This Week, Joe's Birthday and Swimming Club
Its been a strange week this week, for most of it I feel I was fighting off another virus, my head was banging, I fell asleep often during the days for a little while, chest was becoming tighter than usual and just generally felt crappy. A lot of it was anxiety with the build up to going to the swimming club on Friday but more on that later.
My biggest son Joseph turned 23 years young yesterday, 23!!! can hardly believe it. He's doing so so well, loves his new university and I just know he is going to blossom and shine there in the specialist environment. A lot of people tried to advise me not to push him into such a prestigious place as the entry level was so high to get in 'some' people thought I'd set him up for an epic fail and should have just let him take up the offer of a place at Teeside with Lionel but I have had the insider knowledge having home schooled my own son for years prior to college so knew he could achieve this entry into UCA.
Here we are a year later and he's already started the course, has his first big graded assignment and a couple of smaller projects on the go, he talks so enthusiastically about the designs I just know he's going to do so well with his degree. His student finance is coming through tomorrow on the 24th so Joe and Dad will finish buying some components for the top notch PC which was started back in February, then we'll see some 3D and bigger animations emerging from Joseph's bedroom over the coming months.
Some of you have been with me here on my blog for the past ten years, some shorter than that and some of you are quite new to myheartexposed, well if you want to keep track of Joseph's progress as he works towards his BA degree, he's set up a new blog entitled "Imaginary Wolf" and I know he'd appreciate lots of comments as this year unfolds, he's never had an online blog before so is a tad nervous about it all and finding his feet somewhat so go easy on him there ok.
I feel so very proud, like I've definitely done right by my son and now he's ready to show what he's made of and make his mark int he world.
I finished Kalooki Nights by Howard Jacobson the other day, have to say that I really quite enjoyed the book, its so sarcastically funny in places where perhaps the content is not funny at all but one thing it is not, its definitely not a holocaust survivor novel, nor is it all about the jewish plight as one person advised me when I said I'd downloaded it from Audible last month. Steven Crossley does an amazing job with the character's voices bringing them to life in Manchester Jewish accents, its a very entertaining book and its led me to want to listen to more from Jacobson so I've downloaded The Finkler Question to start once I've finished Ash by James Herbert.
So Friday I did go along to the swimming club and had a lane all to myself for the whole hour in the water. At first I got a little frustrated, anxiety had been rearing its ugly head again all week, the build up, worrying about how I'd handle the changing room alone without help from either Angelica or my husband, worrying whether I would fall flat on my face having to walk out of the changing room towards the pool on foot, all sorts of other anxious thoughts kept on creeping up on me so it was quite nerve wracking to say the least by the time I'd actually got in the car to leave on Friday afternoon.
Finding the place was not too much of an issue but getting inside was a tad difficult. Up the ramp then through the double opening doors there is a flight of five stairs immediately as you turn left to go towards the changing rooms. On the wall there is a wheelchair lift, I sat there for a while, hubby went off to look for someone but although two men came to have a look at the locked lift, they didn't have a key nor did they know how to use it. After about five minutes of sitting there I suggested I walk up the carpeted steps and the three of them lift my wheels for me. So that is what happened, once at the top I sat down again waiting for the nurse to arrive. Anxiety and me are old friends, we go way back so as I sat there clutching on to my carrier bag containing the towel for dear life I felt like an idiot and attempted to get Anxiety to bog off for a bit so I could look around. The place felt decent enough, quiet like an empty social club, fruit machine on the opposite wall, turned town music coming from hidden speakers along the far wall, a bar to one side, several doors leading off the entrance lobby where I was sitting. The decor was yellow, well pale buttery sandy yellow walls with dark red patterned carpet and plush block seating around the edge. Dont really remember what the place smelt like but I do know that the more I tried to sniff out the pool the less of a scent there was which made me even more nervous for some reason.
People started arriving along with the nurse Lauren and we all signed in then made our way to the changing rooms area together. I had to wheel up a rather long corridor but then outside the changing facilities there was a rather large and steep concrete step so I left the chair outside not wanting another embarrassing fuss and walked inside the door.
Took off my jumper, leggings and boots very quickly, wrapped myself in the my towel and made my way around the corner of the room towards the pool. Luckily it was only a very short distance so I put my towel on the window edge and got straight in just falling off the side of the pool into the warmish water.
It felt so nice to be inside the pool, the first thing I noticed was how silent it all was, no loud noises, no kids, no loud chatter, just the gentle song of the water moving as people climbed or dove in, then followed by muffled low chattering at each end of the pool where they were saying hello to one another.
I swam two lengths at speed, up to the end of the deep end and back again to the shallow end. Quite breathless with my heart pounding in my chest I paused for a few minutes there to compose myself trying to assess whether there was any other pain or not somewhere around my middle. Couldnt feel anything so went up and down again. This time though my legs were becoming slightly numb and I felt half way up that perhaps I should slow it down a bit.
So after four lengths I got out for a bit to sit on the side, the nurse came over for a chat and I explained to her that I was worried now because that lead weight pressing down around the operation site had started and my legs were like jelly.
We chatted for a bit, me commenting on how silent the place was which was both beautiful and nervous as I realised I havent gone into a swimming pool without one or more of my children since 1996 after having Angelica so it was a very odd feeling like something was definitely missing. People overheard our conversation so the no kids part was commented on later after the hour was finished in the dressing room.
I got back in and swam another two lengths after the odd feeling in my abdomen went down, by then though I started to feel disappointed with myself because it felt like six lengths was such a little amount. The nurse suggested I work just my legs and gave me a float to hold on to for the top half, this helped me a great deal and I got another four lengths out of myself making it ten in total, I got out and stayed out at that point fearful of not being able to have the strength to pull myself out of the water if I continued swimming. My legs gave out and it was very difficult for me to go back into the changing room, pull on my clothes and climb down that concrete step then back into my chair. I did it all as quickly as possible in case I couldnt make it so was relieved to be back sitting down in my wheels at the end.
When I went back down the corridor to the entrance lobby, my husband was sitting there watching the tv waiting for me. The nurse appeared from a side door and asked me if I wanted to stay for the group chat for a few minutes, I asked if they sold coffee there and when she said they did I agreed to stay.
Once in the bar area, and everyone joined me and the nurse at the far corner seating area I'd wheeled to with my coffee, I heard one lady moaning about how her diet had started to yo-yo again. She looks like she is about 150kg slightly larger than I was when I first started. I asked her how long she'd been trying and she said since November last year but simply couldnt get the hang of not eating through boredom. We got into a little debate which became slightly forced when I asked her whether she has children and whether she buys all that crap junk that people buy for their kids like a stock pile of crisps, cake, chocolate bars, juice, dilute artificial juice, cereal bars, packed lunch items like little biscuits, cookies, chocolate spread etc etc etc. She said of course she bought all that stuff like it was a 'good motherly' thing to do. It got slightly heated when I told the group I have six children with the oldest two at university one living at home the other in student digs, that I never ever buy any of that stuff and just allow the kids to go buy ONE item out of that lot sometimes from up the road, they consume it completely away from me and its done, they've had an occasional treat, I have not piled on any extra fat and the cupboard in the kitchen never gets any of that junk put inside it, in fact I only buy what we are all going to consume that day with backups like meat in the freezer and extra rice in the kitchen. In our house there is always plenty to eat and offer anyone else who pops in. The meals are always prepared freshly and cooked like a team effort, everyone is happy and the kids dont feel like they are missing out on fizzy drinks etc as they have them on birthdays and special occasions only so its more like a treat not on tap like in other people's houses. I smiled as much as possible but still got a barrage of comments about how regimented it all sounds, the group had started to gang up on me defending their right to buy junk food which was sort of odd considering they are all attempting to loose weight, but they al fell absolutely silent when I told them I have lost 60 pounds since February 10th and the nurse read from my sheet verifying this to be absolutely true.
I started explaining that they should all stop thinking of food in the way that they do, the only person who I think took it all on board was a guy who has just passed the 45 pounds mark.
Food is like fuel, you wouldn't put fuel in to your car then an hour later give it some more, then a couple of hours think oh the car is thirsty I 'll put in a bit more would you. Its the same for food, its fuel for the body, its not a treat nor a gift to yourself.
I have just bought myself a large quantity of yarn as my treat, its all acrylic for toy making but I can not eat it, and yet its made me feel amazingly spoilt much like a cheesecake would have done in the past.
The nurse explained that its because of my attitude and self education towards how the body processes food that is the reason she wanted me to stay for the group chat as I might be able to encourage a few members to get passed stumbling blocks and 'yo-yo' dieting.
The lady who'd started this whole conversation off kept saying she gets bored and stuff so eats instead, I told her to stop buying food, make meal plans for each day and stick to them, dont keep stuff in the house as then she can't eat it. Then if she really has to have something she'll have to exercise to walk to the shop to buy it later in the day or evening so she would have burned off some excess calories anyway so if she stuck to small amounts of junk it wouldn't hurt her. I doubt she'll make any changes what so ever as the junk food in the kitchen seemed like a massive comfort for her and that if she didn't buy it all she wouldn't feel like a good Mum. The nurse recommended a couple of videos for her and said she would bring them in next week. I left after that part as I really couldnt be bothered to sit there talking about junk food and the merits thereof.
One of the other ladies ahd said to me that I didn't look old enough to have had six children especially as I had no lines or a ragged look on my face which absolutely made my day as it made me feel younger instantly.
I bought a load of different colours Stylecraft Special DK yarn which is 100% machine washable acrylic perfect for toy making. All week I've been trying to perfect a dolls and teddy bear's head shape, Thursday night I had a breakthrough and think I've come up with the perfect design after four previous attempts. Feeling very pleased with this one so far so am in the middle of loom knitting another one using the 25 peg round loom in 1/2 inch gauge from CinDwood Crafts which is the perfect size for the entire doll.
Not too sure why its listed as a slipper loom, its so much more than that, toys of all descriptions, slippers yes, booties, shapes of all different sizes not at all just for tubes.
So my next round of designed will be all toy characters, I've currently done three ballerina fairy dolls, an explorer scout doll but am planning on doing a cub, scout and a leader as well, a skateboarder on skateboard, then the cute teddy bears so far I have three on the go at once but only one head has turned out right so now I have a design and the yarn arrived yesterday, I will be able to loom knit those this week too. For the bears as I wanted them slightly plumper than the dolls bodies, I've used the 29 peg 1/2 inch in gauge loom. You could however use the blue 24 peg round knifty knitter if you prefer and maybe the 12 peg flower loom for the limbs, I think that would work too. I've also started writing up the dolls patterns for needle knitters and will publish both versions of each toy character at the same time, together each collection either loom knitted or for needles, will make up a booklet of dolls or teddy bears. I feel excited about this work but have had to do a crash course in software trying to get everything to look right, queue more anxiety as I'm not a pattern writer by any stretch of the imagination but am trying my best to polish everything to make it all look a bit more professional than something just typed up and instantly put out there with a couple of images thrown in. I might even do a video showing how I've made the heads because the stitching is new and I have not seen this method having been used anywhere on the looms before. I spent a bit of time researching again this morning trying to make sure its not already out there, its exciting when I think I've come up with a new technique again, there are a few of mine out there already like the feather and fan stitch done on the looms but this one totally blew my mind and took several attempts to get it to look right, so watch this space.
My biggest son Joseph turned 23 years young yesterday, 23!!! can hardly believe it. He's doing so so well, loves his new university and I just know he is going to blossom and shine there in the specialist environment. A lot of people tried to advise me not to push him into such a prestigious place as the entry level was so high to get in 'some' people thought I'd set him up for an epic fail and should have just let him take up the offer of a place at Teeside with Lionel but I have had the insider knowledge having home schooled my own son for years prior to college so knew he could achieve this entry into UCA.
Here we are a year later and he's already started the course, has his first big graded assignment and a couple of smaller projects on the go, he talks so enthusiastically about the designs I just know he's going to do so well with his degree. His student finance is coming through tomorrow on the 24th so Joe and Dad will finish buying some components for the top notch PC which was started back in February, then we'll see some 3D and bigger animations emerging from Joseph's bedroom over the coming months.
Some of you have been with me here on my blog for the past ten years, some shorter than that and some of you are quite new to myheartexposed, well if you want to keep track of Joseph's progress as he works towards his BA degree, he's set up a new blog entitled "Imaginary Wolf" and I know he'd appreciate lots of comments as this year unfolds, he's never had an online blog before so is a tad nervous about it all and finding his feet somewhat so go easy on him there ok.
I feel so very proud, like I've definitely done right by my son and now he's ready to show what he's made of and make his mark int he world.
I finished Kalooki Nights by Howard Jacobson the other day, have to say that I really quite enjoyed the book, its so sarcastically funny in places where perhaps the content is not funny at all but one thing it is not, its definitely not a holocaust survivor novel, nor is it all about the jewish plight as one person advised me when I said I'd downloaded it from Audible last month. Steven Crossley does an amazing job with the character's voices bringing them to life in Manchester Jewish accents, its a very entertaining book and its led me to want to listen to more from Jacobson so I've downloaded The Finkler Question to start once I've finished Ash by James Herbert.
So Friday I did go along to the swimming club and had a lane all to myself for the whole hour in the water. At first I got a little frustrated, anxiety had been rearing its ugly head again all week, the build up, worrying about how I'd handle the changing room alone without help from either Angelica or my husband, worrying whether I would fall flat on my face having to walk out of the changing room towards the pool on foot, all sorts of other anxious thoughts kept on creeping up on me so it was quite nerve wracking to say the least by the time I'd actually got in the car to leave on Friday afternoon.
Finding the place was not too much of an issue but getting inside was a tad difficult. Up the ramp then through the double opening doors there is a flight of five stairs immediately as you turn left to go towards the changing rooms. On the wall there is a wheelchair lift, I sat there for a while, hubby went off to look for someone but although two men came to have a look at the locked lift, they didn't have a key nor did they know how to use it. After about five minutes of sitting there I suggested I walk up the carpeted steps and the three of them lift my wheels for me. So that is what happened, once at the top I sat down again waiting for the nurse to arrive. Anxiety and me are old friends, we go way back so as I sat there clutching on to my carrier bag containing the towel for dear life I felt like an idiot and attempted to get Anxiety to bog off for a bit so I could look around. The place felt decent enough, quiet like an empty social club, fruit machine on the opposite wall, turned town music coming from hidden speakers along the far wall, a bar to one side, several doors leading off the entrance lobby where I was sitting. The decor was yellow, well pale buttery sandy yellow walls with dark red patterned carpet and plush block seating around the edge. Dont really remember what the place smelt like but I do know that the more I tried to sniff out the pool the less of a scent there was which made me even more nervous for some reason.
People started arriving along with the nurse Lauren and we all signed in then made our way to the changing rooms area together. I had to wheel up a rather long corridor but then outside the changing facilities there was a rather large and steep concrete step so I left the chair outside not wanting another embarrassing fuss and walked inside the door.
Took off my jumper, leggings and boots very quickly, wrapped myself in the my towel and made my way around the corner of the room towards the pool. Luckily it was only a very short distance so I put my towel on the window edge and got straight in just falling off the side of the pool into the warmish water.
It felt so nice to be inside the pool, the first thing I noticed was how silent it all was, no loud noises, no kids, no loud chatter, just the gentle song of the water moving as people climbed or dove in, then followed by muffled low chattering at each end of the pool where they were saying hello to one another.
I swam two lengths at speed, up to the end of the deep end and back again to the shallow end. Quite breathless with my heart pounding in my chest I paused for a few minutes there to compose myself trying to assess whether there was any other pain or not somewhere around my middle. Couldnt feel anything so went up and down again. This time though my legs were becoming slightly numb and I felt half way up that perhaps I should slow it down a bit.
So after four lengths I got out for a bit to sit on the side, the nurse came over for a chat and I explained to her that I was worried now because that lead weight pressing down around the operation site had started and my legs were like jelly.
We chatted for a bit, me commenting on how silent the place was which was both beautiful and nervous as I realised I havent gone into a swimming pool without one or more of my children since 1996 after having Angelica so it was a very odd feeling like something was definitely missing. People overheard our conversation so the no kids part was commented on later after the hour was finished in the dressing room.
I got back in and swam another two lengths after the odd feeling in my abdomen went down, by then though I started to feel disappointed with myself because it felt like six lengths was such a little amount. The nurse suggested I work just my legs and gave me a float to hold on to for the top half, this helped me a great deal and I got another four lengths out of myself making it ten in total, I got out and stayed out at that point fearful of not being able to have the strength to pull myself out of the water if I continued swimming. My legs gave out and it was very difficult for me to go back into the changing room, pull on my clothes and climb down that concrete step then back into my chair. I did it all as quickly as possible in case I couldnt make it so was relieved to be back sitting down in my wheels at the end.
When I went back down the corridor to the entrance lobby, my husband was sitting there watching the tv waiting for me. The nurse appeared from a side door and asked me if I wanted to stay for the group chat for a few minutes, I asked if they sold coffee there and when she said they did I agreed to stay.
Once in the bar area, and everyone joined me and the nurse at the far corner seating area I'd wheeled to with my coffee, I heard one lady moaning about how her diet had started to yo-yo again. She looks like she is about 150kg slightly larger than I was when I first started. I asked her how long she'd been trying and she said since November last year but simply couldnt get the hang of not eating through boredom. We got into a little debate which became slightly forced when I asked her whether she has children and whether she buys all that crap junk that people buy for their kids like a stock pile of crisps, cake, chocolate bars, juice, dilute artificial juice, cereal bars, packed lunch items like little biscuits, cookies, chocolate spread etc etc etc. She said of course she bought all that stuff like it was a 'good motherly' thing to do. It got slightly heated when I told the group I have six children with the oldest two at university one living at home the other in student digs, that I never ever buy any of that stuff and just allow the kids to go buy ONE item out of that lot sometimes from up the road, they consume it completely away from me and its done, they've had an occasional treat, I have not piled on any extra fat and the cupboard in the kitchen never gets any of that junk put inside it, in fact I only buy what we are all going to consume that day with backups like meat in the freezer and extra rice in the kitchen. In our house there is always plenty to eat and offer anyone else who pops in. The meals are always prepared freshly and cooked like a team effort, everyone is happy and the kids dont feel like they are missing out on fizzy drinks etc as they have them on birthdays and special occasions only so its more like a treat not on tap like in other people's houses. I smiled as much as possible but still got a barrage of comments about how regimented it all sounds, the group had started to gang up on me defending their right to buy junk food which was sort of odd considering they are all attempting to loose weight, but they al fell absolutely silent when I told them I have lost 60 pounds since February 10th and the nurse read from my sheet verifying this to be absolutely true.
I started explaining that they should all stop thinking of food in the way that they do, the only person who I think took it all on board was a guy who has just passed the 45 pounds mark.
Food is like fuel, you wouldn't put fuel in to your car then an hour later give it some more, then a couple of hours think oh the car is thirsty I 'll put in a bit more would you. Its the same for food, its fuel for the body, its not a treat nor a gift to yourself.
I have just bought myself a large quantity of yarn as my treat, its all acrylic for toy making but I can not eat it, and yet its made me feel amazingly spoilt much like a cheesecake would have done in the past.
The nurse explained that its because of my attitude and self education towards how the body processes food that is the reason she wanted me to stay for the group chat as I might be able to encourage a few members to get passed stumbling blocks and 'yo-yo' dieting.
The lady who'd started this whole conversation off kept saying she gets bored and stuff so eats instead, I told her to stop buying food, make meal plans for each day and stick to them, dont keep stuff in the house as then she can't eat it. Then if she really has to have something she'll have to exercise to walk to the shop to buy it later in the day or evening so she would have burned off some excess calories anyway so if she stuck to small amounts of junk it wouldn't hurt her. I doubt she'll make any changes what so ever as the junk food in the kitchen seemed like a massive comfort for her and that if she didn't buy it all she wouldn't feel like a good Mum. The nurse recommended a couple of videos for her and said she would bring them in next week. I left after that part as I really couldnt be bothered to sit there talking about junk food and the merits thereof.
One of the other ladies ahd said to me that I didn't look old enough to have had six children especially as I had no lines or a ragged look on my face which absolutely made my day as it made me feel younger instantly.
I bought a load of different colours Stylecraft Special DK yarn which is 100% machine washable acrylic perfect for toy making. All week I've been trying to perfect a dolls and teddy bear's head shape, Thursday night I had a breakthrough and think I've come up with the perfect design after four previous attempts. Feeling very pleased with this one so far so am in the middle of loom knitting another one using the 25 peg round loom in 1/2 inch gauge from CinDwood Crafts which is the perfect size for the entire doll.
Not too sure why its listed as a slipper loom, its so much more than that, toys of all descriptions, slippers yes, booties, shapes of all different sizes not at all just for tubes.
So my next round of designed will be all toy characters, I've currently done three ballerina fairy dolls, an explorer scout doll but am planning on doing a cub, scout and a leader as well, a skateboarder on skateboard, then the cute teddy bears so far I have three on the go at once but only one head has turned out right so now I have a design and the yarn arrived yesterday, I will be able to loom knit those this week too. For the bears as I wanted them slightly plumper than the dolls bodies, I've used the 29 peg 1/2 inch in gauge loom. You could however use the blue 24 peg round knifty knitter if you prefer and maybe the 12 peg flower loom for the limbs, I think that would work too. I've also started writing up the dolls patterns for needle knitters and will publish both versions of each toy character at the same time, together each collection either loom knitted or for needles, will make up a booklet of dolls or teddy bears. I feel excited about this work but have had to do a crash course in software trying to get everything to look right, queue more anxiety as I'm not a pattern writer by any stretch of the imagination but am trying my best to polish everything to make it all look a bit more professional than something just typed up and instantly put out there with a couple of images thrown in. I might even do a video showing how I've made the heads because the stitching is new and I have not seen this method having been used anywhere on the looms before. I spent a bit of time researching again this morning trying to make sure its not already out there, its exciting when I think I've come up with a new technique again, there are a few of mine out there already like the feather and fan stitch done on the looms but this one totally blew my mind and took several attempts to get it to look right, so watch this space.