Sage Advice From Yahoo! Of All Places!
So I just happened to want to read the news titles on my.yahoo.com (which has really gone downhill) and my horoscope was at the bottom. Now normally, I don't give those types of things a second thought (or first for that matter) but this time it had a good point. I sit confused about things until I spill everything and think through it with someone. Ya'll are that someone.
We'll start with depression because it bleeds into every other aspect of my life. Now this year's depression, so far, hasn't been as bad as any time in recorded adult life for me. So far it's been only thorny, not barbed razor wire ripping at exposed raw flesh. It took longer to set in than any other adult year of my life. So, something to be grateful for.
In my depression I have defriended someone on LJ and on Facebook. I've been his emotional rock for almost 4-5 years now. I've been there for every major and most minor issues in his life. I have sent him about $1700 to allow him to pay his bills. None of which I expect to never see again, but I never expect to see any money I give to other back. It just puts a wedge between me and the other person if I think they owe me money. I bought him a $750 laptop on top of all that because his computer was dying and he couldn't play the newest games. He now has a better graphics card than I do, though my processor kicks the shit out of his. He is someone I fell in love with and he knew it. He knew that I wanted him more than Dmitri (sorry to say that Dmitri but it was true). He gets into relationships and he falls hard for these guys that are all wrong for him. There's a flurry of 'Oh, he's so wonderful' and 'I never thought I could love someone so much,' but in the end the person cheats on him or he cheats on the person or the person isn't who they made themselves out to be or the spark just sizzles and pops out of existence. All the while I'm here as someone he shares his feelings with about these other guys and I'm the shoulder he cries on when it ends poorly. All the while he knows that it kills me that he doesn't love me back. Well, no more of that. I have washed my hands of him. No more will I carry a torch for him. No more will I be there when his relationships fail or when he needs money. He did nothing but use me this whole time, and I let him. You may now remove the word "doormat" from my forehead. And in a blaze of very un-Buddhist like thought, I hope that he crashes and burns. All I ever wanted from him was for him to love me above all others. And he never did. So fuck him. I'm done wishing and wanting and waiting. He isn't worth the energy to hate. I still hope he crashes and burns but I don't hate him. That means that I would care what happened to him and as of a few weeks ago, that ceased. I can hope he crashes and burns but I'm not going to stay around and keep tabs on him. He's on his own. And he will crash and burn. Past event dictate that. Not that I will know about his fall. I'll be blissfully ignorant. So fuck him. In my last SMS to him about a week ago I told him that I wouldn't carry a torch for him anymore and I sent him this to watch, with a final line of "Good Luck."
Still not sure what to do on the Dmitri front. It's obvious that he loves me. That's not in question. The question is, "Do I love him?" Because I refuse to lead on someone who's in love with me, giving the faint hope that one day I might love them like they love me. I know how that feels. Now, as stated in earlier posts I am kinda using Dmitri to get through the Holiday season and Seasonal Affect. So, I do recognize that I am doing that. But that's not new news to Dmitri. I told him that when I first started hanging around with him again. He's been super great and supportive and loving and generous and caring. I honestly couldn't ask for someone better... except for the Big Known Secret. We all acknowledge the big elephant in the room. No lying to ourselves about that. I do care about him. Deeply. Love? I think it's too soon after dropping the torch for one person to pick up a new one for someone else. Ghosts and phantoms still haunt me. My heart is hardened to the idea of love. It needs time to soften again before I can let someone else in. And I'm still not saying that I can handle the Big Known Secret. So that may still keep us apart when it comes down to it. Now, there's a part of me that wishes I loved him like he loved me. I think that would be an awesome feeling. It's just all too soon.
We've already gone over the whole visitation to Second John's grave. So there's nothing really new to add to that. His mom and I don't e-mail like we used to. I think that we're both moving on in some way and the reminder would be counterproductive. I didn't even get a Merry Christmas e-mail from her this year.
I really do enjoy Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO but I usually end up playing in the morning before my soul becomes heavy. The longer the day goes, the harder it is to do anything. Anything at all. Except when I'm with Dmitri. So that probably says something right there, huh? The problem is that everyone else plays in the evening. And I go to bed early. I don't stay up until 2200-2300 hours playing. I'm usually getting ready for bed at 2000 hours. So by the time they're coming on to play, I'm going to bed. The only times I stay up that late are with Dmitri. And usually Dmitri sends us to bed when he notices that I'm being more cranky than usual or if I fall asleep on the couch or if my eyelids start getting heavy when we're out. Then he gets us to bed. Sometimes sex, sometimes not. It's not the center of our relationship. Which makes me happy. Makes me feel like there's something enduring in the relationship. Something for future musing, I suppose.
So I think I've touched on everything I wanted to touch on. New things for you to know about and things for me to contemplate. Now, all I have to do is make it until Spring. A daunting task to be sure. Fraught with peril and danger. Mind the land mines! They're still active!
We'll start with depression because it bleeds into every other aspect of my life. Now this year's depression, so far, hasn't been as bad as any time in recorded adult life for me. So far it's been only thorny, not barbed razor wire ripping at exposed raw flesh. It took longer to set in than any other adult year of my life. So, something to be grateful for.
In my depression I have defriended someone on LJ and on Facebook. I've been his emotional rock for almost 4-5 years now. I've been there for every major and most minor issues in his life. I have sent him about $1700 to allow him to pay his bills. None of which I expect to never see again, but I never expect to see any money I give to other back. It just puts a wedge between me and the other person if I think they owe me money. I bought him a $750 laptop on top of all that because his computer was dying and he couldn't play the newest games. He now has a better graphics card than I do, though my processor kicks the shit out of his. He is someone I fell in love with and he knew it. He knew that I wanted him more than Dmitri (sorry to say that Dmitri but it was true). He gets into relationships and he falls hard for these guys that are all wrong for him. There's a flurry of 'Oh, he's so wonderful' and 'I never thought I could love someone so much,' but in the end the person cheats on him or he cheats on the person or the person isn't who they made themselves out to be or the spark just sizzles and pops out of existence. All the while I'm here as someone he shares his feelings with about these other guys and I'm the shoulder he cries on when it ends poorly. All the while he knows that it kills me that he doesn't love me back. Well, no more of that. I have washed my hands of him. No more will I carry a torch for him. No more will I be there when his relationships fail or when he needs money. He did nothing but use me this whole time, and I let him. You may now remove the word "doormat" from my forehead. And in a blaze of very un-Buddhist like thought, I hope that he crashes and burns. All I ever wanted from him was for him to love me above all others. And he never did. So fuck him. I'm done wishing and wanting and waiting. He isn't worth the energy to hate. I still hope he crashes and burns but I don't hate him. That means that I would care what happened to him and as of a few weeks ago, that ceased. I can hope he crashes and burns but I'm not going to stay around and keep tabs on him. He's on his own. And he will crash and burn. Past event dictate that. Not that I will know about his fall. I'll be blissfully ignorant. So fuck him. In my last SMS to him about a week ago I told him that I wouldn't carry a torch for him anymore and I sent him this to watch, with a final line of "Good Luck."
Still not sure what to do on the Dmitri front. It's obvious that he loves me. That's not in question. The question is, "Do I love him?" Because I refuse to lead on someone who's in love with me, giving the faint hope that one day I might love them like they love me. I know how that feels. Now, as stated in earlier posts I am kinda using Dmitri to get through the Holiday season and Seasonal Affect. So, I do recognize that I am doing that. But that's not new news to Dmitri. I told him that when I first started hanging around with him again. He's been super great and supportive and loving and generous and caring. I honestly couldn't ask for someone better... except for the Big Known Secret. We all acknowledge the big elephant in the room. No lying to ourselves about that. I do care about him. Deeply. Love? I think it's too soon after dropping the torch for one person to pick up a new one for someone else. Ghosts and phantoms still haunt me. My heart is hardened to the idea of love. It needs time to soften again before I can let someone else in. And I'm still not saying that I can handle the Big Known Secret. So that may still keep us apart when it comes down to it. Now, there's a part of me that wishes I loved him like he loved me. I think that would be an awesome feeling. It's just all too soon.
We've already gone over the whole visitation to Second John's grave. So there's nothing really new to add to that. His mom and I don't e-mail like we used to. I think that we're both moving on in some way and the reminder would be counterproductive. I didn't even get a Merry Christmas e-mail from her this year.
I really do enjoy Star Wars: The Old Republic MMO but I usually end up playing in the morning before my soul becomes heavy. The longer the day goes, the harder it is to do anything. Anything at all. Except when I'm with Dmitri. So that probably says something right there, huh? The problem is that everyone else plays in the evening. And I go to bed early. I don't stay up until 2200-2300 hours playing. I'm usually getting ready for bed at 2000 hours. So by the time they're coming on to play, I'm going to bed. The only times I stay up that late are with Dmitri. And usually Dmitri sends us to bed when he notices that I'm being more cranky than usual or if I fall asleep on the couch or if my eyelids start getting heavy when we're out. Then he gets us to bed. Sometimes sex, sometimes not. It's not the center of our relationship. Which makes me happy. Makes me feel like there's something enduring in the relationship. Something for future musing, I suppose.
So I think I've touched on everything I wanted to touch on. New things for you to know about and things for me to contemplate. Now, all I have to do is make it until Spring. A daunting task to be sure. Fraught with peril and danger. Mind the land mines! They're still active!