The Entry's Title Appears To Be Missing
Thursday, June 17th 2010 at 5:10pm
Over a week since the last time I wrote for personal purposes in a blog entry style. Sure, I've written short replies to e-mails. Nothing worth posting. I've had no IM conversations worth posting either; in fact, I've hardly had any of those.
I think I may be slowly becoming lonely. Paladin is wrapped up in so many other things inside his head beyond me, and I am wrapped up much by things inside my head beyond him. While all of the thoughts and issues are intertwined, there isn't much 'between' us per-say.
I suppose I feel like our lives aren't unified enough. If that makes sense. We eat together, we sleep together, we share the same apartment, we're growing the same plants together... But... Are we working towards the same future? Does he really want the same things that I want?
I think we want the same things. We have discussed our dreams and hopes at some length...
Oh, what is it that is really bothering me so much?
I tried to get to the heart of it last night while I was talking to Paladin... I ended up saying in conclusion, “I feel that I won't ever be able to do enough for you that I'll be worthy of everything I want from you.” I also said, shortly before coming to that conclusion, “I feel like a burden to you - I know that you don't feel that way about me, but it doesn't stop me from feeling that way about me.”
I'm so torn between doing what I think is best for me in the long run, what's best for him in the long run, what's best for everyone in the long run, and what's easier to do right now - to attend to his or my immediate needs. And worse that just being torn between those is that most of the time I don't know what's best, or what the options are. I feel like I'm making choices, but that I'm making them blindly.
It's as I said to him recently (Tuesday or Wednesday, while we were in a town south of here, staying at a hotel for his work); “At first I tried to change too much too fast. And then I began to realize that I might regret what I was changing later on, and that I should take more time to see what I have first. It's the same as charging in to a different climate and demanding the climate be made just like how it was where you came from. You can't make those kinds of decisions without understanding what you already have. Besides, you might end up deciding you like it just as it is.”
I was referring to a lot of things when I said that. I didn't mention the specifics aloud to him, but rather, let him come to his own conclusions. I was thinking of how much I changed his apartment. I did it so fast. I didn't take time to learn to appreciate the systems he had already going. I just took pride in making things cleaner and unearthing old things of his he had lost or misplaced. While that was all well and good, I displaced many little systems he had going. I didn't know what I was changing. I can't even fully recall how everything looked when I first came here.
I was also referring to changing his attitudes. I rushed in and planted all kinds of crazy seeds in his mind. I made him feel that he would never earn my intimacy without learning to be violent with me. I already am regretting that. I let him in on most of my worst sexual history; my most sadistic and awful actions. Things I should have never done.
I let him in on my most cruel and awful fantasies. It was like I was testing him. Daring him to tell me I was corrupt, twisted and wrong. Perhaps that's exactly what I wanted him to say.
I have thoughts sometimes... Thoughts I don't know how to control. Randomly I have violent thoughts. Snide remarks go off in my head; things I don't really believe. At least, I don't think I really believe these snide remarks...
Paladin said to me last night, “You know you could do a lot better than me.”
I disapproved inwardly of him bringing this to my attention. It stung that I was so compelled to contemplate the concept. I hadn't thought of it since I met him, but at his suggestion that I could do better, all I thought about for a good (or bad) ten minutes, was just that.
I responded with, “By whose standards?” I responded with my clever and thinking part of me, as well as the part of me that rejected the possibility immediately. How was it that I could respond with that part of me, but be consciously thinking with some lusty part of myself that imagined a very sexy toned body on a mystery man who could be mine.
“By anyone's, probably even your own,” he said. He went on to say that this someone could be more passionate (in words I can't quite recall), someone with a foreign accent, and someone with more money. I did mull that over, even though I pretended not to. I dreamed up someone who I would dub better, but it brought me to asking myself, What is it about Paladin that isn't replaceable?
His long beautiful blond hair came to mind. And so I said that even if I did, they wouldn't have his hair. He laughed and suggested that they possibly could. It's unlikely.
I went on to talk about how I had tried looking for men with more money and men over seas. I explained how this hadn't worked out for me. It was a bit of a ramble. I'm sure it wasn't one that was particularly reassuring for him.
I wish he would make me need him more. If that makes any sense. He's so docile. I understand now why women never accept the 'nice' men and while the nice guys always get dumped. Drama connects you more to someone than stability. Contempt and depression chain you to someone more than joy and respect. You are worn down, but you feel trapped. When your relationship is good, you feel free.
Is that what's wrong with me? Do I feel too free?
Maybe. It's really hard to make any sense of.
One thing I've figured out: Thinking about money in pretty much any shape or form really, really stresses me out.