The Thirty-Day Meme: Day 1 - Introduce yourself
I know promised to start doing this meme a while ago, and since I feel depressed today, it is good as time as any. Enjoy:
Back in the glorious year of 1985, where Bryan Adams was topping the charts with "The Summer of '69" and Michael J Fox starred in the fantastic, sci-fi movie Back to the Future, a baby boy was born by mom and dad here in Texas on December 4th. I was that baby boy (what a twist!).
I was first child born into my family. My god parents that were chosen were my some of my Dad's aunt and uncle because I was the first boy born into my generation of my dad's side of the family. I was an instant favorite among all my relatives on my Dad's side of the family, especially since I was destined to carry on the name of the family.
Eventually, I gained 3 other siblings that I was always the model and mentor to. My sister Kate (currently 2nd year of college), my brother Connor (7th grade), and baby sister Erin (2nd grade). I always was expected to be the high standard and example to them. My parents made sure that I always did well at school. B's in public school were very frowned upon by my parents. I was the obedient child to them. Almost always obeying all my parents' commands.
In terms of my personality, I never was a very social person and always had very few close friends growing up at the same time. I sometimes enjoy being alone because I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of me. Typically I am a quiet person while also liking to toss out dumb jokes occasionally. I consider myself to be a pretty nice person overall, pretty conscious of others thoughts and feelings for the most part. I can be uptight at times, but at the same time I can be loose. I also am a bit obsessive compulsive. If I see something obviously dirty or out of place/dirty, I have to fix it or it will drive me crazy. I am very conscious of time like how long I spend doing activities or wasting time on other things. I am meticulous by planning out my days and activities. I am very pessimistic. One of my mottos in life is, "Always prepare for the worse or to be disappointed." I have little hope for the future and try not to think about it too much, otherwise it depresses me. I have poor self confidence and self esteem.
My physical appearance is a bit under 6 feet tall. I have a large body frame that I inherited from my dad's gene pool. I was born with bright red hair and it has slowly dulled over time to an auburn color. Don't have really any flattering things to say about my body.
I graduated from college here in Texas in May 2008 and now currently work for a big research hospital as a Research Assistant. I moved out from my parents' house to my own apartment by myself back in February. It has given me more freedom to explore myself.
My interests I consider are mainly geeky. I grew up loving science fiction stuff like Star Wars. I use to play video games alot but now not near as much. I love watching movies. I love watching anime and reading a few mangas. I like Bleach, Naruto, and One Piece the most right now, so basically the main stream stuff. As I grew up, I disliked watching and playing sports (despite my dad forcing me to play football in the 7th grade to toughen me up), but strangely enough, I grew to like watching football and basketball (and some baseball) while in college. I am a HUGE college football fan. Gig'em Aggies.
I am very confused about my gender identity but growing more accepting that I am transgendered. I grew up as an innocent child mainly, pretty sheltered from adult things. For example, in the 4th grade, a boy asked me if I knew what Playboy was, I asked him if it was a new gameboy video system. I never really understood that there was a true difference between males and females till one day in 5th grade, the sex talk day.
My parents never told me about how sex worked, so I learned about the no-no-cha-cha in school that day as well as the destiny of my body, puberty. I watched that segment about puberty and thought, I don't want to grow up to be a man. I was more fascinated what the female's puberty and their anatomy. I was kinda envious. I started seeing most girls in a bit different light since then. I also began everyday since then wishing I could wake up as a girl. I never could explain it really. I always prayed and hoped some magical way I would become a girl. It got so bad at some point I found a piece of long hair from a girl that fell on her desk, and I decided to eat it, just for the irrational hope that I would transform into a girl.
Time passed to about 7th grade, about the same time I played football that one year. I simply said to myself, "Get over it! You won't ever become a girl! Suck it up! Be a man like you were born to be! Just stop it all!" If you could say my gender confusion and desire to be a girl embodied a little girl in mind, I basically tied her up and gagged her and tossed her into an closet in the back of my mind. It made life a bit easier as I tried to ignore those feelings, but that little girl at least once a day would knock on that closet door and yell with a muffed mouth, "You still want to be a girl!" I still had those feelings, but I did a much better job denying and ignoring them in high school.
In late junior high and high school, I started getting some time to read stuff on the internet, which I discovered transexuality. I read a few journals here and there, read about hormones, etc. One day though I was careless and did not clear the history in the internet explorer, which my parents saw some of what I read about. I freaked out some, but my parents never talked about it with me. However, to mainly continue living in denial about my gender confusion, I went through most of my school life obsessing with school work and other interests, just so I never tried to think about it.
I never had the courage or faith in anyone to tell this secret to. I felt so alone in the world for a long time. I just did not want this to leak out to anyone and judge me before they got to know me or had my family and friends possibly freak out. I just tried never to show any signs of my gender confusion to people.
I went off to college, which was my first time I had real time to do research on transgenderism without much fear of getting caught. I almost bought myself some hormones online just to see what it was like, but I could not figure out a way to buy it without my parents finding out and my irrational fear of getting charged by the government. I decided that I needed to continue ignoring these desires till I graduated college. I also thought my desire to be a girl would just go away. I figured one day it would just disappear from my mind. I knew that trying to transition would be extremely difficult and did not have much faith in my ability to accomplish it. I also thought that if I found the right girl in my life (however never found any girl), it would all just go away as if her presence and love would cleanse out those thoughts and desires.
Once I graduated college, it made me slow down and realize that there was nothing to really distract me anymore, and I no longer could completely ignore it. Especially once I moved out of my parent's home and got my own apartment, I started to expand my horizons a bit. I have been on hormones for 10 and a half months straight now. I really don't want to stop them either. I met two great girls in the area that have made me a bit more secure about these feelings I have denied so long in my life. At the moment, I feel kind of stuck in my life, where I don't have the confidence or the belief I could pass in public and not sure how I will tell my parents about being trans. I just don't want them to blame themselves for me wanting to transition or them claim I am just crazy or something. Even though I have take steps towards more acceptance of myself and towards transition, becoming a woman still seems like an impossible dream or fantasy at times. I hope to figure it out all out soon because I do not know long I can keep going like I have been.
Thanks for taking time to read this all for those that did :)
Back in the glorious year of 1985, where Bryan Adams was topping the charts with "The Summer of '69" and Michael J Fox starred in the fantastic, sci-fi movie Back to the Future, a baby boy was born by mom and dad here in Texas on December 4th. I was that baby boy (what a twist!).
I was first child born into my family. My god parents that were chosen were my some of my Dad's aunt and uncle because I was the first boy born into my generation of my dad's side of the family. I was an instant favorite among all my relatives on my Dad's side of the family, especially since I was destined to carry on the name of the family.
Eventually, I gained 3 other siblings that I was always the model and mentor to. My sister Kate (currently 2nd year of college), my brother Connor (7th grade), and baby sister Erin (2nd grade). I always was expected to be the high standard and example to them. My parents made sure that I always did well at school. B's in public school were very frowned upon by my parents. I was the obedient child to them. Almost always obeying all my parents' commands.
In terms of my personality, I never was a very social person and always had very few close friends growing up at the same time. I sometimes enjoy being alone because I don't have to live up to anyone's expectations of me. Typically I am a quiet person while also liking to toss out dumb jokes occasionally. I consider myself to be a pretty nice person overall, pretty conscious of others thoughts and feelings for the most part. I can be uptight at times, but at the same time I can be loose. I also am a bit obsessive compulsive. If I see something obviously dirty or out of place/dirty, I have to fix it or it will drive me crazy. I am very conscious of time like how long I spend doing activities or wasting time on other things. I am meticulous by planning out my days and activities. I am very pessimistic. One of my mottos in life is, "Always prepare for the worse or to be disappointed." I have little hope for the future and try not to think about it too much, otherwise it depresses me. I have poor self confidence and self esteem.
My physical appearance is a bit under 6 feet tall. I have a large body frame that I inherited from my dad's gene pool. I was born with bright red hair and it has slowly dulled over time to an auburn color. Don't have really any flattering things to say about my body.
I graduated from college here in Texas in May 2008 and now currently work for a big research hospital as a Research Assistant. I moved out from my parents' house to my own apartment by myself back in February. It has given me more freedom to explore myself.
My interests I consider are mainly geeky. I grew up loving science fiction stuff like Star Wars. I use to play video games alot but now not near as much. I love watching movies. I love watching anime and reading a few mangas. I like Bleach, Naruto, and One Piece the most right now, so basically the main stream stuff. As I grew up, I disliked watching and playing sports (despite my dad forcing me to play football in the 7th grade to toughen me up), but strangely enough, I grew to like watching football and basketball (and some baseball) while in college. I am a HUGE college football fan. Gig'em Aggies.
I am very confused about my gender identity but growing more accepting that I am transgendered. I grew up as an innocent child mainly, pretty sheltered from adult things. For example, in the 4th grade, a boy asked me if I knew what Playboy was, I asked him if it was a new gameboy video system. I never really understood that there was a true difference between males and females till one day in 5th grade, the sex talk day.
My parents never told me about how sex worked, so I learned about the no-no-cha-cha in school that day as well as the destiny of my body, puberty. I watched that segment about puberty and thought, I don't want to grow up to be a man. I was more fascinated what the female's puberty and their anatomy. I was kinda envious. I started seeing most girls in a bit different light since then. I also began everyday since then wishing I could wake up as a girl. I never could explain it really. I always prayed and hoped some magical way I would become a girl. It got so bad at some point I found a piece of long hair from a girl that fell on her desk, and I decided to eat it, just for the irrational hope that I would transform into a girl.
Time passed to about 7th grade, about the same time I played football that one year. I simply said to myself, "Get over it! You won't ever become a girl! Suck it up! Be a man like you were born to be! Just stop it all!" If you could say my gender confusion and desire to be a girl embodied a little girl in mind, I basically tied her up and gagged her and tossed her into an closet in the back of my mind. It made life a bit easier as I tried to ignore those feelings, but that little girl at least once a day would knock on that closet door and yell with a muffed mouth, "You still want to be a girl!" I still had those feelings, but I did a much better job denying and ignoring them in high school.
In late junior high and high school, I started getting some time to read stuff on the internet, which I discovered transexuality. I read a few journals here and there, read about hormones, etc. One day though I was careless and did not clear the history in the internet explorer, which my parents saw some of what I read about. I freaked out some, but my parents never talked about it with me. However, to mainly continue living in denial about my gender confusion, I went through most of my school life obsessing with school work and other interests, just so I never tried to think about it.
I never had the courage or faith in anyone to tell this secret to. I felt so alone in the world for a long time. I just did not want this to leak out to anyone and judge me before they got to know me or had my family and friends possibly freak out. I just tried never to show any signs of my gender confusion to people.
I went off to college, which was my first time I had real time to do research on transgenderism without much fear of getting caught. I almost bought myself some hormones online just to see what it was like, but I could not figure out a way to buy it without my parents finding out and my irrational fear of getting charged by the government. I decided that I needed to continue ignoring these desires till I graduated college. I also thought my desire to be a girl would just go away. I figured one day it would just disappear from my mind. I knew that trying to transition would be extremely difficult and did not have much faith in my ability to accomplish it. I also thought that if I found the right girl in my life (however never found any girl), it would all just go away as if her presence and love would cleanse out those thoughts and desires.
Once I graduated college, it made me slow down and realize that there was nothing to really distract me anymore, and I no longer could completely ignore it. Especially once I moved out of my parent's home and got my own apartment, I started to expand my horizons a bit. I have been on hormones for 10 and a half months straight now. I really don't want to stop them either. I met two great girls in the area that have made me a bit more secure about these feelings I have denied so long in my life. At the moment, I feel kind of stuck in my life, where I don't have the confidence or the belief I could pass in public and not sure how I will tell my parents about being trans. I just don't want them to blame themselves for me wanting to transition or them claim I am just crazy or something. Even though I have take steps towards more acceptance of myself and towards transition, becoming a woman still seems like an impossible dream or fantasy at times. I hope to figure it out all out soon because I do not know long I can keep going like I have been.
Thanks for taking time to read this all for those that did :)