The People Who Matter Most
Monday, November 2nd 2009 at 3:08pm
Late last night I wrote:
“I can't stand this single-dom. Today was exactly eight months from the day I left my ex. It even was a Sunday that I left him. March 1st.. The same day (incidentally) that the house fire happened when I was 14. Both blessings and curses at the same time.
“I still think about my ex a lot, and how things were. I really didn't expect to be alone this long, but nobody it really perking my interest. There are suitors, but another one hit the dust just now actually. We were discussing meeting, but I got on cam with him tonight and... he's so immature. He's twenty-five but seems like he's seventeen to me.
“Sure, he's cute, but he's just a kid, and I don't want to meet him and have to go through the whole pretending thing. I'm already going to have to somehow get out of meeting him by avoiding him online. It just seems so rude to say, "Sorry, you're too immature for me." Of course, it's also rude to avoid or ignore someone.”
Unfortunately my friend front barely exists. It's more like a friend side, than a friend front. (Because they're on the side lines of my life, and not the front lines helping me defend against negative impacts.)
My favorite people in the world are as follows (in no particular order other than whimsy; also with animal names I call them in my blog.)
Pony: I love her to death. She's a beautiful young blond a year younger than me. She's still a virgin and dating one of my other favorite people who is also a virgin. But she's busy with college and learning Chinese. She has dorm friends and family, and her boyfriend's friends and family, and she goes to college on the entire other side of the city so it's a twenty minute drive (or more) for either of us to visit each other. She's usually too busy to call or write, although I know she does care about me. (She gave me the book "One Thousand Splendid Suns" early on after we met because she had been touched by it and wanted me to be touched too. And she made me a custom rice-bag for x-mas. Two of the most thoughtful gifts I've ever received.)
Hedgehog: I love him to death as well. Hedgehog however chose to start a relationship with Pony shortly after meeting her. This devastated me, and was a factor in my leaving Porcupine. I figured if I was that upset about Hedgehog, then it really was time to leave the relationship. Looking back on it, this was hasty and stupid. Hedgehog and I have tons in common, but he is also in college, and spends a lot of time doing things with Pony that is appropriately just the two of them. He doesn't write or call anymore at all, less than Pony even, which kinda irks me, but ah well.
Porcupine: My third love, the ex whose ghost I can't remove. I've seen him twice in the last forty days, each for only a few hours. He's met a new girl (who I've dubbed Goldfish - because she's the easy way out) and he really has no need for me at all. He doesn't return my calls and letters, and I know it's a hopeless case, but I feel so much regret towards how things between him and I turned out, I just can't seem to stop trying to contact and connect with him, hopeless as it is.
Wolf: My first love, and my best friend. The only person I could say would be there for me in a state of emotional emergency. Despite having a girlfriend who he loves, who loves him, who hates me, he still visits me at least weekly, generally early in the morning. We talk about everything, but often he gets bitter because he still wants me back, and I just can't accept him for who he is. He's broke, and unemployed, and aspires to be a househusband - preferably my house husband. >.< If this wasn't incompatibility enough, he smokes pot, drinks and has a collection of loser friends that I don't want in my house, and a family that is in and out of jail and requires his moral support and physical help entirely too often. And beyond all of that, I don't find him attractive, and can't sleep with him without feeling gross.
Parrot & Parakeet: I've known Parrot for a long time now via my mother. He's a guy in his twenties whose entirely too naïve in the ways of love, and entirely too dorky looking in the face (and a bit socially awkward in the way he speaks). We're friends because we both have a love of board games, and share a competitive nature. His latest girlfriend, Parakeet (the second one I've ever seen him with), is a wonderful woman (although she's a sore loser and a bit cynical in general) who also loves board games. And the three of us and my mother play board games generally about once a week together. This makes for a great night of gaming but usually (and preferably) goes no where near my relationship issues.
Centaur: An awesome guy I've never met in person. Virtually everything I want, and on top of that he's very handsome. We've been talking on instant messenger for a very long time now, but he remains firmly loyal and happy with his current girlfriend. There doesn't seem to be any real problems in their relationship, so I don't expect him to become single and interested in me anytime in the near future.
Angelfish: She's a chatty older woman who I think wants me. She's very beautiful for her age, and I've considered her seriously. We have a lot in common, but at the same time, I feel like there is some sort of disconnect when we're together. Perhaps it's just my imagination, and maybe it's because she's so chatty that a lot of what she says comes off as fake, but while I feel much more comfortable with her than I do with most, it's still not the sort of comfort one needs to have a relationship. Also, I can't see myself having anything other than a fling with a woman in her forties, and a fling isn't what I want or need in my life. I've only hung out with her three times thus far, but I can see us spending a day in two weeks or even every week eventually. Although, her unreliability and tendency to be late might be a cause for us not be as close in the future as we otherwise could be.
And that pretty much sums that up. Besides them I hang out with my mom and my brother two or three times a week, and my father perhaps once in two weeks. My niece and nephew come over to visit their father, grandparents and I perhaps once a month, sometimes more often, and I hang out with them for a couple hours. But that's pretty much the extent of my social life.
Wednesday, November 4th 2009 at 12:52pm
Someone was telling me that they had ADHD. I told them that ADHD isn't real. It's just from the diet that everybody eats. It's usually just hormone dysfunction - generally insulin dysfunction. Studies have shown that changing to an whole-foods diet either reduces or completely eliminates symptoms.
Okay, it's real, but it's not some irreversible thing that people are born with. Most people who are "lactose intolerant" and anybody with IBS also just needed to stop eating bull shit all day. Even diabetes. It's all reversible.
I've seen it with my own eyes, and in many cases, experienced it. Years of research, and self study, and experimentation and running in health related circles have brought me to the conclusion that... you really are what you eat, and most people eat poison.
"So would some people have a natural predisposition to getting it when they eat badly, and others that eat the same would not get it?"
Genetics do play a factor.
When you're in the womb, you suck nutrients out of your mom, which is why some women after pregnancy have serious back issues, and gain weight. As a baby, you take the calcium out of her bones if she doesn't provide enough in her diet (and she undoubtedly doesn't since very few people on the planet consume enough calcium and magnesium - which by the way, isn't processed correctly or as efficiently when it comes from milk).
Those nutrients that you start out with are enough to get a long ways. Also, it depends on how tainted the genetics are. The third generation of boxed-foods and lack of exercise is going to have weaker genetics than those in the first generation. This was proved in the Pottinger Cats study. (Something interesting to look up.)
Dr. Mark Hyman explains that certain genes can actually be turned on or off - activated or deactivated. If you have genes that lead to diabetes (which everyone in my family does) then if you eat a lot of sugar, you will get diabetes. If you don't eat a lot of sugar, then you won't. And by a lot of sugar, I mean any refined sugar at all.
Some people's genetics combined with what the mother can offer cause people to be born with problems right off the bat. Others start off so well, that despite eating like shit, don't have problems until they've over forty. But we'll be seeing very little of that with the children of America, who are now 3rd and 4th generation of shit-food.
In my own personal circumstances, my mother didn't have enough, and my genetics weren't great, and I spent most of my childhood being sick. I got mono four times. I got strep throat two or three times a year under the age of fourteen. I got chicken pox twice. I was tired constantly under the age of seventeen. I was depressed all the time between the ages of 9 and fourteen; to the point where my school sent me into counseling. I suddenly went lactose intolerant at sixteen. I suddenly had IBS at sixteen. I gained weight rapidly after I hit my teenager years.
Not a single one of these problems still effects me today, besides the depression which has only returned because I hate being single so damn much. What changed? My diet did.
I've met very few people in my life who I could say were in good health. Despite how insane I am about food and living healthy, I'm still only like half way there. Most people are like... At 5% healthy... I should make a chart. Like in percentages the parts of being wholly healthy and then also label the benefits of being a certain percentage of healthy.
I've noticed that the few people I've met who are in truly good healthy bounce from their toes with energy, have no wrinkles despite advantaged age, have toned normal-sized muscles, clear skin, an unoffensive body odor without deodorant, have better intuition, are more happy overall, sleep easily at night, are unaffected by things that annoy and harm other people (loud music, bright light, weather changes).... The list goes on and on.
"Better intuition? That'd be scarily fun to have! Since I've got a talent where I can "jump" to a conclusion given only a few bits of information. I would love to improve that. There are a few prerequisites for it, like I need to know the person, and a bit of the subject, but once they're met, someone can start explaining a new idea to me, and I'll "jump" and see the rest of the idea."
That could be explained away by saying that you're intelligent, and so could intuition, but personally I believe in another realm where all information is available to everyone, if only we can tap into it. The healthier the brain, the more able it is to connect with that well of information.
No matter if you believe in another realm beyond the liminal or not, case studies show time and time again that people report that their intuition (or spiritual abilities) are heightened from eating better. Some people simply describe their deductive abilities as being more precise. Any way you choose to look at it; eating better makes you smarter.
Wednesday, November 4th 2009 at 10:08pm
I'm not currently sleeping with Wolf - I should have said that, but it's happened a lot in the past. Honestly, I really, really, don't want to sleep with Wolf. I don't... I can't enjoy it anymore, and have not been able to for a long time now. It's just weird, awkward, etc. For a while I actually believed that Wolf and his girlfriend would eventually work things out, possibly get married, have kids... But that's not going to happen. They do love each other, but it's incredibly tainted. For her, it's because she can't trust him (because of me obviously), and from him, it's because she's... dumb. She's just intellectually incredibly dumb. She has life experience, and is capable of taking care of herself, but beyond that, she's the dumbest person I've ever known. The reason they ended up becoming a couple was because she was there for him when he left me, and they just never broke up (permanently anyway, they've broken up a few times.)
In terms of cheating.... I don't believe that cheating means someone doesn't love the other person. I believe that it's so much more complex and a lot of factors come into play. One, there is lust. If one person has a high libido and the other doesn't, then there is a high chance that the person with a high libido is going to at least be tempted to cheat. Two, discipline. If someone very attractive comes along, and if you're not getting as much sex as you want in your relationship, can you stop yourself? What if they threw themselves at you? Some people don't have the discipline; and that is a personality flaw, not necessarily a lack of love. Although love can be a great motivation to learn discipline - as it was for me. When I was fifteen, I cheated on Wolf. I felt terrible about it, but I was always horny, and the sex was available, and I had no discipline, and on top of that I had no appreciation for the love I had for Wolf... Until he left me. Changed me dramatically.
A third factor is someone's personal moral values. Some people hold cheating as one of the worst sins imaginable. It does cause a great deal of pain to the person being cheated on in the event that they find out, or that you confess. That pain that is caused is the part that makes it wrong. But I think there are things that can happen that can cause a lot greater pain, and I also think that the amount of pain causes also varies. Personally for me, it would be a huge affront because I like to go out of my way to be pleasurable in the bedroom. When I was with Porcupine (who had an insane libido), I had sex with him nearly every day to keep him pleased, often dressed up as gothic whore, or just dressed up nice in general. I played roles that he found arousing, sometimes we played some sort of heavy metal music, sometimes we did it high... It was rarely dull, despite the amount of it. So if he had cheated, it would have been a huge blow because it meant that all my effort could be bested by some random chick.
All of that said, I don't feel that cheating is the world's biggest sin. In fact, I think having the discipline and honor not to cheat, ever, is a rare gift that most people do not have. Just because someone never gets caught and never admits to it doesn't mean they never have, and I really think that it's much more rare than we think it is. The stigma about cheating drives people to lie endlessly. The problem is the monogamy is not something humans naturally desire sexually. Especially men. The natural instinct is to knock as many women up as possible. For women, the instinct is a little more complex because they're looking subconsciously for what they consider a good father (which is confounded by whatever their father was like.)
The conclusion is the same as it has been for almost all of human history. Man and woman get married and have kids, and man has concubines on the side. Unfortunately, since women got their rights and were suddenly viewed as being equal to man (not that it was truly sudden, but in the time line of humanity, it's very abrupt and recent), a lot of negative side effects have taken place. Now women are expected to have jobs and raise children and keep house. This is insane, as anyone can point out. But on the monogamy aspect, men are expected to be able to keep it in their pants just because women can and usually prefer to. This makes sense in light of disease and protecting the feelings of your loved one, but the question must be raised: should the loved one's feelings be hurt?
My answer is conditional: their feelings should only be hurt if they're having sex with their man. If they are (at least once a week), then they have every reason to be pissed off. If their was no condom involved, then they have every right to divorce him (because obviously he's a 'tard if he didn't use a condom.) If the woman however isn't giving her man any sex, and he goes and cheats on her, then there is a serious problem, but nothing unexpected, and nothing worth breaking up over. And I think that this is something that needs to be socially understood. Sexual urges are insanely difficult to control, and being that I was in a position where I couldn't control mine, I am very understanding to those who are controlled by theirs. (Understanding however does not mean condoning however.)
As the case is, Wolf isn't getting any from his girlfriend. She's very short tempered, and spends most of her time with him yelling at him even when he hasn't done anything wrong. Neither of them have very many redeeming qualities. For Wolf, his only redeeming qualities is his ability to care and be there for someone, and being able to think in a way that makes the less obvious to everyone else, obvious to him. Although his intelligence is slowly slipping as he spends more years as pothead cooped up with that woman. Truly, neither of them are capable of replacing the other. They literally may each be the best fish the other can catch, so it's only natural that they continue to battle it out. Although I feel sorry for both of them.