Writing It All Out
Lynx writes me... Ages ago now.
Hi Nuria!
"He seemed troubled by it [the entry I wrote concerning abusive relationships and what it was I desired that was similar to it] more than anything else. He specifically said that the idea of being controlling in such a way made his stomach turn. I'm truly grateful that he has no desire to harm me or limit me in any way, but at the same time I'm worried that I won't adapt to being treated 'right'..."
Not having read your blog, I can't comment on any specifics, but I remain confident that the two of you will eventually reach a balance between yourselves. If Paladin could do what he did with his 'punishment', I believe he does have it in him to fulfill some of your 'darker' needs. And over time, I feel you will also come to appreciate and enjoy being treated 'right', especially if, as you say later, that your desire and craving for these abusive behaviors were 'taught' to you from your past relationships. It may be that deep down, you do desire abusive behavior, but they were reinforced through your relationship history. If so, then perhaps your time with Paladin will help inculcate (hah, I can't remember the last time I've used that word!) a desire for gentler treatment as well.
"I assume you're writing her every day. If you keep mentioning that it pains you to not hear from her and that you worry about her, and she continues to her silence either now, or during a future 'depressive episode' then it's certainly something to be concerned about."
I used to. Nowadays I write to her every two days, providing that I haven't spoken to her that day. I'm wary about coming across as being too 'smothering'; although I feel that what she really needs is somebody to be there for her, I also know that pushing too hard can just drive her further away.
On the subject of 'being concerned', I actually spoke with her today and... I don't know. It feels like there's a distance between us, similar (or even worse) than how it was back when we first started talking to each other. It's like we can't really find much to talk about together; she's really not as much of a gamer as I first thought, but worse, she doesn't volunteer much information, even when prompted. I don't know whether it's because she's very quiet by nature, or whether she's not the typing sort, or something else. It's just... maddening to try to converse with her, but only getting short replies to just about everything.
The strange thing is, despite all of that? I can still sense a kind of attraction and concern between us. For me, at least, there is still a deep desire to want to care for her, to make her happy. (Although sometimes I wonder if that's just my innate protective nature talking.) She says she feels the same way, and that she "hopes she can still make me happy". She also apologized for "being out of it," so I don't know... Maybe she was just being more reticent than usual today due to her depression attack. The good news is she's definitely improved from how she was last week.
Maybe I'm trying to rush this along before things are properly ready. As you said, we may still be growing together, and I know that for her, coming out of a painful breakup, is probably extra hard for her. If nothing else, at the very least our lives have been enriched by having met each other. (That was one of my parting phrases to her. :)
"Next time she says, “I don't want to talk about it,” ask her if it's because she would rather be happy right now and not think about bad thoughts, or if it's because she doesn't feel like she can trust you enough to talk to you about it. If she can't answer that question, then there is a serious problem, perhaps a serious enough problem to not continue to try to have a relationship with her. If she says it's because she wants to be happy, but then doesn't become happy, point that out and tell her that perhaps if she talked about it and got past it, then she could be happy. If she says it's because she doesn't feel close enough to you, ask her why, and see if that goes anywhere."
Yes, that's something I need to keep an eye on. I'll do just that the next time this comes up. Thanks for the advice. :)
"It's important that you make it clear to her that speaking openly is very important to you, and that a relationship can't be healthy unless communication is completely open and uninhibited. While there is such a thing as being insensitive, there shouldn't be a feeling of walking on eggshells."
*nods* I completely agree. Free, open and uninhibited communication is very important to me in a relationship, that feeling that there are absolutely no secrets between us. That feeling, "walking on eggshells", is poisonous because you can never really relax around your beloved if you're always feeling that you have to watch what you say. Still, that was the first and so far only time she's ever blown up at me over a complete misunderstanding. I'll keep monitoring the situation, and see how we go.
"She needs to be trying to make it work somewhere else in her life; in love, in lust, in obsession, in accomplishment - otherwise she'll just keep looking back at what could have been and never get anywhere."
I think that's a major culprit that's causing her depression. From what she's told me, she's had several major setbacks in the last year that's sent her into the depression. Not only did she break up with somebody she'd been with for four years, but she went from that into an unhealthy relationship with a borderline abusive man. Her grandmother also passed away in August last year, and not long afterward, she also had to drop out of her Master's course in primary education for various reasons. So basically, I came into her life at a time when she's probably feeling the lowest and most worthless she's ever been.
I think you're right; she needs direction and something to work on, something that she can succeed and feel pride in, but I myself am not sure about what that should be. (I'm loathe to introduce her to another game, or get her back into WoW, because such addictive past times are very dangerous for a depressed person to get sucked into.)
I think the next time I talk to her, I'm going to try and gently pry into what her next steps in life are going to be. I don't know if she's already doing this, but I agree that she needs to take up some activity or long-term goal that will help her feel like she's... going somewhere in life. The hardest part is getting moving again, especially if you're already depressed and feeling like you can't succeed at anything. It may seem contradictory considering her desire to be a slave, but I strongly feel that unless she feels pride and value in who she is as a human being, the gift of her submission to me is actually... devalued. What meaning is there in the gift of a slave's submission if she doesn't see any value in herself?
"She's showing signs of not knowing herself very well, not being able to go after whatever it is that she wants, not being fully open and honest with others or with herself, not being able to tackle issues with a level head, not being able to let others in when feeling depressed and emotional, letting grief block out love and compassion... She's not letting you help her out of this emotional ditch she's in. It's hard to say how much of that would be because of the distance between you two physically. She could be entirely different in person - for better or for worse."
I think you've hit the nail right on the head, especially what you said about "not letting me help her out of her emotional ditch". I'm inclined to think she'd be much more open in person; she's very much a touch-based person, and I remember during the early days she would often tell me how much she yearned to be held and cuddled, to just sink into that feeling of being protected and wanted and loved. (Wearing only her collar and leash too. *grins wickedly*) Still, I really think she has to make more of an effort in trying to communicate better via chat, because it's what we're stuck with most days when I'm not at home and can't hop on web-cam.
Actually, that reminds me of something. There have been times when she's been reluctant to go on webcam too, feeling like she's not 'attractive enough' that day to show herself. My third love used to have those days too from time to time. Is that... normal behavior for girls? *bemused look* I've told both of them multiple times that I adore looking at them and find them very attractive, regardless of how their hair looks today or whether they have makeup on or not, but they both still seemed to be very hung up about it.
I remember one time my slave even got a little bitchy at me about it, saying that I didn't appreciate her desire to want to look attractive for me. *rolls his eyes* It's not that I don't appreciate it, girl. It's that I like you enough to not mind even if you're not looking your best. Sheesh...
"Psh! Are you kidding? I love the word 'Lynx' itself. It just sounds cool, not to mention how cool looking a Lynx is."
Maybe it's my Dominant side speaking, but I'd still prefer an animal that was more ominous or awe-inspiring. XD
"I want to live to work doing something I love, for someone I love, personally."
That would be ideal, to wake up each morning and look forward to heading into work, another day to put your talents into practice and feel pride in what you've created... But I've come to understand that you don't always get what you want in life, at least career-wise. Not to mention that a lot of people who 'follow their dreams' and pursue creative careers aren't necessarily very well paid.
*wry smile* For example, as I learned back when I was studying my Creative Writing course, unless you're a New York Times bestselling author, a professional, full-time writer is likely to be living at or near the poverty line, just making ends meet. It's not a career to enter if you want a comfortable, luxurious life. It does pay off in job satisfaction, but it also means you're always living on the edge, which can be very risky if you ever get into financial trouble, or when it comes time to raise a family. What I have now isn't the most fulfilling or intellectually/creatively stimulating of jobs, but it's comfortable, steady work that pays the bills and leaves me with a decent leftover, which is more than a lot of people have, so I'm content.
"I can relate. Both Dragon and Porcupine didn't fit in my mouth comfortably at all; and Dragon's girth alone was painful on my jaw. Jamaicans; the stereotypes are true. Great for vaginal sex; but leave oral and anal at the door. *laughs*"
As a lover of all three kinds of penetration, I'm suddenly glad that I'm not on the "well-endowed" end of the scale. *laughs heartily*
"And he's much more fastidious about his hygiene than anyone I was ever with before. He starts to become itchy and uncomfortable due to sweat and hair before I even notice any smell develop. So that makes it quite different in and of itself."
I'm glad that I wash every single day then! *chuckles* I actually spend close to 30 mins in the shower, but I really give myself a good scrubbing all over each time, including all the hard-to-reach places.
"Also, I think a lot of the pleasure comes from the way Paladin orgasms. Unlike most men who usually quietly moan for a moment and then are done... he convulses like he's been electrically shocked, no kidding. And not just for a moment, but for quite some time. Perhaps a full twenty seconds. If you count that out and then imagine a pretty girl riding your cock and then going into spasms where her whole body shook for that entire time you might get an idea of why I enjoy it. :)"
Yes, I can certainly see why. *grins* I wonder if Paladin actually experiences the full release of orgasm over those 20 seconds. Scientifically, the orgasm for men typically only lasts between 3 - 7 seconds (the ejaculation and pleasurable contractions stage), although you didn't specify if his "convulsions" occur during the lead up or aftermath of release.
"Also, I like how you wrote, 'her master, her king, her god...' That's exactly how it feels. Of course you would suck off your god. But you know, probably not your dog."
Hey, some people really, really love their dog! *winks and laughs* I'm glad you understood and appreciated the feeling I was trying to convey though!
"Oh, oh! Me, me - pick me! I want anime for Christmas. *makes big cheesy grin*"
*laughs heartily* Hmm, who knows? I could manage something this year, if I had an address and knowledge of what kind of anime you enjoyed. ;)
"Indeed. It's nice to have someone to talk about Paladin to. I can't exactly discuss my issues or joys at his punishments or lack thereof with anyone else. *laughs*"
Likewise. :) There's only two (well, maybe three) people that I feel truly comfortable talking to about intimate knowledge and BDSM. One is you, the second is my third love, and the third is my first love, although I talk with her so infrequently that it's practically a moot point. I can talk with my latest slave about topics like these, but... I don't know. I might just be reading too much into it, but I always feel like I'm being... "assessed" whenever I do.
"It sounds like your third love was quite the amazing woman and that it's going to be a hard going to really replace her. Hopefully your new slave is just going through a rough patch and will come out of it soon, but her behavior does make me question her ability to be a good slave."
She is a truly amazing, wonderful woman (despite her "cheating" on me), and I still deeply regret that things didn't work out between us. *sighs deeply* I am, however, profoundly grateful that we are still close friends, and that we can still talk about many of the things we used to discuss.
I really do feel that my new slave has tremendous potential, if only she could learn to be more open with me, and wasn't overly sensitive.
“I turned everything that hurt me into a sexual act so that it couldn't hurt me anymore. And now I'm not sure where the challenge is... I think I may even miss trying to figure out how to 'fix' my man. Now the challenge is how to deal with my own cravings. Now I'm the one who is damaged. It's rather bewildering.”
Interesting... It's as if you view yourself as a kind of combination martyr/savior; by submitting to the excesses and worst behavior of your mate, you hope to ease the spiritual or emotional burden on them, while slowly guiding them to a more fulfilling life. But you're right; now you're the one who is 'damaged', which is quite a change in the relationship dynamic for you. *grins*
"So far I've loved all of his punishments. Even when they hurt to the point where I beg for mercy, when he stops I wonder why he didn't push me harder. I know I must look so miserable, but when it stops I want to be so drained and in so much pain that it's a tremendous relief. It's most satisfying that way. ... I told him last night he shouldn't worry about how much he's hurting me unless I'm in tears. It was a bold thing to say, but I want to give him confidence."
I wonder if you've influenced me on this! I remember once telling you that I do not like seeing tears in my beloved's eyes, but after reading the above... I suddenly conjured up this mental image of my slave, naked, bound and gagged, bent over one of those kneeling chairs (I actually found some examples of them online! I'm determined to get one of them one day; they're perfect for restraining a slave on for punishment. *wicked grin* Good position that exposes her back and ass, and plenty of tie-off points to keep her restrained and held open too. Plus, the padding on the chair allows her to sit there comfortably for long periods of time), her body shaking with sobs and shivers, moaning through her gag for mercy as I contemplate the reddened skin on her back and ass where I've whipped her hard... And I found myself growing hard at the thought. It was just... a situation of complete Dominance and power. Very satisfying.
"It's nice to be writing again. I have written a lot in letters and blog entries the past few days, and it feels good."
Yeah. It's nice to be able to stretch the creative muscles. I've been doing a fair bit of writing for my D&D campaign lately. Recently I finished an encounter that plays out in a shipwreck, filled with hateful undead. I've missed writing horror-style adventures. *grin*
Anyway, time to close this letter. It's been great talking with you again, Nuria. :) I look forward to hearing from you again soon!
Your friend and fellow journeyman on the road to Kinky Fulfillment,
Lynx
I wrote him a quick reply around a week or so ago...
Lynx,
I've been feeling very extroverted lately; so much so that I have been doing little to no personal writing; not even letter-writing of a personal nature. I've been busy in combination with wanting to branch out and reach new places. I'm sorry that I've neglected to write you because of that.
Things have been balancing out very nicely. I feel less desire/need to be 'hurt' lately. Things are so good just being 'normal' that I feel less need for things most people would consider 'abnormal' if that makes sense.
I'll try to make the time and mental space for a real reply later on today or tomorrow.
~Nuria Asha
He wrote me within the last week...
Hi Nuria,
Going through an extroverted phase, are we? I can't say I've ever had one of those; I'm far too much of a hermit/recluse to really do that. Still, don't worry too much about the delay in your response; I'm just glad that it hasn't been due to problems or negative issues.
I looked at the blog entry you originally mentioned regarding craving abusive behavior. I can see why Paladin would have found such a revelation disquieting, but all the same… I don’t think what you want is a truly abusive relationship. You crave certain aspects of what might be described as abusive behavior, but the feeling I’m getting is that while you enjoy experiencing such behavior, you still want the underlying emotions and motivation behind such activities to be love. It’s sounds very paradoxical on the surface, and I’d be hard pressed to really explain it properly to somebody who didn’t feel an affinity for D/s relationships the way we do, but I do understand what you were trying to convey.
I’m pleased to hear that things seem to be balancing out between you and Paladin too, and that you’re learning to find appreciation and contentment in ‘traditional’ displays and outlets for love. Congratulations to the two of you on the engagement rings too! *smiles brightly* It is very much a nice feeling to have a physical object, a concrete display, if you will, of one’s love for each other.
Anyway, I'd best get back to my work now. I look forward to your longer reply later!
Your friend,
Lynx
P.S. I got the impression from reading some of your blog entries that Snow Leopard is the lady with whom you're trying to start a poly-relationship with. I hope it works out well for all of you! *smiles warmly*
I finally get around to a real reply;
June 18th 2010 at 9:13am;
Lynx,
“Over time, I feel you will also come to appreciate and enjoy being treated 'right', especially if, as you say later, that your desire and craving for these abusive behaviors were 'taught' to you from your past relationships. It may be that deep down, you do desire abusive behavior, but they were reinforced through your relationship history. If so, then perhaps your time with Paladin will help inculcate a desire for gentler treatment as well.”
I think you're exactly right about that. I'm coming to feel that the way he treats me naturally is quite a gift and that I need to learn to appreciate it more. I'm actually quite regretful of how fast I tried to push a dominate/submissive slant on our relationship. I didn't take the time to get to know him just as he was before trying to push new habits on him.
“Maybe I'm trying to rush this along before things are properly ready. As you said, we may still be growing together, and I know that for her, coming out of a painful breakup, is probably extra hard for her. If nothing else, at the very least our lives have been enriched by having met each other.”
It's good you can look at it in that light. You know that you've both learned things and grown from each other, even if it doesn't get to the next level. That's good.
“That feeling, "walking on eggshells", is poisonous because you can never really relax around your beloved if you're always feeling that you have to watch what you say.”
Indeed. That's how things were with Dragon and I. I was always afraid of sparking an argument. And with Porcupine, in some ways, it was worse, because often he would outright leave because of something I said. It's a terrible feeling, and it's a real gift to not have to worry about it anymore for me.
“I'm loathe to introduce her to another game, or get her back into World of Warcraft, because such addictive past times are very dangerous for a depressed person to get sucked into.”
It's true, but sometimes it's just what you need. My brother and Parakeet have both recently began playing World of Warcraft. They're both at low points in life as well. I started playing while I was between relationships and feeling depressed. I quit when my life started looking up again. The issue is the people who don't know how to quit - ever. And who spend all of their time on it and don't spend any time on really healing. It's a good way to keep from excess worrying, and a way to feel some accomplishment without having to work very hard at it. It's not a replacement for life; and sometimes very depressed people can get confused about what life is and isn't.
“What meaning is there in the gift of a slave's submission if she doesn't see any value in herself?”
That is an excellent point.
“There have been times when she's been reluctant to go on webcam too, feeling like she's not 'attractive enough' that day to show herself. My third love used to have those days too from time to time. Is that... normal behavior for girls? *bemused look* I've told both of them multiple times that I adore looking at them and find them very attractive, regardless of how their hair looks today or whether they have makeup on or not, but they both still seemed to be very hung up about it.”
Most women seem to need constant reassurance that they're attractive to really feel that they are. In fact, it may even be most people. And if not most, then certainly a very large portion of them. I know that I only feel attractive via being told that I am constantly. I always felt ugly and unattractive before Porcupine. He did a lot for my self-esteem and ego in that regard. He told me that I was beautiful several times a day for months before it really began to sink in. Beyond that, the porn that he watched often had girls in them that looked a lot like myself. He didn't like porn of girls who are considered 'outrageously beautiful' - he genuinely felt that the 'girl-next-door look' was better.
The fact that he felt that way truly was very good for my spirits. It's actually been a hard blow to my ego to fully understand how much more appealing Paladin would find me if I put on a lot of muscle - enough so that I would have hard toned abs and defined arms. I'd really like to do that for him, but I just don't have much interest in working out beyond yoga. I've tried to become interested in it. The only way to motivate myself to really get exercise is by going out. Ice skating, going dancing, even taking dance classes or martial arts or something. But all of that costs money, and the budget is tight enough as it is.
“What I have now isn't the most fulfilling or intellectually/creatively stimulating of jobs, but it's comfortable, steady work that pays the bills and leaves me with a decent leftover, which is more than a lot of people have, so I'm content.”
That's just the issue - I can't be content with that. Mostly because any work where I have to leave the house and be somewhere for eight hours is very stressful for me most of the time. Some days I could handle it, but other days (especially around the beginning of my period) I just absolutely can't. When I was working my web-design job back in my Senior year of high school I often would head to the bathroom and just cry because I was so stressed out.
I've come to realize that when I think, “I'm doing this for the money,” I automatically become a more stressed and less happy person. It makes me feel devalued, unimportant, replaceable, and like I'm not doing anything. And just that feeling makes me so tired and drained that by the time I return from a four or five-hour workday I'm so exhausted that I waste the entire rest of my day.
In contrast, I feel so fulfilled when I'm doing something for someone I love that I get up early when I don't absolutely have to. I make breakfast, lunch and dinner instead of just grabbing the fastest snack. I have energy almost everyday, all-day, instead of reaching exhaustion over and over again. And I actually do so much more.
Because I feel this way about it, I resent the entire system for making people so useless. I think the mentality of needing that steady work that pays with a 'decent leftover' is harmful to all of society and all people as a whole. The chances are that there is room enough for everyone to have a job that they enjoyed doing if only we had enough communication, education and compassion to implement something like that world-wide. It makes me sad to really think about it much.
“Yes, I can certainly see why. *grins* I wonder if Paladin actually experiences the full release of orgasm over those 20 seconds. Scientifically, the orgasm for men typically only lasts between 3 and 7 seconds (the ejaculation and pleasurable contractions stage), although you didn't specify if his "convulsions" occur during the lead up or aftermath of release.”
I've wondered about that as well. They seem to start about three to six seconds before he actually ejaculates, and then continue for another five to fifteen seconds after depending on how powerful his orgasm is. I think that he's somehow naturally mastered some tantra techniques. There is an art of lengthening a male's orgasm that I've read quite a bit about in my reading of tantra techniques. I asked him about it, and he said that he can barely even tell the when he's ejaculating. The moment he begins to convulse he's off in la-la land, and has no awareness of anything around him until he stops. If I were an assassin, my job would have been very easy. (The only reason that comes to mind is because I'm reading a series by Steven Brust about a character named Vladimir Taltos who is an assassin. It's an excellent series.)
On the topic of Anime. My favorite four animes from my most favorite to my fourth favorite are as follows; Fullmetal Alchemist, Death Note, Ghost in the Shell and Gunslinger Girl. Perhaps then would come Samurai Champloo or Spirited Away. The only anime I actually own on DVD is the “The Conqueror of Shamballa” which is the 'movie' ending to the first Fullmetal Alchemist Series. Although, I believe Paladin has the movie 'Spirited Away' on DVD around here somewhere.
I loved Fullmetal Alchemist for a few reasons; The characters are deep and interesting and they grow a lot throughout the series. I love that the plot is thick and something you can really sink your teeth into. It's like watching a fantasy novel more than most typical shows. I love the system of the alchemy. I love the deep meanings behind what is happening, the moral questions that are raised, and how much the series makes you think, wonder and feel inspired. I love that the series can be violent without being dark, morbid or gruesome.
I loved Death Note so much because it had an amazing battle of wills between two dynamic characters, both who were right, but in different ways. I love how their face off takes place, and how clever both of them are, and how they both think of such amazing plots and schemes to get at each other. I loved the music - best music in any show ever, in my opinion. I loved the plot. I loved the deep, difficult questions that it raised about justice, society and morality. I loved how it made me wrack my brain for answers to these questions it raised. It actually changed my perspective about 'right and wrong' a lot.
I loved Ghost in the Shell just for the concepts it presented. The characters were older, and already set in their ways. They don't grow much in the series. The series is mostly about ideas and concepts and possibilities. It makes you think about the possible futures for our planet considering the way it's going now, and how corrupt things appear on the surface and what they are deep down within the system.
Gunslinger Girl I liked fully because of the characters of the little girls. An organization takes little girls on the brink of death and gives them new robotic parts and turns them into killers. Each little girl has a 'handler' - a man who is a trained killer who has to look after them. These girls are put through 'conditioning' that makes them trust and obey their 'handler.' The show doesn't go into the sexual implications that could be laid upon the series, but it goes very, very deep into how much these girls need to please their handlers. They each are unique little girls, with their own personalities, but each of them shares a desperate need to be useful and pleasing to their handlers. Their personalities are what do it for me. I relate, of course.
I never saw all of One Piece, but I appreciated it's silly humor. It was goofy without being downright stupid. I liked that. I also mostly liked Samurai Champloo because of it's interesting sort of humor. I watched and liked Ergo Proxy, but it wasn't something I feel is worth watching again. It was a slow-paced sci-fi setting that was interesting enough to watch all the way through, but nothing to go down in history. I didn't like the long-time favorite anime movie of many people, “Akira.” I found it boring, brutal and not that good. I liked 'Berserk' up until the brutal and pointless ending of the series. I watched a little bit of 'Wolf's Rain' and found it a bit boring and stereotypical in too many ways.
That should probably give you a good overview of my taste.
“Interesting... It's as if you view yourself as a kind of combination martyr/savior; by submitting to the excesses and worst behavior of your mate, you hope to ease the spiritual or emotional burden on them, while slowly guiding them to a more fulfilling life. But you're right; now you're the one who is 'damaged', which is quite a change in the relationship dynamic for you.”
With Dragon, it actually worked. And he thanked me over and over and over again after I broke up with him. I really did show him many of his errors. By loving him, and believing in him and showing him examples of a different way of life I really did make a difference. It hurt that I couldn't do the same for Wolf or Porcupine. It still hurts.
And now... Now I'm the one who has all the issues it seems. I now understand why Porcupine had so much difficulty with much of what I said. It's really hard to feel guilt like this. To feel like you're a burden, to feel like you're not good enough, to feel like you don't deserve what you're being given. And beyond that, Porcupine had to add that to an already damaged ego. I would have likely done better for him to feed his ego constantly and very, very, very rarely point out a flaw or two. If he hurt anything like I hurt when Paladin points out one of my mistakes, then I now understand why he became more and more unmanageable.
When Paladin even jokes about me possibly not doing something well enough for him, I feel tears building up behind my eyes. I've never felt such a desperate need to be good enough for anyone - except for parents when I was little. It can be very painful.
I don't know how much of an issue that may develop into in the future, or if it will just fade away. But I know I'm committed to working it out regardless, and he is too. We're actually going to get married Monday - not legally, but officially enough for us, and for now. There will be vows and dressing up and healthy treats involved. And a certificate that isn't legal, but legitimate in it's own right.
I'm quite pleased, overall.
I'm glad I took this time to write to you. I've realized that I've been stressing myself out through not writing in my blog or to you, and that I've been spending too much time worrying about money and the future and obscure possibilities. I feel much better now.
~Nuria Asha