Confused about own self perception
Today is one of those days where I struggle to see myself as a girl and have doubt in my own identity. It is not that I do not want to see myself as a girl, but sometimes I just cannot see myself as a girl. I just sit there wondering how this ugly boy would ever be seen as a girl. Then I see all those physical flaws that reinforce why I think I am not seen as a girl. I see why I am not attractive.
I observe that majority of strangers identify me as female if I present as female. When I present androgynously or as a male, I do not get perceived as female.
I know mentally that I presenting so much as a man still in life that it causes me confusion. At my work Christmas party on December 16th, Yumi and I both went. I had to dress in a suit for the event. Sadly, I think I looked much better as a man that night than I have ever looked as a girl. I know that I should not be so hung up on appearance, but I am (not the only thing that depresses me). Nicole tells me that if I start living as a female full-time, then it should help me deal with my self-perception. I am presenting most of the time as male still since I have to for work and for my family. I just wonder how much of a difference this will make for me mentally and my complete acceptance as girl. I understand that women come in all shapes and sizes, but when you see the same man that you have always seen in the mirror staring right back at you, it can be difficult. If that man has been seen as a man before, then why would that man now be seen as a woman if that body was always seen as a man before?
I do want to see myself as female without any self doubt, but it can be really difficult. They make it look so easy sometimes. I know that it probably is/was not, but it sometimes seems that way. Why can't I just accept my ugly appearance? Why can't I always see myself as a female without doubt? It is difficult to put up a strong front of confidence to others, just so they don't doubt my identity, yet there are people that always do which in turns hurts my own confidence.
I do not know if this post was very coherent. I think my thoughts were a bit jumbled, but I blurted them out quick here. I wish that I was at peace with myself mentally and physically and the only way I can see that happening is that I feel that I need to experience some physical changes from my hormones... I am sorry that I keep posting the same crap time after time...
I observe that majority of strangers identify me as female if I present as female. When I present androgynously or as a male, I do not get perceived as female.
I know mentally that I presenting so much as a man still in life that it causes me confusion. At my work Christmas party on December 16th, Yumi and I both went. I had to dress in a suit for the event. Sadly, I think I looked much better as a man that night than I have ever looked as a girl. I know that I should not be so hung up on appearance, but I am (not the only thing that depresses me). Nicole tells me that if I start living as a female full-time, then it should help me deal with my self-perception. I am presenting most of the time as male still since I have to for work and for my family. I just wonder how much of a difference this will make for me mentally and my complete acceptance as girl. I understand that women come in all shapes and sizes, but when you see the same man that you have always seen in the mirror staring right back at you, it can be difficult. If that man has been seen as a man before, then why would that man now be seen as a woman if that body was always seen as a man before?
I do want to see myself as female without any self doubt, but it can be really difficult. They make it look so easy sometimes. I know that it probably is/was not, but it sometimes seems that way. Why can't I just accept my ugly appearance? Why can't I always see myself as a female without doubt? It is difficult to put up a strong front of confidence to others, just so they don't doubt my identity, yet there are people that always do which in turns hurts my own confidence.
I do not know if this post was very coherent. I think my thoughts were a bit jumbled, but I blurted them out quick here. I wish that I was at peace with myself mentally and physically and the only way I can see that happening is that I feel that I need to experience some physical changes from my hormones... I am sorry that I keep posting the same crap time after time...