(no subject)
ditto, still. probably always.
bruh, i don't even know if any html will work on here, so i'll just copy-pasta the words from that one into this one, below here.
- - -
finally received the check for the settlement. it was the largest check i've ever received - actually, the largest amount of money i've ever received at a single time. it caught me off guard and put me into shock, even knowing ahead of time how much it would be for.
i started to tear up in front of the bank manager but managed to hold it together until getting into the car, where i sobbed until almost vomiting. then i went and had a lot of sushi.
i stayed in a weird state of shock for about a day. maybe longer.
part of it, i think, was the memo and memo line: "ex spouse"; "j___ _ _____, a single man, unmarried". seeing that hit me hard in the gut and i still can't process it. so i'm not: it feels like my mind is burying that particular visual.
other than finally getting caught up on bills, getting a bit of new furniture + some self pampering, there's no real excitement or joy.
even those things aren't necessarily cause for celebration, just a sort of flat relief. actually more of an awareness of the final ceasing of continual stress; not that nice draining feeling that comes with relief.
my offer to him still stands. i hate every day without him, and i want to try being Us, but in a new, separate way. a way where we don't live together but still have [with each other] contact, communication, friendship, dating, and whatever else may come of that. (as of 11/19/24, it still stands.)
it's been two weeks since i last saw him, before that it was early december, before that it was september 15. the last day.
i miss him beyond words and want-need his hug right now more than anything.
if i don't keep myself continually busy, the darkness closes in. drinking less now though; same with the xanax. i'm working toward automating my monthly expenses and have really withdrawn into my study cave. the off/on unexpected crying is very draining.
if i pick my head up from this new one-foot-in-front-of-the-other life, there is nothing showing on the horizon that looks good, or peaceful, or joyful. it's grey and terrifying. even the calmer moments i had this week, the relaxing ones that should have cheered me up, were just empty underneath it all.
i'll get through school; move forward to some kind of success, but the Me that gets there will just be going through the motions.
i'll never stop hoping, praying, putting out the energy and vibes, but i'm empty; broken - i don't want to keep waking up to this long grey stretch.
i'm really not Me without Him, no matter how well i do at everything else.