...Maybe I'll Catch Fire
So I got new internet at my house.
I bought a van as a temporary vehicle until I can afford something better and something Much better on gas. Damn van.
Found out that Christine has been playing me. I can get over that... but she wont fucking admit it and I have proof. Basically the situatiuon was/is this.
She lives with her "ex" boyfriend, shaun, his best friend Ian (my roommates brother), and Josey (my roomates step mother). She cheated on Shaun with me. They were together for 3 years and he treated her like total shit. That I know is true. They broke up and christine and I started seeing eachother unofficially. But things started seeming strange to me. A concerned someone let me know that it was possible she was playing Shaun and I and burning the candle at both ends. i brought it up and she assumed ian told me this. Ian was rip shit and came to my work yelling at me for talking shit. But one of the things he said that day came back to me today and I thought about it. He plaimed me for making Shaun miserable. I asked how. And he said it was because I was still fucking with christine. Then today i got a text message while trying to have a convo with christine. It was from shaun. he was fucking around and said something like "it is hard to type and ride shaun at the same time. and ian says hi" I realized it was shaun but then thought.... I was just talking to christine... she let him take the phone and say that. Regardless of whether or not she really let him... it lead me to think of what ian said. And it all makes sense. When she was over here it was all "I like you a lot, shaun treats me like shit, i cant wait until he leaves, and everyone hates me at the apartment. HOWEVER!!! She is totally going over there and switching it! Over there she was friendly with shaun and I was being the asshole and "Fucking with" her... mind...? I am guessing that is what ian meant. Fucking with her mind. i asked around... and it is true. She had been playing us both so she couldnt take responsibility for anything she did. She didnt have to cheat on shaun. No one forced her, especially me. Now Ian and shaun hate me because she is going over there and saying total shit. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL!!! Almost EVERY girl I have been with has been like this. I wish to fucking the stars that things would have worked with Adri. She is fucking amazing. But I just dont feel that way about her any more. And before i told myself I wouldnt date anymore, but I did anyway. And now I am saying the same thing.. but you know what? Honestlky, I am scared to fucking death to date now. I really am. I am not dating ever again because I am scared to now. and that ius the short version of that story. If their are any fucking mature, responsible, honest chicks out there that dont use drugs or drink socially and at least want to be friends... let me know. please. Honestly. I am lonely. I havent hung out with Christ Shelton in months and havent even talked to Money in months and I miss them terribly. Without Christine... i have no more friends. I am sooo fed up.
I almost went to the hospital last night. Wait, who am i evewn talking to?
I am glad i didnt go to the hospital... i worded that wrong. I needed to go and i survived. I did well. Granted I was scared as fuck to leave the mall because I was having the worste anxiety attack ever, but I did it. I let my roomate, maggie, know what was going on with me because she hppened to be working next door and she talked to me. Then I had the other Maggie, my co-worker, drive my van home for me while I drove her car to my house. I went to bed and i feel better. I honestly didnt think I was going to make it. Either I was going to try and off myself or I was going to end up missing weeks of work while being in the hospital. I think buying the van is what set me over. I felt like it was a total irrational thing to do. But now that I am better... i realize it wasnt. I only spent 750$ on it and it is in great condition. The only thing is that it has very bad gas milage. But for a temporary vehicle to get to work and back for a while, it is fine. I still have anxiety only because I need to register it and insure it and I am now broke. But that is every day stuff. Now If I can just finish up that process and also get over Christine and girls iun general, I will be good to go again... OH and get caught up on my bills now. Money is going to be tight only for a little bit.
I really do miss Kristy though. I have began to regret getting closer to her when she was still here and before she went to college. But it was for the best. And I wish things worked out better with Adri. But I really dont think that the rare girls, like Adri, desrve someone like me. Man I am such a paranoid nut now. I coudltn believe the thoughts I had when I was "with" christine... actually... she gave me reason to be sketched out... and my assumptions, 99% of the time, turned out to be true. Soi dont know. Im still only 20. I have plenty of time to find someone who is honest. I really feel that is the number one thing I look for now. Honesty. I can get over what christie has been doing. We are ALL guilty of doing it, I can relatre to her and I can understand why she did it. But she wont fucking admit it. Instead she told me I am crazy and Needed to take my meds. She actually said that i shouldnt talk to her until I took my meds. I waited like 7 mins and texted her with "I liked you so much christine". She questioned the past tense part and I said "It doesnt matter because you obviously dont like me back and if yu did, you have a strange way of handling it". THEN!!! She texts me back trying to be the victem. She told me she needed her space and that i should talk to her late in person after she has some space. I dont know what to do. This can go both ways:
She will admit to it. I will say my shit and... i dont know after that
she will continue to deny it and say I am crazy. This will do WONDERS for my self esteem and I will continue to think I will never be able to date anyone because I am not sane enough for it and we will probably never talk again.
I know Im not "crazy" but I really act like it. I really do. i just cant help it. i dont trust anyone. get this:
She got trashed on her exes birthday the other day and slept with him. Then she tells me she is sorry and it was a mistake. HELLO!!! She knows how she is drunk. and she got drunk.with her ex.on his birthday. THAT SPELLS SKETCHY and she put herself in that position anyway. How can you be sorry? how is that a mistake? I know it would happen and she got pissed and told me to fuck off for assuming it... then she owned up to it later when i told her someone told me she did it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Something warm to hold me,
billy
I bought a van as a temporary vehicle until I can afford something better and something Much better on gas. Damn van.
Found out that Christine has been playing me. I can get over that... but she wont fucking admit it and I have proof. Basically the situatiuon was/is this.
She lives with her "ex" boyfriend, shaun, his best friend Ian (my roommates brother), and Josey (my roomates step mother). She cheated on Shaun with me. They were together for 3 years and he treated her like total shit. That I know is true. They broke up and christine and I started seeing eachother unofficially. But things started seeming strange to me. A concerned someone let me know that it was possible she was playing Shaun and I and burning the candle at both ends. i brought it up and she assumed ian told me this. Ian was rip shit and came to my work yelling at me for talking shit. But one of the things he said that day came back to me today and I thought about it. He plaimed me for making Shaun miserable. I asked how. And he said it was because I was still fucking with christine. Then today i got a text message while trying to have a convo with christine. It was from shaun. he was fucking around and said something like "it is hard to type and ride shaun at the same time. and ian says hi" I realized it was shaun but then thought.... I was just talking to christine... she let him take the phone and say that. Regardless of whether or not she really let him... it lead me to think of what ian said. And it all makes sense. When she was over here it was all "I like you a lot, shaun treats me like shit, i cant wait until he leaves, and everyone hates me at the apartment. HOWEVER!!! She is totally going over there and switching it! Over there she was friendly with shaun and I was being the asshole and "Fucking with" her... mind...? I am guessing that is what ian meant. Fucking with her mind. i asked around... and it is true. She had been playing us both so she couldnt take responsibility for anything she did. She didnt have to cheat on shaun. No one forced her, especially me. Now Ian and shaun hate me because she is going over there and saying total shit. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A FOOL!!! Almost EVERY girl I have been with has been like this. I wish to fucking the stars that things would have worked with Adri. She is fucking amazing. But I just dont feel that way about her any more. And before i told myself I wouldnt date anymore, but I did anyway. And now I am saying the same thing.. but you know what? Honestlky, I am scared to fucking death to date now. I really am. I am not dating ever again because I am scared to now. and that ius the short version of that story. If their are any fucking mature, responsible, honest chicks out there that dont use drugs or drink socially and at least want to be friends... let me know. please. Honestly. I am lonely. I havent hung out with Christ Shelton in months and havent even talked to Money in months and I miss them terribly. Without Christine... i have no more friends. I am sooo fed up.
I almost went to the hospital last night. Wait, who am i evewn talking to?
I am glad i didnt go to the hospital... i worded that wrong. I needed to go and i survived. I did well. Granted I was scared as fuck to leave the mall because I was having the worste anxiety attack ever, but I did it. I let my roomate, maggie, know what was going on with me because she hppened to be working next door and she talked to me. Then I had the other Maggie, my co-worker, drive my van home for me while I drove her car to my house. I went to bed and i feel better. I honestly didnt think I was going to make it. Either I was going to try and off myself or I was going to end up missing weeks of work while being in the hospital. I think buying the van is what set me over. I felt like it was a total irrational thing to do. But now that I am better... i realize it wasnt. I only spent 750$ on it and it is in great condition. The only thing is that it has very bad gas milage. But for a temporary vehicle to get to work and back for a while, it is fine. I still have anxiety only because I need to register it and insure it and I am now broke. But that is every day stuff. Now If I can just finish up that process and also get over Christine and girls iun general, I will be good to go again... OH and get caught up on my bills now. Money is going to be tight only for a little bit.
I really do miss Kristy though. I have began to regret getting closer to her when she was still here and before she went to college. But it was for the best. And I wish things worked out better with Adri. But I really dont think that the rare girls, like Adri, desrve someone like me. Man I am such a paranoid nut now. I coudltn believe the thoughts I had when I was "with" christine... actually... she gave me reason to be sketched out... and my assumptions, 99% of the time, turned out to be true. Soi dont know. Im still only 20. I have plenty of time to find someone who is honest. I really feel that is the number one thing I look for now. Honesty. I can get over what christie has been doing. We are ALL guilty of doing it, I can relatre to her and I can understand why she did it. But she wont fucking admit it. Instead she told me I am crazy and Needed to take my meds. She actually said that i shouldnt talk to her until I took my meds. I waited like 7 mins and texted her with "I liked you so much christine". She questioned the past tense part and I said "It doesnt matter because you obviously dont like me back and if yu did, you have a strange way of handling it". THEN!!! She texts me back trying to be the victem. She told me she needed her space and that i should talk to her late in person after she has some space. I dont know what to do. This can go both ways:
She will admit to it. I will say my shit and... i dont know after that
she will continue to deny it and say I am crazy. This will do WONDERS for my self esteem and I will continue to think I will never be able to date anyone because I am not sane enough for it and we will probably never talk again.
I know Im not "crazy" but I really act like it. I really do. i just cant help it. i dont trust anyone. get this:
She got trashed on her exes birthday the other day and slept with him. Then she tells me she is sorry and it was a mistake. HELLO!!! She knows how she is drunk. and she got drunk.with her ex.on his birthday. THAT SPELLS SKETCHY and she put herself in that position anyway. How can you be sorry? how is that a mistake? I know it would happen and she got pissed and told me to fuck off for assuming it... then she owned up to it later when i told her someone told me she did it.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Something warm to hold me,
billy