A report on the sleep-training

[nlazarus]

So, we had a big debate about sleep-training, when I started it with Elizabeth a few months ago. We decided to sleep-train her because I found that I was spending the vast majority of the day putting her down for naps or bed, and then getting her up when she cried, letting her play a bit and trying again. Putting her down involved cuddling and

Comments

Hopefully I'm not jsut repeating myself, but apparently I can't just leave it alone :P

[fruitkakechevy]

Maybe it's the difference between nursing to sleep (contains sleep-inducing stuff) and bottles (I remember you had a hard time with nursing, and did all you could). Maybe it's cosleeping vs cribs. Maybe it's my trust that Josh will sleep when he's tired, or catch up the next day. Maybe it's my rabid dislike of any sort of schedule to my life that Must Be Followed Or Dire Consequences Ensue. Maybe it's because I don't have anything scheduled during the day that I can't cancel, or bring a tired baby to so that he'll nurse to sleep in my lap or walk to sleep in a carrier. Maybe it's my trust that any problem we're having will be short-lived and is developmentally appropriate, not a problem to be solved Or Else He'll Never Sleep Again, like most sleep books state. Maybe it's the people I have as parent-peers. Maybe it's just a matter of different children needing different things, and I'll totally eat my words when the next one comes along, but I doubt it :P

2/2

[nlazarus]

I haven't read any research (on baby monkeys or anyone else, and, by the way, I'd like to see your sources on that because the only references I've seen denouncing sleep training have been pretty sketchy), but I have observed hundreds of kids, as the eldest of twenty, as a nanny, as a shopgirl at the kid's market, as the kiddie play director at Clinton, etc, etc. And the kids who are the most confident, the most independant, the happiest and the most respectful of others are the kids who grew up with structure, discipline and consistency. I have a remarkably happy, confident baby, who has never had a "shy" phase, who takes "no" for an answer, who is affectionate and also independant and self-entertaining. I can't take credit for most of that; she was born this way. But I can fairly confidently say that I haven't fucked it up with sleep training. I might eventually fuck it up some other way, but so far she's doing great

Re: 2/2

[fruitkakechevy]

Oops! Didn't see this one.

Here's an overview, with links to some non-sketchy research with actual footnotes: .

Here's her rebuttal to some of the comments she got after posting the first one: And I DO believe that kids need consistency, and a general sort of pattern to the day. Some kids (though apparently not yours) need a house to be "run like a Nazi military base" once they've lost basic trust in their parents to consistently meet their needs. They need to cling to something, and that something is the almighty SCHEDULE. I know parents that panic if they have missed the second yawn, because it means that they have missed the beginning of the Bedtime Ritual, and their child will not sleep at he appointed hour (and thus really struggle) without the hour of snack-bath-books-bed. It seems like Elizabeth hasn't needed to attach herself to this, so lucky you! I don't believe, however, that kids need a lot of structure beyond the general biological necessity of meals and (usually) naps. What they need most is a comfortable,

1/2

[nlazarus]

Well, maybe Josh does sleep when he's tired. Elizabeth wasn't. Now she does. I don't know how or exactly when she lost the simple common sense of going to sleep when you're tired, but she did. Now she goes to sleep. It's not hard and fast. Sometimes she stays up a bit later, sometimes she naps a little longer. Sometimes she plays quietly in her crib for half an hour before going to sleep, and sometimes she conks out right away

Re: 1/2

[fruitkakechevy]

Hey, I know that our kids are different, and I know that you are doing what you think is necessary. I can't really comment on what you're doing, or not doing, because I don't hover over your shoulder every minute of every day :) I assume that you are a loving mom, and sensible human being.

I wanted to say, not necessarily for you but for any other people that might be reading that are new moms and are considering letting their baby cry, that it's not a panacea. There are some very valid concerns with this technique, and I (apparently!) can't let this pass without mentioning them.

Re: 1/2

[nlazarus]

Sorry, by non-sketchy, I meant not a mom who disagrees with it blogging about it. I read her bona fides, and she's not a researcher, not a psychologist, not an expert of any kind. She may have read the research, and may even be accurately summarizing it, but it's still secondary documentation.

And, her rebuttal basically says, "Nobody really knows if this is actually harmful", which, counteracting a visible and tangible improvement in my baby's life and relationship with me, doesn't really hold water.

Re: 1/2

[fruitkakechevy]

True! That was unclear. I posted her blog because it seemed like a good roundup of reputable sources, not because of the actual content of the post. And her assertion that no one really knows if this is harmful compares (as I remember?) crying to drinking while you're pregnant.. it has been shown to be harmful in some cases (perhaps they were extreme cases, perhaps not), but not as a strict rule in scientific tests because any test that proved it would be unethical. Perhaps not in your case, but I still wouldn't recommend that glass of wine, and in fact would recommend against it whenever the topic came up.

Re: 1/2

[nlazarus]

That's not entirely an accurate analogy. Drinking wine has no benefit for the baby to counter the risk. Try vaccinations. There are lots of websites out there linking vaccinations with autism (despite it having been proved to have no connection), and every once in a while I child has a bad reaction to a vaccination (that actually is true). So, did I choose to put my child at risk, while doing something that FELT HORRIBLY WRONG (believe me, holding my baby still while a stranger repeatedly stabbed her was MUCH worse than sitting outside her room listening to her cry for an hour

2/3

[nlazarus]

And, I disagree about doing what's best for your child always feeling right. The only other mother who posted an objection when I announced I was deciding to sleep train was on my Facebook page and she said, "Listen to your heart, Rose!" Well, my heart isn't in charge here. My feelings aren't in charge. My heart and my feelings want to hold her close, never let her go anywhere without me, never let her fall down, never let her cry or be disappointed or lose. My heart is a sucker. My _brain_ tells me that she has to venture forth, she has to lose, she has to fall, she has to fail. She has to learn the lessons that come with these unpleasant experiences. She had to learn to go to sleep at bedtime. And she did. And she is better off for it. She's also ahead of the development curve, the social curve and the physical size curve (although I attribute that last to having a klingon for a father

Re: 2/3

[nlazarus]

So, I don't know. I do know that part of our job, as parents, is to figure out the personality of our child, and respond accordingly, doing what is best for her. My baby is happiest with a pattern she can rely on, some active stimulation, and a lot of time each day left along to explore on her own. She likes to play with me and cuddle and tickle, but soon she's squirming to get down so she can chase the cat or eat crayons or play with her toys. She loves books, loves to turn the pages for me, and she always tries to rip open her pop-up and special effects books to see how they work. At 14 months she can accurately identify specific animals on a page or body parts on herself. She likes to sing, loudly, and off-key, with no discernable melody. She likes to clap her hands, and wobble her hand over her mouth while she sings, making an intermittent noise. She likes to put things into other things, and then take them out. She's extremely patient when learning a new skill and has intense concentration. She likes to put her books away on the