Life collapsing into itself
So after my sister for killed I went into a protective mode where I didn't work or do anything. In some ways it was a good time in my life. My one friend said I was a "time traveler" looking back because of the things I did around that time. I won't go I to details but I'd have to say watching LA Kings games intently in the late 90's is a trailblazing anomaly, this given that they just won the last 2/3 Stanley Cups.
I was almost a shut in because:
"the world is a bad place"
"bad things happen when you leave the house"
"You want to make it through the day without losing more than what you started with"
These were the fundamental thoughts that went through my mind. The sad part if that all of the above are dear to me still in some way. The thing is that I can't stop things decaying & life takin a piece of me. I've accepted this fact but it still is the focal point & basis of every decision I make.
My family received the news that my Uncle is getting sued for divorce from my aunt he married. Basically he's going to get F'd over after 27 years of marriage. Unfortunately even though I love him dearly he's the beta bitch in the relationship. I guess being an engineer he was satisfied with a sassy faux intellectual type. Whatever when my grandparents were Alive they didn't like her & they were right. The sad part all three of my cousins are being used by her & went against him. My oldest cousin would throw stuff at him. I guess the final straw was when she smashed a pic of my grandparents.
They're assholes & we are making arraignments of locking them out of any inheritance from us as they sadly are the only closest living relatives.
I have sadness for the fact that my life is nothing but me losing a little more each day until everything just is sucked into a black hole of nothingness. I'm going to miss having a happy base of operations out of Oakville. I've lost 4 people in one weekend. This is the story of my life. The good get get fucked & everything dies.
Everything I reach for to hold on for support & a foundation disappears. I almost have no one. I don't know what to do as people cannot be trusted because at the core they're evil & stupid. It's a struggle to try to get enough distance from society just to have a safety DMZ. I work seasonally just to have less time off the roads & to avoid people in general.
So yeah I just want to wrap myself in a Cocoon of blankets & sleep. At times I have peace thinking that one day all of this pain & suffering from life & the world will be over.
It's sad because deep down I do have a cheerful kind hearted soul. It's that the world likes to come after me any chance it gets & crush it. I'm too much of a beta bitch boy & so is my uncle. If Only I was more Alpha, conquering other people & life I would have been something. Instead I just play defense with what I have & play not to lose. Yes being safe is not the best strategy but I've pushed risk out there too many times & have gotten severely burned where it has taken all my energy to attempt to recover.
So what's the point of this? My gut instincts were right after my sister got killed. Just isolate yourself from outside variables & protect what little you have. The "putting yourself out there" is only for warrior types of people for which you are not cut from the se cloth.
My June 1998 self welcomes me back & says "Go Kings!