(no subject)
I just spent the last hour sobbing and yelling because I only have $33 left in my account, I added it up, there is well over $200 from the last 2 pay checks that I didn't spend. I thought i was owed 120 ...turns out it's more. I carefully spent it so that I would have more then I needed left over. I made sure to spend only a fraction so that by the next pay check I would still have had a good deal and it would all start to add up. God I'm so upset. I had the book store order my books because I thought I had at least a little money to live off of if I spent the 50 on them. I wish I wouldn't have even bothered, I'm still going to buy them, because I have the damn right to buy them and I've been waiting and had my hopes up. I'm going to end up starving myself to buy them. I'm screwed, he say he'll pay be back but I have to go to the gyno in less then three weeks. Thats like 150 there at least and then there is the other 150 for my freaking birth control. Yeah he borrowed money for some anti-bioticcs. I thought he needed 15 from me, not 80. Then there is 3 here, 5 there, 7 here and 20 over there and yet another 20 that I didn't spend. That shit adds up fast, why the fuck am I the only one in this relationship that knows that? Why the fuck am I the only one not spending money when we don't have it to spend? I carefully monitor my money, go without, and deprive myself so I won't be flat broke and so I can actually buy something if the want arises. If I want to buy MC donalds and eat lunch for 7$ I can, If I see something I want for $20 I can, get a book for myself for $12. Now I can't again. What's the fucking point in me working? I got that tiny raise and I was so happy because I could finaly get something for myself for once every couple weeks and eat lunch when I'm at work. Now I'm screwed all over. He says he'll pay me back, but I know how life works and I know the unexpected shit that pops up. That's why I spend like I do, where as he always expects to have it from somewhere. Having that little bit of money made me so happy because I was comfortable. I don't have to be rich, I don't have to have a lot, I just want to be able to satisfy little wants every now and then.
I can only even get the damn books because maw maw hid 30 in that care package, even then I can't really afford to pay for the gas that I will need to get there and to keep me going to work for the next week untill I get paid, or some miracle happens and someone actually pays him like they say they will and not short him, say that he got money for some other reason so they don't need to give him his payment, or try to find some non-denominational way of payment. We are not a freaking trading post.
I can only even get the damn books because maw maw hid 30 in that care package, even then I can't really afford to pay for the gas that I will need to get there and to keep me going to work for the next week untill I get paid, or some miracle happens and someone actually pays him like they say they will and not short him, say that he got money for some other reason so they don't need to give him his payment, or try to find some non-denominational way of payment. We are not a freaking trading post.