(no subject)
Dear Tom.
First and foremost, I want you to know 2 things.
1) I am not sat here begging you to take me back. I'm not that person, and I'm never going to be that person. Part of me wishes I could be that person... but I know I could never allow myself to do that.
2) I hate you. That sounds harsh and brash and many many other horrible things, but that is how it is. I want to be in a place where I don't hate you - I've told you this. But that is where I have to be right now, and that is what I have to do. Anything else is too hard. Being your friend is too hard. Because I need to believe you're a shit person. Because that's the only way I can explain what you did. So I need to hate you.
I never wanted to be the girl who had to write a Dear Tom letter. I'm just a lot better at getting my feelings out in words than I am at speaking. Whenever I speak to you I get confused because you say something and it throws me off and I get scared to say what is in my head. Because I don't want it to be weird, and I don't want it to be awkward. I hate the idea that everyone is watching the situation waiting for me to have a nervous breakdown and smash your face in. I have absolutely no idea to believe that is what they are thinking... But I just feel like everyone is laughing at me. You included.
I am 25 years old and I feel like I'm acting like a child. Kicking and screaming because some boy doesn't like me. And everyone is sick of hearing about it.
But here it is, here is why I'm kicking and screaming. Here is the explaination. The one that I'm scared to say to your face, so I say vague things about feeling like you used me and that you've made me feel worthless. That on it's own should be enough - I'm well within my right to feel like crap, but apparently I should be "bucking up my ideas" and "getting the fuck over it" by now. Because you're not worth it, and I deserve better apparently. So when we talk I give you half stories about whats going on in my head and just avoid mentioning the rest. Because I'm scared.
But in case you haven't managed to read between the lines (and lets face it you were never any good at that) here it is in plain english.
When this whole thing first started I did not want to be with you. Largely because I have this belief that I'm crap at relationships - whether that's true or not, but I'm fully aware that I have some pretty weird opinions about relationships that aren't necessairily mainstream.
I knew this was all going to end badly and I was going to be the one in a mess about it. Because I wouldn't have just dumped you, I can't do that to a person. Everything I did in this "relationship" has been with you in mind. Funny how everything you did was also with you in mind. But then I guess that's the difference with you and me. You were always much better than me at being selfish. I care too much about what people think about me. That's how this all started after all. I was too scared about everyones opinions to give this a go, and you convinced me because YOU wanted it. I said we should just stay friends because working together when (and I said when, I never said if) this all goes wrong is going to be awful and awkward for everyone at work. But YOU wanted it, so you worked bloody hard to convince me otherwise. Well done. It's good to see you're able to put effort in when it suits you. It would be really nice if you'd think of someone else for once though.
But my reservations were so much more than that. I didn't want to go out with you because I didn't want to start having sex with you. And you made it very clear even the first time we met up how important that was to you. You didn't put pressure on me, fair enough, and I get that part of being intimate with someone is being sexual with them. But you would mention it all the time on those first few dates, and that made it very clear to me exactly what you wanted.
I was terrified.
I tried very hard to explain to you why I was... hesitant. But I didn't give you the full explaination.
I don't want to play the "Boo hoo I was raped" card, and I shouldn't have too. I'm not that girl, I've never been that girl. Ask 90 % of my friends and they will not know what happened. They'll know that my first sexual experience is not one that I discuss, but they just think it was some guy who I wasn't particularly interested in. I don't share that part of my life. I don't tell just anyone. I shared something intimate with you when I told you that, and I hope you understood how hard it was for me to tell you.
I told you that it does have an impact on my life and I told you that it does have an impact on my "relationships". However I didn't specify what that means. So let me be more explicit.
I don't see sex as something intimate or romantic. It's something manipulative people use as a weapon. The idea that someone wants to sleep with you is a powerful thing, and you can use that to your advantage or you can dismiss it. But I don't connect that with feelings. In my head wanting sex is not the same as caring about someone. I don't know how to get past that. But then until you nobody has ever given me a reason to try. It sounds stupid. I know what the "normal" ideal is about sex and love and relationships, and my brain just doesn't make the same connections.
So I tried, or rather, I was trying. And here's the problem..... because I never told you any of this and because I never opened up about how insecure I was feeling and how terrified I was about being with you, and how out of my depth I felt about all of it. Maybe the sex wasn't all that you were expecting it to be. I didn't initiate it, no matter how often I wanted too... and I wasn't exactly that adventurous. I was trying... and I was starting to get there... but 4 months is not going to undo 8 years worth of damage. And for that I'm sorry, maybe I should have been more honest.
So when I tell you that I think you used me to get over your ex, I'm not telling you the full story.
What I'm really saying is I was the grad student you were fucking to get over your ex, but the sex wasn't good enough so you binned me.
So when I say I'm feeling worthless. When I say you've made me feel like shit. Maybe this is a bit more of an explaination. So no, 2 months on I don't feel any different, because I have to walk into work everyday and see you, and feel like you got bored and decided I wasn't good enough. I don't feel like you ever believed this was a relationship, and that hurts because I really thought I was making progress.
I was trying. Maybe it wasn't enough, but I was. But you've put me right back to where I was when I was 17. Sex is a weapon. Apparently I just don't have a very strong army.
So yes. I hate you. And I can't ever tell you this.
Sam