well
stuff. yup, stuff. i don't know. everything seems to go crazy in my head just about every two weeks, on friday. for the last couple of months, on the aforementioned day, my brain has broken, and i've had to call off some kind of plan, like a class or two, or work. i really don't understamd what is wrong with me, or why it keeps on with such a frightening regularity. should it be more reassuring because it is a regular thing that i can almost rely on, and could probabl plan around? or should i just be scared out of my wits that i have mini-breakdowns so bloody often?
so, the trip to irvine is off. at least for me. my mother says it's inappropriate. she even just told me that she never spent the night with my dad until after she moved out of her mom's house - although a piece of my brain is saying that - well, never mind. there's no point. she says she can't believe that i don't feel, "in [my] heart," that staying one night in a hotel with my boyfriend would be inappropriate.
i think i'll not sweat it too hard (minus how horrible i feel because ramil and i really wanted to do something out-of-the-ordinary together), except to maybe chalk it up to how differently i think from other people. i'd think i was out of my mind if i was going away for a week during school and skipping out in work, and not telling anyone where i was, and just going so i could have sex for seven days straight - but that's not what this is. we want to go to an event that's just far enough away that it would be safer to stay overnight and come home the next day.
ramil really wants to go to this, and i think he really wanted me to go too. i just asked him if there was a way we coud come home saturday...he'll probably get exasperated and say no. well, i hope he doesn't decide not to go just because of me. he could take someone else; he has a couple of friends that are really into cars too...
grr. why can't my brain work like other people's do? lots of times i can't understand reasoning by other people, and many times what i do makes no sense to someone else. it makes for sad misunderstandings on my part.
speaking of that, ramil was saying that i just concentrate on being sad; that i'm sad because i'm sad, which just perpetuates the feeling. i don't try to do that, but i get into that spiral where i can only see the bad part of everything...he thinks i don't try to solve anything or get past anything. i think my mom thinks that about me too. it made me cry earlier (for like an hour) because i feel like i do try, and that someone thinks that i don't is proof that i'm doing something wrong; that i'm tryin the wrong thing or the wrong way.
i don't know. i just feel bad all the time now, and i don't what to do with those emotions, or myself in general. i cry a lot. and i'm desperately lonely sometimes. hell, i'm crying now thinking about it. ramil was saying that i focus on the bad stuff to the exclusion of anything good that may be hanging around, which is true sometimes. it just feels like i should be allowed to enjoy anything while there's still something wrong. it makes the wrong thing seem so much more wrong if i try to focus on something good.
dammit.
i can't go on. i have to go.
so, the trip to irvine is off. at least for me. my mother says it's inappropriate. she even just told me that she never spent the night with my dad until after she moved out of her mom's house - although a piece of my brain is saying that - well, never mind. there's no point. she says she can't believe that i don't feel, "in [my] heart," that staying one night in a hotel with my boyfriend would be inappropriate.
i think i'll not sweat it too hard (minus how horrible i feel because ramil and i really wanted to do something out-of-the-ordinary together), except to maybe chalk it up to how differently i think from other people. i'd think i was out of my mind if i was going away for a week during school and skipping out in work, and not telling anyone where i was, and just going so i could have sex for seven days straight - but that's not what this is. we want to go to an event that's just far enough away that it would be safer to stay overnight and come home the next day.
ramil really wants to go to this, and i think he really wanted me to go too. i just asked him if there was a way we coud come home saturday...he'll probably get exasperated and say no. well, i hope he doesn't decide not to go just because of me. he could take someone else; he has a couple of friends that are really into cars too...
grr. why can't my brain work like other people's do? lots of times i can't understand reasoning by other people, and many times what i do makes no sense to someone else. it makes for sad misunderstandings on my part.
speaking of that, ramil was saying that i just concentrate on being sad; that i'm sad because i'm sad, which just perpetuates the feeling. i don't try to do that, but i get into that spiral where i can only see the bad part of everything...he thinks i don't try to solve anything or get past anything. i think my mom thinks that about me too. it made me cry earlier (for like an hour) because i feel like i do try, and that someone thinks that i don't is proof that i'm doing something wrong; that i'm tryin the wrong thing or the wrong way.
i don't know. i just feel bad all the time now, and i don't what to do with those emotions, or myself in general. i cry a lot. and i'm desperately lonely sometimes. hell, i'm crying now thinking about it. ramil was saying that i focus on the bad stuff to the exclusion of anything good that may be hanging around, which is true sometimes. it just feels like i should be allowed to enjoy anything while there's still something wrong. it makes the wrong thing seem so much more wrong if i try to focus on something good.
dammit.
i can't go on. i have to go.