me and jealousy
At first I thought only fatesfolly was going to reply to my post asking about jealousy, but a couple more have trickled in too. Anyone else? I'm curious to hear how people feel.
For myself it's pretty rare that I feel any strong or persistent jealousy, but it does happen and the past year or so has given me ample motivation to think about why.
What makes me jealous? When I want things I'm not getting in a friendship or relationship and something reminds me of those things, I might get jealous. "Things I want" might mean spending a little time with me, becoming close friends with me, playing with me, getting involved with me and so forth. The more I want the thing the stronger the jealously might be. I say "might" because just wanting something isn't nearly enough to make me jealous. If I think what I hope for will come to pass bearably soon then I probably won't be jealous. Also if I'm sure the person would truly like to give what I want then I'm unlikely to be jealous. This could be as trivial as being sure they really did want to come to my party or as serious as being sure they would want to be involved with me, if our situation was different. Even when I do want more than the other person I'm usually ok with that, as long as we have good communication. It isn't easy for everyone but if they are ok with talking about how we do and don't feel about each other I'm usually fine, even if I would like much more than they want. Being sure of how someone feels about me is far more important to me than having them reciprocate or being able to act on our feelings.
Potentially I could be a very jealous person, and in years past I was, but now I seldom feel any non-trivial jealousy. Many things have changed over time but one is noteworthy: I try to make sure I only let myself get close to people who can make their feelings clear to me, via words, actions or both.
fatesfolly wrote:
> It basically boils down to low self esteem. :(
>
> [...]
>
> It's not pretty, I'm far from proud of it, and it's probably my biggest flaw.
What jealousy I do have is due to low self esteem too. I'm better than before but can still be needy with some people. Having to give constant reassurance will drive anyone crazy so I try to surround myself with people whose behavior naturally assures me of how they feel, without extra effort on their part. People like that feel comfortable to me. They might enjoy talking about their feelings, or behave in a way that clearly and consistently shows how they feel about me; most people I'm close to do both. In those cases I can be ok with a big difference between what I want and what they want. Having strong feelings for someone is a happy thing for me, so as long as they aren't not causing problems I can enjoy those feelings even if they're unreciprocated.
When someone is inconsistent or unclear I get uncomfortable. If I don't want much from them it's no big deal, but otherwise it's very NOT ok. That's about the only situation where I'm at all likely to feel nontrivial or persistent jealousy. When it happens I try to work on my expectations and reduce "what I want" down to "very little". Usually that works but sometimes I can't manage that, and in those cases I try to remove myself from the situation as much as possible.
> My green eyed monster rears his head when I feel threatened by another or
> if I think someone else is taking my place. There's also a competetive
> streak in me a mile wide, so if someone challenges me and I feel they are
> superior (perceived or real), I get jealous. Any inconsistency in
> affection is scrutinized for what I think the other is getting more than me.
I'm a little different. I'm not very competitive, so as long as I'm happy with what I'm getting I rarely get jealous over what others get. The potential exceptions are my most important relationships, where I'm my partner's most important partner. In those cases I might insist that my partner at least offer me whatever they give anyone else, if it's something I want. For example I don't like camping so a partner camping with someone else is fine by me, but I love San Francisco and might be hurt if a partner went with someone else but didn't want to go with me. Still, even with things I do want I often don't mind if someone else gets it and I don't. A key part of poly is recognizing that for some people no one partner can fill all needs, so I don't feel too badly when I can't fill all my partner's needs. I guess this is an area where I could potentially be jealous, but it doesn't often happen.
In my most important relationships I sometimes go even further and insist that some things be reserved for me alone. This isn't uncommon in poly relationships. Placing limits like this can be done out of jealousy, but it doesn't have to be that way. Instead it can be a bonding / posession thing, with obvious D/s overtones. In the right context placing limits on your partner or submitting to the limits they put on you creates a strong, positive feeling of connection. In different situations I can really enjoy being on either side of that dynamic.
For myself it's pretty rare that I feel any strong or persistent jealousy, but it does happen and the past year or so has given me ample motivation to think about why.
What makes me jealous? When I want things I'm not getting in a friendship or relationship and something reminds me of those things, I might get jealous. "Things I want" might mean spending a little time with me, becoming close friends with me, playing with me, getting involved with me and so forth. The more I want the thing the stronger the jealously might be. I say "might" because just wanting something isn't nearly enough to make me jealous. If I think what I hope for will come to pass bearably soon then I probably won't be jealous. Also if I'm sure the person would truly like to give what I want then I'm unlikely to be jealous. This could be as trivial as being sure they really did want to come to my party or as serious as being sure they would want to be involved with me, if our situation was different. Even when I do want more than the other person I'm usually ok with that, as long as we have good communication. It isn't easy for everyone but if they are ok with talking about how we do and don't feel about each other I'm usually fine, even if I would like much more than they want. Being sure of how someone feels about me is far more important to me than having them reciprocate or being able to act on our feelings.
Potentially I could be a very jealous person, and in years past I was, but now I seldom feel any non-trivial jealousy. Many things have changed over time but one is noteworthy: I try to make sure I only let myself get close to people who can make their feelings clear to me, via words, actions or both.
fatesfolly wrote:
> It basically boils down to low self esteem. :(
>
> [...]
>
> It's not pretty, I'm far from proud of it, and it's probably my biggest flaw.
What jealousy I do have is due to low self esteem too. I'm better than before but can still be needy with some people. Having to give constant reassurance will drive anyone crazy so I try to surround myself with people whose behavior naturally assures me of how they feel, without extra effort on their part. People like that feel comfortable to me. They might enjoy talking about their feelings, or behave in a way that clearly and consistently shows how they feel about me; most people I'm close to do both. In those cases I can be ok with a big difference between what I want and what they want. Having strong feelings for someone is a happy thing for me, so as long as they aren't not causing problems I can enjoy those feelings even if they're unreciprocated.
When someone is inconsistent or unclear I get uncomfortable. If I don't want much from them it's no big deal, but otherwise it's very NOT ok. That's about the only situation where I'm at all likely to feel nontrivial or persistent jealousy. When it happens I try to work on my expectations and reduce "what I want" down to "very little". Usually that works but sometimes I can't manage that, and in those cases I try to remove myself from the situation as much as possible.
> My green eyed monster rears his head when I feel threatened by another or
> if I think someone else is taking my place. There's also a competetive
> streak in me a mile wide, so if someone challenges me and I feel they are
> superior (perceived or real), I get jealous. Any inconsistency in
> affection is scrutinized for what I think the other is getting more than me.
I'm a little different. I'm not very competitive, so as long as I'm happy with what I'm getting I rarely get jealous over what others get. The potential exceptions are my most important relationships, where I'm my partner's most important partner. In those cases I might insist that my partner at least offer me whatever they give anyone else, if it's something I want. For example I don't like camping so a partner camping with someone else is fine by me, but I love San Francisco and might be hurt if a partner went with someone else but didn't want to go with me. Still, even with things I do want I often don't mind if someone else gets it and I don't. A key part of poly is recognizing that for some people no one partner can fill all needs, so I don't feel too badly when I can't fill all my partner's needs. I guess this is an area where I could potentially be jealous, but it doesn't often happen.
In my most important relationships I sometimes go even further and insist that some things be reserved for me alone. This isn't uncommon in poly relationships. Placing limits like this can be done out of jealousy, but it doesn't have to be that way. Instead it can be a bonding / posession thing, with obvious D/s overtones. In the right context placing limits on your partner or submitting to the limits they put on you creates a strong, positive feeling of connection. In different situations I can really enjoy being on either side of that dynamic.