2024 et cetera et al
i don't know what much else to write these days. LJ was real cool back in the day, if anyone reading this remembers.
here's what i just updated on my profile:
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Update: November 19, 2024:
I'm 43 and no longer a student, nor a doctor, nor a licensed anything. I'm at least registered with my 200-hour yoga teacher certification (2017-2018).
I've been living alone since late 2019.
I had brain surgery this year. Many people helped me, and that has been nice.
J and I worked through paperwork to move from separation to divorce. That's still processing, as of today, but it's not like he'll dismiss it or anything. I was (and continue to) hope that our separation would be more of living apart but still being in each others' lives. That seems to be something he would not prefer, because he's stubborn, but I will always continue to hope he'll someday again feel the way about me that I feel about him.
I'm working very hard on many projects, mostly healthcare.
No matter what happens to me in the future - getting my doctorate, getting my PhD, opening the research center, becoming an author, traveling nationally to speak publicly, et cetera - it may have good effects on me and many others, but the shine will be off of everything without J in my life. As he said, "I'll continue on, but I'll merely exist."
My heart hurts every day, and not just due to the craniotomy recovery challenges.
At least Pris, Loki, and Mocha are here with me.
I still miss Brak.
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in general, here's what's going on with me now....
uh, i got expelled out of grad school with nothing left to do other than treat my last 140 patients as a senior intern. that was in dec 2023.
brak passed away in august of 2018 which ........no words for. lots of giant changes tend to happen to me right around august 20th, always. (oddly enough, walking down the grad ceremony aisle happened august 5th-ish of 2023, and that's part of why i'm real angry about expulsion but whatever. i still got a tassle and am on video walking down that aisle and then just blah. long story.
j and i started up with a separation in 2018, filed officially in nov 2019.
2020.........covid.
lost my financial aid, my job, my career, my best friend slash husband, my everything in general is what it feels like.......yeah.
he wanted to move it from separation to full divorce in march of this year.
in august of this year 2024 i had a weird giant seizure which kicked me into the hospital where they said "hey you have a giant benign brain tumor taking up the left front third of your brain so we're gonna take that out." and then they did. via craniotomy. and that changed my entire life, pretty much making me into a completely different person (ish). i'm still recovering and it's nov 18th. recovery will go on for a long time, but i can't work any harder than i am. the "cognitive issues" have deeply opened all my feelings, emotions, challenges, abilities to read/write, all kinds of things. recovery there is MUCH harder than the physical recovery, and i really need to get a goddamn psychologist to respond to my phone calls and pretty please set me up with an appointment.
also, maybe more than zero xanax would get me some better sleep at least once per week.
i could go on about my current everything, doing a med billing/coding certification program all online, educational plans, craniotomy research center plans, all of that. but truly, so much of it so often feels like without my other half it has lost so much of its meaning and shine.
i'll move forward with all my goals and plans, and do my best at doing my best, and still enjoy the successes and helping people. but the gas in this engine sure doesn't go as far per mile or whatever metaphor you want to use.
maybe i'm just a ghost these days, getting to survive surgery and two suicidal almost-plans over the last year, which means HEY THIS IS MY OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP BEING GREAT IN MANY WAYS, but i'll tell you........ without him, as he said, "I'll continue on, but I'll merely ...exist."
ditto over here, love. absofuckinglutely ditto.
long day/month/year. please have a better time of it than i am.