Regret (Epilogue 1/3) [Series: No Regrets]
TITLE: Regret
AUTHOR: naddypants
RATING: 15,
CHARACTERS: Jack/Ianto, Gwen
SUMMARY: This is Jack's Epilogue. Tissue warnings are a definite. Character death.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is Jack's first epilogue of three...they will be sad! :( Special thanks to my beta melthorne for inspiring me, helping me, and being there for me. You're fab!
DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fan fiction, I own nothing, no money is being made from this and no harm is intended. Fanfictions can be removed and/or deleted if needed. Torchwood belongs to the BBC and Russell T Davies. Thank you.
Part 1: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7328.html
Part 2: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7498.html
Part 3: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7819.html
Part 4: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8054.html
Part 5: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8327.html
Part 6: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8654.html
Part 7: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8852.html
Part 8: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9027.html
Part 9: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9326.html
Part 10: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9675.html
Part 11: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9815.html
Part 12: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10020.html
Part 13: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10342.html
Part 14 : http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10758.html#cutid1
Part 15: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/11178.html
Part 16: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/12841.html
I thought he was okay.
It's perceptive that verb; to think. I shouldn't think. I should have made sure - known.
I'm such an idiot.
Ianto Jones.
My Ianto Jones.
The man who should still be my Ianto Jones.
Instead, I fucked up.
You know what makes it worse? I nearly stopped him. I was so close. Had I arrived and noticed a few minutes earlier, I wouldn't have watched him scatter his brains across the floor of the hub.
Instead, I arrived back in the hub that night, fully expecting him to be doing some pointless task as usual ("Jack, cleaning the floor is not pointless, and I'd rather not live in my own filth thanks," was the last thing he said to me before taking my coffee mug from the stack of papers it was balanced upon).
I failed to notice him whilst on the invisible lift. And I failed to notice he wasn't in the hub.
Then I noted Tosh's workstation was on; the computer screens showing all the CCTV cameras on the plass, and atop the water tower was a familiar form, shuffling towards the edge.
Ianto.
My breath literally ceased as my throat clamped down in a strangled scream as he leapt. I let out another strangled noise; somewhere between "no" and "Ianto" as he sailed towards the ground in what seemed to be slow motion as I watched on in 360 degrees.
I've seen so many people die, and yet I haven't become desensitized to it. I'm still as affected every time.
I'll never rid myself of the image of the broken man with tears streaming down his youthful face, standing in his shirt sleeves atop the sculpture. I'll never be able to forget the way his body crumpled as he was wracked with tears, and the way he looked into that one camera and mouthed "I'm sorry" before he leapt. The way it seemed he was staring into my soul...
I'll never forget the moments after as everything in my life simultaneously sped up and slowed down.
The crash. The squawk. The unmistakable noise of bones breaking. The splash. A howl from somewhere; myself so transfixed by the horrors, I wasn't sure if it was from Ianto or my own mouth.
Me, already from my seat; shouting, screaming - I don't even remember them as words. Simply primal sounds of complete grief, which is probably all they were.
Not like this.
He wasn't supposed to go like that.
What a fool I'd been, taking the lift down. He'd planned to fall through to the hub. So no one else could find his body. He wanted it to be me. He wanted me to remember him.
There was no way I could forget such a brilliant man, regardless.
And yet, there he was, in the water at the base of the tower, just like before; with a peaceful gaze taking his features after so long of him looking troubled. And this time, I couldn't save him.
It tore me apart as I knelt beside the broken body, weeping. I gathered him into my arms and simply sat there in the freezing water, a harsh reminder of reality and thus, my own helplessness.
I wish I'd paid more attention.
I wasn't there for him when he needed me most and I hate myself for it, because now I need him more than ever. Our roles reversed.
His smile, his coffee, his reserved mannerisms... Everything. Just everything.
I'm not sure how long I'd been sitting with him in my arms when Gwen arrived. I think it was the next morning when she did, finding me still holding Ianto, still crying, unmoved from the night previous.
I heard her shout her greetings, announcing her entrance in the traditional manner, but shortly after that I heard her crumble when she found us. "Oh god no," was all she whispered before I heard the crash of her falling to the floor, wracked with tears.
My own tears had dried during the night, I simply had none left.
It's morbidly ironic that I was in a pool of water...
I've lost my anchor, my perfect Welshman, and now I just don't think I can face the world. It took a day of utter silence between myself and Gwen for me to move at all. Although finally I moved Ianto, carrying him to Owen's medical bay. But yet, it doesn't feel like he's gone.
Because he shouldn't be gone...
I shouldn't be sitting here writing this, I shouldn't be running the final logout scripts again. I shouldn't have to bury another person I love.
And it shouldn't be Ianto lying down there...
Somehow, I'm too scared to face him again. I tried, and before I could reach the autopsy bay, I simply slid to the floor, unable to move. Paralysed by my own grief.
Everything has simply taken on that greyscale appearance. Like I'm living my life through a camera lens.
But I'm not living it anymore.
This isn't living...
And I'll never get to say goodbye,
And I'll never know the reasons why,
My vision has come true,
And it's me without you...
Soooo. Another chapter closes.
What did you think? Please please let me know!
I live for comments :)
AUTHOR: naddypants
RATING: 15,
CHARACTERS: Jack/Ianto, Gwen
SUMMARY: This is Jack's Epilogue. Tissue warnings are a definite. Character death.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is Jack's first epilogue of three...they will be sad! :( Special thanks to my beta melthorne for inspiring me, helping me, and being there for me. You're fab!
DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fan fiction, I own nothing, no money is being made from this and no harm is intended. Fanfictions can be removed and/or deleted if needed. Torchwood belongs to the BBC and Russell T Davies. Thank you.
Part 1: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7328.html
Part 2: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7498.html
Part 3: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7819.html
Part 4: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8054.html
Part 5: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8327.html
Part 6: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8654.html
Part 7: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/8852.html
Part 8: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9027.html
Part 9: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9326.html
Part 10: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9675.html
Part 11: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/9815.html
Part 12: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10020.html
Part 13: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10342.html
Part 14 : http://naddypants.livejournal.com/10758.html#cutid1
Part 15: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/11178.html
Part 16: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/12841.html
I thought he was okay.
It's perceptive that verb; to think. I shouldn't think. I should have made sure - known.
I'm such an idiot.
Ianto Jones.
My Ianto Jones.
The man who should still be my Ianto Jones.
Instead, I fucked up.
You know what makes it worse? I nearly stopped him. I was so close. Had I arrived and noticed a few minutes earlier, I wouldn't have watched him scatter his brains across the floor of the hub.
Instead, I arrived back in the hub that night, fully expecting him to be doing some pointless task as usual ("Jack, cleaning the floor is not pointless, and I'd rather not live in my own filth thanks," was the last thing he said to me before taking my coffee mug from the stack of papers it was balanced upon).
I failed to notice him whilst on the invisible lift. And I failed to notice he wasn't in the hub.
Then I noted Tosh's workstation was on; the computer screens showing all the CCTV cameras on the plass, and atop the water tower was a familiar form, shuffling towards the edge.
Ianto.
My breath literally ceased as my throat clamped down in a strangled scream as he leapt. I let out another strangled noise; somewhere between "no" and "Ianto" as he sailed towards the ground in what seemed to be slow motion as I watched on in 360 degrees.
I've seen so many people die, and yet I haven't become desensitized to it. I'm still as affected every time.
I'll never rid myself of the image of the broken man with tears streaming down his youthful face, standing in his shirt sleeves atop the sculpture. I'll never be able to forget the way his body crumpled as he was wracked with tears, and the way he looked into that one camera and mouthed "I'm sorry" before he leapt. The way it seemed he was staring into my soul...
I'll never forget the moments after as everything in my life simultaneously sped up and slowed down.
The crash. The squawk. The unmistakable noise of bones breaking. The splash. A howl from somewhere; myself so transfixed by the horrors, I wasn't sure if it was from Ianto or my own mouth.
Me, already from my seat; shouting, screaming - I don't even remember them as words. Simply primal sounds of complete grief, which is probably all they were.
Not like this.
He wasn't supposed to go like that.
What a fool I'd been, taking the lift down. He'd planned to fall through to the hub. So no one else could find his body. He wanted it to be me. He wanted me to remember him.
There was no way I could forget such a brilliant man, regardless.
And yet, there he was, in the water at the base of the tower, just like before; with a peaceful gaze taking his features after so long of him looking troubled. And this time, I couldn't save him.
It tore me apart as I knelt beside the broken body, weeping. I gathered him into my arms and simply sat there in the freezing water, a harsh reminder of reality and thus, my own helplessness.
I wish I'd paid more attention.
I wasn't there for him when he needed me most and I hate myself for it, because now I need him more than ever. Our roles reversed.
His smile, his coffee, his reserved mannerisms... Everything. Just everything.
I'm not sure how long I'd been sitting with him in my arms when Gwen arrived. I think it was the next morning when she did, finding me still holding Ianto, still crying, unmoved from the night previous.
I heard her shout her greetings, announcing her entrance in the traditional manner, but shortly after that I heard her crumble when she found us. "Oh god no," was all she whispered before I heard the crash of her falling to the floor, wracked with tears.
My own tears had dried during the night, I simply had none left.
It's morbidly ironic that I was in a pool of water...
I've lost my anchor, my perfect Welshman, and now I just don't think I can face the world. It took a day of utter silence between myself and Gwen for me to move at all. Although finally I moved Ianto, carrying him to Owen's medical bay. But yet, it doesn't feel like he's gone.
Because he shouldn't be gone...
I shouldn't be sitting here writing this, I shouldn't be running the final logout scripts again. I shouldn't have to bury another person I love.
And it shouldn't be Ianto lying down there...
Somehow, I'm too scared to face him again. I tried, and before I could reach the autopsy bay, I simply slid to the floor, unable to move. Paralysed by my own grief.
Everything has simply taken on that greyscale appearance. Like I'm living my life through a camera lens.
But I'm not living it anymore.
This isn't living...
And I'll never get to say goodbye,
And I'll never know the reasons why,
My vision has come true,
And it's me without you...
Soooo. Another chapter closes.
What did you think? Please please let me know!
I live for comments :)