(no subject)
T
And so it is,
Just like I knew it would be.
Chris, Pete, Tom, Richard,
A series of boys who I've let mess me around and just give up on me like I'm not worth it.
Maybe I'm not worth it.
Maybe I never was.
You have been the final nail in it though. This is what's hurting so much. I knew I had issues and I knew this had the potential to end seriously badly and I tried to explain that to you. But you just didn't listen because at the time that is what you wanted. I was what you wanted. How quickly things change.
I've managed to surround myself with these selfish people and it just makes me wonder why I go so far out of my way to protect them when they'd never do the same for me. I put myself out there for you because I believed I was what you wanted. I knew everything was poised to end badly and I knew it was going to be me left in a crap situation when it all went wrong, but you wanted me and I wanted to please you.
I had 3 moments when I nearly ended it because you treated me like crap. At one point I was stood on the train platform ready to go to your place and finish it.... But I didn't because I thought of how painful it would be at work if it ended in a ball of flames. I left the station and decided to wait and see if it was better once I was back at work full time.
It would have been nice if you had shown me the same consideration.
And no I can't change how you ended it, and no I can't change how you acted or how it all panned out.
But that doesn't make seeing your face every day easy. Knowing you don't want me. Feeling like you never really did. Watching as none of it affects you. As you just get on with it. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.
I just want it to stop. I just need to know how to make it all stop and make it all better. I need to know how to stop the panicking and the crying and the feeling like I'm about to vomit whenever you are there.
I'm 25 years old, and I'm acting like a child. Crying over a boy who doesn't want me. A boy who is not worth my time.
But tell me this, if you weren't worth my time.... How come you were the one who broke my heart? If I'm too good for you, why are you the one who ended it?
I wasn't in love with you. But I was invested in seeing where this was going. I was open to the idea of falling for you.
You just thought I was that colleague you could fuck for a bit.
Thanks twatzilla.
You keep telling me your worried about me. Maybe you should be. I spent 20 mins on the balcony today wondering how much it would actually hurt if I jumped.
I'm still debating which pain would be worse.
So yea, I'll sit here and claim it isn't all you and it's work and family and flat stress that is generating this reaction, and yes i have one hell of a lot of emotional stress in my life right now, but am I really going to tell you any different? I can't tell you that you've broken me. I can't scream at you. I can't do anything because I can't let you know how much this hurts. Because you're there. Every. Single. Fucking. Day. And I have to just get on with it.
People keep telling me I shouldn't regret it. I shouldn't regret putting my heart out there. But I do. Because I was already so damaged, and I warned you of that. But you still picked me up and made me believe for the shortest moment that maybe I was worth something. Then you just gave up. In the worst possible way.
And that kicked me right where it could do the most damage. So yes I regret it. I regret telling myself you were worth trying. I regret sharing my thoughts and insecurities with you. I regret letting you in. Because it just gave you the ability to hurt me even more.
We said we'd try and see what this was. Tell me, honestly, at what point we're you trying?
Thanks for proving that I'm as worthless as I've always believed.
Sam