...and take my geodon
Today i talked to the uncle of a girl in my group therapy about a job. He claimed they didn't need anyone but i think he was lying. i think he saw a scrawny little man and didn't think i had what it takes for manual labor. He kept telling me it is a lot of work. Bastard. So that is that. i dropped off more resumes. Susan's son is going to find out about temporarily hiring me to help out on constructions sites. It may only be one day a week but i suppose it is better than nothing? i should really tell my landlord that i won't be able to pay rent. i have been putting it off. One of the therapists at outpatient put together a list of temp agencies in my area. 3 of them are off of Douglas. i need to fill out a prescription tomorrow. i need to put gas in the car. i know i say it a lot, but i am completely screwed. i'm going to kill myself. i don't know when, but it is going to happen within the next couple of months. It is extremely selfish of me to do, i know. i moved to California to better my life. i have failed. i have failed at life. i wasted it. i should have done well in high school and went to college. As Lon from outpatient would say, i am shoulding all over myself. Shoulda woulda coulda. i don't want to go to outpatient anymore. i give up on everything. i'm not going to find a job. i just dream about suicide all day while i am in outpatient.
Today i hung out with Rosy. We had sex and it was good. We came at the same time which is always nice. She likes to cuddle and the affection is very helpful. i need cuddles right now. i want to die in someone's arms but that would be a horrible thing to do to someone. Tomorrow i am going to watch Hesher with Erin O. i may ask her if she wants to cuddle but it may be too weird. i don't know. i just want death to be honest. It's all i can think about. i wish hanging yourself was as easy as the movies make it seem. i don't know how prisoners do it. i have tried multiple times and it is painful and doesn't seem to even work. Perhaps i am just doing it wrong. i don't know. i need to go.
Today i hung out with Rosy. We had sex and it was good. We came at the same time which is always nice. She likes to cuddle and the affection is very helpful. i need cuddles right now. i want to die in someone's arms but that would be a horrible thing to do to someone. Tomorrow i am going to watch Hesher with Erin O. i may ask her if she wants to cuddle but it may be too weird. i don't know. i just want death to be honest. It's all i can think about. i wish hanging yourself was as easy as the movies make it seem. i don't know how prisoners do it. i have tried multiple times and it is painful and doesn't seem to even work. Perhaps i am just doing it wrong. i don't know. i need to go.