And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part I
Welcome, one and all, to the official start of my sporking of the Maradonia saga. The fail is great, but the reward will be laughs. Laughs for EVERYONE. We will triumph, I swear.
Tea? Check. Crackers? Check. Fail? Oh yeah. Massive check.
Let's do this.
Once again, welcome. For the uninitiated...
This is Maradonia and the Seven Bridges, by Gloria Tesch. I first came across Gloria Tesch and her work via a video on YouTube by the BlackPawnMovement; they were criticizing the opening for her TV show (yes, she has a public access TV show, but let's not get off target). I lol'd and promptly forgot about her till I read a Yahoo! Answers question asking who the 'youngest novelist' was. Lo and behold, her name came up again! I lol'd again at the fail and soon found myself curious; it was hard to dish out hate and snark on somebody when her work is so hard to get a hold of. That's okay though, because her promotional tactics gave plenty of fodder for criticism (thank you, Swankivy and SvivalityInABox). But videos are not my thing.
I wanted to rip the books a new one.
So I watched Amazon and I waited till I could finally buy the books at reasonable cost. And they are now in my hands. First, let's hit the back cover. Because we can.
The Maradonia Saga starts as an everyday story.
I think 'ordinary' would work better here.
A girl called Maya and a boy called Joey found a mysterious place in a forbidden area which opened the way to a 'World Between the Worlds'.
The 'Land of Maradonia'
Okay, so... three drinks. \~/\~/\~/
Now, here we go again. Say either 'Maya and her brother Joey' OR 'Siblings Maya and Joey'. And what's with the Random Apostrophes™ around your Random Capitalization™? Crap, need a third trademarked useless item.
With their arrival in Maradonia a prophecy is fulfilled.
How original.
Overnight their simple life in the small city of Oceanside has changed completely and they are thrust into a strange and perilous world.
Hnnnngh, where are the commas?! \~/ That sentence and the one preceding it need them so badly.
A world filled with magic and power.
... Is that a sentence fragment, or am I just tired?
Mystery, murder, deceit, revenge, conspiracy, theft but also faith, knowledge, wisdom and passion percolate in this thriller... and it keeps the reader on the edge of their seat.
Ah, so this is where all the commas went. List fail, Miss Tesch. Also, structure fail. Whoever told you that this worked was a liar. A massive one.
Also... percolate? Go go gadget dictionary!
percolate:
-verb (used with object)
1. to cause (a liquid) to pass through a porous body; filter.
2. (of a liquid) to filter through; permeate.
3. to brew (coffee) in a percolator.
-verb
4. to pass through a porous substance; filter; ooze; seep; trickle.
5. to become percolated: The coffee is starting to percolate.
6. to become active, lively, or spirited.
7. to show activity, movement, or life; grow or spread gradually; germinate: Interest in the idea has begun to percolate.
-noun
8. a percolated liquid.
Hm. Purple prose, or word choice fail, yet again? I'll let you be the judge.
Can Maya and Joey take up the mantle of the prophecy?
Well, this doesn't look right; isn't a mantle like, a cloak? Also, drink! \~/
Can they conquer the 'Seven Bridges' of tests and temptations?
Drink! \~/
Can they change the fate of Maradonia? The future of the legendary kingdom of Maradonia rest in their hands...
Should be 'rests'. Also, is that a Random Ellipse™? Eh, drink anyway. \~/
Is the final battle between the armies of Light and Darkness unavoidable when the teenagers secure the powerful 'Key to the Underworld' and the rulers of the 'Empire of Evil' are unable to enter their own kingdom?
Holy balls. Okay, so Random Apostrophes™ x 2, Random Capitalization™ x 2, plus Holy Run On Sentence, Batman! x 1. Five drinks. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/
Thank the Lord I am not partaking in alcohol for this. Oi vey.
Drink count: 12
For just the back cover?
Shit.
Onto the Preface!
One November Morning in Oceanside a mysterious beach was found in a forbidden area.
Drink. \~/ Again, use fucking commas! It's not that hard.
Fifteen-Year-old Maya and her Fourteen-Year-old brother Joey noticed a gap in the fence of a 'Government Owned Property'.
... No words; just four drinks. \~/\~/\~/\~/ We're gonna need more tea.
That's when they found the entrance to a cave. Soon they discovered that this cave led to a tunnel system which opened up to a different world...
They found 'a world between the worlds':
The 'Land of Maradonia'!
Oi vey. Four more drinks! \~/\~/\~/\~/ Why? Why do you rape capitalization, Gloria Tesch?! I don't like it!!
Drink count: 9
Total drinks: 21
And now... on to the actual book. I won't go line by line, because we'll be here all night. However, I will summarize to the best of my ability, picking lines that make me go 'wtf' as we go along. Ready? Okay!
Prologue is goooo.
I had heard about the ellipses starting the book, but seeing them in practice is especially brain breaking.
And we're at the palace of Apollyon, King of the Evil Empire! An underworld spy wants to talk to him, but ohshit, the 'Hoodmen' told her to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down:
Arabella, one of the spies in the service of the underworld, was still waiting for her opportunity to talk to King Apollyon, but the ‘Hoodmen’, the organizers of the meeting, gave her no chance to talk to him.
Drink, before I forget. \~/ Okay, we can probably figure out she's a spy based on her actions; there's no need to exposition that this early in the game. Mein Gott, this sounds like some chipper teenage girl prattling on about her day.
And now a whole list of names; damn, that's a lot of characters. Was listing them all really necessary at this point and time?
And then, King Apollyon finally appears!
Everybody got up from their seat and bowed down several times until King Apollyon gave the sign to sit.
I can't help envisioning a bunch of nervous Japanese salarymen bowing repeatedly during this scene; it makes me giggle.
Sweet suffering fuck:
King Apollyon started his speech with the words, “I declare the ‘General Council of our Empire’ as inaugurated and everybody at this table has the opportunity to speak freely and openly, but before we will jump into a dialog and the exchange of new ideas, let me introduce and greet my guests of honor.”
Ow. Ow. My brain. Massive dialogue fail, anyone? Seriously, what the actual fuck is that, besides the utter rape of grammar and the English language? Okay, that was a little dramatic, but still. Holy shit.
King Pollo (it's easier for me to spell) gets to it, and Little Miss Spy is shunned by the king in favor of ravens. Ouch.
Arabella sat down again offended and insulted that she was not honored at all... coming from so far away... and with such an important message.
Random Ellipses™! \~/ Also, why are you insulted? You are a spy. Seen, not heard, walk in shadow, etc. Or am I wrong?
Aaand apparently the ravens delivered a message, too. The same message as Arabella? Who knows? But someone was defeated, apparently.
... he was defeated by those kids, Maya and Joey and an army of teenagers."
Wait. I'm confused. So Maya and Joey are already in Maradonia? This is the prologue, right? Ugh, my head... But we're not done yet! After King Pollo calms down his frightened guests, he rambles on about a pool of blood, which again, makes no sense and I refuse to type it up.
King Astrodoulos, hereon referred to as King Astro, is apparently the good king, and sent Maya and Joey to that pool-slash-lake of blood, because anyone who dives into the lake is immune to the bad guys' powers. Hm... Swimming in blood to become immune to evil.
What the fuck. \~/
So, a guy basically calls out King Pollo on his leadership fail (why didn't he bring up this invincible lake sooner?)... and King Pollo turns him to ashes. Note that at the beginning, he claimed everyone at the table could speak freely.
Oh wait. I forgot. Evil Empire. Duh.
Basically, King Pollo rambles on along the lines of, "So what if they're invincible and untouchable by our powers? We'll find a way to kill them anyway!"
Arabella asks the big question: so where the fuck are Maya and Joey? To which King Pollo replies:
"Let me tell you a secret..."
End prologue.
Wait... really? Really? Jesus, Mary, and fuckin' Joseph. I can already feel the migraine coming on. But let's move on and see if we can't get through the first chapter.
CHAPTER ONE - THE NEW SCHOOL
Ahahahahaha... Oh my goodness. Just... Wow.
Back on target, sorry. Maya and Joey are introduced as a sophomore and a freshman, respectively. They're starting at a new school. How exciting! And now, it's time to bring on the Sue:
Maya was different. She was tall and a very beautiful girl and although she stood out of the crowd, she was extremely shy and did not make
new friends easily.
The self-insert. I can smell it. Somuch.
Joey, of course, is the opposite, making friends quickly and is apparently some type of art genius. Cue a rave review from some random US senator (yes, I'm dead serious):
“Joey, you have great potential. When I look at your poster I can see your ability as a bridge builder, who can create in his fantasy bridges into different dimensions.”
... Hit me a little harder with the foreshadowing. I don't think I got it just yet.
Argh, so the brother and sister are a Gary Stu/Mary Sue dynamic duo. Saw it coming.
So, Maya and Joey get to school, and after a few months, Maya makes friends! Yay! But also, some enemies. More yay! But oh dear lord, brace yourselves:
One of them was 'Alana Terence'! She was a member of the 'Gothic Movement' and she had a very rebellious spirit.
Gothic Movement? Wait, what? Do you mean to say she is a 'Goth', Gtesch? Why do people always make those into the Gothic look bullies? That is so fucking... rrrrgh.
And apparently, Alana especially hates Maya because she sensed a "different spirit" inside her. What the actual fuck?
Cue a bit more of Maya and Joey being opposites when it comes to making friends, plus a random interlude with her grandmother.
Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother was holding her in her arms and said, "This is indeed a very serious child!"
Serious child means serious business, indeed.
And now an infodump about why Maya is a super special snowflake. Need a drink to get through it. \~/ So, she's the artsy one, having started oil painting at the tender age of... four. And then this:
She was a very optimistic girl about everything in life but she was absolutely unhappy in the new school and she could not figure out 'why' she was so unhappy.
Maya had the particular feeling that everybody hated her just for being there.
Quick, cue the Evanescence/My Chemical Romance/Linkin Park music! A drink, to your emo, Maya! \~/
With that, mercifully, the chapter ends, as does this sporking.
Total drink count: 26 (I think)
So, there you have it. Fail. Upon fail. Served with more fail. In a fail sandwich. I have a migraine now, so I have to stop here, for my own sake. I will try to tackle chapters 2 and 3 tomorrow.
Holy fucking hell, this is just... Wow. Nothing on the internet can truly prepare you for just how bad this book is. I would read Twilight over this shit any day. However, I am straitjacket-committed to this task. I will not fail. I will not drop the ball.
Because I am Pari. And I read this for the LULZ!
Now, for some brain bleach and a warm compress. My brain... It hurts...
Tea? Check. Crackers? Check. Fail? Oh yeah. Massive check.
Let's do this.
Once again, welcome. For the uninitiated...
This is Maradonia and the Seven Bridges, by Gloria Tesch. I first came across Gloria Tesch and her work via a video on YouTube by the BlackPawnMovement; they were criticizing the opening for her TV show (yes, she has a public access TV show, but let's not get off target). I lol'd and promptly forgot about her till I read a Yahoo! Answers question asking who the 'youngest novelist' was. Lo and behold, her name came up again! I lol'd again at the fail and soon found myself curious; it was hard to dish out hate and snark on somebody when her work is so hard to get a hold of. That's okay though, because her promotional tactics gave plenty of fodder for criticism (thank you, Swankivy and SvivalityInABox). But videos are not my thing.
I wanted to rip the books a new one.
So I watched Amazon and I waited till I could finally buy the books at reasonable cost. And they are now in my hands. First, let's hit the back cover. Because we can.
The Maradonia Saga starts as an everyday story.
I think 'ordinary' would work better here.
A girl called Maya and a boy called Joey found a mysterious place in a forbidden area which opened the way to a 'World Between the Worlds'.
The 'Land of Maradonia'
Okay, so... three drinks. \~/\~/\~/
Now, here we go again. Say either 'Maya and her brother Joey' OR 'Siblings Maya and Joey'. And what's with the Random Apostrophes™ around your Random Capitalization™? Crap, need a third trademarked useless item.
With their arrival in Maradonia a prophecy is fulfilled.
How original.
Overnight their simple life in the small city of Oceanside has changed completely and they are thrust into a strange and perilous world.
Hnnnngh, where are the commas?! \~/ That sentence and the one preceding it need them so badly.
A world filled with magic and power.
... Is that a sentence fragment, or am I just tired?
Mystery, murder, deceit, revenge, conspiracy, theft but also faith, knowledge, wisdom and passion percolate in this thriller... and it keeps the reader on the edge of their seat.
Ah, so this is where all the commas went. List fail, Miss Tesch. Also, structure fail. Whoever told you that this worked was a liar. A massive one.
Also... percolate? Go go gadget dictionary!
percolate:
-verb (used with object)
1. to cause (a liquid) to pass through a porous body; filter.
2. (of a liquid) to filter through; permeate.
3. to brew (coffee) in a percolator.
-verb
4. to pass through a porous substance; filter; ooze; seep; trickle.
5. to become percolated: The coffee is starting to percolate.
6. to become active, lively, or spirited.
7. to show activity, movement, or life; grow or spread gradually; germinate: Interest in the idea has begun to percolate.
-noun
8. a percolated liquid.
Hm. Purple prose, or word choice fail, yet again? I'll let you be the judge.
Can Maya and Joey take up the mantle of the prophecy?
Well, this doesn't look right; isn't a mantle like, a cloak? Also, drink! \~/
Can they conquer the 'Seven Bridges' of tests and temptations?
Drink! \~/
Can they change the fate of Maradonia? The future of the legendary kingdom of Maradonia rest in their hands...
Should be 'rests'. Also, is that a Random Ellipse™? Eh, drink anyway. \~/
Is the final battle between the armies of Light and Darkness unavoidable when the teenagers secure the powerful 'Key to the Underworld' and the rulers of the 'Empire of Evil' are unable to enter their own kingdom?
Holy balls. Okay, so Random Apostrophes™ x 2, Random Capitalization™ x 2, plus Holy Run On Sentence, Batman! x 1. Five drinks. \~/\~/\~/\~/\~/
Thank the Lord I am not partaking in alcohol for this. Oi vey.
Drink count: 12
For just the back cover?
Shit.
Onto the Preface!
One November Morning in Oceanside a mysterious beach was found in a forbidden area.
Drink. \~/ Again, use fucking commas! It's not that hard.
Fifteen-Year-old Maya and her Fourteen-Year-old brother Joey noticed a gap in the fence of a 'Government Owned Property'.
... No words; just four drinks. \~/\~/\~/\~/ We're gonna need more tea.
That's when they found the entrance to a cave. Soon they discovered that this cave led to a tunnel system which opened up to a different world...
They found 'a world between the worlds':
The 'Land of Maradonia'!
Oi vey. Four more drinks! \~/\~/\~/\~/ Why? Why do you rape capitalization, Gloria Tesch?! I don't like it!!
Drink count: 9
Total drinks: 21
And now... on to the actual book. I won't go line by line, because we'll be here all night. However, I will summarize to the best of my ability, picking lines that make me go 'wtf' as we go along. Ready? Okay!
Prologue is goooo.
I had heard about the ellipses starting the book, but seeing them in practice is especially brain breaking.
And we're at the palace of Apollyon, King of the Evil Empire! An underworld spy wants to talk to him, but ohshit, the 'Hoodmen' told her to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down:
Arabella, one of the spies in the service of the underworld, was still waiting for her opportunity to talk to King Apollyon, but the ‘Hoodmen’, the organizers of the meeting, gave her no chance to talk to him.
Drink, before I forget. \~/ Okay, we can probably figure out she's a spy based on her actions; there's no need to exposition that this early in the game. Mein Gott, this sounds like some chipper teenage girl prattling on about her day.
And now a whole list of names; damn, that's a lot of characters. Was listing them all really necessary at this point and time?
And then, King Apollyon finally appears!
Everybody got up from their seat and bowed down several times until King Apollyon gave the sign to sit.
I can't help envisioning a bunch of nervous Japanese salarymen bowing repeatedly during this scene; it makes me giggle.
Sweet suffering fuck:
King Apollyon started his speech with the words, “I declare the ‘General Council of our Empire’ as inaugurated and everybody at this table has the opportunity to speak freely and openly, but before we will jump into a dialog and the exchange of new ideas, let me introduce and greet my guests of honor.”
Ow. Ow. My brain. Massive dialogue fail, anyone? Seriously, what the actual fuck is that, besides the utter rape of grammar and the English language? Okay, that was a little dramatic, but still. Holy shit.
King Pollo (it's easier for me to spell) gets to it, and Little Miss Spy is shunned by the king in favor of ravens. Ouch.
Arabella sat down again offended and insulted that she was not honored at all... coming from so far away... and with such an important message.
Random Ellipses™! \~/ Also, why are you insulted? You are a spy. Seen, not heard, walk in shadow, etc. Or am I wrong?
Aaand apparently the ravens delivered a message, too. The same message as Arabella? Who knows? But someone was defeated, apparently.
... he was defeated by those kids, Maya and Joey and an army of teenagers."
Wait. I'm confused. So Maya and Joey are already in Maradonia? This is the prologue, right? Ugh, my head... But we're not done yet! After King Pollo calms down his frightened guests, he rambles on about a pool of blood, which again, makes no sense and I refuse to type it up.
King Astrodoulos, hereon referred to as King Astro, is apparently the good king, and sent Maya and Joey to that pool-slash-lake of blood, because anyone who dives into the lake is immune to the bad guys' powers. Hm... Swimming in blood to become immune to evil.
What the fuck. \~/
So, a guy basically calls out King Pollo on his leadership fail (why didn't he bring up this invincible lake sooner?)... and King Pollo turns him to ashes. Note that at the beginning, he claimed everyone at the table could speak freely.
Oh wait. I forgot. Evil Empire. Duh.
Basically, King Pollo rambles on along the lines of, "So what if they're invincible and untouchable by our powers? We'll find a way to kill them anyway!"
Arabella asks the big question: so where the fuck are Maya and Joey? To which King Pollo replies:
"Let me tell you a secret..."
End prologue.
Wait... really? Really? Jesus, Mary, and fuckin' Joseph. I can already feel the migraine coming on. But let's move on and see if we can't get through the first chapter.
CHAPTER ONE - THE NEW SCHOOL
Ahahahahaha... Oh my goodness. Just... Wow.
Back on target, sorry. Maya and Joey are introduced as a sophomore and a freshman, respectively. They're starting at a new school. How exciting! And now, it's time to bring on the Sue:
Maya was different. She was tall and a very beautiful girl and although she stood out of the crowd, she was extremely shy and did not make
new friends easily.
The self-insert. I can smell it. Somuch.
Joey, of course, is the opposite, making friends quickly and is apparently some type of art genius. Cue a rave review from some random US senator (yes, I'm dead serious):
“Joey, you have great potential. When I look at your poster I can see your ability as a bridge builder, who can create in his fantasy bridges into different dimensions.”
... Hit me a little harder with the foreshadowing. I don't think I got it just yet.
Argh, so the brother and sister are a Gary Stu/Mary Sue dynamic duo. Saw it coming.
So, Maya and Joey get to school, and after a few months, Maya makes friends! Yay! But also, some enemies. More yay! But oh dear lord, brace yourselves:
One of them was 'Alana Terence'! She was a member of the 'Gothic Movement' and she had a very rebellious spirit.
Gothic Movement? Wait, what? Do you mean to say she is a 'Goth', Gtesch? Why do people always make those into the Gothic look bullies? That is so fucking... rrrrgh.
And apparently, Alana especially hates Maya because she sensed a "different spirit" inside her. What the actual fuck?
Cue a bit more of Maya and Joey being opposites when it comes to making friends, plus a random interlude with her grandmother.
Soon after Maya was born, her grandmother was holding her in her arms and said, "This is indeed a very serious child!"
Serious child means serious business, indeed.
And now an infodump about why Maya is a super special snowflake. Need a drink to get through it. \~/ So, she's the artsy one, having started oil painting at the tender age of... four. And then this:
She was a very optimistic girl about everything in life but she was absolutely unhappy in the new school and she could not figure out 'why' she was so unhappy.
Maya had the particular feeling that everybody hated her just for being there.
Quick, cue the Evanescence/My Chemical Romance/Linkin Park music! A drink, to your emo, Maya! \~/
With that, mercifully, the chapter ends, as does this sporking.
Total drink count: 26 (I think)
So, there you have it. Fail. Upon fail. Served with more fail. In a fail sandwich. I have a migraine now, so I have to stop here, for my own sake. I will try to tackle chapters 2 and 3 tomorrow.
Holy fucking hell, this is just... Wow. Nothing on the internet can truly prepare you for just how bad this book is. I would read Twilight over this shit any day. However, I am straitjacket-committed to this task. I will not fail. I will not drop the ball.
Because I am Pari. And I read this for the LULZ!
Now, for some brain bleach and a warm compress. My brain... It hurts...