last night, sheila kept trying to be romantic.  we were listening to mp3s, and a romantic song from the 80s came on, and she wanted me to lay in bed next to her and cuddle.  i kept making jokes because i couldn't get serious about it.  i was afraid of the intensity of my own emotions.  sheila started to get annoyed, and i stopped.  i felt the ( Read more... )

i was at the beach of lake michigan when i came upon a mother with a young daughter.  she was probably 5 or 6.  they were sitting on a driftwood log, not unlike the one that sits on the shore at the leelanau school.
a cobra had washed ashore and the girl was playing with it.  it kept lifting its head and swaying back and forth with its neck fanned ( Read more... )

last night, i had horrible nightmares again ( Read more... )

last night's dream (full of fail):

me and about a dozen other people were being held hostage in the basement of someone's house.  it was very hitler-esque.  the guards had guns and knives.  we made several escape attempts.  every now and then, one or two of our captors (who were working for the government) would take pity on us and let us through, ( Read more... )

at my current age, i was living with my mother.  things were normal.  i was sitting on her lap and she was rubbing my back.  her hands moved lower and she started putting her hand in my underwear.  she put a finger inside of me.  it took me a moment to realize what was going on, and that it was bad.  and i should have known, i should have stopped ( Read more... )

so much despair in my dreams last night:

1.  there was a large, shallow aquarium with no lid.  it was on the top of a table at a museum.  it was a saltwater set-up with anemones, live rock, starfish, and crustaceans.  it was very beautiful.  i was looking down inside of it from the top.  there was an egg on the bottom that was halfway cracked open ( Read more... )

last night's dreams:

i was back at leelanau, at my current age.  i was trying to blend in with the rest of the students to hide the fact that i was actually 27.  i was afraid they would find out what a failure my life had been since graduating.  i wanted to try things all over again.  somewhere along the way, i had forgotten that after high school i ( Read more... )

i had another dream about leelanau last night.

i couldn't find my way around campus.  i sat down outside and started to cry because i was thinking about what would happen when i graduated and couldn't be there anymore.  i didn't want to leave.  i overheard my dorm mother telling another student, sometimes she gets tearful when she thinks about ( Read more... )

i've had a lot more "worst.dream.ever"s since the last time i posted.
night before last?  my parents were tormenting me and trying to convince everyone in my life how horrible i am.  they were saying i was a bad person, etc.  i was terrified of them and kept looking for someone to protect me.  they were physically chasing me.  they seemed to have ( Read more... )

it was my birthday, and sheila and me and two other people (a guy and a girl, they were friends of mine but they were not a couple) decided to take the train to owosso (i don't know why!) for the day.  we were at the train station, and the train wasn't there yet, so sheila told me to run to subway (okay, this was NOT kalamazoo) to get something to ( Read more... )