The story behind my Egyptian Stories: The beginning.
The continuity of that blog is somehow confusing!
I remember that I started blogging in 2007 in March, to be exact. Right then I didn't mean to share as much as I have done. Told myself that it will be just a hobby in my spare time. It was the first time I ever knew the concept of having a blog and I was so excited, I love writing as much as I enjoy reading. So, I figured: what the hell! I am just gonna write about Egypt, its history and modern day life and I knew I had tons of stories to tell. I even chose to name my blog "Egyptian Stories".
However, it was the first story that I chose to tell that foresaw the exact direction the blog is gonna take. My first entry on this page - now deleted for a long while - was simply titles Gay Egypt and there I discussed the challenges gay individuals face in Egypt and referred to the infamous Cairo 52 incident. Still I didn't refer to my sexuality being the reason why I wrote the article; back then, I wanted to be careful and keep my life as personal as possible. It seemed much better to leave the article there claiming that it was written merely by a human rights' activist, nothing more.
My second entry was fashioned on one of Mohamed Moneir's most famous songs. It's title translates to (Public homes or public houses). In that entry I designed an ID card to introduce myself to the world using my very first user-picture - which was a face picture of mine not so different from the one I currently use except that I still had that acne problem right then! - and following the lyrics of the song for the info section as follows: A human being for the name, the good people of Egypt for parents, struggling and learning for occupation, Life Public school for place of work and most dramatically: "The school opens into a public street which in turn opens in my heart" for address.
There was no problem at all in using a face picture on the blog when I had never shared any potentially risky information. In fact I received lots of compliments for the way I looked that I decided to keep it there. It could have been the very first personal element I used in the blog. I was and still am blogging under the name Ramses!
While making my third entry, I kept in mind the primary reason why I started blogging - or at least what I believed it to be - and made a long entry about a possible conspiracy weaved by the Priest Aye and Hor Moheb on the young pharaoh Tut Ankh Amun.
And from there on, I made more enteries with personal elements; those either contained some info about me or some pictures of me visiting some historic place in Cairo ..etc). As time went by, I felt more inclined to write more and more about me and not about general subjects that one can read in any other web site. After all, this was my journal.
Anyway, few month later, I had already acknowledged that I am gay, written a real trivia in my profile and published the result of a tiny "paper-reading styled" research about HIV/AIDS in Egypt with specific reference to its psychological aspects on the Gay community as one of the risk groups which, by the way, was the same research I presented for my Psychiatry round in the university. During this long period, the blog was still somehow unknown and only my friends here would comment on its entries.
I liked it that way; having that tiny little space of my own where I can be free to talk about the true me, no fear no expectations nor goals. For a long while, I thought I was just being myself, enjoying the virtual liberty of the internet but deep inside, the biggest motivation behind my entries had always been the strongest desire to exist! to express that I do exist and to prove to the whole world that I exist.
Only one idea started to form in the back of my head. An idea I was being reminded of every now and then by means of a complementing comment from an enthusiast reader: Am I unique??
The idea haunted me for days. It was kind of tormenting to think then that I am one of a kind! Of course I knew there are lots of gay guys in Egypt - otherwise I must have been imagining the dozens that I met through the internet! - But does anyone of them have the same ideas as me, did any of them talk about himself like I do?
The answer didn't delay, by accident a comment was posted on the HIV/AIDS entry I made, it was from another gay blogger who praised me for my courage also stated how much he liked my writing-style and left a link to his own blog where he has been used to writing about his life obviously some years before I had the idea along with poetry and short stories. His, au contraire, was more cautious blog in terms of sharing info: the whole blog was on certain Dutch site unaccessible through search engines and even if one reached it, there wasn't really much to tell about his identity from his blog unlike my insolent gesture of exposing my face on mine.
Perhaps that's why he was very disturbed and surprised why would I do such a thing and advised me strongly to consider removing my face picture and delete some of the entries that he saw as "Highly exposing". We then had a chat on messenger and by coinsidence he turned out to be a physician as well. I remember disapproving strongly to his opinion that a doctor's private life should always remain a secret so as to be always respected by his patients, otherwise, he's not worth of their respect nor of treating them - if he was the one to share his life details in public. (as in my case, of course!)
We lost contact soon - Long story short; I was interested but he was involved - only to reconnect once more and this time, it went way way too wrong to keep in touch. (Why? Check the entry titled: All for a date!)
Frankly, I paid little attention to his advice - regardless of my two real encounters with him - because I thought so lightly of anyone caring as much as to read my English articles not to mention reporting them to another authority who would care enough to read not to mention once more to investigate who did write them! Like Le comte de monte-cristo; I believed Ignorance to be my best ally in my chateau d'if!
Life wasn't so kind by the beginning of 2008: I was feeling more and more lonely three years after moving to Cairo with my family, I had no new friends because I lived so far away from anywhere and my new city was like a big saharan exile. I didn't have much luck with guys as well, Egyptians kind of considered me an average boy and foreigners who seemed to enjoy my company were rare to find ( well, at least young foreigners were rare!). And as a result, I made more entries on my blog. I had no other window to breath nor a place to air my chest other than here. I even left links to my blog in every profile I had then on different gay social networks which, by the way, contained photo pictures of me. All of them did for the same reason "Ignorance is my friend".
As a result of the increasing number of entries side by side with growing exosure, mainly to gay men who'd click the link in my profiles. I had more and more warnings that I might be stepping into a big trap, that I am offering myself to the Egyptian authorities so easily. These warnings were sent both from Egyptian and foreingers who couldn't believe someone had the gall to do what I am doing.
I grew more and more weary of my new hobby and considered asking for legal advice from Livejournal team, I asked them if my journal could be classified unter any act of freedom of expression also if it would be classified as protected material due to authorship. The respose came next day that although the posted material can be classified under a US act of freedom, this isn't immunity for the author especially that I am living in Egypt, also that authorship won't be of any use to my defense. In short, their reply was that I am on my own, Livejournal is sorry they can't provide any help regarding my blog and they advised me to keep my entries locked except to my friends.
The idea of locking my blog's entries and limit it only to small circle of pen-friends from other areas in the world was actually more than I could withstand. It felt like I was being told to cease existing or breathing after a year of freedom. I decided to keep the blog open but on the same time, to remove the face picture and trivia section which, by that time, contained my real name!
Also turned out that sharing the blog's link on my profiles wasn't much of a good idea either; the majority hated the guts of me for writing it, it got the liking of a minority who were most foreigners but most importantly, I had to answer dozens of why (s) waiting for an asnwer that I could no longer take it. Everyone theorized his own way, some said he's suicidally depressed, others asked me if someone I loved before broke my heart ....etc). Their theories were different but they all didn't hesitate to disbelief my "nonsense" about existing, freedom and airing a burdened chest.
Things were turning from bad to worse with the university, new place, guys and most importantly money. In 2008 my family had a strong financial blow and only four of us had to stick together - me, my older brother, mom and dad - to survive this hard time, my other brother who mainly caused it and my sister didn't feel obligated to stick with us after the engagement of the former and the marriage of the later, I had to sell even my cell phone then to pay the rent (don't worry, currently we have survived it, and we are actually doing great!) and I reacted with anger.
Know this for sure, I am not the type of men to sulk and die nor am I the man to kill himself. I love life enough to fight for it. So instead of becoming depressed, I boiled in anger and poured it on my society and god in general. Anger soon became the motor generating all my actions, I was so furious all the time that a trivial incident with a colleague or at home was enough to set my anger on an unstopable outrageous fit. I didn't care to have any social life or any soial activity and considered everyone in Egypt an enemy to be had he/she knew who I really am. Even the music I loved most to listen to that year had to be as dark as my mood; I think I made an entry about feeling like the Phantom of the Opera!
Yes, times were hard then.
Anyway, amid this turmoil of a life, my blog was both a crucially important let out and a constant fear. Although I was sure no one would care enough to read it, there was no guarantee that it can be investigated and that I can be arrested for it if Egypt's authorities were seeking a cover for their usual fuck up policies. I even wasn't just focused on the gay issue or my life, instead I expressed my people's anger about their government in more than a dozen articles, wrote about my passion for peace and more than once accused our politicians of corruption. I was the best candidate for a long public trial with some good degree of media coverage, could have made such a reality TV scandal! Thanks to ignorance, nobody cared LOL
I was even once interviewed by a Spanish Journalist - via email - but it wasn't published and probably will never be! You see, as angry as I have been, my answers to a small list of questions - that I probably have answered like a hundred times before in the unstopping arguments - came in four long messages! I don't even recall what I wrote but it must have made that journalist doubt my sanity (lol) and feel so creepy; the only thing I remember saying was that blogs won't change anything in the Egyptian gay case and the reason is that we're so afraid of god to go out and really stand out for our cause.
Oh and yes, I remembered now that I had never posted anything about me actually meeting any guys, that part of my life I kept secret. It was an intelligent thing to do by the way, to say I am gay but I am a monk! As silly as it seems, it was enough to save my life in a trial should I ever need!
The interview made me proud, afraid and sad all the same. I was proud that my voice reached far away, that a spanish journalist took interest in it - probably she was living in Cairo then - and afraid that my blog would be so exposed if it's used in a news article but also I was sad that the journalist's questions kind of made me feel like I stood out in a different category than all other bloggers; I shared more personal information, I wrote freely about my life and I did it with an exposed face which all makes me kind of....Yeah, unique. Well, whatever happened to it!
The rest of 2008 and the beginning of 2009 has been a period of uncertainty for my blog. Everyday I decided either to keep or delete it and the decision had to depend on a repetitive process of comparing the relief it brings to the fear and anexity it causes; at the end of the day, the blog survived but my entries weren't as much as they used to be. After all, nobody cared and my anger was starting to give way to a long phase of depression. I trully did believe no blog will change Egypt and started making plans of quitting the republic, I even tried to do that in 2009 and did consider dropping from Med school but dad and mom tried their best to convince me against it.
Yet, later in 2009, I was involved in a real life's soap opera! I can't fully explain what happened then because it is still dangerous to do so - even after the revolution! All I can say is that some gay man found his way to my blog and thought I am bold enough to help his desperate cause; he had just discovered an awful crime committed by a high society person - a gay man as well - with great connections to government officials. He begged me for help and I accepted after making sure he wasn't lying. I did my best and almost lost my life in the whole affair. Even today, when two years have passed, I still feel afraid should that man know that it was me who did him all that disturbance...
I wish I could explain more. I wish I could tell you what happened then! It is a point-making story that leaves no space for argument about Egypt's disperate need to legalize LGTB relationships. I wish I had more sense of security to tell that long story, to show people how hard it was to deliver a criminal to justice because our laws didn't protect us; to tell about those sleepless nights and dark days when I had to look behind me to make sure no one was following; to ask reasonable people in Egypt how could they permit such a thing to happen; to have the criminal free and pursuing those who demand justice be served upon him with the help of the Egyptian police in a complete stunning reverse of nature.
Alas, then I had no choice but to lock the blog and soon later, I deleted most of its entries.
I never felt more isolated; even justice and law enforcement were against me when I finally thought I was on their side! Gay guys hate the blog and ask all wrong questions, journalists interview and disappear, socially my life was almost doomed and I had even less luck with dating.
To be continued.