. . .and then it happened.
Driving home today my mom picks up her ringing cell phone. It was my grandpa politely letting my mom know that the cancer that he was been so diligently battling for almost two years now has finally spread to his brain. Being almost eighty years old it would be senseless to continue treatment of the cancer and for some reason this death sentence can't make me feel sad. It really can't make me feel anything but numb.
This is not a recent phenomenon. I am numb to this world and it's many horrors and joys. I've tried to pinpoint the moment in time that this started happening to me, but it's futile. It's futile and I hate it. I can't feel true excitement anymore, I can barely feel sadness, I have a hard time feeling love and even pain sometimes. Although true affection and pain are the only two things I really feel and sometimes fear. It's strange how fear is almost my solace now, just to know I can feel. I want to feel sad, that's really all I want.
There is one thing I must do, though. I need to become an Eagle Scout before my grandfather dies. This I must do.
This is not a recent phenomenon. I am numb to this world and it's many horrors and joys. I've tried to pinpoint the moment in time that this started happening to me, but it's futile. It's futile and I hate it. I can't feel true excitement anymore, I can barely feel sadness, I have a hard time feeling love and even pain sometimes. Although true affection and pain are the only two things I really feel and sometimes fear. It's strange how fear is almost my solace now, just to know I can feel. I want to feel sad, that's really all I want.
There is one thing I must do, though. I need to become an Eagle Scout before my grandfather dies. This I must do.