Struggling with body image
I have been struggling with my female body image the last few days or so.
On Tuesday it was amplified when one of my doctor bosses at a meeting called me Garrett multiple times and used male pronouns despite calling me Brenna many times before without any issue that I recall. Earlier that day in a female restroom, a girl kept awkwardly staring at me as I washed my hands. I could see it in the corner of my eye. She tried to make it not too obvious, but it was very awkward and uncomfortable. I wonder if she suspected that I was trans or like a cross-dresser, but when I think back on it, I think she was staring at my adam's apple. Unfortunately one of the problems with losing weight, my adam's apple is more obvious and much bigger than I originally realized (probably need to get a tracheal shave at some point even though it has risks in permanently messing up my voice or singing voice forever).
Yesterday, Nicole, Yumi, and I went to the local public park called Peckham with a free gym and indoor pool to do weights for a few minutes and swim, but I felt very self conscious almost the whole time there. I was trying to figure out ways to swim better (especially freestyle), but I felt a little embarrassed. Afterwards, we went to get a tasty seafood dinner and a delicious, rich chocolate mousse cake for dessert. We watched The Cat Returns last night, which was a cute, short Studio Ghibli movie (and the main character as a cat, human hybrid was very cute).
Before the movie though, we did some our monthly body measurements. It is interesting to notice objectively how one's body is changing over time (in my opinion at least). I try to use these measurements to keep my mind in check that I am changing. The positives are that I am losing a decent amount of fat in most areas of my body (but still some ways to go in a few areas). However, I notice that the areas that I want to increase in size to give me a more female shape so I can prove to myself that my body is more feminine now than it use to be is mixed results but mainly decreasing. I do acknowledge that my body is a bit more feminine in appearance now in days than it use to be, but the question is how much of this is due to hormones and how much of it is due to just the mass weight loss over the last year or two. I still ask myself everyday if my body would almost exactly as it does now if I did not take any hormones at all but still lost the weight. I notice trends that my bust, hips and butt keep decreasing in size, which is good in some ways that I am losing weight, but I am bothered by it too. When I constantly struggle with myself trying to say that I have a more feminine body now, it does not help if the areas that I hope and want to have some curve in keep decreasing. My body is becoming increasingly more "straight-lined" with little to no curve. I like being more fit, but I also still see my old male self too much still. I feel like that once I get more curve to my body, then I will know my body is changing to a more feminine, rounded shape. I feel like I need a bigger butt or bigger breasts to attain some peace on my body image. It does seem that my body as it is can pass most of the time as female, but in my mind, I guess it still looks too much like my old male self currently.
I know that there are different body types for women and everything, but I guess I can't shake this mental image that I am still looking too much like my old male self. I am trying so hard not to see that anymore. I know this is not healthy to think, but I have recently thought this morning how I have to do everything I can to improve my body if I want to maybe find someone who will like me cause I don't believe I can offer anything else to them.
I thought about how I have to maybe keep changing my body to get someone to like me more than a friend since I feel that I am so bland and boring in everything else. I still feel lonely at times which is the root of a lot of this thought. It got me to thinking how Heather, the one person who has EVER claimed that they actually liked me in a way more than a friend, probably never truly saw me as a female. She talked and still talks about how she still likes men (and their special appendages) so much and that I was the first girl that she liked yet she asked me a few times about my appendage. I realize that she probably never saw me like other girls, and she admitted that she felt the relationship would not have worked out. When I thought about that this morning before work while putting on my makeup, it made me break down for a few seconds and cry. Sometimes I just want to embrace someone...knowing that they actually want to be there with me...I would like to know that...just once...
I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can do to get myself to see my body with more of a female image. Maybe I never will. Maybe I should accept that my body as it is (probably be easier in theory on my mind), but it does not seem that I can. I know that I keep ranting on this stuff and is probably getting very old. It is a shame that I can't seem to get past this since my body image still plagues my mind occasionally. It has slowly gotten better the more I live my daily life as a female, but I also feel like this issue just keeps getting buried in the back of my mind. It resurfaces every now and then because I feel like it has never been resolved with myself.
Why can't I seem to accept that my body is changing in a more feminine way? It sucks that I constantly question this about myself.
On Tuesday it was amplified when one of my doctor bosses at a meeting called me Garrett multiple times and used male pronouns despite calling me Brenna many times before without any issue that I recall. Earlier that day in a female restroom, a girl kept awkwardly staring at me as I washed my hands. I could see it in the corner of my eye. She tried to make it not too obvious, but it was very awkward and uncomfortable. I wonder if she suspected that I was trans or like a cross-dresser, but when I think back on it, I think she was staring at my adam's apple. Unfortunately one of the problems with losing weight, my adam's apple is more obvious and much bigger than I originally realized (probably need to get a tracheal shave at some point even though it has risks in permanently messing up my voice or singing voice forever).
Yesterday, Nicole, Yumi, and I went to the local public park called Peckham with a free gym and indoor pool to do weights for a few minutes and swim, but I felt very self conscious almost the whole time there. I was trying to figure out ways to swim better (especially freestyle), but I felt a little embarrassed. Afterwards, we went to get a tasty seafood dinner and a delicious, rich chocolate mousse cake for dessert. We watched The Cat Returns last night, which was a cute, short Studio Ghibli movie (and the main character as a cat, human hybrid was very cute).
Before the movie though, we did some our monthly body measurements. It is interesting to notice objectively how one's body is changing over time (in my opinion at least). I try to use these measurements to keep my mind in check that I am changing. The positives are that I am losing a decent amount of fat in most areas of my body (but still some ways to go in a few areas). However, I notice that the areas that I want to increase in size to give me a more female shape so I can prove to myself that my body is more feminine now than it use to be is mixed results but mainly decreasing. I do acknowledge that my body is a bit more feminine in appearance now in days than it use to be, but the question is how much of this is due to hormones and how much of it is due to just the mass weight loss over the last year or two. I still ask myself everyday if my body would almost exactly as it does now if I did not take any hormones at all but still lost the weight. I notice trends that my bust, hips and butt keep decreasing in size, which is good in some ways that I am losing weight, but I am bothered by it too. When I constantly struggle with myself trying to say that I have a more feminine body now, it does not help if the areas that I hope and want to have some curve in keep decreasing. My body is becoming increasingly more "straight-lined" with little to no curve. I like being more fit, but I also still see my old male self too much still. I feel like that once I get more curve to my body, then I will know my body is changing to a more feminine, rounded shape. I feel like I need a bigger butt or bigger breasts to attain some peace on my body image. It does seem that my body as it is can pass most of the time as female, but in my mind, I guess it still looks too much like my old male self currently.
I know that there are different body types for women and everything, but I guess I can't shake this mental image that I am still looking too much like my old male self. I am trying so hard not to see that anymore. I know this is not healthy to think, but I have recently thought this morning how I have to do everything I can to improve my body if I want to maybe find someone who will like me cause I don't believe I can offer anything else to them.
I thought about how I have to maybe keep changing my body to get someone to like me more than a friend since I feel that I am so bland and boring in everything else. I still feel lonely at times which is the root of a lot of this thought. It got me to thinking how Heather, the one person who has EVER claimed that they actually liked me in a way more than a friend, probably never truly saw me as a female. She talked and still talks about how she still likes men (and their special appendages) so much and that I was the first girl that she liked yet she asked me a few times about my appendage. I realize that she probably never saw me like other girls, and she admitted that she felt the relationship would not have worked out. When I thought about that this morning before work while putting on my makeup, it made me break down for a few seconds and cry. Sometimes I just want to embrace someone...knowing that they actually want to be there with me...I would like to know that...just once...
I don't know what I can do. I don't know what I can do to get myself to see my body with more of a female image. Maybe I never will. Maybe I should accept that my body as it is (probably be easier in theory on my mind), but it does not seem that I can. I know that I keep ranting on this stuff and is probably getting very old. It is a shame that I can't seem to get past this since my body image still plagues my mind occasionally. It has slowly gotten better the more I live my daily life as a female, but I also feel like this issue just keeps getting buried in the back of my mind. It resurfaces every now and then because I feel like it has never been resolved with myself.
Why can't I seem to accept that my body is changing in a more feminine way? It sucks that I constantly question this about myself.