(no subject)
I know I've got way too fucking much on my mind when self-imposed sleep deprivation doesn't work for me. I'm so tired I'm stumbling around and can't hold a chosen thought for more than a few seconds, but the tidal wave of thoughts just keeps coming.
Sleep dep usually helps with that. I stay awake until I can't really think and achieve a state of semi numbness that only comes with exhaustion. It may not sound like the best choice of actions, but its kept me from cutting many, many times. I suppose it could be a sort of substitute for the self injury...I dunno. Right now, the only thing that seems to turn the volume down on them is being super busy at work...just a few more days until Halloween, so you can just imagine how insanely busy the store has been lately.
I'm still so stressed and worried about everything. I thought perhaps listing the things I'm worried about could possibly help--giving my thoughts a form that I can analyze better. That was a massive failure. I ended up dangerously close to a breakdown and/or cutting. Not wanting to aggravate a healing rib injury, I didn't let the breakdown happen. I even thought about calling people, but it was late. I didn't want to wake anyone/keep them from bed, and I just didn't know what to say.
I'm so tired of keeping all this to myself, but it seems that I don't have much choice in the matter. If I talk to Jason about all this, I make him feel bad, if I talk to my friends, I feel bad for adding to their list of worries. The extra pain in the ass is even talking to my therapist makes me a bit crazier. I start talking about everything I my stress level spikes all over again. I'm in a constant state of venting over stressed, but, somehow, talking about it makes me feel it more intensely, or it just adds to it. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I know it isn't good for me to keep it all to myself. I've seen what keeping this stuff hidden away does to me, I get reminded of it on a daily basis.......damn my body for carrying its stress in my back.
I'd wish for things to be better, or for things to be more simple, but the last time I wished for simplicity, I got kicked out of school, which only added to the stress. Things will be getting more simple soon enough, with the closing of the store, but that isn't a good kind of simple.
I want to be able to have a breakdown, or at least a good cry. I want to be with Jason or my friends and not be distracted by all of the stress, worries, and fears. I want to be able to enjoy time by myself without having to desperately look for mindless distractions to try to drown out all of the thoughts.
I'm so glad I don't have to work today...I just don't think I could deal with anything if I did.
Sleep dep usually helps with that. I stay awake until I can't really think and achieve a state of semi numbness that only comes with exhaustion. It may not sound like the best choice of actions, but its kept me from cutting many, many times. I suppose it could be a sort of substitute for the self injury...I dunno. Right now, the only thing that seems to turn the volume down on them is being super busy at work...just a few more days until Halloween, so you can just imagine how insanely busy the store has been lately.
I'm still so stressed and worried about everything. I thought perhaps listing the things I'm worried about could possibly help--giving my thoughts a form that I can analyze better. That was a massive failure. I ended up dangerously close to a breakdown and/or cutting. Not wanting to aggravate a healing rib injury, I didn't let the breakdown happen. I even thought about calling people, but it was late. I didn't want to wake anyone/keep them from bed, and I just didn't know what to say.
I'm so tired of keeping all this to myself, but it seems that I don't have much choice in the matter. If I talk to Jason about all this, I make him feel bad, if I talk to my friends, I feel bad for adding to their list of worries. The extra pain in the ass is even talking to my therapist makes me a bit crazier. I start talking about everything I my stress level spikes all over again. I'm in a constant state of venting over stressed, but, somehow, talking about it makes me feel it more intensely, or it just adds to it. I'm at a loss. I don't know what to do. I know it isn't good for me to keep it all to myself. I've seen what keeping this stuff hidden away does to me, I get reminded of it on a daily basis.......damn my body for carrying its stress in my back.
I'd wish for things to be better, or for things to be more simple, but the last time I wished for simplicity, I got kicked out of school, which only added to the stress. Things will be getting more simple soon enough, with the closing of the store, but that isn't a good kind of simple.
I want to be able to have a breakdown, or at least a good cry. I want to be with Jason or my friends and not be distracted by all of the stress, worries, and fears. I want to be able to enjoy time by myself without having to desperately look for mindless distractions to try to drown out all of the thoughts.
I'm so glad I don't have to work today...I just don't think I could deal with anything if I did.