A report on the sleep-training

[nlazarus]

So, we had a big debate about sleep-training, when I started it with Elizabeth a few months ago. We decided to sleep-train her because I found that I was spending the vast majority of the day putting her down for naps or bed, and then getting her up when she cried, letting her play a bit and trying again. Putting her down involved cuddling and

Comments

2/2

[nlazarus]

I haven't read any research (on baby monkeys or anyone else, and, by the way, I'd like to see your sources on that because the only references I've seen denouncing sleep training have been pretty sketchy), but I have observed hundreds of kids, as the eldest of twenty, as a nanny, as a shopgirl at the kid's market, as the kiddie play director at Clinton, etc, etc. And the kids who are the most confident, the most independant, the happiest and the most respectful of others are the kids who grew up with structure, discipline and consistency. I have a remarkably happy, confident baby, who has never had a "shy" phase, who takes "no" for an answer, who is affectionate and also independant and self-entertaining. I can't take credit for most of that; she was born this way. But I can fairly confidently say that I haven't fucked it up with sleep training. I might eventually fuck it up some other way, but so far she's doing great.

I put her down for a nap just before I started writing this. She's just fallen asleep. For the half an hour in between, she finished her bottle, and then lay in her crib, playing and talking cheerfully to herself. She doesn't have an issue with naptime, or bedtime. I don't need to hold her or nurse her to sleep (which, by the way, is INCREDIBLY bad for baby's teeth. You should brush their teeth and then give them only water at bedtime). I don't need to deal with a cranky baby, ever. I can make plans with other people and be confident that we will show up, cheerful and rested. And she TRUSTS ME MORE. Because she knows she can count on me. She knows that I will show up at the time she expects, to feed her or change her or put her to bed. And, believe me, she is already very clear on what time of day is what; She's lately started saying "Dadadada" around 4:30 every day, if Jason is late coming home.

We don't co-sleep anymore, because as soon as she learned to crawl, she had a couple of very bad spills off the bed. We sleep-trained because she wasn't getting enough sleep. As romantic as the idea of breastfeeding my baby, and keeping her with me all the time in a sling, and letting her sleep in my bed whenever she wants to is, it simply doesn't work. She needed this. She is better off for it. There really wasn't any choice in the matter. She was suffering from a lack of consistent sleep schedule. To not do this would have been neglectful.

I have spent thousands of hours observing all kinds of parents and all kinds of parenting. I spent thousands more talking and reading and thinking about what kinds of decisions I would make, when I became a parent. The biggest conclusion that I came to is this; it's not always pretty, it's not always easy, it's not always comfortable, to do what is best for your child. Sometimes it means making them cry. Sometimes it means KNOWING you're going to make them cry and doing it anyway. I'm not her friend. I'm not her fairy godmother. I'm her mom. No one will ever love her more, but that means sometimes saying "No". Even when I REALLY don't want to. But I love her enough to do that.

This was what was best for my child. You may not agree or approve, but the results speak for themselves. She is happier. She is healthier. She is well-rested. We are closer. She is more trusting.

You refer to research done, and yet you ignore the fact that the vast majority of parents who have done sleep training swear by it. I'm going to take that over tortured baby monkeys every time.

Re: 2/2

[fruitkakechevy]

Oops! Didn't see this one.

Here's an overview, with links to some non-sketchy research with actual footnotes: .

Here's her rebuttal to some of the comments she got after posting the first one:

And I DO believe that kids need consistency, and a general sort of pattern to the day. Some kids (though apparently not yours) need a house to be "run like a Nazi military base" once they've lost basic trust in their parents to consistently meet their needs. They need to cling to something, and that something is the almighty SCHEDULE. I know parents that panic if they have missed the second yawn, because it means that they have missed the beginning of the Bedtime Ritual, and their child will not sleep at he appointed hour (and thus really struggle) without the hour of snack-bath-books-bed. It seems like Elizabeth hasn't needed to attach herself to this, so lucky you! I don't believe, however, that kids need a lot of structure beyond the general biological necessity of meals and (usually) naps. What they need most is a comfortable, familiar person that they trust utterly. A lot of our childrearing practices in North America are bent on breaking this trust early, and then wondering what went wrong once they're teens.

Doing what's best for your child not always easy, but it should feel right. Letting your child cry in the arms of a parent isn't easy, but it feels better than giving them cake for breakfast. Letting them cry alone feels wrong for a reason.

Erg. Never mind about the baby monkeys. I spent some time looking for something juicy, and it's all either crap or not directly applicable :P I'll let you know if I find it, but I think it was a brainfart since the stuff I found was more directly related to touch then separation.

Happy long weekend!