(no subject)
oh dear. things are pretty terrible inside of my head right now. it is likely that few people will read this.
i have one big question:
what is so wrong with my personality that i am entirely unpleasant to be with or even to know?
in all honesty, that is all i can derive from the current state of things. no friends. no family. it's pretty difficult to pretend that i am doing well. i realize that my identity should be in Christ and him alone, but that same God also created people for social interaction and love. i am trying to be compassionate and caring. but i feel walked on. i feel horrible. i have hurt so many people though. i am hate and fear.
i am lust. if only i could get drunk and post a post that people would enjoy reading. it seems like everyone is happy when they drink. nothing bad happens. no one drives. you just meet up with some friends, drink all you want, possibly throw up, then do it in a few days (at most). what a life that would be. unfortunately i have serious convictions about alcohol. i hold to those foolish and naïve convictions that i held when i was younger.
but many of my peers have moved on to bigger and better things. they know that mature Christians can curse all they want, smoke and drink all they want. they are exercising their God-given freedom. no need to pay attention to legal drinking age or any Scripture that might say drunkenness is a sin. such things are for legalists.
but i am under a certain conviction that life is too short and too valuable to live that way. "we are in our early twenties! we must life it up while we can!"
i do not intend to be a forty-year-old afraid of middle-aged life and discontent with what i have. i do not intend to look back at my college years wishing i could life them forever. i intend to look forward to loving my Savior more the next day. i look forward to learning to be a better servant the next day. i look forward to learning to love my wife (if i have one) more the next day. i look forward to the movement of the kingdom of God and his grace, love, mercy, and justice to all peoples of the world. i pray that my life becomes more fulfilling as i grow old.
i am not concerned with what i can do and still be considered "right" or a "Christian." i am concerned with being wise and living life wisely. i figure that service to God and him alone is my best bet. i could not think of anything more deserving of my life or energy. in all we do, let's do it for that cause. for the cause of God and for the cause of love for others. no more nobly can a life be lived.
we all make mistakes. i am the chief of such people. yet i realize this truth. i realize that my fragile and miniscule life ought to be used to learn from to minister love and service.
it is so hard to be so alone. friends, i plead and beg, please help me. please help me to know why you never call me back. help me to know why you are so unhappy when you are around me. help me to know how i can improve. please give me the wisdom that you have and the perspective you have.
i do not really know what else to write at this point.
i have one big question:
what is so wrong with my personality that i am entirely unpleasant to be with or even to know?
in all honesty, that is all i can derive from the current state of things. no friends. no family. it's pretty difficult to pretend that i am doing well. i realize that my identity should be in Christ and him alone, but that same God also created people for social interaction and love. i am trying to be compassionate and caring. but i feel walked on. i feel horrible. i have hurt so many people though. i am hate and fear.
i am lust. if only i could get drunk and post a post that people would enjoy reading. it seems like everyone is happy when they drink. nothing bad happens. no one drives. you just meet up with some friends, drink all you want, possibly throw up, then do it in a few days (at most). what a life that would be. unfortunately i have serious convictions about alcohol. i hold to those foolish and naïve convictions that i held when i was younger.
but many of my peers have moved on to bigger and better things. they know that mature Christians can curse all they want, smoke and drink all they want. they are exercising their God-given freedom. no need to pay attention to legal drinking age or any Scripture that might say drunkenness is a sin. such things are for legalists.
but i am under a certain conviction that life is too short and too valuable to live that way. "we are in our early twenties! we must life it up while we can!"
i do not intend to be a forty-year-old afraid of middle-aged life and discontent with what i have. i do not intend to look back at my college years wishing i could life them forever. i intend to look forward to loving my Savior more the next day. i look forward to learning to be a better servant the next day. i look forward to learning to love my wife (if i have one) more the next day. i look forward to the movement of the kingdom of God and his grace, love, mercy, and justice to all peoples of the world. i pray that my life becomes more fulfilling as i grow old.
i am not concerned with what i can do and still be considered "right" or a "Christian." i am concerned with being wise and living life wisely. i figure that service to God and him alone is my best bet. i could not think of anything more deserving of my life or energy. in all we do, let's do it for that cause. for the cause of God and for the cause of love for others. no more nobly can a life be lived.
we all make mistakes. i am the chief of such people. yet i realize this truth. i realize that my fragile and miniscule life ought to be used to learn from to minister love and service.
it is so hard to be so alone. friends, i plead and beg, please help me. please help me to know why you never call me back. help me to know why you are so unhappy when you are around me. help me to know how i can improve. please give me the wisdom that you have and the perspective you have.
i do not really know what else to write at this point.