You win.
I don't think I should bother blogging anymore, the only thing I got from here was headache. I love writing but that can be done somewhere in a word file in my computer. There is no pay back for whatever I am doing, no cause I am pursuing or any progress I am achieving, had that cause existed.
I ignored the rigid mentality of my people, tried to surround my self with a bubble of understanding and mental sanity, said Fuck you to the whole wrong traditions and mistaken religious beliefs and thought that I will really find happiness this way, turned out that I only succeeded in making myself more and more alien in the place I used to call home not even from general people -about whom I just couldn't care less, no offence - but even from my family, now that I have God itself as a barrier between me and my own mother.
I don't want to be back to my culture nor to feel accepted anymore; for so long I have despised this culture and counted its draw backs. I don't even want to date any one here anymore... The case is over.
I don't give a piece of stinkin shit who wins the elections, who becomes president or prime minister. I don't give a piece of shit if tomorrow Egypt passes a new law permitting gay marriage, even if that happened, I am 100% sure I can tour the whole nation searching for one man who is ready to marry -even if he was blind, dumb and deaf and lacks several limbs- and get back empty handed.
The problem was never about bloody Egypt, I was rejected by my straight friends and family only years after being so much rejected by gay men. even the most educated of which who can actually read my articles then chicken back to their little nests waiting for their mommy to nurse them.
So, What the hell am I doing here, I am not giving any body any hope! I am not changing laws in my country nor am I changing its way of life, traditions will always win and god will always be there to contradict my enlightened scientific words on the tongues of the most illiterate of people.
I am done with writing, with dating Egyptians, with my family and with my country. I am done with this life... at last it is the time to seek a change, a new life and get away with it.
You win! Yes, you, little chickens afraid from your mommy and daddy. You win your comfortable lives, your cars, your beloved fake life and the hundreds of men you will sleep with just until you are 70 years old paying money to little dolls to sleep with you, to fuck you just the same way you used to fuck when you were young.
Then you will lay on bed, your body stinking with sweat and your skin corrugated with the scars time inflicted, every crease counting for a failed relationship, every cell in your existence crying for a beloved one with whom you couldn't last: how could you last? how long will you last? 7 years!? 10 years? 20 years? thirty? or make that a full half century, staying together unrecognized by anyone else, unable to be a family or to raise a kid watching your colleagues get married get kids and their gets getting married and raising their own kids while you remain frozen in time where you started only getting older and uglier and more repulsive to each other until you break up and head back with great pain to the market, even one step behind where you were, to find out that no body wants you anymore, not the whole money on earth can beautify your ugly existence any more.
You will lay there, cold and shivering, not even feeling the hotness of the small toy boy besides you who's only thinking of the way he will be paid to divert his thoughts from your abomination. Thinking about your late families and the happy times of the past about your beloved man who now resides only in the darkest page of your memory books and say: What if!
What if you have gone out, what if you did things differently, what if you spent one little second thinking about what this crazy fool wrote on a blog once before. yet no matter how you think or weep, it will be too little too late.
Death will come in the due time, years after you had anticipated it. by that time you would have been praying for it for years as the only relief to your agony, but even that won't relief you! how can meeting god relief you if you believe that all your life you have been doing the one thing it hates the most!?
There shall be no relief for you, not on this earth nor up high in heaven. The best of your life is but the present, enjoy the ultra short fast period of youth, it will never come back and you shall weep for it so long in your cold beds, enjoy the fake love and appreciation of your friends, enjoy your amazing success and enjoy your temporary love nests built on a tree with no roots. Just enjoy.
I am done. I loose and you win. You have always known better and I was the fool. You tried to correct me and I wouldn't listen to you. I was suicidal, I was stupid, I was young and I was wrong. I wanted to have a family, I was desperate to be seen as who I am
I was just a foolish young boy desperate for a hug and you were the old wise ones who knew how to play the game. you win... You always win, not only with boys you fuck but also with a fake society you where you are idolized for everything that you are not.
I loose, too late for me to go back... Time to leave you all alone in your paradise and search for my own. I have to go on in my journey, my journey to hell and rejection; the only true feeling you would have got had anyone of your beloved circles knew of your little secret.
Adieu to Egypt, to causes, to your appreciation and to you your love, I don't need any of that.
You win.... I loose.
I ignored the rigid mentality of my people, tried to surround my self with a bubble of understanding and mental sanity, said Fuck you to the whole wrong traditions and mistaken religious beliefs and thought that I will really find happiness this way, turned out that I only succeeded in making myself more and more alien in the place I used to call home not even from general people -about whom I just couldn't care less, no offence - but even from my family, now that I have God itself as a barrier between me and my own mother.
I don't want to be back to my culture nor to feel accepted anymore; for so long I have despised this culture and counted its draw backs. I don't even want to date any one here anymore... The case is over.
I don't give a piece of stinkin shit who wins the elections, who becomes president or prime minister. I don't give a piece of shit if tomorrow Egypt passes a new law permitting gay marriage, even if that happened, I am 100% sure I can tour the whole nation searching for one man who is ready to marry -even if he was blind, dumb and deaf and lacks several limbs- and get back empty handed.
The problem was never about bloody Egypt, I was rejected by my straight friends and family only years after being so much rejected by gay men. even the most educated of which who can actually read my articles then chicken back to their little nests waiting for their mommy to nurse them.
So, What the hell am I doing here, I am not giving any body any hope! I am not changing laws in my country nor am I changing its way of life, traditions will always win and god will always be there to contradict my enlightened scientific words on the tongues of the most illiterate of people.
I am done with writing, with dating Egyptians, with my family and with my country. I am done with this life... at last it is the time to seek a change, a new life and get away with it.
You win! Yes, you, little chickens afraid from your mommy and daddy. You win your comfortable lives, your cars, your beloved fake life and the hundreds of men you will sleep with just until you are 70 years old paying money to little dolls to sleep with you, to fuck you just the same way you used to fuck when you were young.
Then you will lay on bed, your body stinking with sweat and your skin corrugated with the scars time inflicted, every crease counting for a failed relationship, every cell in your existence crying for a beloved one with whom you couldn't last: how could you last? how long will you last? 7 years!? 10 years? 20 years? thirty? or make that a full half century, staying together unrecognized by anyone else, unable to be a family or to raise a kid watching your colleagues get married get kids and their gets getting married and raising their own kids while you remain frozen in time where you started only getting older and uglier and more repulsive to each other until you break up and head back with great pain to the market, even one step behind where you were, to find out that no body wants you anymore, not the whole money on earth can beautify your ugly existence any more.
You will lay there, cold and shivering, not even feeling the hotness of the small toy boy besides you who's only thinking of the way he will be paid to divert his thoughts from your abomination. Thinking about your late families and the happy times of the past about your beloved man who now resides only in the darkest page of your memory books and say: What if!
What if you have gone out, what if you did things differently, what if you spent one little second thinking about what this crazy fool wrote on a blog once before. yet no matter how you think or weep, it will be too little too late.
Death will come in the due time, years after you had anticipated it. by that time you would have been praying for it for years as the only relief to your agony, but even that won't relief you! how can meeting god relief you if you believe that all your life you have been doing the one thing it hates the most!?
There shall be no relief for you, not on this earth nor up high in heaven. The best of your life is but the present, enjoy the ultra short fast period of youth, it will never come back and you shall weep for it so long in your cold beds, enjoy the fake love and appreciation of your friends, enjoy your amazing success and enjoy your temporary love nests built on a tree with no roots. Just enjoy.
I am done. I loose and you win. You have always known better and I was the fool. You tried to correct me and I wouldn't listen to you. I was suicidal, I was stupid, I was young and I was wrong. I wanted to have a family, I was desperate to be seen as who I am
I was just a foolish young boy desperate for a hug and you were the old wise ones who knew how to play the game. you win... You always win, not only with boys you fuck but also with a fake society you where you are idolized for everything that you are not.
I loose, too late for me to go back... Time to leave you all alone in your paradise and search for my own. I have to go on in my journey, my journey to hell and rejection; the only true feeling you would have got had anyone of your beloved circles knew of your little secret.
Adieu to Egypt, to causes, to your appreciation and to you your love, I don't need any of that.
You win.... I loose.