What was I thinking when I said it didn't hurt
This is from last night. I'm doing better now.
I'm so fucking scared I'm going to relapse. Or maybe I already have.
I feel semi-decent (still depressed but can do stuff with moderate amounts of effort) when I take my Adderall, but as soon as it wears off I get suicidal, and I have to let it wear off at night or I can't fucking sleep. I'm having panic attacks again on a regular basis, after months of not having them.
On top of all of this, my school wants me to submit paperwork verifying my disability, and my appeal for Social Security is now at the Administrative Law Judge stage and my lawyers seem to think my hearing will be scheduled soon. Since I've been doing better (enrolled in college, taking two classes), I'm terrified that my fucking appeal will be denied and I'll be right back where I started, only older and battle-scarred.
I can't hold down a fucking job because of my depression and because I'm lazy and un-fucking-motivated. I sleep 12+ hours a day, I have anxiety to an incredible level when dealing with authority figures and I have panic attacks when I get criticized. (God only knows what my reaction to my grades is going to be, considering that I fucking haven't studied and it's my own goddamn lazy fault.)
I'm running out of different medication to try. We're down to MAOIs and ECT, basically. (I'm already on an anti-psychotic, a stimulant and an antidepressant.) Maybe a med adjustment is in order? What the hell is my psychiatrist going to adjust to get rid of this? And I've failed him again by getting depressed again after doing so well. I'm crying writing this because all my doctor wants is for me to get well, and all I want is for the pain to be over. I also really LIKE my psychiatrist and don't want to disappoint him by telling him that I'm not doing as well as I was.
No one can stand to be in a relationship with me. I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in with my black hole of depression.
I'm also pretty sure my therapist is tired of my stupid inability to ever get better and of me.
I'm so fucking tired of trying to fight every single day just to feel halfway close to "marginally shitty" as opposed to "really shitty."
I'm so fucking scared I'm going to relapse. Or maybe I already have.
I feel semi-decent (still depressed but can do stuff with moderate amounts of effort) when I take my Adderall, but as soon as it wears off I get suicidal, and I have to let it wear off at night or I can't fucking sleep. I'm having panic attacks again on a regular basis, after months of not having them.
On top of all of this, my school wants me to submit paperwork verifying my disability, and my appeal for Social Security is now at the Administrative Law Judge stage and my lawyers seem to think my hearing will be scheduled soon. Since I've been doing better (enrolled in college, taking two classes), I'm terrified that my fucking appeal will be denied and I'll be right back where I started, only older and battle-scarred.
I can't hold down a fucking job because of my depression and because I'm lazy and un-fucking-motivated. I sleep 12+ hours a day, I have anxiety to an incredible level when dealing with authority figures and I have panic attacks when I get criticized. (God only knows what my reaction to my grades is going to be, considering that I fucking haven't studied and it's my own goddamn lazy fault.)
I'm running out of different medication to try. We're down to MAOIs and ECT, basically. (I'm already on an anti-psychotic, a stimulant and an antidepressant.) Maybe a med adjustment is in order? What the hell is my psychiatrist going to adjust to get rid of this? And I've failed him again by getting depressed again after doing so well. I'm crying writing this because all my doctor wants is for me to get well, and all I want is for the pain to be over. I also really LIKE my psychiatrist and don't want to disappoint him by telling him that I'm not doing as well as I was.
No one can stand to be in a relationship with me. I've destroyed every relationship I've ever been in with my black hole of depression.
I'm also pretty sure my therapist is tired of my stupid inability to ever get better and of me.
I'm so fucking tired of trying to fight every single day just to feel halfway close to "marginally shitty" as opposed to "really shitty."