Antisocial
"Of course I knew! I have had my doubts ever since we became friends years ago! I mean look at you, Ramy: it explains everything about your behavior!"
That was one of the last sentences I have heard from my best friend few hours before having him disappear completely from my life. I have paid him a visit on my way to the army recruitment center in my beloved home town. I had planned to apologize to him about the harsh words I have said during our last on-line chat. Right then I tried coming out to him in an indirect way, so I told him that one of my best friends is gay and is currently living with the love of his life only to be attacked by him for having befriended a sinner and to have like hundreds of prophet's sayings repeated on my screen.
I only planned to apologize for not saying the truth. I thought I have already lost his friendship once I came to tell him that I would sacrifice it along with everything for what I believe in. That if he can't live with the fact that I befriend gays, then perhaps we should no longer be friends. I knew I owed him more explanation than just this. I can't let go years of sincere friendship for such a silly reason, he can't be left imagining that I so easily gave up on him for a couple of new friends in Cairo.
Yet, I had no chance of explaining once we sat alone. For he had his ideas already about this discussion; ideas and doubts confirmed by our last argument. He only wanted to hear it from me.
"I don't care what we said last time online, sincerely I just was so angry you would be involved in such a big problem as homosexuality and not even care to listen to your closest friend's opinion. Perhaps I could have advised you about it; told you how to quit it" he said
Right then, I could still escape and tell him that I am no longer friends with the couple he meant in his speech, I have already moved out of the city and have lost contact with almost 99% of my friends there. But I already was so tired of lying and wanted to let it out. I can't keep him anymore, we're never gonna be as close as we used to; that has already been lost by geography and more importantly by my decision to let him go, since I believed he can never handle my truth.
"And what do you advice me?" I asked, acknowledging for the first time the long-hidden truth indirectly.
The smile on his face said it all; he undertood my hidden confession, after all he knew me so well.
"So, it was you who we were talking about during our last chat, wasn't it?" he asked.
"Yes, it was me." I answered
"And the gay couple friends you talked about?"
"Completely imaginary"
"I thought so. I thought it is simply impossible that you would so strongly defend another person's cause! I understood it was all about defending yourself and not anybody else." he spoke triumphantly. "That's why I had to make more viscious accusations and state the full religious point of view" he continued, almost apologetically.
"And now, your doubts are finally confirmed" I answered calmly almost indifferent to his opinion about it. " you wanna me to say it out loud?"
"No, please don't" he answered, "we might be overheard here"
" So, what's your advice gonna be?"
"You already know it. I would have repeated it had you given any sign of wanting it! I feel you like what you are and you don't wanna change, so my advice is useless I am afraid"
"Well, you're right. I like who I am and I don't wanna change. Now, my friend, the ball is in your playground; you can have your say about it, either like me with it, or cut me off" I offered calmly still.
"I admit some time has passed on me when I couldn't stand the mere mention of your name, but after a while I found out that I can never hate you no matter how hard I tried." He answered after a thoughtful pause.
"Are you saying you're ok with it!?" I asked incredulously
"I have no other option it seems, I can't hate you. You are my number one friend in this world. Damn, I know you so well, I swear I can even guess what you're gonna say before you say it all" he answered
"You can't believe how happy I am to hear you say that!" I was heavy with gratitude. "But how could you guess it!? and when?"
"I have known it ever since we became friends. Come on Ramy, look at you! it's all over your behavior and explains a great deal about your character" he answered.
"You mean I behave a little queen-ish and falming-ly sometimes!?"
"No, that's not what I meant. I was talking about your antisocial behavior. You deal with people violently sometimes and I have noticed it isn't your nature; obviously you are so bitter about something. I doubted it years ago yet my doubts were never confirmed until our last chat when I knew for sure you're gay" he explained
" I can't deny that I am very antisocial at times, I treat people as my enemies even when they don't know anything about my sexuality, I always think they will soon turn on me had they known. I was about to loose my mind until I came out to my mom..."
"What!? You didn't!?" he interrupted incredulously
"Yes, I did. I came out to mom and my brother"
"Wow! and how did they react to it?"
"Well, my brother jokes with me about it. mom is ok as well, we had some tough moment but we're ok currently" I answered curtly
"Hmm, but I bet you must know your mother is so sad about it! even if she claims to be ok, she must be having the hardest time coping with such a fact, you know religion doesn't leave much space for it" he opposed
"You're right once more. My mother has her objections but she still loves me. True she wouldn't be able to handle it here in Egypt with all social pressure of our traditional culture, but I am sure if I am happily married abroad, she would love to pay me a visit."
Another pause.
"So... I am a little curious, Ramy; since there are no real couple-friends.... I was wondering. ... Ahh... Is this gay thing just theoritical fantasies in your mind or ... did you put them to practice!?"
I was shocked by the fast change of subjects that I took few moments to reply his question with another, " Are you asking me about sex!?"
"I guess I am" he answered
"Man, you know where I live these days....."
But I couldn't finish my story, for the rest of our brief encounter, his sister's fiance came to join our discussion, he was staying there for the day and I had to leave with an unfinished story"
"Keep in touch" he said as he showed me out of the house
"I will" I answered.
And it's been a month of me trying to be in touch to no avail. Not once was one of my dozens of calls been answered nor was one of my messages!