*whimper*

Sep 28, 2005 10:11

god, i just feel rotten right now. i'm extra depressed due to having the painters in, plus i don't think that med increase is helping any. i've felt worse since i started it, and now i can't sleep through the night, and i'm tired all day.

last night i saw scotti, for the first time in a couple of months, on accident, in target. we talked for half a second, about her, and then she just had to run. whatever. it just really depressed me because i could take our friendship being over if it just stopped and we never talked again, but it hurts so much more to know it's dead and have the ghost come back and not realize that it is no more. it really hurts. it just drove it home that that friendship is pretty much done for.

then i called amber to tell her about it, because i felt like i was going to cry all over the place and i needed to share it with the one person who ever understands...and i kind of got the feeling that i'm losing her too. it's probably just me being all gross in the head recently, but i just feel so far from her, and that hurts even more than the scotti thing. scotti, i can live without.

i'm at school. i was finally going to finish this essay that's about a week late, but now the computer won't read my file. DAMMIT! i could probably just copy and paste it to my email, then - no, wait, the computer can't even open it! i may not go to class again today. no, i'll go, and talk to her after; she deserves an explanation. i don't know how much of the truth she'll get...probably a lot, because i respect her.

hell, maybe i'm just losing myself again. or i never recovered after the last time.

this is getting out of control. maybe the combo of BC and my other meds will tone down my brain and my hormones and i'll be okay. hopefully, because i'm tired of not being okay.

i really wish i could just stop all the world, or at least stop myself and have the world understand. the thing is, the world won't understand if i drop ot of school for a while to get my brain together, and i can't just not do things...but it's all getting to be too much again; i'm burning out again. maybe if my light wasn't so fragile...

last night i walked in the cold and the dark, and i was alone. it felt appropriate. i wanted to cry, but couldn't bring myself to do it. i felt so lost, even though i was following a path i'd been down so many times.i felt alone, even though there were people everywhere. i was cold - hell, it was cold, and i didn't have a jacket, so, yeah. but - oh, i don't know.

i just want to lie around and read until i lose myself in the story and forget that i'm real.

i need to stop saying depressing things; i'm just perpetuating my mood, and spreading it like the plague. sorry, to those who feel bad after this.

sardonically yours,
mel

scotti, school, depression, amber

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