The all Elusive and Massive "G" Word !!
At some point during any weight loss journey, for everyone I think, it is inevitable that the "G" word is going to start floating about. What is the "G" word I hear you ask …….. I'll say this one as quietly as I can ………
(gym)
or should I be shouting it like this …….
G Y M
Well for me that moment came this morning when my personal trainer who is now my fabulous support person came over to see how I was doing with the strengthening of the core group of muscles program he started me on two weeks ago.
Before I go any further let me just explain something significant, most of you know this already but some of you dont, I had to have reconstructive abdominal surgery on March 8th 2008 as during the emergency c-section to have Harvey July 2007 my insides exploded leaving me with no option but to agree to a tubal ligation (sterilisation) whilst on the operating table.
When the surgeon sliced through my tubes, she accidentally sliced through the inner bag that sits inside the abdominal cavity holding all your internal organs inside it. Despite me complaining from about six hours after leaving the recovery room, the damage was not discovered until eight months later following a series of serious internal infections, month after month of antibiotics and a swelling the size of a generous watermelon down on the right side of my abdomen.
It was initially thought of as an incisional hernia but the CT Scan showed a very different picture. The swelling was where my internal organs were spilling out only being held back by my skin, the muscles and everything else tissue wise had ripped in all different directions right across my abdominal cavity leaving a massive open space which was quickly being filled by fibrous tissue growing to fill the gaps. The tissue had intertwined with both the lower and small intestines twisting and matting them together.
So an eight hour operation to fix the damage was done in March 2008 and because I no longer had anything to hold back my organs I was left with a large size metal sheet tacked, clipped, stapled then sewn into place with anchor points at 15º angles all the way around the inside of my abdomen.
Now in order to get that metal sheet in the surgeon had to cut any remaining muscles right back, in some places all that was left was a tiny stub which he felt confident would be sufficient enough to grow new tissue over a period of about five years. The nerve cords inside the abdominal cavity are many and important ones controlling the immune system, coughing and sneezing reflex along with urine and bowel movement contractions. I had no control over my body for a considerable length of time from 2008 till 2012. In between that time I spent all my time mentally sorting myself out, growing muscles and nerve channels and here we are, September 2012 four years and six months following the surgery.
I feel I have travelled a vast distance already, its been a ginormous leap of inner faith to reach this point, there have been many many dark moments along the way, determination and the fact that I have a wonderful active household has pulled me through to this moment.
After almost having a breakdown because the occupational therapy manager in Newcastle was insisting on putting a shower cubical in the middle of my tiny kitchen at our old place, I took some time out and focused all my energy on getting us moved away from the north east. A year ago yesterday was the start of our journey away from that health wise hell place and into a new journey with a light at the end of the tunnel finally.
I've come a massively long way within the past year, when we first moved, as I had spent so much emotional energy focusing on getting us moved, first finding a house and someone to take over my tenancy at our old place, then the actual moving with our six children, I had to take time out to recover so spent my time loom knitting with a bit of handspinning yarn from September till Christmas.
On 3rd January I had my first new doctor's appointment where I started asking for help to sort things out, get me working towards walking again and not having to rely on a wheelchair.
Six months later I went to see a lady who runs a group called Tipping The Balance, they agreed to meet me in places other than medical establishments because of my low immune system issues so I met for the first appointment in a local hotel where as it turns out some of the olympics teams from other countries were staying.
July I was referred for surgery, August still improving all the time I started to ask about maybe doing some exercise in order to strengthen my body to travel that little bit further. I felt I had started to level out on my own and not much more was happening for me, I had hit the plateau so needed help.
I was given an appointment two weeks later at the end of August, went along feeling quite despondent it has to be said, expecting to hear the same old lines that I can paraphrase now having heard them so much over the last four years, you have to take things very slowly, are you depressed, are you sure you dont need anti depressants, please dont overdo things, you need to rest, take these tablets they will help you sleep, codeine just increase the dosage during each 24 hour period etc etc etc.
However, when sitting there with the Tipping the Balance ladies, being weighed, talking away, drinking tea, this guy walked in, shook my hand then sat down and started chatting, spoke to Harvey whilst looking at my notes, one of the first things he said to me after the introduction about him being a personal trainer and as I've secured funding from the local health authority he can work with me if I want, he paused from reading and looked up at me and said:
"gosh when you sneeze or cough it must be like hell, you must feel like everything is going to burst out again" then had a sort of sympathetic troubled look on his face as he carried on reading all the medical things I have had to endure since 2007.
For me all I could do was nod my head silently, I felt like the room started spinning, I know my face must have gone dark red, the physical reaction to hearing someone acknowledge the one thing that everyone else takes for granted, the one thing that drives me completely insane, the one thing that when I do sneeze or cough even softly, it does feel like that, or if I sneeze twice or three times in a row I wet myself or my coccyx bone feels like someone has stuck a red hot poker up my bottom and stabbing at me repeatedly, just hearing someone acknowledge that pain, that suffering, that daily annoyance that leads me up to bed each day, well that for me was the turning point of this whole ordeal.
That one statement alone made me think that maybe, just maybe I could work with this guy, put in the effort and commitment, maybe get things turning around properly once and for all.
The rest of the appointment is a kind of blur but I came away with hope, the light at the end of the tunnel having been brought closer to me for the first time in what feels like forever. He'd written down on an A4 sheet of paper words for me, instructions of things to do. It reads like this :
morning, after the toilet runs are over (I'm still rushing to the toilet several times between 5 and 7-7:30am) stretch out my legs, place one foot on the mattress at a 45º angle from my body and reach down between my legs to feel the inner thigh stretching for two seconds, no more than that.
lay down on the bed on one side, lift up my foot behind me to stretch the front of the thighs each for two seconds no more than that.
use the exercise bike for three minutes to warm up
sit on the edge of a chair one side of the living room, breathe deeply and calmly for one minute whilst holding in my belly button
get up and walk across the room, sit down and breathe for another minute, repeat twice
sit on the edge of the chair and lift 1kg in each arm pushing the elbows towards each other so the weight goes above my forehead, three times only
stand on one leg timing the balance four times on each leg
That has been my morning routine for the past two weeks, I am not to do all that straight after each other, this routine stretches out between around 9am and 12pm.
I have noticed a masked improvement in my central stem, its gotten stronger! I can now sit upright amazingly so, today when he walked into the living room he commented straight away on how different my posture looks even sitting on the sofa.
I explained that I hd real trouble lifting the weights, they are maybe too heavy, he's agreed and lowered them to 500g each arm instead when I showed him, I said it was ok for him to hold my abdominal operation site area whilst I pushed my arms upwards, he felt the tightening so told me to stop straight away.
He's added in to the routine now:
lifting the 500g weights out to the sides with my arms straight four times each arm, or if I can manage it both arms at the same time
front rises where I told the weight and push it out away from me until my arms are straight, four times on each arm or if I can manage it both arms at the same time
He also wants me to get some leg weights that weigh no more than 1kg each and wear them on my ankles, sit on the edge of the sofa and lift up each foot off the ground but only a couple of inches, four times on each leg whilst pulling in my belly button.
I get to stretch out this routine from 9am until 2pm so I think its manageable.
Once we'd had all that worked out and he knew that I knew what to do, how to do it so that I do not injure myself, we discussed the next appointment and the all elusive big "G" word, yes the GYM.
The lady that was with him was lovely too, she invited me to join the swimming club next Friday, I explained to her about not being able to see and how I'd found it difficult in the water with so many people in the way, "that's ok" she said "the pool is closed so you'll get the whole lane to yourself" which was music to my ears, I am definitely going and it only costs £1 each week so even better.
So with that sorted, the guy who'd I'd earlier told not to use the "G" word, started talking about the 'health environment' I giggled and said it was ok that I was only joking and that I'd love to come along, did I really say that? yes I believe I did in my excitement at having an entire olympic sized swimming lane all to myself for as long as I want next Friday.
So we discussed it, he closes the gym so there is no one else in there, its just for members of his circle which apparently I am one of them so can take advantage of this too. I can pop down to get used to being in that environment, I dont need to do anything at all the first couple of times just talk, I'm up for that but said that I would be excited to learn as I'd never been inside a proper gym before.
Things have been left with, my doing the routine until 19th October when he will come and have a feel of the muscles to make sure they are growing and that I'm not injuring myself. Then he'll invite me the following week to pop down and see him actually at the gym, maybe show me around some of the equipment and how it all works booking regular sessions for the following weeks until the new year whilst I am there.
I'll carry on with the swimming club in between next week and the October appointment, doing the routine each day and see how it all goes for me.
When they left I sat down thinking taking it all in. Did I really agree to go to an actual gym? did I really agree to join the swimming club to get into training with those lengths in a lane all to myself?
I ordered a t-shirt - yep I bought myself a t-shirt there and then from an online shop I really like called Yours Clothing I think I will feel more comfortable stretching with weights and so on if I actually wear a t-shirt and leggings (which Angelica bought me last night on the way to Explorers) than my pi's which are actually falling to bits they've been washed and worn so often now so time for them to be gone I think. Its more symbolic than anything else, I've actually ripped them to shreds already, they are now in the bin!! Gone are those 'relaxing' 'lazy' mornings, its time, its long overdue and I feel good about it.
It all feels quite positive and before they left I did tell him about that pivotal moment where the room started spinning two weeks ago when he said about the sneezing and coughing, he seemed genuinely taken aback by it because it was just a comment in passing but meant the absolute world to me that someone finally understands not with patronising sympathy but actual understanding. Another thing I told him was that I love and appreciate the way he doesnt treat me like a blind woman, when he's writing stuff down in his scribbly handwriting which I have to really concentrate to read when he's gone, he will randomly pick up the paper and lift it tilting it towards me pointing at stuff just like he would anyone else and even though I can not actually see a thing he's pointing at I look and nod, it always makes me inwardly smile as I feel the same as the lady sitting next to me as she's looking and smiling nodding as well as he's explaining what he's scribbled down in the notes.
I like all of this, it pleases me and has lifted me greatly. I feel like over the last two weeks I've taken perhaps the biggest leap of faith yet since this all started back in 2007. Up until now its been my own wits and determination, my not wanting to end up a vegetable sitting and watching crap on tv all day, not wanting to fade or disappear, wanting to be a person in my own right. This is the first time that I truly feel like I've transformed into that over the past two weeks. Not sure why its taken me this long to feel some sort of completion to the nightmare, I mean so many good and positive things have happened in my life since this all started, its just that now this is finally something I need that is a need being physically met and perhaps that is what I needed all along, someone to just vocally acknowledge the nightmare in passing in way that made me know they understood it and ME fully.
Did I really say I'm going to the gym in October? I truly believe I did, so bring it on, I actually feel excited about it all now, remind me I said that later will you, I'll have had time to talk myself out of it by then :)
(gym)
or should I be shouting it like this …….
G Y M
Well for me that moment came this morning when my personal trainer who is now my fabulous support person came over to see how I was doing with the strengthening of the core group of muscles program he started me on two weeks ago.
Before I go any further let me just explain something significant, most of you know this already but some of you dont, I had to have reconstructive abdominal surgery on March 8th 2008 as during the emergency c-section to have Harvey July 2007 my insides exploded leaving me with no option but to agree to a tubal ligation (sterilisation) whilst on the operating table.
When the surgeon sliced through my tubes, she accidentally sliced through the inner bag that sits inside the abdominal cavity holding all your internal organs inside it. Despite me complaining from about six hours after leaving the recovery room, the damage was not discovered until eight months later following a series of serious internal infections, month after month of antibiotics and a swelling the size of a generous watermelon down on the right side of my abdomen.
It was initially thought of as an incisional hernia but the CT Scan showed a very different picture. The swelling was where my internal organs were spilling out only being held back by my skin, the muscles and everything else tissue wise had ripped in all different directions right across my abdominal cavity leaving a massive open space which was quickly being filled by fibrous tissue growing to fill the gaps. The tissue had intertwined with both the lower and small intestines twisting and matting them together.
So an eight hour operation to fix the damage was done in March 2008 and because I no longer had anything to hold back my organs I was left with a large size metal sheet tacked, clipped, stapled then sewn into place with anchor points at 15º angles all the way around the inside of my abdomen.
Now in order to get that metal sheet in the surgeon had to cut any remaining muscles right back, in some places all that was left was a tiny stub which he felt confident would be sufficient enough to grow new tissue over a period of about five years. The nerve cords inside the abdominal cavity are many and important ones controlling the immune system, coughing and sneezing reflex along with urine and bowel movement contractions. I had no control over my body for a considerable length of time from 2008 till 2012. In between that time I spent all my time mentally sorting myself out, growing muscles and nerve channels and here we are, September 2012 four years and six months following the surgery.
I feel I have travelled a vast distance already, its been a ginormous leap of inner faith to reach this point, there have been many many dark moments along the way, determination and the fact that I have a wonderful active household has pulled me through to this moment.
After almost having a breakdown because the occupational therapy manager in Newcastle was insisting on putting a shower cubical in the middle of my tiny kitchen at our old place, I took some time out and focused all my energy on getting us moved away from the north east. A year ago yesterday was the start of our journey away from that health wise hell place and into a new journey with a light at the end of the tunnel finally.
I've come a massively long way within the past year, when we first moved, as I had spent so much emotional energy focusing on getting us moved, first finding a house and someone to take over my tenancy at our old place, then the actual moving with our six children, I had to take time out to recover so spent my time loom knitting with a bit of handspinning yarn from September till Christmas.
On 3rd January I had my first new doctor's appointment where I started asking for help to sort things out, get me working towards walking again and not having to rely on a wheelchair.
Six months later I went to see a lady who runs a group called Tipping The Balance, they agreed to meet me in places other than medical establishments because of my low immune system issues so I met for the first appointment in a local hotel where as it turns out some of the olympics teams from other countries were staying.
July I was referred for surgery, August still improving all the time I started to ask about maybe doing some exercise in order to strengthen my body to travel that little bit further. I felt I had started to level out on my own and not much more was happening for me, I had hit the plateau so needed help.
I was given an appointment two weeks later at the end of August, went along feeling quite despondent it has to be said, expecting to hear the same old lines that I can paraphrase now having heard them so much over the last four years, you have to take things very slowly, are you depressed, are you sure you dont need anti depressants, please dont overdo things, you need to rest, take these tablets they will help you sleep, codeine just increase the dosage during each 24 hour period etc etc etc.
However, when sitting there with the Tipping the Balance ladies, being weighed, talking away, drinking tea, this guy walked in, shook my hand then sat down and started chatting, spoke to Harvey whilst looking at my notes, one of the first things he said to me after the introduction about him being a personal trainer and as I've secured funding from the local health authority he can work with me if I want, he paused from reading and looked up at me and said:
"gosh when you sneeze or cough it must be like hell, you must feel like everything is going to burst out again" then had a sort of sympathetic troubled look on his face as he carried on reading all the medical things I have had to endure since 2007.
For me all I could do was nod my head silently, I felt like the room started spinning, I know my face must have gone dark red, the physical reaction to hearing someone acknowledge the one thing that everyone else takes for granted, the one thing that drives me completely insane, the one thing that when I do sneeze or cough even softly, it does feel like that, or if I sneeze twice or three times in a row I wet myself or my coccyx bone feels like someone has stuck a red hot poker up my bottom and stabbing at me repeatedly, just hearing someone acknowledge that pain, that suffering, that daily annoyance that leads me up to bed each day, well that for me was the turning point of this whole ordeal.
That one statement alone made me think that maybe, just maybe I could work with this guy, put in the effort and commitment, maybe get things turning around properly once and for all.
The rest of the appointment is a kind of blur but I came away with hope, the light at the end of the tunnel having been brought closer to me for the first time in what feels like forever. He'd written down on an A4 sheet of paper words for me, instructions of things to do. It reads like this :
morning, after the toilet runs are over (I'm still rushing to the toilet several times between 5 and 7-7:30am) stretch out my legs, place one foot on the mattress at a 45º angle from my body and reach down between my legs to feel the inner thigh stretching for two seconds, no more than that.
lay down on the bed on one side, lift up my foot behind me to stretch the front of the thighs each for two seconds no more than that.
use the exercise bike for three minutes to warm up
sit on the edge of a chair one side of the living room, breathe deeply and calmly for one minute whilst holding in my belly button
get up and walk across the room, sit down and breathe for another minute, repeat twice
sit on the edge of the chair and lift 1kg in each arm pushing the elbows towards each other so the weight goes above my forehead, three times only
stand on one leg timing the balance four times on each leg
That has been my morning routine for the past two weeks, I am not to do all that straight after each other, this routine stretches out between around 9am and 12pm.
I have noticed a masked improvement in my central stem, its gotten stronger! I can now sit upright amazingly so, today when he walked into the living room he commented straight away on how different my posture looks even sitting on the sofa.
I explained that I hd real trouble lifting the weights, they are maybe too heavy, he's agreed and lowered them to 500g each arm instead when I showed him, I said it was ok for him to hold my abdominal operation site area whilst I pushed my arms upwards, he felt the tightening so told me to stop straight away.
He's added in to the routine now:
lifting the 500g weights out to the sides with my arms straight four times each arm, or if I can manage it both arms at the same time
front rises where I told the weight and push it out away from me until my arms are straight, four times on each arm or if I can manage it both arms at the same time
He also wants me to get some leg weights that weigh no more than 1kg each and wear them on my ankles, sit on the edge of the sofa and lift up each foot off the ground but only a couple of inches, four times on each leg whilst pulling in my belly button.
I get to stretch out this routine from 9am until 2pm so I think its manageable.
Once we'd had all that worked out and he knew that I knew what to do, how to do it so that I do not injure myself, we discussed the next appointment and the all elusive big "G" word, yes the GYM.
The lady that was with him was lovely too, she invited me to join the swimming club next Friday, I explained to her about not being able to see and how I'd found it difficult in the water with so many people in the way, "that's ok" she said "the pool is closed so you'll get the whole lane to yourself" which was music to my ears, I am definitely going and it only costs £1 each week so even better.
So with that sorted, the guy who'd I'd earlier told not to use the "G" word, started talking about the 'health environment' I giggled and said it was ok that I was only joking and that I'd love to come along, did I really say that? yes I believe I did in my excitement at having an entire olympic sized swimming lane all to myself for as long as I want next Friday.
So we discussed it, he closes the gym so there is no one else in there, its just for members of his circle which apparently I am one of them so can take advantage of this too. I can pop down to get used to being in that environment, I dont need to do anything at all the first couple of times just talk, I'm up for that but said that I would be excited to learn as I'd never been inside a proper gym before.
Things have been left with, my doing the routine until 19th October when he will come and have a feel of the muscles to make sure they are growing and that I'm not injuring myself. Then he'll invite me the following week to pop down and see him actually at the gym, maybe show me around some of the equipment and how it all works booking regular sessions for the following weeks until the new year whilst I am there.
I'll carry on with the swimming club in between next week and the October appointment, doing the routine each day and see how it all goes for me.
When they left I sat down thinking taking it all in. Did I really agree to go to an actual gym? did I really agree to join the swimming club to get into training with those lengths in a lane all to myself?
I ordered a t-shirt - yep I bought myself a t-shirt there and then from an online shop I really like called Yours Clothing I think I will feel more comfortable stretching with weights and so on if I actually wear a t-shirt and leggings (which Angelica bought me last night on the way to Explorers) than my pi's which are actually falling to bits they've been washed and worn so often now so time for them to be gone I think. Its more symbolic than anything else, I've actually ripped them to shreds already, they are now in the bin!! Gone are those 'relaxing' 'lazy' mornings, its time, its long overdue and I feel good about it.
It all feels quite positive and before they left I did tell him about that pivotal moment where the room started spinning two weeks ago when he said about the sneezing and coughing, he seemed genuinely taken aback by it because it was just a comment in passing but meant the absolute world to me that someone finally understands not with patronising sympathy but actual understanding. Another thing I told him was that I love and appreciate the way he doesnt treat me like a blind woman, when he's writing stuff down in his scribbly handwriting which I have to really concentrate to read when he's gone, he will randomly pick up the paper and lift it tilting it towards me pointing at stuff just like he would anyone else and even though I can not actually see a thing he's pointing at I look and nod, it always makes me inwardly smile as I feel the same as the lady sitting next to me as she's looking and smiling nodding as well as he's explaining what he's scribbled down in the notes.
I like all of this, it pleases me and has lifted me greatly. I feel like over the last two weeks I've taken perhaps the biggest leap of faith yet since this all started back in 2007. Up until now its been my own wits and determination, my not wanting to end up a vegetable sitting and watching crap on tv all day, not wanting to fade or disappear, wanting to be a person in my own right. This is the first time that I truly feel like I've transformed into that over the past two weeks. Not sure why its taken me this long to feel some sort of completion to the nightmare, I mean so many good and positive things have happened in my life since this all started, its just that now this is finally something I need that is a need being physically met and perhaps that is what I needed all along, someone to just vocally acknowledge the nightmare in passing in way that made me know they understood it and ME fully.
Did I really say I'm going to the gym in October? I truly believe I did, so bring it on, I actually feel excited about it all now, remind me I said that later will you, I'll have had time to talk myself out of it by then :)