hearts
fragile and singular
but hey, i've discovered something. once someone offers you their heart, it wont be there for you forever. there's a time frame in which you you can accept it. after that, someone elese will come along and they will take it. and it will no longer be yours.
somehow, i look forward to the day when i find my own, a heart that i can accept and i can give mine to. i've missed that a lot. ive missed having someone to show me things about the world that ive never seen before, and i miss being able to show them my world, to show them the wonders that i see in my own life and through my own eyes and be able to ahve them understand everyhting that i am, or to at least know what it is that i am trying to say even if it makes no sense.
i know that i am willing to wait. i know that i can wait. waiting is something i've done for so long, and once again, i am ok to wait again. if upon meeting him again once more today, right now, as who he is, he wouldnt be an exception for me.he'd be another one of those everyone else. but i guess since he has held a part of my heart once, he'll always have that piece of me. i wonder if he knows that. i wonder if he knows how much i have let him in. and i wonder if h knows how he had become a part of my exceptoins to the point where he had become my piority, where i'd put him first and above all else other than my family.
but i need someone who can love me wholey - not to try and fix me or to change me, to love me in a way so that id feel whole. i dont want to live restricted anymore. i dont want to live like im held back from doing all the things that i know i have the potential to do, to see the world and to live it, to wander it and to light it up in a way so that everything changes. i want to BE the change and i want to MAKE a change and i want to be pushed beyond my limits and be driven and motivated. i want to do life WITH someone and not have someone tell me all the solutions. advice are just suggestions, and i want to work things out together wth someone, not have them solve my prblems for me. teach me and walk with me.
all these reasons have stood the first time we seperated and the second time and still now, they stil stand. theyve always stood. from the very third month into our relationship ive said that i needed someone to inspire me. and 2 years later, you still cant. i guess i shouldve stuck with my decision when i made it the second time. and in many ways i am sorry taht i did not, becuase of the pain i had caused you, the confusion and the time that we have lost. but i am far more grateful that i ahd stuck with you this ong because now i know that i know that i know that there is nothing that couldve ever been done to change anything, that i ahve tried everything that i couldve done to make things work, and it didnt, so we are just not meant to be.
i cant believe it's been 2.25 years though. it's such a long time. such a long time. its a strange concept to me, that bing on and off with someone for so ong and still not feel like i can marry the person or that i can spend the rest of my life with them. sometimes i wonder if i am just incapable of feeling deeper things or just that i knew that i would be in trouble if i had fallen for him so i was wise enough not to give him everything. i wanted to give him everything just to feel more for him, but i couldnt. i just couldnt.
i think one of the most important things is that i am no longer thinking about the boy who hurt me most. i am no longer thinking about all the ways that i hate him, no longer in pain. Adrian took that away. he saved me from the ropes i was bound by to stay in that nightmare. but now his job
is done, and its time for another chapter.
i remember seeing my angel. i remember the way he taught me the ways to live outside of the norm, to travel via hover. and i remember why things are the way they are now. and i have a feeling that i wont have to wait long. i dont ahve to wait long to have what i want to have with another person. perhaps feeling isnt something that i can do right now, and that is ok. i want to meet people and i want to ahve fun. i want to do things that ive never done before, go places and i want to be able to do it with someone who is just as interested in it as me.
my heart flies after every band rehersal i have. it's amazing,and i hadnt felt that way in a lon time - since i first met adrian actually. and it's magical, that i dont need a person to make me feel that way. all i have to do is play music i know that i can play, to make music. even when i write and i come up with something wonderful i dont even feel like that. somehow, music is something whose touch makes my heart soar. i love it.
and until i can love another person in the same way i love music, or more, i cannot commit forever to them. i cannot commit myself to them. in this way, right now,
everything is and will be ok.
but hey, i've discovered something. once someone offers you their heart, it wont be there for you forever. there's a time frame in which you you can accept it. after that, someone elese will come along and they will take it. and it will no longer be yours.
somehow, i look forward to the day when i find my own, a heart that i can accept and i can give mine to. i've missed that a lot. ive missed having someone to show me things about the world that ive never seen before, and i miss being able to show them my world, to show them the wonders that i see in my own life and through my own eyes and be able to ahve them understand everyhting that i am, or to at least know what it is that i am trying to say even if it makes no sense.
i know that i am willing to wait. i know that i can wait. waiting is something i've done for so long, and once again, i am ok to wait again. if upon meeting him again once more today, right now, as who he is, he wouldnt be an exception for me.he'd be another one of those everyone else. but i guess since he has held a part of my heart once, he'll always have that piece of me. i wonder if he knows that. i wonder if he knows how much i have let him in. and i wonder if h knows how he had become a part of my exceptoins to the point where he had become my piority, where i'd put him first and above all else other than my family.
but i need someone who can love me wholey - not to try and fix me or to change me, to love me in a way so that id feel whole. i dont want to live restricted anymore. i dont want to live like im held back from doing all the things that i know i have the potential to do, to see the world and to live it, to wander it and to light it up in a way so that everything changes. i want to BE the change and i want to MAKE a change and i want to be pushed beyond my limits and be driven and motivated. i want to do life WITH someone and not have someone tell me all the solutions. advice are just suggestions, and i want to work things out together wth someone, not have them solve my prblems for me. teach me and walk with me.
all these reasons have stood the first time we seperated and the second time and still now, they stil stand. theyve always stood. from the very third month into our relationship ive said that i needed someone to inspire me. and 2 years later, you still cant. i guess i shouldve stuck with my decision when i made it the second time. and in many ways i am sorry taht i did not, becuase of the pain i had caused you, the confusion and the time that we have lost. but i am far more grateful that i ahd stuck with you this ong because now i know that i know that i know that there is nothing that couldve ever been done to change anything, that i ahve tried everything that i couldve done to make things work, and it didnt, so we are just not meant to be.
i cant believe it's been 2.25 years though. it's such a long time. such a long time. its a strange concept to me, that bing on and off with someone for so ong and still not feel like i can marry the person or that i can spend the rest of my life with them. sometimes i wonder if i am just incapable of feeling deeper things or just that i knew that i would be in trouble if i had fallen for him so i was wise enough not to give him everything. i wanted to give him everything just to feel more for him, but i couldnt. i just couldnt.
i think one of the most important things is that i am no longer thinking about the boy who hurt me most. i am no longer thinking about all the ways that i hate him, no longer in pain. Adrian took that away. he saved me from the ropes i was bound by to stay in that nightmare. but now his job
is done, and its time for another chapter.
i remember seeing my angel. i remember the way he taught me the ways to live outside of the norm, to travel via hover. and i remember why things are the way they are now. and i have a feeling that i wont have to wait long. i dont ahve to wait long to have what i want to have with another person. perhaps feeling isnt something that i can do right now, and that is ok. i want to meet people and i want to ahve fun. i want to do things that ive never done before, go places and i want to be able to do it with someone who is just as interested in it as me.
my heart flies after every band rehersal i have. it's amazing,and i hadnt felt that way in a lon time - since i first met adrian actually. and it's magical, that i dont need a person to make me feel that way. all i have to do is play music i know that i can play, to make music. even when i write and i come up with something wonderful i dont even feel like that. somehow, music is something whose touch makes my heart soar. i love it.
and until i can love another person in the same way i love music, or more, i cannot commit forever to them. i cannot commit myself to them. in this way, right now,
everything is and will be ok.