Maradonia Sporking: Getting Back Into The Swing of Things
As many of you already know, I just got my copy of Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir in the mail. However, I refuse to start sporking them properly until Maradonia and the Seven Bridges arrives, but I thought, just to get back into the habit (since it's been a while), I would do a little bit of sporking on Gold of Ophir.
NOTE: I will spork the back of the book, the preface, and maybe the prologue of Gold of Ophir.
I have my tea (to drink when things annoy me or just make me go 'what'). I have my KitKats. I have a dictionary. And I have some brain bleach handy. Let's do this.
So, where to begin? The back of the book? Why not?
The Maradonia Saga is storytelling at it's best.
Oh, the up-talking. I can smell her ego from here. It's not pretty.
A stunning tour de force...
Pffff. \~/
...with a full complement of action, gritty realism, powerful characters...
'Powerful' here, of course, meaning 'a cast of cardboard cutouts with a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu leading the pack'.
...brimming treachery...
Hmmm... Go go gadget dictionary.
brim, noun:
1. the upper edge of anything hollow; rim; brink: the brim of a cup.
2. a projecting edge: the brim of a hat.
3. margin.
-verb (used without object)
4. to be full to the brim.
-verb (used with object)
5. to fill to the brim.
Perhaps a better choice of wording here would be 'treachery' on it's own. The 'brimming' feels pretty meaningless to me.
...bravery, knowledge, mystery and magic.
NOW you get simple? Oh, I chuckle. \~/
A girl called Maya and a boy called Joey...
More pointless adjectives! Did she really need to specify their genders? Joey, maybe, but Maya? Why not say 'Maya and her brother Joey'? Arg.
...hunted by the powers of darkness, realize with the arrival of airships on the sky of Oceanside...
I think that was supposed to be 'in' the sky. Nothing can really be 'on' the sky, I don't think.
...that they are not safe anymore in their old world because they had seized the most precious object of the Empire of Evil: The Key to the Underworld.
Holy run on sentence, Batman! And we now see the Random Capitalization™ at work. That whole 'because' could have been taken out, and that phrase split into two sentences. Add another 'thing to take a drink for'. \~/
A messenger from the Land of Maradonia...
Drink time! \~/
...delivers an urgent message and Maya and Joey know... they must return to Maradonia, the world between the worlds.
And also the Random Ellipses™. It's really just befuddling to actually see them in action after hearing so much about them. Also, the 'Maya and Joey'. Just from flipping through the book, I see this a lot. It could almost be one word. Mayaandjoey. Seriously. So... \~/ \~/
But can they discover the center of the rebellion? Can they find the three shiploads with the Gold of Ophir?
Drink. \~/ Question, though... why do they need the gold? Was an explanation for this given in Seven Bridges?
Can they disappear from the cruel hand of King Apollyon...
I think a better way to phrase this would be "Can they escape from the cruel King Apollyon?" Am I right?
... the ruler of the Underworld and escape from the Cataract of Evil?
Lord have mercy. \~/ \~/
Wait... cataract? Isn't that an eye thing? Once again, go go gadget dictionary.
cataract, noun:
1. a descent of water over a steep surface; a waterfall, esp. one of considerable size.
2. any furious rush or downpour of water; deluge.
3. Ophthalmology:
- a. an abnormality of the eye, characterized by opacity of the lens.
- b. the opaque area.
So either the cataract is some sort of evil waterfall, or some type of evil eye. Why not just call it The Evil Eye? Fits with the whole Empire of Evil thing.
The author of the Maradonia Saga...
It's not a saga.
...Gloria Tesch, holds the title of the world's youngest published novelist...
As we all are aware, Gtesch is not the world's youngest published novelist. Perhaps she chose the word 'published' to try and make the statement more correct? Fail either way. Annoyance drink. \~/
...with 'Maradonia and the Seven Bridges' and makes her mark again with her second Maradonia treasure, 'Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir'.
Treasure?! Bahahahahaha~! \~/
Gloria Tesch is a growing voice in high fantasy literature.
WRONG.
>With two eight hundred page novels to her credit, this master storyteller has the brightness of vision necessary to create sweeping epics and the storyteller's gift that makes readers love her.
Ugh. Lemme get the brain bleach.
So yeah. The back of the book. JUST the back.
Drink count: 9
Next up: Preface!
Table of contents shows that GoO has 87 chapters. Fuck my life. But I will soldier on, because THIS! IS! SPORKING!
Preface
Yay.
Maya and Joey...
Drink time. \~/
...hunted by the powers of darkness, realize with the arrival of thirteen airships on the sky of Oceanside that that are no longer safe in their old world because they has seized the most precious article of the Empire of Evil:
The Key to the Underworld.
\~/ \~/
Okay, so it's basically the back of the book all over again. Also, word choice... perhaps 'most precious artifact' or 'item' rather than 'article'. I keep envisioning a newspaper clipping.
A messenger from the Land of Maradonia delivers an urgent message: "Please, come immediately! We will meet you... in the City of Mundan."
Two counts of Random Capitalization™ and one count of Random Ellipses™. \~/ \~/ \~/
After receiving the new assignment, Maya and Joey knew... they must return...
Random Ellipses™ plus 'Maya and Joey'! \~/ \~/
Also, they got a request, not an assignment. They don't have to go back. I'd say 'screw Maradonia', toss the key to the bottom of Tempe Town Lake, then go play some Persona 4. I'm just saying.
On their first journey through the Land of Maradonia, they had discovered a conspiracy against the new King of Maradonia and they were informed that several shiploads with the 'Gold of Ophir' had disappeared without a trace.
Ah, that explains why they are looking for the gold. WHY was this not brought up on the back cover? Take out the parts where you puff up the author's ego and add relevant information!
Oh, and yes, three drinks for Random Capitalization™. \~/ \~/ \~/
But little did they know about the numerous complications, the horrifying dangers of King Apollyon and the live threatening Cataract of Evil that was waiting for them...
Two drinks! \~/ \~/
Oi vey. I'm getting a headache already.
Drink count this chapter: 13
Total drinks: 22
Two down, one to go - or so I thought.
Looking over it though, I realize I can't really spork it properly without having read The Seven Bridges, so I'm stopping here for now. I think I found my rhythm though, and will have a good start once the first book arrives at my house.
If you'll excuse me, I need the brain bleach...
NOTE: I will spork the back of the book, the preface, and maybe the prologue of Gold of Ophir.
I have my tea (to drink when things annoy me or just make me go 'what'). I have my KitKats. I have a dictionary. And I have some brain bleach handy. Let's do this.
So, where to begin? The back of the book? Why not?
The Maradonia Saga is storytelling at it's best.
Oh, the up-talking. I can smell her ego from here. It's not pretty.
A stunning tour de force...
Pffff. \~/
...with a full complement of action, gritty realism, powerful characters...
'Powerful' here, of course, meaning 'a cast of cardboard cutouts with a Mary Sue and a Gary Stu leading the pack'.
...brimming treachery...
Hmmm... Go go gadget dictionary.
brim, noun:
1. the upper edge of anything hollow; rim; brink: the brim of a cup.
2. a projecting edge: the brim of a hat.
3. margin.
-verb (used without object)
4. to be full to the brim.
-verb (used with object)
5. to fill to the brim.
Perhaps a better choice of wording here would be 'treachery' on it's own. The 'brimming' feels pretty meaningless to me.
...bravery, knowledge, mystery and magic.
NOW you get simple? Oh, I chuckle. \~/
A girl called Maya and a boy called Joey...
More pointless adjectives! Did she really need to specify their genders? Joey, maybe, but Maya? Why not say 'Maya and her brother Joey'? Arg.
...hunted by the powers of darkness, realize with the arrival of airships on the sky of Oceanside...
I think that was supposed to be 'in' the sky. Nothing can really be 'on' the sky, I don't think.
...that they are not safe anymore in their old world because they had seized the most precious object of the Empire of Evil: The Key to the Underworld.
Holy run on sentence, Batman! And we now see the Random Capitalization™ at work. That whole 'because' could have been taken out, and that phrase split into two sentences. Add another 'thing to take a drink for'. \~/
A messenger from the Land of Maradonia...
Drink time! \~/
...delivers an urgent message and Maya and Joey know... they must return to Maradonia, the world between the worlds.
And also the Random Ellipses™. It's really just befuddling to actually see them in action after hearing so much about them. Also, the 'Maya and Joey'. Just from flipping through the book, I see this a lot. It could almost be one word. Mayaandjoey. Seriously. So... \~/ \~/
But can they discover the center of the rebellion? Can they find the three shiploads with the Gold of Ophir?
Drink. \~/ Question, though... why do they need the gold? Was an explanation for this given in Seven Bridges?
Can they disappear from the cruel hand of King Apollyon...
I think a better way to phrase this would be "Can they escape from the cruel King Apollyon?" Am I right?
... the ruler of the Underworld and escape from the Cataract of Evil?
Lord have mercy. \~/ \~/
Wait... cataract? Isn't that an eye thing? Once again, go go gadget dictionary.
cataract, noun:
1. a descent of water over a steep surface; a waterfall, esp. one of considerable size.
2. any furious rush or downpour of water; deluge.
3. Ophthalmology:
- a. an abnormality of the eye, characterized by opacity of the lens.
- b. the opaque area.
So either the cataract is some sort of evil waterfall, or some type of evil eye. Why not just call it The Evil Eye? Fits with the whole Empire of Evil thing.
The author of the Maradonia Saga...
It's not a saga.
...Gloria Tesch, holds the title of the world's youngest published novelist...
As we all are aware, Gtesch is not the world's youngest published novelist. Perhaps she chose the word 'published' to try and make the statement more correct? Fail either way. Annoyance drink. \~/
...with 'Maradonia and the Seven Bridges' and makes her mark again with her second Maradonia treasure, 'Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir'.
Treasure?! Bahahahahaha~! \~/
Gloria Tesch is a growing voice in high fantasy literature.
WRONG.
>With two eight hundred page novels to her credit, this master storyteller has the brightness of vision necessary to create sweeping epics and the storyteller's gift that makes readers love her.
Ugh. Lemme get the brain bleach.
So yeah. The back of the book. JUST the back.
Drink count: 9
Next up: Preface!
Table of contents shows that GoO has 87 chapters. Fuck my life. But I will soldier on, because THIS! IS! SPORKING!
Preface
Yay.
Maya and Joey...
Drink time. \~/
...hunted by the powers of darkness, realize with the arrival of thirteen airships on the sky of Oceanside that that are no longer safe in their old world because they has seized the most precious article of the Empire of Evil:
The Key to the Underworld.
\~/ \~/
Okay, so it's basically the back of the book all over again. Also, word choice... perhaps 'most precious artifact' or 'item' rather than 'article'. I keep envisioning a newspaper clipping.
A messenger from the Land of Maradonia delivers an urgent message: "Please, come immediately! We will meet you... in the City of Mundan."
Two counts of Random Capitalization™ and one count of Random Ellipses™. \~/ \~/ \~/
After receiving the new assignment, Maya and Joey knew... they must return...
Random Ellipses™ plus 'Maya and Joey'! \~/ \~/
Also, they got a request, not an assignment. They don't have to go back. I'd say 'screw Maradonia', toss the key to the bottom of Tempe Town Lake, then go play some Persona 4. I'm just saying.
On their first journey through the Land of Maradonia, they had discovered a conspiracy against the new King of Maradonia and they were informed that several shiploads with the 'Gold of Ophir' had disappeared without a trace.
Ah, that explains why they are looking for the gold. WHY was this not brought up on the back cover? Take out the parts where you puff up the author's ego and add relevant information!
Oh, and yes, three drinks for Random Capitalization™. \~/ \~/ \~/
But little did they know about the numerous complications, the horrifying dangers of King Apollyon and the live threatening Cataract of Evil that was waiting for them...
Two drinks! \~/ \~/
Oi vey. I'm getting a headache already.
Drink count this chapter: 13
Total drinks: 22
Two down, one to go - or so I thought.
Looking over it though, I realize I can't really spork it properly without having read The Seven Bridges, so I'm stopping here for now. I think I found my rhythm though, and will have a good start once the first book arrives at my house.
If you'll excuse me, I need the brain bleach...