doo dey ron day ron day, doo dey ron ron; she hangs out - "Siren Call"
Two in one week? Why, I must be ill or something. In the immortal words of Sir Samuel L. Jackson - hold on to your butts! It's the...
Law & Order Criminal Intent Episode Round-Up!
(For the episode (eagerly awaited and oft suggested) "Siren Call" or, "The One Where Eames Gets Cranky Because Everyone Keeps Asking If She's Okay")
Previously on CI: Eames got kidnapped, Goren FREAKED and everyone 'shipped out. Brooke Shields had a biff with Tom Cruise, and what the hell was Joel Gretsch in anyway? (OH YEAH The 4400!)
We open on a young girl who obviously got dressed in the dark during the summer of 1996. She's taken her baby sister to a party and generally acts like a bitch to everyone, which - as our mothers have always said - can only end in badness.
"Who has 'O' Canada' as their ringtone?" Someone who is ded, that's who.
CREDITS.
"Goin' a-courtin'..." Goren is waiting for Eames at the psychologist's nice office. I wonder if he's been there the whole hour or so. (Probably.)
See, Eames got kidnapped by Goren's mentor's crazy daughter and is a little stressed. BUT SHE CAN STILL WORK, OKAY, AND GIVE HER THE GODDAMN KEYS.
This is symbolic. And touching.
For once in his life, Goren leaves enough alone, Eames pwnz the day and they go to investigate 1996's murder.
1996 has been biffed in the head, much like Eames when she was kidnapped. She makes wincy faces.
Goren sniffs.
AUDIENCE: "Yeah, okay, Goren."
EAMES: "*wincy stressed face*"
GOREN: "*SNIIIIFFFSSSS*"
EAMES: "*wincy stressed face*"
GOREN: "SAKI!"
AUDIENCE: "O___O"
They work out 1996 went to a bar on a pier. They hang out with the manager who remembers the exact name of the person she was with, thanks to remembering exactly what his credit card looked at. SIDENOTE: What if it rains at this bar? Is there, like, collapsable walls to put up? What if there was a hurricane? This bar? Stresses me out. I'm making wincy stressed faces, man. And who remembers a customer's credit card? Dude. END SIDENOTE
After bringing in the guy 1996 was with, Goren decides the best tactic to take is to play with him, despite the kid obviously being a douche who just had a bad night and thinks 1996 owes him money.
But that's okay, Goren's gonna feel him up anyway.
They inform Captain Bitch, Please of their findings, and he gives Eames a searching, soulful look that should spark a million plot bunnies, but. No.
"I'M FINE, DOUCHE. GOD."
The Duo then go and investigate the bloke 1996 rang a lot, whose name is...MISTER RAINES?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
Turns out it's not THAT Mister Raines.
This one's married to Brooke Shields and is a bit of a weenie.
Everyone lives in a nice small town called Water Haven. It's the Prettiest Village in America, apparently.
As passengers, we find out a) 1996's step-dad, Wizneskee, is a police officer here, as is Mister Raines' ad agency, b) it's how the other half lives and c) Goren gives directions while Eames drives. Like any good married couple, then.
Goren's spider senses years of police training sense something is amiss at Raines Advertising and peers through the window to find Wizneskee with a gun on Raines. CUE GUN STANDOFF
"HE KILLED MY DAUGHTER."
"*wincy stressed faces*"
"*MENACING LOOK WHILE BEING ARRESTED*"
PAUSE.
Are these really appropriate policewoman wear, Alexandra? The last thing I do on a daily basis is hold a gun on someone, and I wouldn't wear bloody high heels to work. I bet she got a foot spa for Christmas from her sister, but doesn't use it because its the same thing she's been given for EIGHT YEARS STRAIGHT.
PLAY.
It's decided that interrogating Raines is the order of the day. Goren gets in his face.
A lot.
Much to everyone's faux surprise, Raines and 1996 were having an affair, despite Raines being married to Brooke Shields.
They then go and visit 1996's mates, but I can't remember what happened thanks to VDO being tieless and all sexed up.
Dear Wardrobe Department;
RE: Vincent D'Onofrio
Look. The bloke ain't looking his best at the moment. I can forgive you for the black pants/grey jacket thing you keep doing, but making him wear ugly ties and a totally shaved face? Not working. I suggest we go with a tie-less look and a couple of days of stubble - Katie Erbe will want to jump him, we'll want to jump him and we won't notice you've put him in the ugliest suits since Miami Vice. 'Kay? Thxbai.
Yours until he loses weight;
Piecesof and the Entire CI Fandom xoxoxox
Uh. Where was I? Oh yeah.
BROOKE. Lookin' good, lady. It becomes apparent that she really has no impact on the plot whatsoever, but fills in some holes like a good, all-purpose guest star should.
Goren and Eames are wondering about the whole Tom Cruise debacle, but as they go to ask, Brooke starts talking about her family and how awesome her life is, even though it's obvious nothing is peachy in Brooke/Raines-ville.
AND THEN WE'RE MADE TO LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY, AND I HAVE TO GO TO ART THERAPY.
Goren and Eames think the portrait is ugly, too, but are too polite to say so. They'll leave the bitching for in the car.
Captain Bitch, Please hates the portrait, too.
Funnily enough, Brooke and Raines have a biff and it's not over the Ugliest Portrait Ever. Apparently he had an affair or something. He leaves, but not before having a clothes shower.
"Sshhay, aren' you Goh-renn? HAY EAMSH, get a REEEEL mahn!"
WALL SMASH. Goren doesn't appreciate you being crass to Eames, thank you very much.
After he's sobered up, they interview Raines and he's all like, "SOZ LOLZ i woz drunk lolololololol"
Eames doesn't give a shit, but still, it's pretty obvious Rainsey ain't the killer and EXIT JOEL GRETSCH, stage left.
They then go and visit Captain BP, who gets a phone call about something or other.
Everyone is kind of weirded out by my abuse of Photoshop above.
Let us never speak of it again.
ANYHOO.
1996's BFF tells the world that she got it on with Raines, too, and tells of her wonderful career prospects including offers from Playboy and Maxim.
One of these people has subscriptions to both fine publications, and can hardly wait. HANG ON, IS THAT 1996'S SOMETIMES HOOK-UP PARTNER I FORGOT ABOUT CAPPING FROM BEFORE IN THE BOTTOM CORNER OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE?
Luckily, he's fleeing like a rat on a scurvy boat. So that makes him look guilty for five seconds, until we realise he isn't, and it's all just a set up to meet...
...Ellen Pompeo, on hiatus from Grey's Anatomy! Or her evil, older twin. Ellen is 1996's mum, Wizneskee's wife and has cancer. Goren knows this because she's drinking tea.
....
......
OH OF COURSE.
It's discovered that 1996 sent her sister home with That Guy She Sometimes Hooked Up With. Little Sister comes in, asking what the matter is. Eames thinks all kids are out to make her clothes sticky, so she just stays nonchalant.
This isn't a sticky child, but a Overprotective Child. She tells the detectives to get lost, in the nicest way possible.
LOL DOGHOUSE
Wizneskee's unhelpful partner comes in and aids the storyline in no way whatsoever, except to give Goren a lot of 'tude.
We get some serious drive-by action. WHITE HAVEN POLICE GANGS GONNA GETCHA
Captain Bitch, Please tells his detectives to watch their backs, which causes Eames to pull a *wincy stressed face* and Goren to LOL.
They visit Wizneskee, who has been given a lame-ass job since trying to shoot Raines. Remember that? Yeah, I forgot too. Goren tries to bond with him by admitting Ma Goren has lymphnoma and no time to live, like Ellen Pompeo. Wizneskee just thinks he's a moron, and, like his Unhelpful Partner, stalls the plot-line with 'tude so we can concentrate on the LARGE REVELATION Goren has let slip.
"That's true, about your Mom?"
"She's a fighter."
Or a nag. Either way.
They decide to annoy Overprotective Child, who is very venomous and scary. I chose to look upon this scene as Alex, Bobby and Franny with their alligator dog Alvin, havin' a stroll along the beach like the lovely family they are. FIC PLUG.
Aware that this episode is really weak on plot and development, Goren sits and has a think about it all while drawing pictures of Eames all over his folder.
Ellen and Wizneskee discuss dying and his pension, so dur, he's going to kill himself. Here, have your large ass cinderblock that cracked me on the head back, Writers.
Lucky, Goren's spider senses police savvy picks up on the cinderblock, so he takes Stressed Wincy Eames right into the den of a crazy man.
Good work, Detective Goren.
Wizneskee keeps the duo hostage, while telling a sad tale of PTSS, his wife dying, his daughter, German Shepards, missing out on a limited edition copy of Fleetwood Mac's greatest hits on eBay and his stress at not being able to eat red M&Ms. Luckily for everyone, Overprotective Child starts yelling through the door and Goren decides to barter Eames' freedom by emotionally manipulating a crazed man. What a good plan!
*WINCE, STRESS* Yeah, us too, Eames.
Wiz lets her go, but not after we get a nice feeling up scene. What straws being grasped at?
"I just want to kill you anyway, Goren."
"Ouh. *sad face*"
Goren's bonding doesn't help, so Wiz gives him a mobile to call his Ma to say goodbye. Like Goren wants his last moments on earth to be being nagged at, so he throws the phone away and...
...TAKES WIZ BY SURPRISE! GET HIM, GOREN! GET HIM!
In a heart-renching cry for Eames, Goren threatens Wiz with having Overprotective Child see him in this state, and Wiz gives up. Somehow, I don't know if it's that easy, but hay, he's Goren and I'm just Piecesof and I bet he can't sell $1000 worth of clothes to a rich bloke like I can.
Too bad Wiz kills himself anyway.
At long last, Goren gives the wincing and stressing an awknowledgement, and Ellen and Overprotective Child come out and see Wiz dead. It is very distressing for all, including the audience. :(
:(
Later, back in the Eamesmobile, she asks if Goren's okay.
SCREECH
PAUSE.
HELLO?! EAMES IS ASKING GOREN IF HE'S OKAY?! Call me crazy, but isn't EAMES the one who was kidnapped, then had to have two guns in her face in the space of a couple of days?! Not only that, but her feet probably hurt from her inappropriate shoes?! If this wasn't written by a male, I don't know. Seriously.
PLAY.
Oh, the man pain. Good lord.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Dick Wolf
(Bloody Hell, What a Crap) Fin.
Things Of Note:
♥ Oh, come on now. Eames? I'm pretty sure she deserved a little better plotting than this. Sure, we know she's gonna get character development up the wazoo in the next couple of episodes, but this ep? Left me, and I'm sure many others, boggling at the complete shift of directional emotion towards Goren. I know he's as emotionally void as Paris Hilton. I know Eames is the strong one - but come on, couldn't Goren step away for a couple of minutes and let Eames have a shower of concern? Bloody hell.
♥ That said? Vincent and Katie's acting in the hostage scene blew me the fuck away. In that one "Eames?" and her quick, on the money response, I thought my heart was going to break. That's chemistry, folks - both of them are so obviously on the same page in regards to their character's relationships, it's boggling. As we do see later on, their relationship is hop-skipping-jumping so quickly we can hardly keep up - but the emotion in that scene was enough to break even the most hardest of anti-shippers. And it's not even a 'shippy sort of scene, mainly; it just goes to show how in tune these two are with each other, on and off screen. ILU, man. ILU.
♥ Ma dying, blah blah blah. Hindsight's a nice thing, isn't it.
♥ I'm still pissed about the shift from Eames' woman pain to Goren's man pain. Good Lord.
♥ Sorry about the TODD Photoshopping. I solemnly swear I will not do it again. (maybe)
I wonder why my file of this episode is all crappy and pixely. Huh. Next episode? Something from Season Two, me thinks. That's on CRISP, CLEAR DVD.
Law & Order Criminal Intent Episode Round-Up!
(For the episode (eagerly awaited and oft suggested) "Siren Call" or, "The One Where Eames Gets Cranky Because Everyone Keeps Asking If She's Okay")
Previously on CI: Eames got kidnapped, Goren FREAKED and everyone 'shipped out. Brooke Shields had a biff with Tom Cruise, and what the hell was Joel Gretsch in anyway? (OH YEAH The 4400!)
We open on a young girl who obviously got dressed in the dark during the summer of 1996. She's taken her baby sister to a party and generally acts like a bitch to everyone, which - as our mothers have always said - can only end in badness.
"Who has 'O' Canada' as their ringtone?" Someone who is ded, that's who.
CREDITS.
"Goin' a-courtin'..." Goren is waiting for Eames at the psychologist's nice office. I wonder if he's been there the whole hour or so. (Probably.)
See, Eames got kidnapped by Goren's mentor's crazy daughter and is a little stressed. BUT SHE CAN STILL WORK, OKAY, AND GIVE HER THE GODDAMN KEYS.
This is symbolic. And touching.
For once in his life, Goren leaves enough alone, Eames pwnz the day and they go to investigate 1996's murder.
1996 has been biffed in the head, much like Eames when she was kidnapped. She makes wincy faces.
Goren sniffs.
AUDIENCE: "Yeah, okay, Goren."
EAMES: "*wincy stressed face*"
GOREN: "*SNIIIIFFFSSSS*"
EAMES: "*wincy stressed face*"
GOREN: "SAKI!"
AUDIENCE: "O___O"
They work out 1996 went to a bar on a pier. They hang out with the manager who remembers the exact name of the person she was with, thanks to remembering exactly what his credit card looked at. SIDENOTE: What if it rains at this bar? Is there, like, collapsable walls to put up? What if there was a hurricane? This bar? Stresses me out. I'm making wincy stressed faces, man. And who remembers a customer's credit card? Dude. END SIDENOTE
After bringing in the guy 1996 was with, Goren decides the best tactic to take is to play with him, despite the kid obviously being a douche who just had a bad night and thinks 1996 owes him money.
But that's okay, Goren's gonna feel him up anyway.
They inform Captain Bitch, Please of their findings, and he gives Eames a searching, soulful look that should spark a million plot bunnies, but. No.
"I'M FINE, DOUCHE. GOD."
The Duo then go and investigate the bloke 1996 rang a lot, whose name is...MISTER RAINES?!?!!?!?!?!?!?
Turns out it's not THAT Mister Raines.
This one's married to Brooke Shields and is a bit of a weenie.
Everyone lives in a nice small town called Water Haven. It's the Prettiest Village in America, apparently.
As passengers, we find out a) 1996's step-dad, Wizneskee, is a police officer here, as is Mister Raines' ad agency, b) it's how the other half lives and c) Goren gives directions while Eames drives. Like any good married couple, then.
Goren's spider senses years of police training sense something is amiss at Raines Advertising and peers through the window to find Wizneskee with a gun on Raines. CUE GUN STANDOFF
"HE KILLED MY DAUGHTER."
"*wincy stressed faces*"
"*MENACING LOOK WHILE BEING ARRESTED*"
PAUSE.
Are these really appropriate policewoman wear, Alexandra? The last thing I do on a daily basis is hold a gun on someone, and I wouldn't wear bloody high heels to work. I bet she got a foot spa for Christmas from her sister, but doesn't use it because its the same thing she's been given for EIGHT YEARS STRAIGHT.
PLAY.
It's decided that interrogating Raines is the order of the day. Goren gets in his face.
A lot.
Much to everyone's faux surprise, Raines and 1996 were having an affair, despite Raines being married to Brooke Shields.
They then go and visit 1996's mates, but I can't remember what happened thanks to VDO being tieless and all sexed up.
Dear Wardrobe Department;
RE: Vincent D'Onofrio
Look. The bloke ain't looking his best at the moment. I can forgive you for the black pants/grey jacket thing you keep doing, but making him wear ugly ties and a totally shaved face? Not working. I suggest we go with a tie-less look and a couple of days of stubble - Katie Erbe will want to jump him, we'll want to jump him and we won't notice you've put him in the ugliest suits since Miami Vice. 'Kay? Thxbai.
Yours until he loses weight;
Piecesof and the Entire CI Fandom xoxoxox
Uh. Where was I? Oh yeah.
BROOKE. Lookin' good, lady. It becomes apparent that she really has no impact on the plot whatsoever, but fills in some holes like a good, all-purpose guest star should.
Goren and Eames are wondering about the whole Tom Cruise debacle, but as they go to ask, Brooke starts talking about her family and how awesome her life is, even though it's obvious nothing is peachy in Brooke/Raines-ville.
AND THEN WE'RE MADE TO LOOK AT THIS MONSTROSITY, AND I HAVE TO GO TO ART THERAPY.
Goren and Eames think the portrait is ugly, too, but are too polite to say so. They'll leave the bitching for in the car.
Captain Bitch, Please hates the portrait, too.
Funnily enough, Brooke and Raines have a biff and it's not over the Ugliest Portrait Ever. Apparently he had an affair or something. He leaves, but not before having a clothes shower.
"Sshhay, aren' you Goh-renn? HAY EAMSH, get a REEEEL mahn!"
WALL SMASH. Goren doesn't appreciate you being crass to Eames, thank you very much.
After he's sobered up, they interview Raines and he's all like, "SOZ LOLZ i woz drunk lolololololol"
Eames doesn't give a shit, but still, it's pretty obvious Rainsey ain't the killer and EXIT JOEL GRETSCH, stage left.
They then go and visit Captain BP, who gets a phone call about something or other.
Everyone is kind of weirded out by my abuse of Photoshop above.
Let us never speak of it again.
ANYHOO.
1996's BFF tells the world that she got it on with Raines, too, and tells of her wonderful career prospects including offers from Playboy and Maxim.
One of these people has subscriptions to both fine publications, and can hardly wait. HANG ON, IS THAT 1996'S SOMETIMES HOOK-UP PARTNER I FORGOT ABOUT CAPPING FROM BEFORE IN THE BOTTOM CORNER OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE?
Luckily, he's fleeing like a rat on a scurvy boat. So that makes him look guilty for five seconds, until we realise he isn't, and it's all just a set up to meet...
...Ellen Pompeo, on hiatus from Grey's Anatomy! Or her evil, older twin. Ellen is 1996's mum, Wizneskee's wife and has cancer. Goren knows this because she's drinking tea.
....
......
OH OF COURSE.
It's discovered that 1996 sent her sister home with That Guy She Sometimes Hooked Up With. Little Sister comes in, asking what the matter is. Eames thinks all kids are out to make her clothes sticky, so she just stays nonchalant.
This isn't a sticky child, but a Overprotective Child. She tells the detectives to get lost, in the nicest way possible.
LOL DOGHOUSE
Wizneskee's unhelpful partner comes in and aids the storyline in no way whatsoever, except to give Goren a lot of 'tude.
We get some serious drive-by action. WHITE HAVEN POLICE GANGS GONNA GETCHA
Captain Bitch, Please tells his detectives to watch their backs, which causes Eames to pull a *wincy stressed face* and Goren to LOL.
They visit Wizneskee, who has been given a lame-ass job since trying to shoot Raines. Remember that? Yeah, I forgot too. Goren tries to bond with him by admitting Ma Goren has lymphnoma and no time to live, like Ellen Pompeo. Wizneskee just thinks he's a moron, and, like his Unhelpful Partner, stalls the plot-line with 'tude so we can concentrate on the LARGE REVELATION Goren has let slip.
"That's true, about your Mom?"
"She's a fighter."
Or a nag. Either way.
They decide to annoy Overprotective Child, who is very venomous and scary. I chose to look upon this scene as Alex, Bobby and Franny with their alligator dog Alvin, havin' a stroll along the beach like the lovely family they are. FIC PLUG.
Aware that this episode is really weak on plot and development, Goren sits and has a think about it all while drawing pictures of Eames all over his folder.
Ellen and Wizneskee discuss dying and his pension, so dur, he's going to kill himself. Here, have your large ass cinderblock that cracked me on the head back, Writers.
Lucky, Goren's spider senses police savvy picks up on the cinderblock, so he takes Stressed Wincy Eames right into the den of a crazy man.
Good work, Detective Goren.
Wizneskee keeps the duo hostage, while telling a sad tale of PTSS, his wife dying, his daughter, German Shepards, missing out on a limited edition copy of Fleetwood Mac's greatest hits on eBay and his stress at not being able to eat red M&Ms. Luckily for everyone, Overprotective Child starts yelling through the door and Goren decides to barter Eames' freedom by emotionally manipulating a crazed man. What a good plan!
*WINCE, STRESS* Yeah, us too, Eames.
Wiz lets her go, but not after we get a nice feeling up scene. What straws being grasped at?
"I just want to kill you anyway, Goren."
"Ouh. *sad face*"
Goren's bonding doesn't help, so Wiz gives him a mobile to call his Ma to say goodbye. Like Goren wants his last moments on earth to be being nagged at, so he throws the phone away and...
...TAKES WIZ BY SURPRISE! GET HIM, GOREN! GET HIM!
In a heart-renching cry for Eames, Goren threatens Wiz with having Overprotective Child see him in this state, and Wiz gives up. Somehow, I don't know if it's that easy, but hay, he's Goren and I'm just Piecesof and I bet he can't sell $1000 worth of clothes to a rich bloke like I can.
Too bad Wiz kills himself anyway.
At long last, Goren gives the wincing and stressing an awknowledgement, and Ellen and Overprotective Child come out and see Wiz dead. It is very distressing for all, including the audience. :(
:(
Later, back in the Eamesmobile, she asks if Goren's okay.
SCREECH
PAUSE.
HELLO?! EAMES IS ASKING GOREN IF HE'S OKAY?! Call me crazy, but isn't EAMES the one who was kidnapped, then had to have two guns in her face in the space of a couple of days?! Not only that, but her feet probably hurt from her inappropriate shoes?! If this wasn't written by a male, I don't know. Seriously.
PLAY.
Oh, the man pain. Good lord.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Dick Wolf
(Bloody Hell, What a Crap) Fin.
Things Of Note:
♥ Oh, come on now. Eames? I'm pretty sure she deserved a little better plotting than this. Sure, we know she's gonna get character development up the wazoo in the next couple of episodes, but this ep? Left me, and I'm sure many others, boggling at the complete shift of directional emotion towards Goren. I know he's as emotionally void as Paris Hilton. I know Eames is the strong one - but come on, couldn't Goren step away for a couple of minutes and let Eames have a shower of concern? Bloody hell.
♥ That said? Vincent and Katie's acting in the hostage scene blew me the fuck away. In that one "Eames?" and her quick, on the money response, I thought my heart was going to break. That's chemistry, folks - both of them are so obviously on the same page in regards to their character's relationships, it's boggling. As we do see later on, their relationship is hop-skipping-jumping so quickly we can hardly keep up - but the emotion in that scene was enough to break even the most hardest of anti-shippers. And it's not even a 'shippy sort of scene, mainly; it just goes to show how in tune these two are with each other, on and off screen. ILU, man. ILU.
♥ Ma dying, blah blah blah. Hindsight's a nice thing, isn't it.
♥ I'm still pissed about the shift from Eames' woman pain to Goren's man pain. Good Lord.
♥ Sorry about the TODD Photoshopping. I solemnly swear I will not do it again. (maybe)
I wonder why my file of this episode is all crappy and pixely. Huh. Next episode? Something from Season Two, me thinks. That's on CRISP, CLEAR DVD.