Please (4/?) [Series: No Regrets]
TITLE: Please
AUTHOR: naddypants
RATING: 15
CHARACTERS: Jack/Ianto, team.
SUMMARY: Does Jack find Ianto in time? (still 1st person, set post-Countrycide)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 1. My NaNo died. 2. I forgot the finale to Fading Yourself and 3. I decided to finally get this fic on the road. Inspired by the band Steer Clear, and I will be finishing Fading Yourself, when I remember what the hell is supposed to happen!
DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fan fiction, I own nothing, no money is being made from this and no harm is intended. Fanfictions can be removed and/or deleted if needed. Torchwood belongs to the BBC and Russell T Davies. Thank you.
Part 1: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7328.html
Part 2: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7498.html
Part 3: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7819.html
YAY for my beta melthorne . Bless her, I feel bad for having good spelling for once! And to just_being_me08 for all her lovely support, and coffee. :)
Everyone had thought I was fine. I’d convinced them so well. Bugger it, none of them even seemed to care in the bloody first place. Well, Tosh showed some compassion, tried to cheer me up as best she could, and I love her for it. As for Jack, he felt too betrayed to show anything towards me.
What does he know of betrayal?
I’ve tried my hardest not to think about her. But it’s pretty difficult since she has been my life for the past few years. More so after the conversion, when I strived so hard to find a way to get her back. Staying with her when I had the chance, trying to ease the pain she was experiencing…There’s just nothing no she’s gone.
Oh shit. I’m not dead. This isn’t what death is supposed to be like. A tall, handsome American man screaming at you? This is definitely not how I imagined it.
“IANTO!”
I dropped the knife, startled at the sudden and piercing intrusion, the sound of the metal meeting wood reverberating loudly through the otherwise silent flat.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I mumbled a response I can’t even remember myself it was that pitiful. Whatever it was it didn’t please Jack, so I kept my eyes carefully trained on the table, on the wall, anywhere that Jack wasn’t as he sent a vocal tirade my way.
“How could you even think of doing that…” He went on for quite a while, but I was so lost in my own self-loathing I failed to pick up almost all of what he was saying. I noticed finally he’d gone silent and chanced a glance in his direction. His greatcoat was off, and his expression was soft, not angry as I’d expected.
He smiled sadly and said finally. “I’m sorry Ianto”
And he meant it. I could tell. He’d finally seen that what he’d done had hurt me so deeply that he’d apologised.
“And I know that won’t bring her back-”
“Too right”
“I…”
“You broke my heart,” I said mechanically.
“I know…and I’m sorry. But it had to be done”
“Is this an administrative visit, or is there some other motive for you swinging by my place?” I muttered bitterly, removing my gaze from his too-perfect face.
He was utterly taken aback but still found his voice after a few moments. “The second I saw you with half your cutlery collection on the table and a butcher knife ready to make it‘s way through your chest, it stopped being an admin visit. I couldn’t let you go through with that”
Pathetic. “Oh so now I’m not just a-”
“You never were. I was gutted when I figured you did it just for your job. I thought it meant something”
There. He got me. Victory for Harkness. I whispered my response. There was no way I could lie about it. “It did”
“Talk to me Ianto, please. You need to get it all out”
The dam of grief seemed to explode within me and I ran at him, yelling at the top of my voice. I shouted, punched, scratched, kicked the living daylights out of him. I was hurting him, I knew that, but I just didn’t care so long as I was getting my frustration out. And he took it all, because he knew it was what I needed.
But then, once I‘d calmed, I opened up to the man I hated and loved with all my being because he was the only thing I had left to hold onto in this pathetic excuse for a world. I told him everything. How it felt not having Lisa anymore. My teenage years. How I’d really received those scars on my arms and legs.
I even showed him the letters Lisa wrote me in her impeccable script. They were so special to me, as she’d poured her heart and soul into them , and now they were no longer exclusive. When he handed them back they felt dirty, used.
I shared everything with the man who’d murdered the woman I loved. I hated him for it, but there was still a huge part of me that loved him. And the half that was hating him was steadily thawing as he nodded and seemed to understand what I’m going through. My problems felt halved as I shared them with him.
There’s something about him I can’t ignore. Everything is so conflicting. I hate him for killing Lisa, but at the same time he’s the only one who can make me feel human again.
But I can’t. For Lisa, if not for my own conscience.
Then, he did something strange. Took my hands and looked me straight in the eye. “I know I don’t show it, but I really do care about you. I need you. If anything I need you the most…just…promise me you won’t do anything like that again. Please?”
Bang. I thought my heart fell out through my arse in that moment. He’d asked me to promise him the one thing he knew I couldn’t. But that look in his eyes told me I could.
I’d lost my ability to speak, so I pulled my hands away and nodded weakly.
That was all he needed as he swooped out of the seat, taking his coat in one smooth motion and leaving without so much as a second glance.
If he’d just come in and stopped me, told me it was okay and left again, I probably would have picked the knife up and went through with it.
But Jack now knows he’s more than that to me, and there’s no going back…
So here I am, standing in your doorway,
Life’s too short to walk away,
I’m okay, sometimes,
Sometimes it just kills me inside,
I thought we were perfect,
But perfect just doesn’t exist…
Live for comments.
They're what keep me typing!
AUTHOR: naddypants
RATING: 15
CHARACTERS: Jack/Ianto, team.
SUMMARY: Does Jack find Ianto in time? (still 1st person, set post-Countrycide)
AUTHOR'S NOTES: 1. My NaNo died. 2. I forgot the finale to Fading Yourself and 3. I decided to finally get this fic on the road. Inspired by the band Steer Clear, and I will be finishing Fading Yourself, when I remember what the hell is supposed to happen!
DISCLAIMER: This is a piece of fan fiction, I own nothing, no money is being made from this and no harm is intended. Fanfictions can be removed and/or deleted if needed. Torchwood belongs to the BBC and Russell T Davies. Thank you.
Part 1: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7328.html
Part 2: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7498.html
Part 3: http://naddypants.livejournal.com/7819.html
YAY for my beta melthorne . Bless her, I feel bad for having good spelling for once! And to just_being_me08 for all her lovely support, and coffee. :)
Everyone had thought I was fine. I’d convinced them so well. Bugger it, none of them even seemed to care in the bloody first place. Well, Tosh showed some compassion, tried to cheer me up as best she could, and I love her for it. As for Jack, he felt too betrayed to show anything towards me.
What does he know of betrayal?
I’ve tried my hardest not to think about her. But it’s pretty difficult since she has been my life for the past few years. More so after the conversion, when I strived so hard to find a way to get her back. Staying with her when I had the chance, trying to ease the pain she was experiencing…There’s just nothing no she’s gone.
Oh shit. I’m not dead. This isn’t what death is supposed to be like. A tall, handsome American man screaming at you? This is definitely not how I imagined it.
“IANTO!”
I dropped the knife, startled at the sudden and piercing intrusion, the sound of the metal meeting wood reverberating loudly through the otherwise silent flat.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
I mumbled a response I can’t even remember myself it was that pitiful. Whatever it was it didn’t please Jack, so I kept my eyes carefully trained on the table, on the wall, anywhere that Jack wasn’t as he sent a vocal tirade my way.
“How could you even think of doing that…” He went on for quite a while, but I was so lost in my own self-loathing I failed to pick up almost all of what he was saying. I noticed finally he’d gone silent and chanced a glance in his direction. His greatcoat was off, and his expression was soft, not angry as I’d expected.
He smiled sadly and said finally. “I’m sorry Ianto”
And he meant it. I could tell. He’d finally seen that what he’d done had hurt me so deeply that he’d apologised.
“And I know that won’t bring her back-”
“Too right”
“I…”
“You broke my heart,” I said mechanically.
“I know…and I’m sorry. But it had to be done”
“Is this an administrative visit, or is there some other motive for you swinging by my place?” I muttered bitterly, removing my gaze from his too-perfect face.
He was utterly taken aback but still found his voice after a few moments. “The second I saw you with half your cutlery collection on the table and a butcher knife ready to make it‘s way through your chest, it stopped being an admin visit. I couldn’t let you go through with that”
Pathetic. “Oh so now I’m not just a-”
“You never were. I was gutted when I figured you did it just for your job. I thought it meant something”
There. He got me. Victory for Harkness. I whispered my response. There was no way I could lie about it. “It did”
“Talk to me Ianto, please. You need to get it all out”
The dam of grief seemed to explode within me and I ran at him, yelling at the top of my voice. I shouted, punched, scratched, kicked the living daylights out of him. I was hurting him, I knew that, but I just didn’t care so long as I was getting my frustration out. And he took it all, because he knew it was what I needed.
But then, once I‘d calmed, I opened up to the man I hated and loved with all my being because he was the only thing I had left to hold onto in this pathetic excuse for a world. I told him everything. How it felt not having Lisa anymore. My teenage years. How I’d really received those scars on my arms and legs.
I even showed him the letters Lisa wrote me in her impeccable script. They were so special to me, as she’d poured her heart and soul into them , and now they were no longer exclusive. When he handed them back they felt dirty, used.
I shared everything with the man who’d murdered the woman I loved. I hated him for it, but there was still a huge part of me that loved him. And the half that was hating him was steadily thawing as he nodded and seemed to understand what I’m going through. My problems felt halved as I shared them with him.
There’s something about him I can’t ignore. Everything is so conflicting. I hate him for killing Lisa, but at the same time he’s the only one who can make me feel human again.
But I can’t. For Lisa, if not for my own conscience.
Then, he did something strange. Took my hands and looked me straight in the eye. “I know I don’t show it, but I really do care about you. I need you. If anything I need you the most…just…promise me you won’t do anything like that again. Please?”
Bang. I thought my heart fell out through my arse in that moment. He’d asked me to promise him the one thing he knew I couldn’t. But that look in his eyes told me I could.
I’d lost my ability to speak, so I pulled my hands away and nodded weakly.
That was all he needed as he swooped out of the seat, taking his coat in one smooth motion and leaving without so much as a second glance.
If he’d just come in and stopped me, told me it was okay and left again, I probably would have picked the knife up and went through with it.
But Jack now knows he’s more than that to me, and there’s no going back…
So here I am, standing in your doorway,
Life’s too short to walk away,
I’m okay, sometimes,
Sometimes it just kills me inside,
I thought we were perfect,
But perfect just doesn’t exist…
Live for comments.
They're what keep me typing!