SCHLOCK N' AWE #4:HALF PINT O' TERROR ON THE PLANET OF THE APES!
RAGZ: My wife haz me watching "Little House On The Prairie" rerunz now...
GABBY: Oh you like it! Yer a softy at heart and I'm sure she's not twisting yer arm!
RAGZ: well...I do get a chuckle out of it. When I waz new to this world az a human child my mom would watch that show religiously. It never failed, she'd be in tearz after every episode, while my sisterz and I would be making fun of Charles and his waterworks. Then yearz later, after the series ended and Michael Landon went on and made other tv movies and series I noticed a bizarre re-accuring theme in his shows.
GABBY: What was that?
RAGZ: It seemed like he'd alwayz have one episode of his new series deal with the touchy subject of...BEDWETTING!
GABBY: Dun Dun DUN!!!
RAGZ: I'm not gonna go back and research it, but I can recall at least three different showz that Michael Landon had something to do with having bedwetting az a theme.
GABBY: Ya know what episode tripped me out the most on Little House?
RAGZ: The one where the kids think Jewish people have horns and a pointed tail?
GABBY: Nope. The one where Mr.Edwards tries to commit suicide with a shotgun...
RAGZ: Oh yeah, and Charles kicks the gun away at the very last minute!
GABBY: Yep,that one. It was pretty intense.
RAGZ: Wow. I can't believe we're yapping about "Little House On The Prairie!"
GABBY: well, we're well rounded people...well, at least I am. I'm just a floating head...
RAGZ: Hey, have you heard that they're going to remake "Nightmare On Elms Street"?
GABBY: why? Jesus, pleaze don't tell me Rob Zombie is gonna do it.
RAGZ: I haven't heard who'z directing it, but I have heard that Robert Englund izn't gonna be playing Freddie Krueger.
GABBY: That's just wrong! Wrong I Sayeth!!!!
RAGZ: Well, it'z to be expected. Hollywood haz alwayz been that way. I'm sure the people back in the sixties were all up in arms about Christopher Lee playing Dracula instead on Bela Lugosi. Every twenty yearz or so every classic gets a revamp. It'z nothing new...
GABBY: So who do you think should be the new Freddie Krueger?
RAGZ: I think it would be funny if Johnny Depp played the part since he waz killed by Freddie in the first movie.
GABBY: Hmmm,kinda obvious, but he HAS proven himself talented with sharp blades in past films!
RAGZ: Yeah, and Robert Englund should play the John Saxon role.
GABBY: Now yer talkin'!
RAGZ: It won't happen though. It'll be someone like Ashton Kutcher playing Freddie or sumthin'.
GABBY:**shudder**
RAGZ: I drew a pic of Freddie, in my revision...tho it doesn't look like Johnny Depp or Ashton Kutcher-
GABBY: Lookz good.
RAGZ: Thanx! Hey, ya know what movie I'm surprized they haven't remade yet?
GABBY: No what?
RAGZ: "The Abominable Dr.Phibes".
GABBY: Why would they remake those movies? Other that die hard Vincent Price fans and b-movie 70's geeks, the general public probably doesn't even remember them.
RAGZ: Yeah but when ya think about it they make perfect sense. The Dr. Phibes movies were like a precursor to "Seven" and the "Saw" films. It waz torture porn way ahead of it's time. Granted, again, I can't imagine anyone else doing Dr.Phibes like my fave actor Vincent price, but I'm really surprised Tim Burton or Rob Zombie hazn't jumped on this yet.
GABBY: he he...Tim Burton doing torture porn...that cracks me up...
RAGZ: Yeah, that iz pretty funny. It'll happen someday tho-just wait n' see.
GABBY: Actually "Sweeny Todd" wasn't too far from it. Sheesh,I hope they don't reade this. I'd hate the thought that either of thoze two would get involved in any of this.
RAGZ: Oh Gabby, yer so negative.
Let's look at some Dr.Phibes pix-
GABBY: Great snappyz Ragz!
RAGZ: Thanx!
GABBY: Any thing else ya wanna share with us?
RAGZ: I've also picked up the complete series of the Japanese ginat robot tv series from the 70's called "Super Robot Red Baron"!
GABBY: Now we're talkin'!
RAGZ: It'z yet another wacky giant robot fighting other giant robots series like Ultraman and Johnny Socko, but what makez this one a little different iz the super action team made up of swanky 70's young adults kung fu fighting along side thier big red giant robot buddy against evil. The supporting cast of scarf wearing tight pants bell bottom adventurers makes the series pretty awesome. That and thier bumbling older inspector guy sidekick who wears a white suit ,rides a bike everwhere and uses an umbrella as a weapon, is what makes this team of evil fighters just as much fun, if not more than the giant robot, to watch. In fact, Red Baron-the giant robot-is pretty stiff and kinda goofy looking,..
GABBY: Um, aren't they all a little goofy looking?
RAGZ: What? Bite yer tongue Gabby! Jet Jaguar, Ultraman and Giant Robot from Johnny Socko rule!
GABBY: yeah...so is this series worth picking up? I mean, doesn't it get old quick? Like all the others, every episode is basically the same...
RAGZ: Well, yeah, it tendz to get tedious just like the others, but it makes great background tv visuals while listening to music or as a backdrop at parties. And if yer a fan of this stuff yer gonna dig it.
GABBY: Here's some snappys-
RAGZ: I'm actually working on a character that'z inspired by theze 60's and 70's Japanese tv shows. I haven't got a name for it yet and I haven't designed the giant robot yet, but I can tell you it doez involve a monkey, an evil kid that bought him from an ad in a comic book and lotsa giant monsters. It's gonna rock.
GABBY: Cool! Will it be a comic book?
RAGZ: perhaps, or maybe a cartoon... we'll see.
GABBY: Can't wait to see it...anything else before we end this post?
RAGZ: Yeah.Speaking of monkeys, Last night Atari Stacey and I were watching "Planet Of The Apes" and ya know that scene where Lucius breaks Taylor and Nova out of thier cages by bonking the gorilla guard in the gourd?
GABBY: No....
RAGZ: well, the gorilla waz smoking a big ass cigar when he got knocked out and they didn't even bother to take the cigar out of his mouth.
GABBY: So?
RAGZ: Well that really bothered me. Cuz I'm sure eventually the cigar kept on burnin' and eventually burst the gorilla into flames. It'z not shown what happenz to him, but I couldn't sleep last night cuz of it. My imagination went wild and all I could think about waz the horrible flaming death of Gorilla Guard.
GABBY: You really do stress out wy too much...
RAGZ: yeah...
RAGZ: But, suddenly I have another great idea!
GABBY: oh boy...
RAGZ: How 'bout "Little House On The Prairie" done like it waz on the "Planet Of The Apes"? Just think of the possibilities!
GABBY: Instead of bedwetting you can have poop flinging!!
RAGZ: "The Little House On The Planet Of The Apes!"
GABBY:...You really need more sleep...
RAGZ: I'm gonna go draw it up now.....
GABBY: That'z it-I'm outta here!