girl, don't you know we could work it out with talking? - "Masquerade"
Hold on to your hats! It's the...
Law & Order: Criminal Intent Episode Round-Up!
*smatterings of applause and general disinterest*
(For the episode "Masquerade" or "The One Piecesof Has A Lot of Trouble Spelling - With Liza!")
Previously on CI: Some people did stuff, Liza Minnelli was sans plastic surgery and oddness.
We open with...GOREN AND EAMES IN THE TEASER?! Pardon? Squeeze me? MY WORLD IS TILTING I CANNOT BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE
Turns out a creepy fellow has admitted to the murder of Jon Benet Amberleigh, a darling young thing and The Duo are there to arrest him in Vietnam. This, of course, gives Goren ample time to use his vast knowledge of Viet pick up lines, but alas, don't seem too work out for him.
Spotting Creepy on the telly and afraid of having their suspect taken from them, they run towards a throng of Yelling Reporters who are shouting bizarre questions in different accents.
"Amberleigh is still with us, if we are pure enough to hear her." BZUH?!
As creeped out by Creepy as I am, Eames - the Tinest Woman Alive - is left again to do the whole "you're under arrest" bag and take Creepy back to the States. CUT TO CREDITS.
PAUSE. Do you think they get annoyed having to do one of these every year? Like, does Balcer go "HAY IT'S STRUTTING CREDITS DAY" and the gang try to get out of it by claming dentist appointments? LOL, however, laughing at Captain Bitch, Please because he's all enjoying it and stuff and won't in a couple of seasons and Katie KNOWS this. VDO's just thinking of the biscuits Balcer promised him if he was a good boy and strutted nicely. PLAY.
Creepy and Goren are indulging in some expensive champagne in first class. As you do.
It soon becomes clear that he's trying to get Creepy drunk so to ply information from him, but Creepy's rather enjoying the window and speaking in bizarre riddles, like all good psychos. Eames, in the background, enjoys a nice cuppa and a read...
...in between PWNING passengers who try to take bad camera phone pictures of Creepy. Despite being the Smallest Woman Alive. And Goren being a giant.
Awwww. Having a kip while Goren STARES.
This is Jon Benet Amberleigh. She's a genie.
Her mum, and every piece of jewellery ever made, turn up on a cheesy magazine program expressing how much she loves her daughter, yadda, Creepy is caught yay yadda.
Too bad Creepy's still kipping and doesn't care.
The Gang then stand around for a while, chatting and generally waiting for Creepy to wake up.
They're bored and avoiding work as per usual, so Goren tries to have a biff with Captain Bitch, Please; just for shits and giggles.
Captain Bitch, Please hates Goren. He's the Anti-TODD. Eames, on the other hand, pretends she's invisible and wonders where her career went.
Something or other must happened case-wise, because now they're joined by The Nameless DA for more standing around.
She gets cranky about Creepy and having no name.
Goren and The Nameless DA have obviously had relations in the past, as by pulling these faces they're so obviously trying not to think about the other naked. Their facial expressions also sum up the audience's view of this episode thus far.
FINALLY they decide to do some detective work while Creepy still kips. At Liza's house, they encounter The Neighbour. He runs around making a big deal out of protecting Liza, while Goren...Gorens about.
Eames' phone rings. The guys look awkward. Turns out Creepy's woken up and will only talk to Goren, SURPRISE.
"You're not Bobby!"
"No shit!"
Captain Bitch, Please, instead of paying attention to the interview, worries about Thanksgiving dinner.
I think I've missed a couple of caps and a lot of important points. Anyhoo, they remember the cop who was first on the scene was a rookie, who Eames remembers was a lady cop who was held up as an example to Why Ladies Shouldn't Bother Themselves With Men's Police Work. They meet up with her for a tea party chat in Liza's house. Without Liza. And without explaination how they got in. Huh.
Goren tries his darndest to a) get everyone to play ironing board surfing and b) do absolutely no work whatsoever. One of these things he succeeded in doing. It wasn't A.
Questions are asked and answered about the dodginess of Liza and the crime scene. Goren doesn't want to do any work because Lady Cops are emotional, and he's with TWO Lady Cops and hello, he's a man and will get to the end of everything in due man-time.
So he stares in a dryer while the Womens are emotional in the corner.
EAMES: "Hay Goren?"
GOREN: "Hmmm?"
EAMES: "Let's visit The Neighbour."
THE NEIGHBOUR: "OH NOES I'VE BEEN SPOTTED. *tries to duck*"
The Neighbour and his son, Jamie, are totes innocent, fo' realz. How about Liza, then?
Large gaudy pearl earrings? Check. Manic nature? Check. Adoring looks at Goren? Check. Blue pony? Che...NO WAIT.
BLUE PONY! Hidden by a bed post! THE INHUMANITY! I DEMAND A RE-SHOOT! NOW!
Luckily, Liza knows I wouldn't be able to go on without seeing one form of blue equestrian animal or another, so she grabs the nearest one, placates me, then explains how wonderful and talented Amberleigh was.
Turns out Amberleigh was doing an ad and wasn't even in the state when Creepy said he met her. Lucky.
Goren and Eames are sufficently freaked out by both the cheesiness of the ad and THE FACT THEY WILL HAVE TO DO MORE DETECTIVE WORK NOW.
So they decide to visit Creepy, who's eating a creepy hot dog, and get to the bottom of all this.
Goren then interviews him, with the whole gang watching. Performance anxiety? Who knows. But nothing's going all that well with Ye Olde Theories for the Detectives, and it's back to the drawing board when they discover Creepy's really just a pawn in a big, annoying game of chess, despite him admitting someone has been emailing him in the guise of Liza, telling him vital pieces of information that I have been leaving out of this recap. Got it?
No, neither do I.
"Things go better with Coca-Cola...things go better with Coke!"
Eames, in all her wisdom, wonders why the fuck she's here.
They decide the best way to Liza is through her LOVE FOR GOREN. She's busy painting her face in anticipation of the Large One when the doorbell rings.
Imagine her surprise when...
...Goren's standing there with Mum Eames, who has dropped him off. This makes Liza's plans for having Goren in between her first and second encores of the Cabaret score very hard indeedy.
Don't be giving her "SAVE ME EAMES!" looks. You got yourself into this, mate. Eames, on the other hand, goes home to enjoy a nice night of Dirty Dancing on TV and no Goren ringing her at all hours, asking where his pen is.
Inbetween "(Life is a) Cabaret" and "Mein Herr", Liza informs Goren she doesn't have email, couldn't have emailed, doesn't know what email is and OMG YOU'RE HOT. Goren decides the only way out of a reinactment of any scene in the Kit Kat Club is to liquor her up and hope she falls into a kip-state like Creepy.
Before she passes out, Liza tells of how The Neighbour's son Jamie was trick-or-treating with Amberleigh on the night she died. Jamie is now a recovering drug addict and has problems, due to thinking he killed Amberleigh and his mum's "unrelated" death four years later. This, of course, means he's a suspect.
Eames fiddles with her cross and the audience gets hit over the head with the symbolism.
Captain Bitch, Please wishes he wasn't here and can't work out what's going on. Why is Eames suddenly a Catholic? Who is the murderer? Why did Liza stuff up her beauty? Where's TODD? Why is my back hot?
...oh. He's been leaning on the coffee machine, douche.
Bored with the whole thing, he askes Mick! to ring that awful tabloid program and craftily tells him to say it's the DA's office. Mick! does so, and ticks the box that says "Y" when Captain BP passes him a note asking if he can protect him from TODD on Thanksgiving.
Jamie is brought in to see The Neighbour tell big fibs about him on telly. Eames acts like she's doing something naughty and we all LOL at her cuteness. Jamie, convinced he killed Amberleigh, asks to see Liza and Liza agrees.
Liza looks very GRAVE. She might be in GRAVE danger, you know. At her daughter's GRAVE. Heh. Huh. Hmmm. *eye dart*
TOO BAD IF YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE, LIZA. No mourning for you! It's The Truth Time, with Detective Robert Goren and his Emotional Lady Cop Partner.
The Neighbour tries to stop Jamie and Liza talking, but Liza forgives Jamie in a lovely and giving gesture.
Love and emotion make Goren and Eames uncomfortable. So do the giant holes in this episode's plot and explainations.
OH SHIT Jamie didn't do it!
Liza is shocked, Eames knew all along and Goren isn't entirely sure were he is. He remembers the car, and Eames playing Scissor Sisters' new album, but after that? Blank. He wonders if he can have a kip soon.
"YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!" Poor Liza. But now Goren can kip, for kips make him happy, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most important thing you could ever learn from this episode.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Dick Wolf
FIN!
Things of Note:
♥ Oh Liza. Liza, Liza, Liza. What have you done to yourself?
So beautiful. Still, after all the plastic surgery, bizarre marriages, strange appearances on Larry King and failed comebacks, she did a wonderful job in this. Maybe she was acting, maybe she wasn't; but her performance was spot on and just the right amount of crazy to bring the whole thing home. Oh, Liza. I still love you.
♥ Canon things we learnt: Eames was at the academy a year after Amberleigh was killed in 1992, so 1993-1994. She also has nieces. SO MUCH CANON SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME.
♥ I am glad they deviated away from the Jon Benet timeline by the end. Somethings don't really warrant a TV show treatment, and I think Jon Benet's story is one of them. It was nicely handled, although the constant video footage of Amberleigh smacked of "oh noes we're ten mins short! Stuff it full of Happy!Amberleigh shots!" Slack, Editor Man. Slack.
♥ I may never recover from The Duo being in the teaser.
They just keep getting longer and longer. Any suggestions for what episode to do next?
Law & Order: Criminal Intent Episode Round-Up!
*smatterings of applause and general disinterest*
(For the episode "Masquerade" or "The One Piecesof Has A Lot of Trouble Spelling - With Liza!")
Previously on CI: Some people did stuff, Liza Minnelli was sans plastic surgery and oddness.
We open with...GOREN AND EAMES IN THE TEASER?! Pardon? Squeeze me? MY WORLD IS TILTING I CANNOT BELIEVE IN ANYTHING ANYMORE
Turns out a creepy fellow has admitted to the murder of Jon Benet Amberleigh, a darling young thing and The Duo are there to arrest him in Vietnam. This, of course, gives Goren ample time to use his vast knowledge of Viet pick up lines, but alas, don't seem too work out for him.
Spotting Creepy on the telly and afraid of having their suspect taken from them, they run towards a throng of Yelling Reporters who are shouting bizarre questions in different accents.
"Amberleigh is still with us, if we are pure enough to hear her." BZUH?!
As creeped out by Creepy as I am, Eames - the Tinest Woman Alive - is left again to do the whole "you're under arrest" bag and take Creepy back to the States. CUT TO CREDITS.
PAUSE. Do you think they get annoyed having to do one of these every year? Like, does Balcer go "HAY IT'S STRUTTING CREDITS DAY" and the gang try to get out of it by claming dentist appointments? LOL, however, laughing at Captain Bitch, Please because he's all enjoying it and stuff and won't in a couple of seasons and Katie KNOWS this. VDO's just thinking of the biscuits Balcer promised him if he was a good boy and strutted nicely. PLAY.
Creepy and Goren are indulging in some expensive champagne in first class. As you do.
It soon becomes clear that he's trying to get Creepy drunk so to ply information from him, but Creepy's rather enjoying the window and speaking in bizarre riddles, like all good psychos. Eames, in the background, enjoys a nice cuppa and a read...
...in between PWNING passengers who try to take bad camera phone pictures of Creepy. Despite being the Smallest Woman Alive. And Goren being a giant.
Awwww. Having a kip while Goren STARES.
This is Jon Benet Amberleigh. She's a genie.
Her mum, and every piece of jewellery ever made, turn up on a cheesy magazine program expressing how much she loves her daughter, yadda, Creepy is caught yay yadda.
Too bad Creepy's still kipping and doesn't care.
The Gang then stand around for a while, chatting and generally waiting for Creepy to wake up.
They're bored and avoiding work as per usual, so Goren tries to have a biff with Captain Bitch, Please; just for shits and giggles.
Captain Bitch, Please hates Goren. He's the Anti-TODD. Eames, on the other hand, pretends she's invisible and wonders where her career went.
Something or other must happened case-wise, because now they're joined by The Nameless DA for more standing around.
She gets cranky about Creepy and having no name.
Goren and The Nameless DA have obviously had relations in the past, as by pulling these faces they're so obviously trying not to think about the other naked. Their facial expressions also sum up the audience's view of this episode thus far.
FINALLY they decide to do some detective work while Creepy still kips. At Liza's house, they encounter The Neighbour. He runs around making a big deal out of protecting Liza, while Goren...Gorens about.
Eames' phone rings. The guys look awkward. Turns out Creepy's woken up and will only talk to Goren, SURPRISE.
"You're not Bobby!"
"No shit!"
Captain Bitch, Please, instead of paying attention to the interview, worries about Thanksgiving dinner.
I think I've missed a couple of caps and a lot of important points. Anyhoo, they remember the cop who was first on the scene was a rookie, who Eames remembers was a lady cop who was held up as an example to Why Ladies Shouldn't Bother Themselves With Men's Police Work. They meet up with her for a tea party chat in Liza's house. Without Liza. And without explaination how they got in. Huh.
Goren tries his darndest to a) get everyone to play ironing board surfing and b) do absolutely no work whatsoever. One of these things he succeeded in doing. It wasn't A.
Questions are asked and answered about the dodginess of Liza and the crime scene. Goren doesn't want to do any work because Lady Cops are emotional, and he's with TWO Lady Cops and hello, he's a man and will get to the end of everything in due man-time.
So he stares in a dryer while the Womens are emotional in the corner.
EAMES: "Hay Goren?"
GOREN: "Hmmm?"
EAMES: "Let's visit The Neighbour."
THE NEIGHBOUR: "OH NOES I'VE BEEN SPOTTED. *tries to duck*"
The Neighbour and his son, Jamie, are totes innocent, fo' realz. How about Liza, then?
Large gaudy pearl earrings? Check. Manic nature? Check. Adoring looks at Goren? Check. Blue pony? Che...NO WAIT.
BLUE PONY! Hidden by a bed post! THE INHUMANITY! I DEMAND A RE-SHOOT! NOW!
Luckily, Liza knows I wouldn't be able to go on without seeing one form of blue equestrian animal or another, so she grabs the nearest one, placates me, then explains how wonderful and talented Amberleigh was.
Turns out Amberleigh was doing an ad and wasn't even in the state when Creepy said he met her. Lucky.
Goren and Eames are sufficently freaked out by both the cheesiness of the ad and THE FACT THEY WILL HAVE TO DO MORE DETECTIVE WORK NOW.
So they decide to visit Creepy, who's eating a creepy hot dog, and get to the bottom of all this.
Goren then interviews him, with the whole gang watching. Performance anxiety? Who knows. But nothing's going all that well with Ye Olde Theories for the Detectives, and it's back to the drawing board when they discover Creepy's really just a pawn in a big, annoying game of chess, despite him admitting someone has been emailing him in the guise of Liza, telling him vital pieces of information that I have been leaving out of this recap. Got it?
No, neither do I.
"Things go better with Coca-Cola...things go better with Coke!"
Eames, in all her wisdom, wonders why the fuck she's here.
They decide the best way to Liza is through her LOVE FOR GOREN. She's busy painting her face in anticipation of the Large One when the doorbell rings.
Imagine her surprise when...
...Goren's standing there with Mum Eames, who has dropped him off. This makes Liza's plans for having Goren in between her first and second encores of the Cabaret score very hard indeedy.
Don't be giving her "SAVE ME EAMES!" looks. You got yourself into this, mate. Eames, on the other hand, goes home to enjoy a nice night of Dirty Dancing on TV and no Goren ringing her at all hours, asking where his pen is.
Inbetween "(Life is a) Cabaret" and "Mein Herr", Liza informs Goren she doesn't have email, couldn't have emailed, doesn't know what email is and OMG YOU'RE HOT. Goren decides the only way out of a reinactment of any scene in the Kit Kat Club is to liquor her up and hope she falls into a kip-state like Creepy.
Before she passes out, Liza tells of how The Neighbour's son Jamie was trick-or-treating with Amberleigh on the night she died. Jamie is now a recovering drug addict and has problems, due to thinking he killed Amberleigh and his mum's "unrelated" death four years later. This, of course, means he's a suspect.
Eames fiddles with her cross and the audience gets hit over the head with the symbolism.
Captain Bitch, Please wishes he wasn't here and can't work out what's going on. Why is Eames suddenly a Catholic? Who is the murderer? Why did Liza stuff up her beauty? Where's TODD? Why is my back hot?
...oh. He's been leaning on the coffee machine, douche.
Bored with the whole thing, he askes Mick! to ring that awful tabloid program and craftily tells him to say it's the DA's office. Mick! does so, and ticks the box that says "Y" when Captain BP passes him a note asking if he can protect him from TODD on Thanksgiving.
Jamie is brought in to see The Neighbour tell big fibs about him on telly. Eames acts like she's doing something naughty and we all LOL at her cuteness. Jamie, convinced he killed Amberleigh, asks to see Liza and Liza agrees.
Liza looks very GRAVE. She might be in GRAVE danger, you know. At her daughter's GRAVE. Heh. Huh. Hmmm. *eye dart*
TOO BAD IF YOU WANTED TO BE ALONE, LIZA. No mourning for you! It's The Truth Time, with Detective Robert Goren and his Emotional Lady Cop Partner.
The Neighbour tries to stop Jamie and Liza talking, but Liza forgives Jamie in a lovely and giving gesture.
Love and emotion make Goren and Eames uncomfortable. So do the giant holes in this episode's plot and explainations.
OH SHIT Jamie didn't do it!
Liza is shocked, Eames knew all along and Goren isn't entirely sure were he is. He remembers the car, and Eames playing Scissor Sisters' new album, but after that? Blank. He wonders if he can have a kip soon.
"YOU TOOK EVERYTHING!" Poor Liza. But now Goren can kip, for kips make him happy, and that, ladies and gentlemen, is the most important thing you could ever learn from this episode.
EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
Dick Wolf
FIN!
Things of Note:
♥ Oh Liza. Liza, Liza, Liza. What have you done to yourself?
So beautiful. Still, after all the plastic surgery, bizarre marriages, strange appearances on Larry King and failed comebacks, she did a wonderful job in this. Maybe she was acting, maybe she wasn't; but her performance was spot on and just the right amount of crazy to bring the whole thing home. Oh, Liza. I still love you.
♥ Canon things we learnt: Eames was at the academy a year after Amberleigh was killed in 1992, so 1993-1994. She also has nieces. SO MUCH CANON SUCH A SMALL AMOUNT OF TIME.
♥ I am glad they deviated away from the Jon Benet timeline by the end. Somethings don't really warrant a TV show treatment, and I think Jon Benet's story is one of them. It was nicely handled, although the constant video footage of Amberleigh smacked of "oh noes we're ten mins short! Stuff it full of Happy!Amberleigh shots!" Slack, Editor Man. Slack.
♥ I may never recover from The Duo being in the teaser.
They just keep getting longer and longer. Any suggestions for what episode to do next?