I am Letting it all out
It is currently 9:49 in the morning, and I should have been asleep hours ago. However I have tried to sleep three times and I cannot turn my mind off enough just to relax allow my exhausted body just escape this horribly rushed reality and just dream, energize and sleep. My head is throbbing, my eyes are blurred, and I feel like I have not accomplished anything this week.
So I am just going to let out all of the million things in my head.
I am trying to work on my books in some kind of order and yet my mind is completely drama and chaotic so why I am forcing myself on stuff that is not coming out? (There is another of the “Why” questions again. . .)
The thing is I thought I would be able to work on it at my mom's house over the week, but everytime I look at chapter 2 and chapter 3 and my brain just stops. I wanted to work on this other part of my series, but it just has happened yet. Now to mention I won't be workingon any of it next week, because I won't have time between making cookies and working with my brothers on my dragon story.
I want to my Tarot cards to tell me something, but I feel I am forcing too much on my cards that I haven't worked constantly with in a while. I am also afraid of what they are going to tell as they have been extremely accurate in the past.
I created a Hanson survey by fans for fans, but it took me took pull teeth just to get fans to tell me their questions, but once I had the survey they all came out of the woodwork to fill it out. . . then they complained: the questions repeated; the survey is too long. I bust my ass on something that many the fans could do and show the band “this is what we think. . . “ I thought I was being creative, innovative, and helpful. I just feel helpless and frustrated.
I am so freakin’ addicted to Facebook: Yoville is really yesterday’s new. Vampire Wars want to do everything while I have to not be home for many days in a row: grrrr: a 20 day mission in which I will probably missing at least 10 days of. I love to play scramble, find flair that shows off my personality, and Petville. Facebook and myspace are both just horrible distractions I need to get away from those programs and get some physical friends to actually do something with. http://www.facebook.com/msmusicalbecky
I still have not really grieved/mourned over my grandma Pat’s death. I mean we cried in the hospital a little bit, but I am still in a numbing robot mode . . . the problem with the robot mode: I cannot feel that positive either.
I am more worried about money issues that I am really allowing myself to grieve. I mean we (my mom, uncle, and brother) are alive and we are left her bills and debts; we need to figure the money thing out, before I can focus on my chaotic emotions.
Tuesday to Friday, I visited my mom, my uncle and brother and as Tom and I were taking the bus to get there we heard that our local bussing system is supposed to stop as of January 1, 2010. First of all, they threaten this last year and in August of 2009. I am not sure what to really believe however as I research it in the news, many of the local papers have the story, and this just really fired me up.
Our local government is trying to get rid of our public transportation system saying that is not a necessity to our community. However if they get rid of the damn buses on Jan 1st . . . many people will be out of their jobs, and many stores and malls will close as the bus system drops off at least 55% of the shoppers.
The commissioners and Mayors are claiming they sympathize, but they all drive their 50,000 dollar or 100,000 dollar cars as they come back from their 250,000 dollars homes. Government officials cannot relate to the common people who worry day after day, as they playing the bill shuffle, whether or not their job is in jeopardy. Many people’s jobs are now in jeopardy because they cannot get to work, because our government officials don’t feel the buses are “necessity.” I hope people get sick and die . . . May it be on the corrupted official’s souls.
I have said in another blog that I have a fear of driving. I panic behind the wheel, and I rely on the busses very often. Read this blog for more about my fear . . . . http://rebekah1213.livejournal.com/60273.html
Anyway, I am just so sick of them saying things like we can’t afford not to have busses, but the truth it if they get rid of the busing I can almost guarantee that there will be even more crime in Lorain County and 90% of the damned county will turn into a huge ghost town, because business will go out faster and people will be moving out of it. Then Cuyahoga County will become even more over populated than before, because more people will try to move in there just to be near jobs. (They don’t even have that many jobs there anymore either.) it is really a horrible domino effect and these government officials just do not see that.
I understand that busses cost money for gas, and upkeep, but they could raise the price of the ticket, and have cameras on the buses so that kids can’t slip the damn tickets back in their sleeves. (I have caught two kids doing that myself, and I made them put the tickets back in the container.)
Maybe they can charge $2.75 or an even $3.00 or even have a 5.50 all day pass . . . it is still cheaper to do ride the bus on some days that it is to owe your car.
Here are some of the articles I have found about the LCT (Lorain County Transit) http://www.morningjournal.com/articles/2009/12/03/news/mj1973318.txt
http://blog.cleveland.com/thesun/2009/12/county_public_transportaion_cu.html
http://www.morningjournal.com/articles/2009/12/04/news/mj1979957.txt
http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2009/12/02/county-kills-transit-routes/
It drives me crazy as I know I have something called S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder also know as Winter Blues) which I get depressed and isolated with the winter weather. I get Cabin Fever really fast and I panic more and I act out and freak out more. The thing is the busses are my sanity and I just hope they get this government fund or grant so they can keep them, because I don’t think I can stay in the apartment for that long with out driving my boyfriend absolutely crazy.
They also say that S.A.D. can cause manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I will find some way to “legally” blame the county for this if we lose the buses, and I cannot get to a doctor about this condition when I need one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
Another thing that is in my head is that tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 27, but I feel like I am 57. I thought I would have a book published by now. I thought I would have traveled more. I thought at least one of my plans would work out. I have an Associate of Arts degree (which took 5 years off and on to get), but every job says I am either overqualified or under-qualified. Someone told me to go back to school, why should I do that if there is no guarantee that I will have job when I get out? Then I would just have wasted time, money and effort on nothing there.
Let’s not go there on how all of these thin girls get anything they want including jobs. I wouldn’t mind being a secretary, but last interview I went to, there were three other girls for interviews as well: one female same larger built that I was, she had her resume in a nice neat folder, and two other girls, both thin and in tight, revealing clothes and very short skirts. I went back a week later to see if they were still interviewing and one of those thin girls with tight skirt was working on the computer, having no idea what she was doing. I never walked in that eye doctor’s office again.
I guess I just wanted to be doing something already. . .
I am also bummed, because my birthday consists of me cooking dinner. I know my boyfriend and my mom are going to help me, but I am still bummed. I wanted to have a bunch of friends throwing me a huge party had some nice restaurant in their party room. Maybe I just am watching too many movies with that whole huge party scene. 90% of my friends are online, because I keep getting burned by the extremely dramatic bitches who call me their friends when they want something and drop me when they got what they wanted. I hate being so trusting and so generous. Actually most of real friends have cause me to be physically anti-social, but I don’t really want to me; I just don’t want to get hurt anymore either.
Actually the thing I wanted for my birthday I have wanted for three years now. . . I wanted to take my mom, my uncle, my grandma, my brother and my boyfriend out for a really nice country dinner at this restaurant called Sugar Creek. The first year I had saved my birthday from my mom and I was going to take everyone out, until my uncle blew all of the household’s grocery on lottery and I used my own money to pay for groceries. My mom was looking for a job last year and my uncle had lost his job last year so my birthday money went to paying the groceries again. . . both years I made my own cake.
This year we were going to out for my birthday in November to avoid the Christmas season taking over and my grandma got sick in October and died in November leaving all of the extra money we thought we had to extra debts and bills. I just wanted to share my day with one side of my family (the side that accepts me for who I am) and I can’t even do that. My birthday is another freakin’ day to me anymore.
Our budget is so tight that I made sure that everyone has something for Christmas (even though I haven’t done any shopping yet.) I keep telling myself I will get something in January, I just really want to the busses to be working so I can get out.
The weather has gotten colder faster this year so my S.A.D. has kicked in and I hate the fact that I am not even in the holiday mood. . . :-(
That is all that is in my head for the most part.
So I am just going to let out all of the million things in my head.
I am trying to work on my books in some kind of order and yet my mind is completely drama and chaotic so why I am forcing myself on stuff that is not coming out? (There is another of the “Why” questions again. . .)
The thing is I thought I would be able to work on it at my mom's house over the week, but everytime I look at chapter 2 and chapter 3 and my brain just stops. I wanted to work on this other part of my series, but it just has happened yet. Now to mention I won't be workingon any of it next week, because I won't have time between making cookies and working with my brothers on my dragon story.
I want to my Tarot cards to tell me something, but I feel I am forcing too much on my cards that I haven't worked constantly with in a while. I am also afraid of what they are going to tell as they have been extremely accurate in the past.
I created a Hanson survey by fans for fans, but it took me took pull teeth just to get fans to tell me their questions, but once I had the survey they all came out of the woodwork to fill it out. . . then they complained: the questions repeated; the survey is too long. I bust my ass on something that many the fans could do and show the band “this is what we think. . . “ I thought I was being creative, innovative, and helpful. I just feel helpless and frustrated.
I am so freakin’ addicted to Facebook: Yoville is really yesterday’s new. Vampire Wars want to do everything while I have to not be home for many days in a row: grrrr: a 20 day mission in which I will probably missing at least 10 days of. I love to play scramble, find flair that shows off my personality, and Petville. Facebook and myspace are both just horrible distractions I need to get away from those programs and get some physical friends to actually do something with. http://www.facebook.com/msmusicalbecky
I still have not really grieved/mourned over my grandma Pat’s death. I mean we cried in the hospital a little bit, but I am still in a numbing robot mode . . . the problem with the robot mode: I cannot feel that positive either.
I am more worried about money issues that I am really allowing myself to grieve. I mean we (my mom, uncle, and brother) are alive and we are left her bills and debts; we need to figure the money thing out, before I can focus on my chaotic emotions.
Tuesday to Friday, I visited my mom, my uncle and brother and as Tom and I were taking the bus to get there we heard that our local bussing system is supposed to stop as of January 1, 2010. First of all, they threaten this last year and in August of 2009. I am not sure what to really believe however as I research it in the news, many of the local papers have the story, and this just really fired me up.
Our local government is trying to get rid of our public transportation system saying that is not a necessity to our community. However if they get rid of the damn buses on Jan 1st . . . many people will be out of their jobs, and many stores and malls will close as the bus system drops off at least 55% of the shoppers.
The commissioners and Mayors are claiming they sympathize, but they all drive their 50,000 dollar or 100,000 dollar cars as they come back from their 250,000 dollars homes. Government officials cannot relate to the common people who worry day after day, as they playing the bill shuffle, whether or not their job is in jeopardy. Many people’s jobs are now in jeopardy because they cannot get to work, because our government officials don’t feel the buses are “necessity.” I hope people get sick and die . . . May it be on the corrupted official’s souls.
I have said in another blog that I have a fear of driving. I panic behind the wheel, and I rely on the busses very often. Read this blog for more about my fear . . . . http://rebekah1213.livejournal.com/60273.html
Anyway, I am just so sick of them saying things like we can’t afford not to have busses, but the truth it if they get rid of the busing I can almost guarantee that there will be even more crime in Lorain County and 90% of the damned county will turn into a huge ghost town, because business will go out faster and people will be moving out of it. Then Cuyahoga County will become even more over populated than before, because more people will try to move in there just to be near jobs. (They don’t even have that many jobs there anymore either.) it is really a horrible domino effect and these government officials just do not see that.
I understand that busses cost money for gas, and upkeep, but they could raise the price of the ticket, and have cameras on the buses so that kids can’t slip the damn tickets back in their sleeves. (I have caught two kids doing that myself, and I made them put the tickets back in the container.)
Maybe they can charge $2.75 or an even $3.00 or even have a 5.50 all day pass . . . it is still cheaper to do ride the bus on some days that it is to owe your car.
Here are some of the articles I have found about the LCT (Lorain County Transit) http://www.morningjournal.com/articles/2009/12/03/news/mj1973318.txt
http://blog.cleveland.com/thesun/2009/12/county_public_transportaion_cu.html
http://www.morningjournal.com/articles/2009/12/04/news/mj1979957.txt
http://chronicle.northcoastnow.com/2009/12/02/county-kills-transit-routes/
It drives me crazy as I know I have something called S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder also know as Winter Blues) which I get depressed and isolated with the winter weather. I get Cabin Fever really fast and I panic more and I act out and freak out more. The thing is the busses are my sanity and I just hope they get this government fund or grant so they can keep them, because I don’t think I can stay in the apartment for that long with out driving my boyfriend absolutely crazy.
They also say that S.A.D. can cause manic depression or bi-polar disorder. I will find some way to “legally” blame the county for this if we lose the buses, and I cannot get to a doctor about this condition when I need one. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seasonal_affective_disorder
Another thing that is in my head is that tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 27, but I feel like I am 57. I thought I would have a book published by now. I thought I would have traveled more. I thought at least one of my plans would work out. I have an Associate of Arts degree (which took 5 years off and on to get), but every job says I am either overqualified or under-qualified. Someone told me to go back to school, why should I do that if there is no guarantee that I will have job when I get out? Then I would just have wasted time, money and effort on nothing there.
Let’s not go there on how all of these thin girls get anything they want including jobs. I wouldn’t mind being a secretary, but last interview I went to, there were three other girls for interviews as well: one female same larger built that I was, she had her resume in a nice neat folder, and two other girls, both thin and in tight, revealing clothes and very short skirts. I went back a week later to see if they were still interviewing and one of those thin girls with tight skirt was working on the computer, having no idea what she was doing. I never walked in that eye doctor’s office again.
I guess I just wanted to be doing something already. . .
I am also bummed, because my birthday consists of me cooking dinner. I know my boyfriend and my mom are going to help me, but I am still bummed. I wanted to have a bunch of friends throwing me a huge party had some nice restaurant in their party room. Maybe I just am watching too many movies with that whole huge party scene. 90% of my friends are online, because I keep getting burned by the extremely dramatic bitches who call me their friends when they want something and drop me when they got what they wanted. I hate being so trusting and so generous. Actually most of real friends have cause me to be physically anti-social, but I don’t really want to me; I just don’t want to get hurt anymore either.
Actually the thing I wanted for my birthday I have wanted for three years now. . . I wanted to take my mom, my uncle, my grandma, my brother and my boyfriend out for a really nice country dinner at this restaurant called Sugar Creek. The first year I had saved my birthday from my mom and I was going to take everyone out, until my uncle blew all of the household’s grocery on lottery and I used my own money to pay for groceries. My mom was looking for a job last year and my uncle had lost his job last year so my birthday money went to paying the groceries again. . . both years I made my own cake.
This year we were going to out for my birthday in November to avoid the Christmas season taking over and my grandma got sick in October and died in November leaving all of the extra money we thought we had to extra debts and bills. I just wanted to share my day with one side of my family (the side that accepts me for who I am) and I can’t even do that. My birthday is another freakin’ day to me anymore.
Our budget is so tight that I made sure that everyone has something for Christmas (even though I haven’t done any shopping yet.) I keep telling myself I will get something in January, I just really want to the busses to be working so I can get out.
The weather has gotten colder faster this year so my S.A.D. has kicked in and I hate the fact that I am not even in the holiday mood. . . :-(
That is all that is in my head for the most part.