fucking damn
I don't even know where to begin or. What to say or what to do. No matter where I am, no matter what my life is doing, I end up feeling fucked up and trapped. Every single time, I could just swear I have never felt more messed up than I do then, and this time is no different.
I am being parented by people who are not my parents, and parented far more severely than I ever was by my actual mother.
I even mention spending a week or so with my dad's sister and her husband and I get the most horrible scolding about job shit. Fuck. God forbid I want to spend some fucking time with family that isn't going to be riding my ass every day. God fucking forbid I do one wrong thing that you just. Let go. Instead of verbally shaking a correction into me.
I wish I could be naked more often. I wish I could make myself cry. I wish this computer handled drawing better. I wish I had a car. I wish there was a place within walking distance where I could go and just sit and be alone. I wish I had a room to myself where I could just lay in bed and not do anything. I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I wish I wish I fucking wish.
Basically, I wish I had more ways to get rid of stress.
I had a dream I had a daughter.
I found a cockroach crawling out of my bed the other morning when I woke up.
Yesterday when it rained, I went out to the back yard to look at the creek all full of water and to get rained on. And as I was standing there with my feet bare in the grass, I looked down and saw something very small. So I bent over to look. It was tiny and grey, and I thought maybe it was some sort of fly, but it was smaller than a fly, so small. Finally I realized, it was a tiny, tiny frog, and I gasped with delight. I felt as though it was a gift to me, to see such a wonderful thing. Then I noticed a spider on my toe, so I decided it was time to go back inside.
Sometimes I wish I could understand if I'm actually pretty fucked up or if I'm just sort of fucked up or maybe if I'm not even fucked up at all.
I am being parented by people who are not my parents, and parented far more severely than I ever was by my actual mother.
I even mention spending a week or so with my dad's sister and her husband and I get the most horrible scolding about job shit. Fuck. God forbid I want to spend some fucking time with family that isn't going to be riding my ass every day. God fucking forbid I do one wrong thing that you just. Let go. Instead of verbally shaking a correction into me.
I wish I could be naked more often. I wish I could make myself cry. I wish this computer handled drawing better. I wish I had a car. I wish there was a place within walking distance where I could go and just sit and be alone. I wish I had a room to myself where I could just lay in bed and not do anything. I wish I had someone here to comfort me. I wish I wish I fucking wish.
Basically, I wish I had more ways to get rid of stress.
I had a dream I had a daughter.
I found a cockroach crawling out of my bed the other morning when I woke up.
Yesterday when it rained, I went out to the back yard to look at the creek all full of water and to get rained on. And as I was standing there with my feet bare in the grass, I looked down and saw something very small. So I bent over to look. It was tiny and grey, and I thought maybe it was some sort of fly, but it was smaller than a fly, so small. Finally I realized, it was a tiny, tiny frog, and I gasped with delight. I felt as though it was a gift to me, to see such a wonderful thing. Then I noticed a spider on my toe, so I decided it was time to go back inside.
Sometimes I wish I could understand if I'm actually pretty fucked up or if I'm just sort of fucked up or maybe if I'm not even fucked up at all.