Things I don't grok (on cross-gender friendships)

[moominmuppet]

Girl Talk: Should I Be Jealous Of His Female Friends? -- it was the comments I found especially noteworthy, really. Although plenty of commenters express that they're ok with their partners having friends of a different gender, a large number seem to consider it so normal not to accept this that it's almost taken-for-granted (especially the

Comments

[redbird]

None of that really makes sense to me, but there are pieces of it I can come closer to than others. The rule against friendship with ex-lovers is comprehensible within a particular serial framework in which it's considered normal, if not always praiseworthy, to break up an existing comfortable relationship to pursue new love/attraction. I'm guessing that in that framework, there's an expectation that the attraction to the ex is still there, and maybe also that the now-existing relationship has gotten old and settled enough to no longer be the new and shiny. [This is only a guess; I'd be interested to see an explanation of why it makes sense from someone who uses that ruleset.]

Nor do I understand being partnered with someone you would expect to lie to you, cheat on you, etc. (though I note that people will sometimes lie because they don't want to admit to things that have nothing to do with cheating, ranging from gambling to perceived cowardice, and I'm not sure anyone is immune from that). But I think partnered is a key word/concept there: a lot of models of marriage (and other het relationships) aren't about partnership as you and I understand the term. Maybe an economic and/or child-raising partnership, but not an agreement of equals.

[moominmuppet]

[This is only a guess; I'd be interested to see an explanation of why it makes sense from someone who uses that ruleset.]

*nod* I suspect you're right, but I'd love to hear that actual perspective too.

Nor do I understand being partnered with someone you would expect to lie to you, cheat on you, etc. (though I note that people will sometimes lie because they don't want to admit to things that have nothing to do with cheating, ranging from gambling to perceived cowardice, and I'm not sure anyone is immune from that)

*nod* Certainly every relationship has issues that come up. My brain just isn't wired to hear "dishonest about sex" as categorically different than any other kind of dishonesty. Rebuilding trust is rebuilding trust. And, actually, that's one of the cases where I can understand some of these limits -- if a partner has cheated, and come clean, and the couple is working to rebuild trust, I can understand placing boundaries around behavior that's led to problems in the past.

Also, I'm sure it factors into things that my parents have been monogamously married for coming up on 40 years, and mixed-gender friendships are completely normal to them, as is pointing out pretty people for each other on the beach. So what I saw modeled in my family life was pretty close to how I think and experience now.

But I think partnered is a key word/concept there: a lot of models of marriage (and other het relationships) aren't about partnership as you and I understand the term. Maybe an economic and/or child-raising partnership, but not an agreement of equals.

*nod* And it doesn't feel like every single couple with some of these boundaries is all insecure and jealous (although sometimes that certainly seems to be the case). Given some of the historical factors in marriage that aren't so partnership-based, some of this may have made more sense at a previous point in history. Sometimes it feels like a combination of gender essentialism and traditionalism; "it's just not appropriate", combined with honest confusion about why men and women would be friends if they don't want to sleep together.