The prayer
There was a limit from the start had I only seen it. There were obstacles in the way that I didn't notice, the honey moon of acceptance is over. it was never complete.
My mother wants me to be happy but she can't imagine how happy will I be between a man's arms, she'd rather less masculine skeleton beside me in bed, longer hair and a pair of ample breasts.
Who could have guessed that development! quite a trick I have to say; for I knew her so much to be deceived by an acceptance speech that she released until the next round of negotiations start. I am not shocked at all, I guess this is kind of the natural reaction I expected from her, perhaps she was so shocked that her mind took a period to make its own maths.
It all began with happy news from my sister's side that made us all elated for several days, amid the cheerful atmosphere mom started praying for the next list of wishes: for all of us to stay healthy and in the best shape, for our conditions to improve, my older brother to marry and of course for the house to be filled with little grandchildren.
I won't lie and say that I don't know why I had to comment on that nice prayer: it did sting that no prayer was put for my future right there and I had to remind her of our deals -otherwise they could be forgotten.
"And for me to get my other half as well!" I added with a smile and she added a fevered amen to the modification before repeating it with slight modification of her own, "For me to get a wife"
It struck me then that we're gonna start another round of debates about my sexuality and I went so sour; time hasn't been treating me well these last few months and I couldn't bear it to loose the only shelter I had. I decided to go on and debate for my own interest.
"This will never happen, mother" I responded in a tone of finality. "You know that gay guys don't marry girls"
She must have been feeling uneasy about the whole discussion as evidenced by the deep breath she took before responding with a question to which, her tone indicated, she needed no answer. She wondered what kind of happiness will I get with a man making it sound incredible with her tone driving me mad.
"Mother - I interrupted impatiently- Our discussion about that topic is terminated. I have told you the truth, my intentions are very clear and I won't deny them for the world; by the time I am completely independent -Which will be next year- I will pursue a male partner and if I move somewhere in the west where gay marriage is an alternative, then you bet your last Pound that I will pursue that too if I had the right one... the right male one" I added in a matter-of-fact fashion.
A moment of awkward silence passed and each of us stared defiantly in the other's eyes. our conversation couldn't be completed because we were soon surrounded by the rest of the family who came to visit for the weekend.
Yet that night, when I went to bed, she came to wish me good night. She laid a kiss on my forehead and whispered "I am so sorry, please don't be upset. I didn't mean to"
Two days passed before we came to the subject once more. I couldn't wait to figure out what her apology stood for; was it genuine or just a white flag put on the aim of winning some more time to prepare for another raid.
Asking her what she meant with her apology came back with a request that I shouldn't be bothered with what she has to say next and to remain calm, two terms that as soon as I had consented for, she started spilling pained injured words; she couldn't sleep well since our last conversation and was thinking deeply about my destiny. yet no matter how hard she thinks, the result always had the same tormenting effect on her.
"Our religion is against it, our culture is against it. I want you to be happy" she pleaded
"And what if I told you that religion isn't against it, that even our culture isn't against it. would you accept it!?" I challenged
"I don't believe that. Religion bans it. had it been ok, it would have been allowed." She responded
"No mother, that's wrong. I know more than you to tell you that there's nothing bad with it. but that's hardly the point; I told you about it so that you would be happy for me. don't you care about my happiness? isn't your only wish to see me happy?" I replied
"Yes, I want you to be happy. That's why I want you to have a wife, this is the only way to be happy" she insisted
"No mother, I will never do that" I replied angrily "You know why, cause there is no way on earth I can be happy with a wife, that's my nature mother and I will never marry a girl. You aren't less smart than any mother in Europe who accepts her son's sexuality nor am I less worthy of happiness than any of my brothers."
"Then be happy as they are, that's the natural thing. I'd rather you be poor as beggar before you turn that way!" she responded stubbornly
"I can't believe how much I am gonna explain this to you! Being gay doesn't mean that I shall be a male prostitute mother. I am not gonna sell my body. It only means that I shall be happy like any decent citizen with a husband and normal life, you can see that allover the world in much better places..." I almost stormed
"Please lower your voice -she interrupted- well I have a question for you" added she "If you get a husband, who will be the man and who will be the woman in bed!?"
"Both of us will be men, mother!" I spoke out emphasizing on every world. "Now you answer my question: Did you ever ask my brother how he sleeps with his wife? did you ever ask that question to my sister?"
"I guess no - I went on not giving her a chance to respond- because this information is something that you shouldn't know, because it is very intimate. So why does it have to be me whom you ask how he's to sleep with his husband? Oh yeah, because I am different, isn't it?"
"No, that's not the reason. What is there to ask your brother or your sister about in their love life, it is perfect nature" she explained
"Well, you'd be "very surprised" as to know how many woman out there who takes her husband's temperature!" I exclaimed in sheer sarcasm.
"Well mother, My love life as well is a perfect nature, a nature as old as history; written and pictured on the walls of ancient tombs and temples of Egypt thousands of years BC before our religion even existed" I added gently after a pause.
"I don't care about that" was her answer.
"Then I am afraid we are at cross roads, mother. I wanted you to be happy for me, to meet my boyfriend and even to attend my wedding if ever will be one. But you just wanted me to change, to forget my nature and to marry a girl even if that is absolute torture to me" I concluded.
"I wanted you to be the best thing in the universe" she affected amid her deepest meditative sadness.
"And I am still the best thing in the universe if only you'd see me mother. but you won't, you know why? because it isn't my happiness you sought from being this best thing in the universe; it is your happiness: you wanted to be the mother of the best thing in the universe. just like medicine school, mother.; you wanted to be the mother of the first doctor in the family. you care so little as to me being happy with the career or not. and now, you want to force me into an arranged marriage just to pride in front of your sisters and say your son is the best thing in the universe even if everyday I fight with her and live miserably. Well I will solve it for you, I will leave forever mom, I will come back with a son only to show him to you just so you show it to everybody and enjoy your lie" I replied, my mood deeply disturbed by how sad she looked.
"I wanted your happiness all the time cause you're my son. you tell me, how will you get a son! an adoption" she snapped at me adding an obvious hint of sarcasm in the last words.
"Both adoption and from my flesh. I told you, I showed you those people in the west happily married to their beloved partners and having their beautiful kids mother, I told you about surrogacy, didn't I?"
"Well if you are renting a lady, you'd better marry one from the start" she responded still with the tinge of sarcasm on her tongue.
"No, mother. It's over; we shall not talk about this anymore. I decided long ago: if you put me in front of two choices between my family and my sexuality, I will leave because the second isn't a choice, it's my nature. So, I shall leave Egypt and you won't hear anymore news about my love life. I will spare you the pain of it. I knew from the start, I am a foreigner in Egypt. I no longer belong here, I shall move to my real home country where there will be so much people to understand and accept me and where I can only be truly happy." I concluded
Silence prevailed for a moment before she aimed her deadliest attack!
"Oh God! How proud I was of you!" she exclaimed, her voice breaking as she stood on the verge of an ocean of tears.
"Was!? you was proud of me!!? What you're no longer proud of me mother!?" I asked in sheer shock
"Not with this kind of news, son! not like that" she responded.
"How ungrateful of you to forget all that we have been to, what we achieved and what I had done, did and still do for you all. but that's fine too, this is our final talk about it...it's over, Promise you, this time, it's really over"
My mother wants me to be happy but she can't imagine how happy will I be between a man's arms, she'd rather less masculine skeleton beside me in bed, longer hair and a pair of ample breasts.
Who could have guessed that development! quite a trick I have to say; for I knew her so much to be deceived by an acceptance speech that she released until the next round of negotiations start. I am not shocked at all, I guess this is kind of the natural reaction I expected from her, perhaps she was so shocked that her mind took a period to make its own maths.
It all began with happy news from my sister's side that made us all elated for several days, amid the cheerful atmosphere mom started praying for the next list of wishes: for all of us to stay healthy and in the best shape, for our conditions to improve, my older brother to marry and of course for the house to be filled with little grandchildren.
I won't lie and say that I don't know why I had to comment on that nice prayer: it did sting that no prayer was put for my future right there and I had to remind her of our deals -otherwise they could be forgotten.
"And for me to get my other half as well!" I added with a smile and she added a fevered amen to the modification before repeating it with slight modification of her own, "For me to get a wife"
It struck me then that we're gonna start another round of debates about my sexuality and I went so sour; time hasn't been treating me well these last few months and I couldn't bear it to loose the only shelter I had. I decided to go on and debate for my own interest.
"This will never happen, mother" I responded in a tone of finality. "You know that gay guys don't marry girls"
She must have been feeling uneasy about the whole discussion as evidenced by the deep breath she took before responding with a question to which, her tone indicated, she needed no answer. She wondered what kind of happiness will I get with a man making it sound incredible with her tone driving me mad.
"Mother - I interrupted impatiently- Our discussion about that topic is terminated. I have told you the truth, my intentions are very clear and I won't deny them for the world; by the time I am completely independent -Which will be next year- I will pursue a male partner and if I move somewhere in the west where gay marriage is an alternative, then you bet your last Pound that I will pursue that too if I had the right one... the right male one" I added in a matter-of-fact fashion.
A moment of awkward silence passed and each of us stared defiantly in the other's eyes. our conversation couldn't be completed because we were soon surrounded by the rest of the family who came to visit for the weekend.
Yet that night, when I went to bed, she came to wish me good night. She laid a kiss on my forehead and whispered "I am so sorry, please don't be upset. I didn't mean to"
Two days passed before we came to the subject once more. I couldn't wait to figure out what her apology stood for; was it genuine or just a white flag put on the aim of winning some more time to prepare for another raid.
Asking her what she meant with her apology came back with a request that I shouldn't be bothered with what she has to say next and to remain calm, two terms that as soon as I had consented for, she started spilling pained injured words; she couldn't sleep well since our last conversation and was thinking deeply about my destiny. yet no matter how hard she thinks, the result always had the same tormenting effect on her.
"Our religion is against it, our culture is against it. I want you to be happy" she pleaded
"And what if I told you that religion isn't against it, that even our culture isn't against it. would you accept it!?" I challenged
"I don't believe that. Religion bans it. had it been ok, it would have been allowed." She responded
"No mother, that's wrong. I know more than you to tell you that there's nothing bad with it. but that's hardly the point; I told you about it so that you would be happy for me. don't you care about my happiness? isn't your only wish to see me happy?" I replied
"Yes, I want you to be happy. That's why I want you to have a wife, this is the only way to be happy" she insisted
"No mother, I will never do that" I replied angrily "You know why, cause there is no way on earth I can be happy with a wife, that's my nature mother and I will never marry a girl. You aren't less smart than any mother in Europe who accepts her son's sexuality nor am I less worthy of happiness than any of my brothers."
"Then be happy as they are, that's the natural thing. I'd rather you be poor as beggar before you turn that way!" she responded stubbornly
"I can't believe how much I am gonna explain this to you! Being gay doesn't mean that I shall be a male prostitute mother. I am not gonna sell my body. It only means that I shall be happy like any decent citizen with a husband and normal life, you can see that allover the world in much better places..." I almost stormed
"Please lower your voice -she interrupted- well I have a question for you" added she "If you get a husband, who will be the man and who will be the woman in bed!?"
"Both of us will be men, mother!" I spoke out emphasizing on every world. "Now you answer my question: Did you ever ask my brother how he sleeps with his wife? did you ever ask that question to my sister?"
"I guess no - I went on not giving her a chance to respond- because this information is something that you shouldn't know, because it is very intimate. So why does it have to be me whom you ask how he's to sleep with his husband? Oh yeah, because I am different, isn't it?"
"No, that's not the reason. What is there to ask your brother or your sister about in their love life, it is perfect nature" she explained
"Well, you'd be "very surprised" as to know how many woman out there who takes her husband's temperature!" I exclaimed in sheer sarcasm.
"Well mother, My love life as well is a perfect nature, a nature as old as history; written and pictured on the walls of ancient tombs and temples of Egypt thousands of years BC before our religion even existed" I added gently after a pause.
"I don't care about that" was her answer.
"Then I am afraid we are at cross roads, mother. I wanted you to be happy for me, to meet my boyfriend and even to attend my wedding if ever will be one. But you just wanted me to change, to forget my nature and to marry a girl even if that is absolute torture to me" I concluded.
"I wanted you to be the best thing in the universe" she affected amid her deepest meditative sadness.
"And I am still the best thing in the universe if only you'd see me mother. but you won't, you know why? because it isn't my happiness you sought from being this best thing in the universe; it is your happiness: you wanted to be the mother of the best thing in the universe. just like medicine school, mother.; you wanted to be the mother of the first doctor in the family. you care so little as to me being happy with the career or not. and now, you want to force me into an arranged marriage just to pride in front of your sisters and say your son is the best thing in the universe even if everyday I fight with her and live miserably. Well I will solve it for you, I will leave forever mom, I will come back with a son only to show him to you just so you show it to everybody and enjoy your lie" I replied, my mood deeply disturbed by how sad she looked.
"I wanted your happiness all the time cause you're my son. you tell me, how will you get a son! an adoption" she snapped at me adding an obvious hint of sarcasm in the last words.
"Both adoption and from my flesh. I told you, I showed you those people in the west happily married to their beloved partners and having their beautiful kids mother, I told you about surrogacy, didn't I?"
"Well if you are renting a lady, you'd better marry one from the start" she responded still with the tinge of sarcasm on her tongue.
"No, mother. It's over; we shall not talk about this anymore. I decided long ago: if you put me in front of two choices between my family and my sexuality, I will leave because the second isn't a choice, it's my nature. So, I shall leave Egypt and you won't hear anymore news about my love life. I will spare you the pain of it. I knew from the start, I am a foreigner in Egypt. I no longer belong here, I shall move to my real home country where there will be so much people to understand and accept me and where I can only be truly happy." I concluded
Silence prevailed for a moment before she aimed her deadliest attack!
"Oh God! How proud I was of you!" she exclaimed, her voice breaking as she stood on the verge of an ocean of tears.
"Was!? you was proud of me!!? What you're no longer proud of me mother!?" I asked in sheer shock
"Not with this kind of news, son! not like that" she responded.
"How ungrateful of you to forget all that we have been to, what we achieved and what I had done, did and still do for you all. but that's fine too, this is our final talk about it...it's over, Promise you, this time, it's really over"