Some Good Advice
Friday, June 18th 2010 at 8:07am
I need to make a commitment to write everyday. Even if it's just a paragraph. I do plenty of other writing everyday, and I'm not slow at typing. There is no excuse for me not to write at least a paragraph in my personal blog daily.
Last night Paladin and I agreed (at my suggestion) that we're getting married Monday, the 21st of June. Three days from now. We have until then to write vows. I intend to make fruit balls for the occasion, as well as dress my very best. I hope to have something else cool thought up then as well. I'll be making a certificate today, most likely in Photoshop. It won't be a legal marriage, but we'll be just as married as anyone else. We'll behave like married people, and declare ourselves 'husband and wife' to the public, and wear our rings. So I don't see a real difference in it.
Although, one day, I look forward to having a party at my home Unitarian church for all of my family and friends. Squirrel would be my best man, and Wolf might show up. I'd invite Parrot and Parakeet, and my brothers (Sheep and Elephant) would come. Turtle and Kitten would most likely be there as well. (I'd kick their asses if they didn't come.) My parents would be there, of course.
I'd invite Panther, Antelope, Cheetah, Lion, Goat, Tiger, Seahorse, Walrus and Owl - from the writer's group - as well. Did I even mention Panther happens to the be the uncle of a girl I went to girl scout's with? Small world - or at least; it was. Now the world is startlingly large. I actually spoke to Seahorse via e-mail on the dating site yesterday. I told her that OKCupid was the best dating site there was, and that that was where I met Paladin and she decided to go ahead and make an account. I ought to get paid by OKC, considering how many people I've sent their way.
Snowshoe Hare would be there of course.
Paladin just left for work. We kissed - several times - as we always do right before he leaves. I told him, “You'd better sneak in some vow writing today. I'm expecting a long love sonnet from you.” He says, “Oh dear.” And I said, “I saw the poetry you wrote in high school - you don't have an excuse.”
And then he's out the door and I'm watching him walk down the hallway. “Farewell,” he calls.
I'm amazed we have not had one of those typical huge fights couples usually have around two or three months into a relationship, or two or three months into living together. We've past both of those marking points now without much trouble. Over six months as a couple, and I've been out here since...
Since when? I can't recall.
You see, this is one of the reasons why I write. I'm going to go look at the blog entries and find out when I came back out here. (Although, it seems that this is my fourth period since I came out here, and that my period started the day I got here, so I'm guessing it's been just about three months and a week.)
Hrm. April 8th 2010, while I was home, I wrote, “I think being home is depressing me. Nothing is the same anymore. My habits, ideas, concepts, world view, opinions, hopes, aspirations... It's all changed. And the house is changed, and their habits have changed. I don't seem to belong or matter anymore. I don't know what to do with myself.”
I remember that feeling. It was very difficult. I wonder what seeing my home city and parents again now would be like?
Ah, found it. April 14th 2010 - the day I returned. Until I looked at the entry I wrote the day after, I had forgotten what a rough day that was for me. I had to get up so early and do so much running around in heals I wore. I wanted to take my healed boots, and I wasn't going to have space to pack them. My other shoes were already here.
I'm glad the whole mess of feeling 'homeless' is over. It's good to belong here, even if I know I really don't belong here. This coast isn't safe, in my opinion. And it's way too populated...
Friday, June 18th 2010 at 8:52am
Rabbit writes me on June 18th 2010 at 2:00am;
Nuria,
Well you're getting married! Such a big step. I'm so happy for you :) I know you'd make a wonderful wife and he does seem nice.
It's good that you see him a lot [more that you saw Porcupine]. I know how much loneliness kills you. I didn't enjoy seeing you so upset [when you were with Porcupine] but you seem to be doing quite fine, now.
Yeah, 99% of the reservation males are into partying and doing drugs. My boyfriend smokes weed everyday... Which is ironic, I suppose. Since, you are aware of my dislike of alcohol and all that crap. He actually gave up drinking once I came along though. I don't mind the weed... it's weird.
I always said that I wanted a "white" boyfriend. I somehow convinced myself that they were better than the reservation guys.... Maybe because I grew up and still see how they are today - their habit of drinking binges and lack of respect for women. I told myself I'd never want someone like that. Who would? But that was also naive of me.
Recently, had a friend pass away. Once she graduated, she had joined the Army. She ended up meeting a white guy and built a family. They moved to Washington and it all seemed fine. I was inspired, you know? Not many people choose to leave this place but she did. She had made something of herself... but her husband brutally murdered her. So, now I'm afraid to leave or even date elsewhere.
I reply Rabbit on June 18th 2010 at 8:50am;
Rabbit,
I'm excited about getting married as well. We're having a very private ceremony Monday, and a potluck with some friends on the 27th to celebrate.
I used to be fine with Porcupine smoking weed, but I realized after he and I broke up that I wanted someone who didn't do that. Paladin and I smoke weed together once a month. This weekend is actually the third Saturday of the month, thereby making it the day I get him as high as I can and then watch how silly he behaves, lol. He never smoked before me, so it's easy for us to keep it highly inexpensive and under control. If that makes sense.
It takes less than $3 worth of weed to get us both high, which I find amusing, since Porcupine would easily go through three times that in a day, although he wasn't paying for it himself (he often got it in place of tips as a tattoo artist).
The thing about humans is that there are jerks everywhere. Everywhere you go there will be violent people, drug-addicts, liars and thieves. There will be people who disrespect others based on gender, or race or sexual orientation. There will be people who hate other people for silly things, like religious beliefs.
The more important thing about humans is that everywhere you go, there will be some few people who are very precious. People with strong values, opinions, morals and truth. There will be people who believe in doing the right thing. There will be people willing to stand up to those who do wrong. There will be people who are loving, understanding, wise and fun.
It doesn't matter where you go, what race the people are, where those people came from, and so on. I grew up in a ghetto of a mostly run-down city. Did I turn out bad?
The trick is to find the people who are worth knowing, regardless of where you are and who you're surrounded by. The girl who left and married that man... You nor I were in their relationship, and we don't know what was really going on. He could have been an obviously violent person from the beginning to you or I, but for some reason she either didn't notice or was fooled, or perhaps she found his aggressive attitude attractive; a lot of women do find aggressive men more attractive. That's how they get themselves hurt.
Your best defense isn't to stick to one race or group of people or location. Your best defense is to look deep into each person's soul that you come into contact with. To look them in the eyes, to study their body language, to notice what they say, and how they say it and when they choose to say it. Is the person controlling? Desperate? Needy? Looking for attention needlessly? Nervous? Agitated? Easily angered by something you said? It's important to notice these things, because sometimes they point to a person who has the capability of killing someone.
Look for people who love themselves, and life and the people around them. You can feel safe with those people. A grateful, loving person is a happy and productive person. The more you can identify these good people on sight, the more safe you'll become, wherever you are. And when you feel safe, you'll be free from fear. Don't let what happened to her make you afraid to go out into the world to learn, grow and love.
Your friend,
Asha