Dancing With The Stars - Now with 50% more cursing and bile
Let me begin by saying that I don’t like dancing. I can’t do it, but that’s not why I don’t like it. I just don’t care about it. It’s a weird thing to say as someone who composes music, but my stuff is more the sort of thing you nod your head to in a car or have really lubricated sex to, not dance to, so I stand firm on my dislike of dancing in general. I don’t hate on people who do it - some of my best friends are dancers - but I’d much rather make someone dance than actually do it. The only kind of dancing I’m drawn to is krumping, but I think that's because it’s so unlike dancing and more like watching a dancer being shot by some kind of carnie sharpshooter who knows how to keep a target from hitting the ground.
When dancing shows started coming out I felt a great relief, in a way. I had been looking for a way to cull what was becoming an addiction to television, most notably during the elections of 2008, and the explosion of dance and non-talent shows really got me off the pipe. It was as if TV networks knew America would be going through a serious bout of media withdrawal and decided to take one for the team and put on tripe so blatantly stupid and ridiculous that no one would be able to turn on their TVs, make us all go cold turkey. We’d have to wipe our kitchen tables clean, putting all of the crap that had accumulated there back in the Junk Drawer We All Have and sit at the table, night after night, being families again.
But then something happened. People started watching the fucking shows.
The ratings for these types of shows are ridiculous, considering they consist solely of dance numbers to music that makes my penis wither and bullshit rehearsal footage where dancers act like they’re having a hard time doing shit they’ve been doing for the last ten years. You know…for drama. I have watched a few of them and enjoyed a number or two, but in the end I felt dirty. I didn’t want to like the Jabberwockeys, but damned if they didn’t make it look like that dude was flying. In the end let’s be real: the dancing on these shows is dancing like you never see in any nightclub to music no one likes judged by people sitting on their couches and punching cellphone buttons for the most Black-looking Asian gang of Footloose refugees that month.
The most mind-boggling show of the lot has to be Dancing with the Stars, which is the epitome of satire, beginning with the title. Dancing? Sure. Stars? Give the fuck up, son. This show has stars like a serial killer’s basement has an “audience”. I’m not saying they never had a star on the show. I’m saying they had people who used to be stars and are thus committing an act of false advertising.
And yet THIS season? The show has lost its fucking mind.
Here is the cast for the new season, which seems to reboot every three weeks:
Bristol Palin
The Situation
David Hasselhoff
Jennifer Grey
Audrina Patridge
Rick Fox
Margaret Cho
Michael Bolton
Brandy
Florence Henderson
Kurt Warner
Kyle Orlando Massey
Holy shit, who farted?
I have to admit, pound for pound they probably have more former stars than any season I didn’t bother looking up to confirm that statistic. A few of these people used to be the biggest names on television, and a couple of them used to be platinum-selling musical artists.
USED to be. FORMER stars.
Six of these people were TV actors, four of which were on shows I never watched and one of which was on one cool show (Knight Rider) and then bullshit thereafter. One of these faux-dancers is a comedian who isn’t funny anymore (Cho), two are musical artists no one listens to anymore (Bolton, Brandy), two are athletes that don’t play anymore (Fox, Warner), and the last is the embarrassing idiot daughter of an even more embarrassing politician so dumb I spent half of the election pining for George W. Bush to run again to keep us from ripping a hole in the fabric of space/time.
Much like turning on your windshield wipers in a shit storm, here's my take on them, one at a time:
Bristol Palin - Known more for not being able to keep her abstinence-plus legs closed than for just about anything else she could possibly be doing with the sum total existence of her life.
The Situation - If an asterisk had a voice, it would be this guy. His stomach is more famous than he is. This guy makes me wish for the days when you could say retard and get away with it. That he will make 5 million dollars this year for basically being drunk in nightclubs on camera just proves that there is no recession…we just like to blow our money on short, stupid things. Kill this guy and the housing market goes back to normal.
David Hasselhoff - You know what show of his I liked most? The one of him drunk eating a hamburger shot by his daughter, begging him to stop. The Hoff was just arrested in May for more drunken debauchery. If his daughter really wanted him to stop drinking, she wouldn’t have let him sign on to DWTS. He’ll be killing a flask between takes, trying to figure out how he went from owning a talking car to flamenco dancing.
Jennifer Grey - The last good movie she was in I didn’t remember seeing her in (Redbelt), and anything prior to that wasn’t Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, so who cares.
Audrina Patridge - I didn’t even know who this was. It’s no wonder, since I usually miss The Hills when it’s on because I’m scraping aluminum foil over my teeth instead.
Rick Fox - After some mildly impressive acting as (essentially) himself on Oz, he followed it up by spending a couple of seasons on The Game, which is a show so bad that BET picked it up from the CW after two failed seasons because BET is allergic to anything that makes black people look good.
Margaret Cho - I remember when she was funny and didn’t spend 90 percent of her stand-up routine talking about the power of her twat…which I should warn you tastes like Szechuan chicken.
Michael Bolton - Who gives a fuck. I liked him better when he was Daryl Hall.
Brandy - Being on DWTS proves that her career is as dead as the guy she killed with her car a few years ago.
Florence Henderson - They always like to throw one old ringer in so they can get advertising dollars from companies like Metamucil and Joseph Enterprises. Be gentle with the old lady, guys; she’s still got it, even though she can’t pick a film to save her life.
Kurt Warner - ABC is selling his appearance like this: “[This douche] is the first quarterback ever to participate in the popular ABC reality-competition show.” You know what that means? That means that of all the former football players - football players - FUCKING FOOTBALL PLAYERS - that have been on this show in eleven seasons, he’s the first quarterback. Like dance fans were keeping track of that. “Man, this show is cool, but when are special teams going to get some love?” ABC could have never put a retired football player on this show from any team in the history of football and NO ONE WOULD HAVE FUCKING NOTICED. You know why? Because when we think dancing, we don’t think football players. Come to think of it, we don’t think Hy-Vee grocery stock boys either. Double thump for you, assholes.
Kyle Orlando Massey - I had to look up if this dude was either really young or one of those freaky Webster/Gary Coleman-type dudes that’s going to die when he’s 30. Sleep soundly tonight, America: he only looks like that because he’s 19. If he dies young it’ll be because he’s fat, hopefully while on stage at DWTS. That his career is 99% Disney drek should surprise no one, since he’s made a million dollars being a fat jolly black kid and you never heard of him. What you talkin’ ‘bout, Mickey?!
That’s it: the class of 2011…until next month anyway, when they roll out the new list of cultural miscreants who used to have careers (or never had careers until they got knocked up (Palin) or threw up on a stripper (The Situation). Pretty fucking pitiful, even by DWTS standards.
BUT WAIT!
If I had to put together a cast for a bullshit show like this? I’d go for the gold, man. I think you’d be surprised who would do it given the right incentives, like a chance to really give the American public some REAL drama. Here’s my slate. What do I need, twelve? Fuck. Okay, here we go:
- Laurence Fishburne. We’ll make his dancing partner his estranged porno-acting daughter, Montana Fishburne. Wait for the really hot numbers! So wrong, yet so...Hollywood.
- Tiger Woods. If we must have an athlete, then Tiger gets my vote! Maybe we can get him back in a flowing bolero shirt that shows his hairy nipples. Mm. Delicious-not. Besides: the guy just opened up a 54-million-dollar mortgage on a super-mansion. He could use the cash.
- Gabourey Sidibe. My ASS, you don’t wanna see some Ballet Met fuck trying to lift her ass on a twirl.
- T.I. His career is about to implode anyway. Besides, I’m still mad at him for being in ATL and not explaining beforehand that it’s a weak-ass skating movie. I thought the shit was gangsta, not Roll Bounce 2: The Revenge of Sweetness.
- Danny Trejo. We had a better chance of getting "Machete" to do this before he got his first starring role this year, but I bet he’d still do it. He’d really fuck them Spanish dances up…right before he assaults all of his partners.
- M. Night Shyamalan. Who doesn’t want to make this prick dance in tights a couple of times before we vote his ass into oblivion? Fuck you for making us believe in smart movies again, M. Night. Fuck YOU.
- Mel Gibson. We’ll make him dance to nothing but rap music and klezmer. Then, when he gets voted off, we’ll get a pack of niggers to rape him.
- Ben Affleck. His dance partner will be Matt Damon. I mean, come ON. You think they never danced together before?
- Terry Crews. For a man his size he’s always dancing. Every film he’s in he breaks into the robot (except The Expendables!). I can’t believe he went an entire series - Everybody Hates Chris - and didn’t dance more than once. Now THAT’S acting, yo.
- Antoine Dodson. The “Bed Intruder” muse. What, you think he don’t have no moves to go with that hair? Hide your weave, hide your tracks, hide your weave, hide your tracks!
- Lafayette. I know Lafayette’s a fictional character (True Blood) and Nelsan Ellis is the actor. But I don’t want to see Nelsan Ellis on DWTS. I want to see Lafayette kickworming and fucking a loveseat.
- Betty White. Really, what show isn’t made 110% better by the appearance of White? I didn’t even know they gave out Emmys for hosting, and she got one for SNL? SNL?! That show has sucked for twenty years now and in one appearance she gave us all hope.
Now THAT’S a show worth watching, son. You’re welcome.
When dancing shows started coming out I felt a great relief, in a way. I had been looking for a way to cull what was becoming an addiction to television, most notably during the elections of 2008, and the explosion of dance and non-talent shows really got me off the pipe. It was as if TV networks knew America would be going through a serious bout of media withdrawal and decided to take one for the team and put on tripe so blatantly stupid and ridiculous that no one would be able to turn on their TVs, make us all go cold turkey. We’d have to wipe our kitchen tables clean, putting all of the crap that had accumulated there back in the Junk Drawer We All Have and sit at the table, night after night, being families again.
But then something happened. People started watching the fucking shows.
The ratings for these types of shows are ridiculous, considering they consist solely of dance numbers to music that makes my penis wither and bullshit rehearsal footage where dancers act like they’re having a hard time doing shit they’ve been doing for the last ten years. You know…for drama. I have watched a few of them and enjoyed a number or two, but in the end I felt dirty. I didn’t want to like the Jabberwockeys, but damned if they didn’t make it look like that dude was flying. In the end let’s be real: the dancing on these shows is dancing like you never see in any nightclub to music no one likes judged by people sitting on their couches and punching cellphone buttons for the most Black-looking Asian gang of Footloose refugees that month.
The most mind-boggling show of the lot has to be Dancing with the Stars, which is the epitome of satire, beginning with the title. Dancing? Sure. Stars? Give the fuck up, son. This show has stars like a serial killer’s basement has an “audience”. I’m not saying they never had a star on the show. I’m saying they had people who used to be stars and are thus committing an act of false advertising.
And yet THIS season? The show has lost its fucking mind.
Here is the cast for the new season, which seems to reboot every three weeks:
Bristol Palin
The Situation
David Hasselhoff
Jennifer Grey
Audrina Patridge
Rick Fox
Margaret Cho
Michael Bolton
Brandy
Florence Henderson
Kurt Warner
Kyle Orlando Massey
Holy shit, who farted?
I have to admit, pound for pound they probably have more former stars than any season I didn’t bother looking up to confirm that statistic. A few of these people used to be the biggest names on television, and a couple of them used to be platinum-selling musical artists.
USED to be. FORMER stars.
Six of these people were TV actors, four of which were on shows I never watched and one of which was on one cool show (Knight Rider) and then bullshit thereafter. One of these faux-dancers is a comedian who isn’t funny anymore (Cho), two are musical artists no one listens to anymore (Bolton, Brandy), two are athletes that don’t play anymore (Fox, Warner), and the last is the embarrassing idiot daughter of an even more embarrassing politician so dumb I spent half of the election pining for George W. Bush to run again to keep us from ripping a hole in the fabric of space/time.
Much like turning on your windshield wipers in a shit storm, here's my take on them, one at a time:
Bristol Palin - Known more for not being able to keep her abstinence-plus legs closed than for just about anything else she could possibly be doing with the sum total existence of her life.
The Situation - If an asterisk had a voice, it would be this guy. His stomach is more famous than he is. This guy makes me wish for the days when you could say retard and get away with it. That he will make 5 million dollars this year for basically being drunk in nightclubs on camera just proves that there is no recession…we just like to blow our money on short, stupid things. Kill this guy and the housing market goes back to normal.
David Hasselhoff - You know what show of his I liked most? The one of him drunk eating a hamburger shot by his daughter, begging him to stop. The Hoff was just arrested in May for more drunken debauchery. If his daughter really wanted him to stop drinking, she wouldn’t have let him sign on to DWTS. He’ll be killing a flask between takes, trying to figure out how he went from owning a talking car to flamenco dancing.
Jennifer Grey - The last good movie she was in I didn’t remember seeing her in (Redbelt), and anything prior to that wasn’t Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, so who cares.
Audrina Patridge - I didn’t even know who this was. It’s no wonder, since I usually miss The Hills when it’s on because I’m scraping aluminum foil over my teeth instead.
Rick Fox - After some mildly impressive acting as (essentially) himself on Oz, he followed it up by spending a couple of seasons on The Game, which is a show so bad that BET picked it up from the CW after two failed seasons because BET is allergic to anything that makes black people look good.
Margaret Cho - I remember when she was funny and didn’t spend 90 percent of her stand-up routine talking about the power of her twat…which I should warn you tastes like Szechuan chicken.
Michael Bolton - Who gives a fuck. I liked him better when he was Daryl Hall.
Brandy - Being on DWTS proves that her career is as dead as the guy she killed with her car a few years ago.
Florence Henderson - They always like to throw one old ringer in so they can get advertising dollars from companies like Metamucil and Joseph Enterprises. Be gentle with the old lady, guys; she’s still got it, even though she can’t pick a film to save her life.
Kurt Warner - ABC is selling his appearance like this: “[This douche] is the first quarterback ever to participate in the popular ABC reality-competition show.” You know what that means? That means that of all the former football players - football players - FUCKING FOOTBALL PLAYERS - that have been on this show in eleven seasons, he’s the first quarterback. Like dance fans were keeping track of that. “Man, this show is cool, but when are special teams going to get some love?” ABC could have never put a retired football player on this show from any team in the history of football and NO ONE WOULD HAVE FUCKING NOTICED. You know why? Because when we think dancing, we don’t think football players. Come to think of it, we don’t think Hy-Vee grocery stock boys either. Double thump for you, assholes.
Kyle Orlando Massey - I had to look up if this dude was either really young or one of those freaky Webster/Gary Coleman-type dudes that’s going to die when he’s 30. Sleep soundly tonight, America: he only looks like that because he’s 19. If he dies young it’ll be because he’s fat, hopefully while on stage at DWTS. That his career is 99% Disney drek should surprise no one, since he’s made a million dollars being a fat jolly black kid and you never heard of him. What you talkin’ ‘bout, Mickey?!
That’s it: the class of 2011…until next month anyway, when they roll out the new list of cultural miscreants who used to have careers (or never had careers until they got knocked up (Palin) or threw up on a stripper (The Situation). Pretty fucking pitiful, even by DWTS standards.
BUT WAIT!
If I had to put together a cast for a bullshit show like this? I’d go for the gold, man. I think you’d be surprised who would do it given the right incentives, like a chance to really give the American public some REAL drama. Here’s my slate. What do I need, twelve? Fuck. Okay, here we go:
- Laurence Fishburne. We’ll make his dancing partner his estranged porno-acting daughter, Montana Fishburne. Wait for the really hot numbers! So wrong, yet so...Hollywood.
- Tiger Woods. If we must have an athlete, then Tiger gets my vote! Maybe we can get him back in a flowing bolero shirt that shows his hairy nipples. Mm. Delicious-not. Besides: the guy just opened up a 54-million-dollar mortgage on a super-mansion. He could use the cash.
- Gabourey Sidibe. My ASS, you don’t wanna see some Ballet Met fuck trying to lift her ass on a twirl.
- T.I. His career is about to implode anyway. Besides, I’m still mad at him for being in ATL and not explaining beforehand that it’s a weak-ass skating movie. I thought the shit was gangsta, not Roll Bounce 2: The Revenge of Sweetness.
- Danny Trejo. We had a better chance of getting "Machete" to do this before he got his first starring role this year, but I bet he’d still do it. He’d really fuck them Spanish dances up…right before he assaults all of his partners.
- M. Night Shyamalan. Who doesn’t want to make this prick dance in tights a couple of times before we vote his ass into oblivion? Fuck you for making us believe in smart movies again, M. Night. Fuck YOU.
- Mel Gibson. We’ll make him dance to nothing but rap music and klezmer. Then, when he gets voted off, we’ll get a pack of niggers to rape him.
- Ben Affleck. His dance partner will be Matt Damon. I mean, come ON. You think they never danced together before?
- Terry Crews. For a man his size he’s always dancing. Every film he’s in he breaks into the robot (except The Expendables!). I can’t believe he went an entire series - Everybody Hates Chris - and didn’t dance more than once. Now THAT’S acting, yo.
- Antoine Dodson. The “Bed Intruder” muse. What, you think he don’t have no moves to go with that hair? Hide your weave, hide your tracks, hide your weave, hide your tracks!
- Lafayette. I know Lafayette’s a fictional character (True Blood) and Nelsan Ellis is the actor. But I don’t want to see Nelsan Ellis on DWTS. I want to see Lafayette kickworming and fucking a loveseat.
- Betty White. Really, what show isn’t made 110% better by the appearance of White? I didn’t even know they gave out Emmys for hosting, and she got one for SNL? SNL?! That show has sucked for twenty years now and in one appearance she gave us all hope.
Now THAT’S a show worth watching, son. You’re welcome.