i try so hard not to notice and i try so hard not to show this side of me
Today was horribly uneventful. Well, not horribly. I read and slept all day and then watched some Wonder Woman with Brandon. Which by the way she is the SHIT.
I had never seen an episode before and now we have the whole first season to watch! Woot.
I am trying not to feel or be sassy but I am, at the moment. Things are just....so weird, every where I look. Nothing is as I think it would be. And its not all bad. But its weird, and everythings so unsettled.
As sporadic as I think I am, I realize I like my sporadicness in comparison to the rigidness of every one elses life. And when those closet to me lives are eventful and random...well it makes me feel like being rigid and plain. As if my planning and always being there and my being dependable can help to fix anything that may go wrong for someone else.
And I dont know if I am even helping. I think thats the part that sucks most. Sometimes I just want to ask my friends if I am even being close to helpful, but most of the time I am trying to help by being intuitive to their needs, even if they dont realize that I know they need it.
If that makes any sense.
I feel lost at the moment. I will smile, I will wake up and put on a great face. I will do what I have to do to get through the day. But alone, at this moment, I am going to cry because I cant when anyone else is around. I dont want to waste my time with my friends crying and being sad because I dont understand where my life is going, or if its going. I dont want to waste time talking about the fact that when I am sad all i ever think about was the happiest years of my life. And more than likely, they will be thinking about their own troubles anyways.
Sometimes, if i focus solely on trying to make other people happier all my problems end up being like rubbish. Easy to trash and forget about.
I had never seen an episode before and now we have the whole first season to watch! Woot.
I am trying not to feel or be sassy but I am, at the moment. Things are just....so weird, every where I look. Nothing is as I think it would be. And its not all bad. But its weird, and everythings so unsettled.
As sporadic as I think I am, I realize I like my sporadicness in comparison to the rigidness of every one elses life. And when those closet to me lives are eventful and random...well it makes me feel like being rigid and plain. As if my planning and always being there and my being dependable can help to fix anything that may go wrong for someone else.
And I dont know if I am even helping. I think thats the part that sucks most. Sometimes I just want to ask my friends if I am even being close to helpful, but most of the time I am trying to help by being intuitive to their needs, even if they dont realize that I know they need it.
If that makes any sense.
I feel lost at the moment. I will smile, I will wake up and put on a great face. I will do what I have to do to get through the day. But alone, at this moment, I am going to cry because I cant when anyone else is around. I dont want to waste my time with my friends crying and being sad because I dont understand where my life is going, or if its going. I dont want to waste time talking about the fact that when I am sad all i ever think about was the happiest years of my life. And more than likely, they will be thinking about their own troubles anyways.
Sometimes, if i focus solely on trying to make other people happier all my problems end up being like rubbish. Easy to trash and forget about.