is about as attractive from the neck down as a tetherball pole, has a shower scene that made me pause for a few seconds with a fully cheesed-up nacho in hand on its way to my mouth. NOTHING comes between me and cheese nachos, yo.
Most importantly, everyone looks like they're having the time of their lives in this movie, like they're all trying to see who can outdo who in every scene in the silly department. Really over-the-top caricatures and plenty of ridiculous lines to go around.
Except for Trejo, who probably has fewer lines than half of the extras. But then, Trejo doesn't need to say much. Machete is a killing machine, and Trejo plays him pitch-perfect. When he does speak, everything around him stops. And the dude out-Shafts Shaft. I'm saying this as a black man, mind you. Machete is the new Shaft and the new Terminator. It's hilarious and wild and fun all at the same time, and Trejo at 66 years of age is killing it...and everything else. Let's see a comic book of this already, preferably with the artist from Scalped.
It's over the top, bloody, wild, tough and the most fun I've had at the movies all summer. Somewhere Stallone is watching this and going, "fuck".