And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part V, Section A
I will soon make a future!post linking to all updates of this spork. But for now, let's go.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - ORACULUS AND THE PROPHECY
So, this chapter is pretty big in comparison to the other chapters, so we'll just see how this goes.
Our intrepid heroes visit a swamp, with Joey immediately stepping in some mud. FUCK YEAH, KARMA. On a large boulder sits a toad. And as all animals seem to do in Maradonia, it talks.
The sitting toad opened his gigantic mouth and said, "I expected you earlier, and believe it or not, I have waited for you for a very long time!"
\~/, of course.
O RLY? Why would you wait for a jackass and a Mary Sue, Mr. Toad?
"The legend tells us that one day on the future at a prepared hour, at a prepared day, at a prepared month and year 'THE ENCOURAGERS' will arrive and they will come and visit us."
... Pffff ahahahahaha~ \~/\~/\~/ Okay, seriously, that's what we're calling our dynamic duo? The Encouragers? That's not even a word, for one thing, though 'Encourager' is. Furthermore, it sounds like the name of a failed Christian band. Or maybe a lame high school mascot. Rrrrgh. One more. \~/
We learn this toad is named Oraculus. So this is where the prophecy/legend comes in. Apparently, King Pollo is not only ruler of the underworld, but also lord of the air. So, he basically has the underground and the sky at his beck and call? Innnnteresting. :/a The toad gets emotional because yay, Maradonia will be saved!
"The proplecy of old is fulfilled. My eyes are blessed because I can see the mystery revealed. I can already smell the smoke of the burning fire when your last test, the 'burnt offering' is successfully completed and the people of Maradonia are inspired, stimulated and by the success of 'The Encouragers'.
\~/\~/\~/ I don't know about you, but I do not want to be anywhere near that burnt offering.
Anyways, the animals rejoice as Arabella, having followed our heroes, watches from behind a bush. A spy doing spy things? Holy shit!
Anyway, Joey's all for becoming an Encourager. Maya, not so much. She goes into a long as hell speech about how there's nothing special about herself or Joey; hilarious, considering their Sue/Stu states. She also laments she never had a boyfriend because of her father raging the one time she went to a theater holding hands with a nice boy, and also how her parents refuse to have the internet in their home. Also, no cell phone. (... Is Maya's family Amish?? \~/ for wtf.) They are normal people who just want to go home, as this prophecy is clearly not for them. I'm inclined to agree, just based on the fact Joey's such a dick.
This spiel goes on for two. Whole. Pages. I shit you not. And of course, she's crying and out of breath and her Special Doves are trying to comfort her.
"And I do not want to talk or listen to you anymore unless you answer this one question, 'Why is it that the sun is not moving, like normal'?"
Wait, what the fuck? THAT is the question you want to ask? Did we not go through this already? But hey, the frog is happy to oblige. He explains that (as we already know) Maradonia is not a normal place.
"You can stay here in the 'Land of Maradonia' for one thousand years and if you go back home into your world, through the tunnel of time which is part of the cave of mystery, where you came from, you have missed only one single day of your normal life."
\~/\~/ More convenience, courtesy of Maradonia. Then again, as an RPer who has been in games like this, I can't complain too much.
The frog's not done yet. He explains that there are two kingdoms, the evil one and the good one, and everyone lives in one or the other.
"The kingdom of darkness is ruled by the king of the underworld, Apollyon. He presents illusions. He presents illusions of power, wealth and self glory. Everybody who follows these illusions can be lured into his kingdom.
The kingdom of light is illuminated forever by peace, understanding and knowledge. It is a place of harmony and perfection."
Saaa... \~/ Can Gloria whack us in the head any harder with the Bible references? Plus, how many times have we heard King Pollo's name come up? I think even Maya and Joey get the fact that Apollyon is the Big Bad here.
Joey basically says that he's still ready to be an Encourager, but then Oraculus notices the eagle that's been following Maya and Joey, and says that her name is Sagitta, a messenger for the king of light. Apparently, this is what really marks our siblings at 'The Encouragers'.
Drinkie, just because. \~/
Oh, hey, Oraculus is going to tell us the special traits Maya and Joey have that make them our heroes. Lemme guess... Maya because is is pure, Joey because he's an asshole.
Oraculus pointed at Maya saying, "Faith was found in your heart and the power of imagination was found in Joey.
Only this combination is the reason why you were chosen by the kingdom of light!"
Oooooi vey. Now, this would be a good place to end the chapter. Nnnnope. It continues! Toad goes on about how faith and imagination are wonderful traits. I found this line particularly humorous:
"All great leaders have one common gift... faith! Faith is like a magnet in your heart and a compass in your head!"
\~/ I bet that magnet confuses the ever loving fuck out of the compass.
And finally, we get to talking about King Astro. Joey is intrigued.
"Oraculus,please... tell us more about 'King Astrodoulos'! Is he a king with a real crown and real power?" Joey asked.
What the hell kind of question is that? Of course he has power; he's a king. Oh, and apparently, he dove into a pool of blood, which made him invincible and invulnerable. How surprising. :| Also, King Astro has no wife or kids. Methinks the pool of blood he dove in left him shooting blanks, but hey, just a theory.
As Joey excitedly asks Oraculus about the location of this Super Special Awesome pool, there's a rustling in the bushes. A wild Arabella has appeared! Of course, once Joey catches sight of her, she darts off faster than me when I see a Sanrio store.
... I like cute things, okay.
Anyways, Oraculus tell them again not to listen to Arabella or "any of those creepers". Creepers. CREEPERS. I laugh so so hard. \~/
He also tells them to go find three rivers that merge into the Poseidon River, and after that, the Poseidon Stone Plateau.
I think this is why so many hurricanes hit Florida; Poseidon is pissed his name is being tarnished in this shitty book.
Anyways, Oraculus keeps talking about their journey and how they'll eventually have to try and cross the Samara River (please tell me this is a reference to The Ring).
"When you will reach the other side of the river without any injury, harm or loss you will have mastered the first two tests of your journey. Remember, Arabella was your first test. It was the 'Decision Test' and you have succeeded. The 'Poseidon Plateau' will be your second test. This will be your 'Obedience Test'.
Obedience? Oh... listening to the frog as he tells you exactly how to get through the next area. Makes sense, I guess. As for after that? He tells them to follow the doves. Okay, fair enough.
The other tests are: the Trespassing Test, Separating & Cleansing, Peace, Food, and Fire. Now, if you wanted to make this interesting, why not just use the seven deadly sins for the test? I know I would. You can't go wrong with seven deadly sins. Seriously.
...This coming from a person who made a fan soundtrack for them, but anyway.
Oraculus also says that Abbadon, one of King Apollo's sons, is getting freed from his prison soon, so the pair better hurry the fuck up on this journey business so they can pass the tests, meet King Astro, and get the location of the pool of blood before Abbadon does.
The siblings finally decide enough is enough; it's time to get the fuck out of Maradonia and go home.
Best decision of the book, so far.
Chapter drinks: 14
Holy balls, that chapter was LONG. Um, yeah, chew on this for now; I'm going to go eat and wash my eyes out, then come back and tackle the other three chapters for this update. I need the break. You're getting two updates in a day; you're lucky bastards and you know it.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN - ORACULUS AND THE PROPHECY
So, this chapter is pretty big in comparison to the other chapters, so we'll just see how this goes.
Our intrepid heroes visit a swamp, with Joey immediately stepping in some mud. FUCK YEAH, KARMA. On a large boulder sits a toad. And as all animals seem to do in Maradonia, it talks.
The sitting toad opened his gigantic mouth and said, "I expected you earlier, and believe it or not, I have waited for you for a very long time!"
\~/, of course.
O RLY? Why would you wait for a jackass and a Mary Sue, Mr. Toad?
"The legend tells us that one day on the future at a prepared hour, at a prepared day, at a prepared month and year 'THE ENCOURAGERS' will arrive and they will come and visit us."
... Pffff ahahahahaha~ \~/\~/\~/ Okay, seriously, that's what we're calling our dynamic duo? The Encouragers? That's not even a word, for one thing, though 'Encourager' is. Furthermore, it sounds like the name of a failed Christian band. Or maybe a lame high school mascot. Rrrrgh. One more. \~/
We learn this toad is named Oraculus. So this is where the prophecy/legend comes in. Apparently, King Pollo is not only ruler of the underworld, but also lord of the air. So, he basically has the underground and the sky at his beck and call? Innnnteresting. :/a The toad gets emotional because yay, Maradonia will be saved!
"The proplecy of old is fulfilled. My eyes are blessed because I can see the mystery revealed. I can already smell the smoke of the burning fire when your last test, the 'burnt offering' is successfully completed and the people of Maradonia are inspired, stimulated and by the success of 'The Encouragers'.
\~/\~/\~/ I don't know about you, but I do not want to be anywhere near that burnt offering.
Anyways, the animals rejoice as Arabella, having followed our heroes, watches from behind a bush. A spy doing spy things? Holy shit!
Anyway, Joey's all for becoming an Encourager. Maya, not so much. She goes into a long as hell speech about how there's nothing special about herself or Joey; hilarious, considering their Sue/Stu states. She also laments she never had a boyfriend because of her father raging the one time she went to a theater holding hands with a nice boy, and also how her parents refuse to have the internet in their home. Also, no cell phone. (... Is Maya's family Amish?? \~/ for wtf.) They are normal people who just want to go home, as this prophecy is clearly not for them. I'm inclined to agree, just based on the fact Joey's such a dick.
This spiel goes on for two. Whole. Pages. I shit you not. And of course, she's crying and out of breath and her Special Doves are trying to comfort her.
"And I do not want to talk or listen to you anymore unless you answer this one question, 'Why is it that the sun is not moving, like normal'?"
Wait, what the fuck? THAT is the question you want to ask? Did we not go through this already? But hey, the frog is happy to oblige. He explains that (as we already know) Maradonia is not a normal place.
"You can stay here in the 'Land of Maradonia' for one thousand years and if you go back home into your world, through the tunnel of time which is part of the cave of mystery, where you came from, you have missed only one single day of your normal life."
\~/\~/ More convenience, courtesy of Maradonia. Then again, as an RPer who has been in games like this, I can't complain too much.
The frog's not done yet. He explains that there are two kingdoms, the evil one and the good one, and everyone lives in one or the other.
"The kingdom of darkness is ruled by the king of the underworld, Apollyon. He presents illusions. He presents illusions of power, wealth and self glory. Everybody who follows these illusions can be lured into his kingdom.
The kingdom of light is illuminated forever by peace, understanding and knowledge. It is a place of harmony and perfection."
Saaa... \~/ Can Gloria whack us in the head any harder with the Bible references? Plus, how many times have we heard King Pollo's name come up? I think even Maya and Joey get the fact that Apollyon is the Big Bad here.
Joey basically says that he's still ready to be an Encourager, but then Oraculus notices the eagle that's been following Maya and Joey, and says that her name is Sagitta, a messenger for the king of light. Apparently, this is what really marks our siblings at 'The Encouragers'.
Drinkie, just because. \~/
Oh, hey, Oraculus is going to tell us the special traits Maya and Joey have that make them our heroes. Lemme guess... Maya because is is pure, Joey because he's an asshole.
Oraculus pointed at Maya saying, "Faith was found in your heart and the power of imagination was found in Joey.
Only this combination is the reason why you were chosen by the kingdom of light!"
Oooooi vey. Now, this would be a good place to end the chapter. Nnnnope. It continues! Toad goes on about how faith and imagination are wonderful traits. I found this line particularly humorous:
"All great leaders have one common gift... faith! Faith is like a magnet in your heart and a compass in your head!"
\~/ I bet that magnet confuses the ever loving fuck out of the compass.
And finally, we get to talking about King Astro. Joey is intrigued.
"Oraculus,please... tell us more about 'King Astrodoulos'! Is he a king with a real crown and real power?" Joey asked.
What the hell kind of question is that? Of course he has power; he's a king. Oh, and apparently, he dove into a pool of blood, which made him invincible and invulnerable. How surprising. :| Also, King Astro has no wife or kids. Methinks the pool of blood he dove in left him shooting blanks, but hey, just a theory.
As Joey excitedly asks Oraculus about the location of this Super Special Awesome pool, there's a rustling in the bushes. A wild Arabella has appeared! Of course, once Joey catches sight of her, she darts off faster than me when I see a Sanrio store.
... I like cute things, okay.
Anyways, Oraculus tell them again not to listen to Arabella or "any of those creepers". Creepers. CREEPERS. I laugh so so hard. \~/
He also tells them to go find three rivers that merge into the Poseidon River, and after that, the Poseidon Stone Plateau.
I think this is why so many hurricanes hit Florida; Poseidon is pissed his name is being tarnished in this shitty book.
Anyways, Oraculus keeps talking about their journey and how they'll eventually have to try and cross the Samara River (please tell me this is a reference to The Ring).
"When you will reach the other side of the river without any injury, harm or loss you will have mastered the first two tests of your journey. Remember, Arabella was your first test. It was the 'Decision Test' and you have succeeded. The 'Poseidon Plateau' will be your second test. This will be your 'Obedience Test'.
Obedience? Oh... listening to the frog as he tells you exactly how to get through the next area. Makes sense, I guess. As for after that? He tells them to follow the doves. Okay, fair enough.
The other tests are: the Trespassing Test, Separating & Cleansing, Peace, Food, and Fire. Now, if you wanted to make this interesting, why not just use the seven deadly sins for the test? I know I would. You can't go wrong with seven deadly sins. Seriously.
...This coming from a person who made a fan soundtrack for them, but anyway.
Oraculus also says that Abbadon, one of King Apollo's sons, is getting freed from his prison soon, so the pair better hurry the fuck up on this journey business so they can pass the tests, meet King Astro, and get the location of the pool of blood before Abbadon does.
The siblings finally decide enough is enough; it's time to get the fuck out of Maradonia and go home.
Best decision of the book, so far.
Chapter drinks: 14
Holy balls, that chapter was LONG. Um, yeah, chew on this for now; I'm going to go eat and wash my eyes out, then come back and tackle the other three chapters for this update. I need the break. You're getting two updates in a day; you're lucky bastards and you know it.